That's Some Mean Cuisine by ZMannZilla 8-06-10

Upon the meal's presentation, the warm, heady aroma gives bold promises of peanuts and aged gouda - promises that this bland, autumn entree cannot keep. Every bite, from start to finish, was laboriously tolerable at best. The soft texture and amateur flavor, with its sharp obnoxious notes of parmesian and corn, coated my palette most uncomfortably. It took all the healing powers of a brisk, fruity '96 merlot to rescue my horrified taste buds from the choking, gritty aftertaste. I completed this meal solely as a charity to the chef. And now, thanks in part to the delicious and welcoming gallon of gasoline I just drank, I bid thee adieu.   THE MORAL:   Never tell a food reviewer to "eat shit and die".

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

RCL no. 2315 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 8-11-10

Special delivery for Benjamin Button. Right here, dude. Seriously... I'm Benjamin Button. It's a long story...

RCL no. 2231 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 8-23-10

I'm a defendant in a four-way lawsuit? What the FUCK?? Please, don't "kill the messenger". Why would I do that? Because, the other three people I served tried to!

Groovy! - "My, what big eyes you have..." by edoggydog 9-07-10

It appears you have a mild form of conjunctivitis, better known as "pink eye". Put these drops in your eyes four times a day until they clear up. What's in the drops? TOBRAMYCIN DEXAMETHASONE... It's an eye steroid. Okay. ...and that's why now it always look like I'm holding in a MAJOR fart. Groovy!

RCL no. 2373 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 10-21-10

Well..? Well [*hic*] what? Where are the we? I [*hic*] have [*hic*] no [*hic*] idea. *BUUUUUUURRRRRP* In retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to change my navigator's water into wine...

RCL no. 2376 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 10-23-10

Can you believe the heat out here? It must be 120 degrees! And, it certainly doesn't help that I'm covered with feathers... *sigh* Somebody better turn on the A/C up in this bitch or I'm going to literally sweat my balls off! I should have been a little more specific with that genie when I wished for a "big, hot cock"!

RCL no. 2378 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 10-24-10

...and today I took a juice box away from my neighbor's three year-old kid and drank it in front of him as he cried like a little pussy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA By the way... That $1000 you lent me, which I swore up-and-down I would pay you back? Well, I'm not going to pay you! What do you think that?   !   HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA... I guess I should have been a little more specific with that genie when I wished to be screwed by a big dick...

Chris Nolan's "Cowboy Physics Begins" by ZMannZilla 11-07-10

Earlier that day at the ranch... So a lady walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives her a stiff one! Ha, ha! OK, here's another one- wait, would you get offended if I told a black joke? Yes, actually. In fact, I only like jokes about advanced quantum mechanics and jokes with puns in the punchline. Oh, well you're in luck! It seems there were these two Polacks that were building a graviton generator... I think I already heard this one, but tell it anyways, your version might be different.

Heath Ledger's Joker Vs. Michael Keaton's Batman by ZMannZilla 11-06-10

Ah good Batman, you have arrived. As you can see out the window, I have devised a complex and diabolical trap with deep psychological implications, and you only have one minute to You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight... prey? Wha... hey hey hey, now, everyone knows that despite your extensive ninja training, you never kill your opponents. What do you think all those rockets and machine guns in my Bat-Vehicles are for? I killed like six of your dudes while ringing the doorbell! I'm boned. Hell, did you see the way I stuck a ticking bomb to that strong man's junk in Batman Returns? Bitch, i'll fuck your ass up!

I swear You Haven't Read This Comic Before by ZMannZilla 10-14-10

And now, my prisoner, the dark jackalope goddess must feed on your brains. Please, sir, I beg you to spare my life! Whoa. What? When you said that thing about your life, I totally got deja vu. Dude, weird!

This Is Tech Support by ZMannZilla 10-15-10

Dag, yo! Why's your online store askin' me for a credit card?! Well, my first guess would be because you're trying to access content that isn't free. Why? Well, that's bullshit! You guys advertised a free trial for Stinkrat's Teryaki Challenge, so I should get it for free! Well, according to your IP address log, you've done the free trial nine times. You should know by now if you want to buy it. Why the hell would I pay money for Stinkrat's Teryaki Challenge? That game sucks! ...and yet, you're trying to play it a TENTH time?

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

RCL no. 2415 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 11-25-10

What are you doing? Today is my first day on the job... So? So, I'm checking the employee manual for the proper procedure. I just asked for a medium coffee, dipshit! I know, I know... Now, is medium a "tall" or a "venti"?

Groovy! - More Political Correctness Gone Awry by edoggydog 11-29-10

At the airport, the TSA is so politically correct, they never screen or pat down Muslims like me... I can literally get away with murder! Groovy! Next day at the airport.... My name is Mohhamed Osama bin Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Hussein. Check... Hurry up, pal. Your plane is boarding... Later, that flight... ALLAH AKBAR!!!!

Ask A Cherokee Medicine Woman About Mistletoe by ZMannZilla 1-03-11

O Great Cherokee Medicine Woman, there's nobody else I can turn to. In your professional opinion, does mistletoe also cure soul cancer, or is it only just regular cancer? I ask you, Wise One, because you Cherokee medicine folk are in touch with life itself, and I'll be damned if those money-grubbing hospitals get a hold of my baby girl. Ah, yes, Silva... it's nice hearing from you after all these years... and while I weep for the tragedy of your offspring's cancer, I must first warn you... ...I've changed a bit since college.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

Groovy! - Are palm trees capable of being turned on? by edoggydog 1-06-11

...and then I took some vanilla-flavored massage oil and poured it all over her twin double-D's. Then, I started sucking on her tits like they had the antidote! Groovy! She lives right over there. She said I could drop by anytime I want, and if I bring a friend, she'll call her sorority sisters to come over for a gang bang! Let's do this!! ========== *SPROING* ==========

A Shocking Comic Trafficking In Sarah Palin: Blood Libel by boloboffin 1-12-11

And now some discarded lines from Sarah Palin's self-martyrdom speech from earlier today: Whoa, whoa, lieberals! Why the long knives? Hello, my Jewish friends! Say, if you're not going to use that oven, do you mind if I do? OK, after that last one, even I have to take a shower.... ah, fuck.

Hell, I tell you, it's hell I'm heading for.

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You can take the heart out of the hooker but you can't take the hooker out of the heart. -- Frankenhooker

Groovy! - Too soon? by edoggydog 3-14-11

This is the international operator... Your phone call to Japan has gone through. Groovy! Moshi-moshi... Hey, Yoko-san... What's SHAKING? *CLICK* Hello?

Fluffy of the Shrimps by biped 3-28-11

Look! It's a baby land dweller! He must have fallen overboard. We've always wanted a child. We will raise him as our own. You mean I'm not like the other shrimps, Mommy? No, Fluffy. You are really a land dweller. Me Fluffy--you Debbie. Come live with me in my undersea world of shrimps.

Cry For Clappy by biped 3-28-11

Hi! I'm "Clappy"! Please use me in your comics! NO! NO! I told you a HUNDRED TIMES there's nothing I can do with a DUMBASS GIANT PAPER CLIP! Little kids cost extra, you know. I don't care. I want the little bastard whacked. Soliciting an undercover cop for a juvey hit. Not too smart, "Clappy." Oh, boo-hoo! Nobody will EVER use me in their comics now!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

RCL no. 2502 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 3-30-11

...and your new office is through this door, Jesus. That is NOT my new office. My new office is Ted's corner office over-looking the sorority house across the street. The IT guy will come buy later and set up your com-puter and phone system for you. That is NOT my new office. My new office is Ted's corner office over-looking the sorority house across the street. Your Christian mind tricks won't work on me, Jesus. FATHERDAMMIT!!

When Abortions Attack by biped 4-02-11

I can't wait to have my first ninth-month abortion. I can't wait to strangle my first viable fetus with its own umbilical cord! "HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha" Why, this is awful! I can't believe the programs they're making for children these days! Ma'am, today's sophisticated kids think abortions are both funny AND educational. You just need to "get with it." Guards, take her away.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Black Sow by biped 4-22-11

I know I can be the Black Swan as well as I can be the White Swan. I'll practice, and practice, and totally lose my mind, and... We are not doing "Swan Lake" anymore. We are doing "Animal Farm." You must now get in touch with your inner pig. OINK!!! OINK!!! BRAVO!!! BRAVO!!! NI-NA!!! NI-NA!!! Poor Nina. She would have wanted us to eat her. I've never tasted such a succulent pork butt!

The King's Screech by biped 4-22-11

Now that I am k-k-k-king...I must m-m-make a b-b-big speech...but I st-st-st-st-st-st... Stink? No! I st-st-st-stammer! And you must h-h-help me learn how to sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-sp... Spackle? Spin-kick? Spear fish? Speed read? Spay or neuter a cat? Your husband must be a wonderful speech teacher. I've never heard Bertie scream and curse so fluently. Speech teacher? He's here to fix the toilet, fuckhead!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Quaint That a Shame by biped 5-04-11

We're looking for a cottage that's...you know...quaint. Charmingly quaint. Lady, the place I've got in mind for you is so fucking quaint, you'll SHIT! Later... The travel agent lied, Ed! This cottage isn't quaint at all! Our dream vacation is RUINED! I'll give him a call. Maybe he can send someone out to slap some quaint on it or something. Mr. Bryce sent me in response to your call. So, you want me to do exactly what now? I don't know. Just whatever the hell it is you Vermont fuckers do to quaint shit up.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

B.O.A.T.S. - She Thought It Worked Like A Sewing Machine by ZMannZilla 5-27-11

Welcome to Best Buy Geek Squad. I'm Zack and I'll be your geek. How can I geek you? I need a replacement foot pedal for my Apple IIe home computer. Eh?! Oh wait... you think the mouse is a foot pedal? Wow, I thought I'd seen some stupid old people before, but you take the- By learning to operate the mouse with my foot, I am free to keep both hands on the keyboard at all times. ...actually, that's kind of brilliant, ma'am. I humbly apologize. Pwn3d.

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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."

Jimmy the Inappropriate Sportscaster: IKE WATCH by RedfeatheR 9-15-08

More on Hurricane Ike's wake... Jimmy? Well Gabrielle, I've been shoved inside a robot BY the robot that I'm now inside OF. Gabrielleissick todaytellme what kind of hope these poor souls have towards the futureANYfuture that's more than just tears of saddness brought on by the PROSPECT... of no future at all well... For one, a future... outside of a robot. With dreams like these, they'll be back on their fetus soon as possible

RCL no. 2567 by RandomComicLayoutGuy 6-25-11

What the..? Some asshole cremated this guy's body before I could take his soul to hell! DEVIL-DAMMIT!!