Why does this site keep crab-*bleep*ingly mullifying myself with horse's cows? I'm sick of it.

Also, I no longer will watch any music video that doesn't have treadmills in it.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

2:17 am, now who wants a piece?

ok go stole that idea from my band. we did a video with synchronized thigh masters

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what if nigger meant kite

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The sales of Seinfeld: Season 7 must be flopping around the discount bin like Nancy Kerrigan in Detroit.

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You can take the heart out of the hooker but you can't take the hooker out of the heart. -- Frankenhooker

For once I'm at the head of the class.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I celebrated today by eating leftover chinese food and watching football. I feel like such a tool of the corporations. Like a monkey wrench. Or a spanner.

I'm back bitches.

oh, and you too Spankling! ;))

So, what did I miss? Besides my correct login and password?

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I'm bringing Paxil back. Yeah!

One person went on a drunken rant, deleted his comics, and left forever.

Two other people left, perhaps forever but not entirely certain.

The rest of us maintain the standard of assrape and general sacrilege in the name of comedy.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

HCRoyall

And who says you can never go home again? LOL!

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I'm bringing Paxil back. Yeah!

Hey, the legend returns!

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I has a flavor!

Do you not use/have access to the email you had for Jael # 1 anymore?

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Chicka,

Yeah something like that...although it says that email is registered and I can't use it...but no password got mailed to me so....blargh!

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I'm bringing Paxil back. Yeah!

Snow storms here in the STL. Got electric about two hours ago. Don't cry for me, we've been running two heaters on a generator and sleeping in the living room. We also saw the TV as a priority over the pc as far as generator wattage goes. Just letting everyone know I'm alive, after two and a half days with no heat or lights.

I just took the best shower of my life.

STL check in please.

Comic(s) to come soon.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Ask yourself:  "Isn't it about time I started photoshopping lewd, disgusting pictures again?"

New, fun-filled Photoshop Valley contest here

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Speaking of lewd and disgusting, here's a rather musical female-orgasm sound montage I just made called "YES YES YES."

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

attitudechickaWow! I'm glad you came through it all, and that's no snark.

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You can take the heart out of the hooker but you can't take the hooker out of the heart. -- Frankenhooker

Hey!  I just wrote a new song!  Love it, learn it, live it.

I'M IN LOVE WITH YMA SUMAC

by biped

I was at the record store on Saturday night
I was feelin' alright
But my money was tight

There was nothin' happ'nin' at the top of the chart
That resembled art
I had an empty cart

I found a record in the back of the store
On the second floor
By the emergency door

It was in a rack that said "we're cuttin' it out"
A pretty face looked out
And turned my head about

CHORUS:
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
I'm so glad that I found her in the cut-out rack
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
I'm so far gone I'm never comin' back

And so I raced right home, I just couldn't wait
To see how it would rate
I felt like I had a date

I had never met her, I was takin' a risk
So I put needle to disc
And I was off in a whisk

What I was hearin' hit me body and soul
The whole world started to roll
And I was outta control

CHORUS:
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
She stole my heart from the very first track
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
I'm so far gone I'm never comin' back

That was years ago, and I was never the same
Since I first heard her name
I guess nobody's to blame

My musical collection sits there gatherin' dust
There's no one else that I trust
My Yma is a must

Every time I look into her beautiful eyes
And hear her vocalize
I start to fantasize

And once in a while, I think of goin' somewhere
But then her voice fills the air
And I just sit and stare

CHORUS:
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
She drives me crazy with her aural attack
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
I'm so far gone I'm never comin' back

I'm in love with Yma Sumac
She stole my heart from the very first track
I'm in love with Yma Sumac
I'm so far gone I'm never comin' back

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The Rooster People would have human bodies, with giant rooster heads. No one would know where they came from, or why they even existed. They would wander around in groups of ten or twenty, pecking at people and meddling in their everyday affairs.

Mary Tyler Moore would begin a one-woman crusade against these Rooster People. Using her celebrity to raise awareness of the problem, she would soon amass a grass-roots army of Americans whose main purpose in life would be to drive the Rooster People back to where they came from. Some of them would even go so far as to begin killing Rooster People on sight with sawed-off shotguns, which Mary Tyler Moore would privately celebrate despite her initial public claims to the contrary. Gradually, she would ease her objections and begin to actively encourage people to resort to such violence.

Mary Tyler Moore's television spots would consist of the following speech, given in extreme close-up by a tearful yet defiant Mary Tyler Moore:

"We must remove these Rooster People from our lives and the lives of our innocent children. Though I do not in any way endorse harming or killing them unless absolutely necessary, I do feel that it is absolutely necessary to harm and kill them.

"My former 'Dick van Dyke' show co-stars, Dick van Dyke, Carl Reiner, and Rose Marie, all support me in this worthwhile and vitally important effort. Only Morey Amsterdam is opposed to it, and, in my humble opinion, Morey Amsterdam is a rooster-fucking queer."

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

I'D LIKE TO SEE A MIME WITH CRABS
by biped

I'd like to see a mime with crabs
Attempt to entertain the crowd
As itching, burning pain increased
He'd struggle not to scream out loud.

He'd keep on miming, silently
Familiar daily deeds enact
While thinking only of his balls
And flaming urinary tract.

I'd like to see a mime in pain
Attempt to mime while knifelike stabs
Of agony deluged his brain
His penile flesh devour'd by crabs.

And as he lurched against the wind
And climbed the stairs, and walked a dog
And leaned against a mantelpiece
The crabs would feast upon his log.

And finally, his suff'ring more
Than stauchest mime could feign ignore
He'd grab a gun, blow out his brain
At last, the crowd to entertain.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Hey, guess what I got for Christmas? The ripping flu! Stuck at my parents' small one-bathroom house in Buffalo with my wife and I switching places in the bathroom every ten minutes and my son throwing up all over the kitchen floor.

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I has a flavor!

That was me last year. Except it was just me. Merry Christmas!

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Mediocrity at its most average.

A HOUSE WITHOUT WASTEBASKETS
by biped


Imagine a house that was bereft
Through negligence, or sloth, or theft
Of anyplace where you could stash
The things that qualify as trash.

Upon the floor, there'd soon be mounds
Of orange peels, and coffee grounds
Or beer cans, if you drink a lot
Or diapers, if you have a tot.

You'd have to slowly weave your way
Through refuse mazes every day
O'er garbage hurdles you would leap
Past trash stalagmites you would creep.

A stench would quickly fill each room
More awful than the dankest tomb
A smell no single nose could hold
Of rotting food, and filth, and mold.

And in the bathroom, you'd despair
While wading through the clumps of hair
And toilet paper which was stained
With things your body once contained.

As time went by, your garbage man
Would wonder why your empty can
Was never filled with things to chuck
Into the back end of his truck.

Of houseguests, you would soon have none
As word got out to everyone
That, unlike Prince, or Donald Trump,
You haunt a rat-filled garbage dump.

And then, a fate which must be faced
When finally the heaps of waste
Would reach the ceiling, filling all
With no room left for you to crawl,

And no room left for you to lodge
Except the doghouse or garage
With every room packed to the brim
And through it all you'd have to swim

Until, within this living hell
You could no longer bear to dwell
And, if you somehow found the door,
You'd leave it to return no more.

And as you wandered, you'd recall
The discount store inside the mall
Where, if you'd only thought to ask it
They'd have sold you a wastebasket.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

My son Carl is 16 today and he's actually in a good mood for a change.

It might have something to do with the wad of cash I gave him to go and spend on whatever he wants (except beer, drugs and hookers)

Way to go the extra mile dad.