Reader's Digest Condensed Films Presents: "Carrie" by biped 10-11-04

MAW-ma! If I THANK about it hard enuff, I kin MOVE thangs! GO TO YOUR ROOM, Carrietta! Oh, I'm so HEPPEH -- so vay-reh HEPPEH that Taw-meh Rawss has asted meh ta tha PRAWM! Whut HEPP'NED? Everbodeh's BURNT UP -- an' tha PRAWM is ROONT! Maw-ma's gonna KILL meh!

Farmer Brown Funks Out by biped 10-11-04

We demand the right, to hear things loud and clear! I'm tired of always missin' out, and havin' to cup my ear! Hoo god, yeah -- SAY IT LOUD! I'M DEAF AND I'M PROUD! WHUT? WHUT YOU SAY? SAY IT LOUD! I'M DEAF AND I'M PROUD! HUH! SAY IT AGAIN!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

The Goat Plan by biped 10-17-04

I hungry. I go to trough now. Where food usually is.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Sounds of the Underground - R.I.P - by smamurai 10-27-04

Shhh! What's that? I don't hear nuthin. No listen. Can you hear music? It's very muffled but I do hear it. It must be John Peel, spinning in his grave. Would It look desperate if I left some demo tapes on his grave?

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

John Peel has died. by jes_lawson 10-26-04

Some sad news, veteran radio DJ John Peel has died at the age of 65 NOOOO! You seem upset. Have you thought of doing something to take your mind off it? Yes. I'm going to play a record that I don't know the name of, at the wrong speed, before correcting myself. And it will ROCK. John Alan Parker Ravenscroft, a.k.a. John Peel. 1939-2004.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

A Halloween Tragedy by biped 10-30-04

TRICK OR TREAT! Oh, my! And who are you supposed to be, little boy? I'm your dead son, Joey! You know, the one whose death you still blame yourself for! "Jump, Joey! Mommy will catch you!" -- "Okay, Mommy! WHEEEE!" *SPLAAAAT!!!*

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Pitching A Teen Sex Romp. by UnknownEric 10-31-04

Thanks for taking this meeting. I have such a great idea for a new teen sex romp film. We'll put six people in a... Are there titties? ...beach house and... what was that? Titties. Are there titties? Aren't they obligatory? Here's your first check.

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I has a flavor!

We sell EVERYTHING! by smamurai 11-05-04

Hang on I'll check. I think we have one left. Thanks Today my friend called and told me he tried pot once at college. I hung up the phone in case his stories got me high. Hmmmn! I will help clean your baby but I will not touch the genitals. My friend is also available to help but he must be in bed for 7pm sharp. Can you go back in there and tell the lady I asked for 'muslin squares' please.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

The TV Glitch by biped 12-23-04

"...and JOHN WAYNE as 'Adolf Hitler.'" "Our story begins as --" Oops! MOMMY! The teevee just turned into a blonde girl in her underwear! "Pay no attention to what you just saw." Well...okay!

Scare Tactics by biped 12-30-04

Vote for me or I will DESTROY you! Clearly, you are unprepared to support any of your positions in this debate -- Shut up or I will DESTROY you! Well, the votes are in -- you lost by a landslide. Have sympathy sex with me or I will DESTROY you!

My "Writer's Block" Comic by biped 12-28-04

Aarrgh...I have writer's block...but I feel like making a comic anyway. FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!!! *save comic*

"Ocelots" starring Goo-Goo and Ying-Yang by biped 12-27-04

Can I help you? Yes, um...you spelled "omelets" wrong on your menu. It says "ocelots." That's because we serve ocelots here. Baked, fried, or barbecued whole ocelots, thick, juicy ocelot steaks, or tasty, tender ocelot "petites." Wow! "Ocelots" to choose from! (pause for laughter) I wrote this play. I added the part about the ocelots!

Nell At Large by biped 12-30-04

Nell tay WEE ERNA KINE, Buh-ho-da-may! Hawsie may tinah weel SPEAR mah BUTT-HOE! For GOD'S SAKE, Nell -- would you PLEASE SHUT UP about that time you FUCKED A HORSE! Nell gone go bay hi TAY-DA-HAY! Me nah erna kine hay summa GOOBAH SLOBBAH! Err, pardon me, miss...did you just offer me a free blow job? OH, gonna HAY bee nah-nah DOO-DAH, Foogah-doogah-may! Erna tay FUPPY-MUPPY way! SA DA TE, Tippie Tai! Sine your pitty on the runny kine, and cole me down on the PANNY sty!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Italian Wedding Soup by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I understand Connie and Guido have written their own vows, so without further ado, here's Connie. I've loved you since the second grade..... You was the only one that shaved. Fuhgeddaboutit!

Ma & Pa Kettle Go Digital by CHUBBY 11-22-04

What in the wide wide world of sports is that? It's the latest in cell phones. It has Bluetooth. Big deal. I've had this green tooth for years.

How [Yourtown] got its name by CHUBBY 12-24-04

17th Century: Seeking religious freedom, English emigrants from [Yourtown] arrive on the shores of America. We shall call our settlement "[Yourtown]". 18th Century: Their descendants, the Colonists, seeking a better life, settle on the Western Frontier, about 150 miles west. We shall call our settlement "[Yourtown]". 19th Century: Their descendants. newly minted American citizens, move about 150 miles west into the new lands of the new nation. We shall call our settlement, uh, wait, I know, "New [Yourtown]".

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Italian Wedding Soup by CHUBBY 12-03-04

I understand Connie and Guido have written their own vows, so without further ado, here's Connie. I've loved you since the second grade..... You was the only one that shaved. Fuhgeddaboutit!

Ma & Pa Kettle Go Digital by CHUBBY 11-22-04

What in the wide wide world of sports is that? It's the latest in cell phones. It has Bluetooth. Big deal. I've had this green tooth for years.

How [Yourtown] got its name by CHUBBY 12-24-04

17th Century: Seeking religious freedom, English emigrants from [Yourtown] arrive on the shores of America. We shall call our settlement "[Yourtown]". 18th Century: Their descendants, the Colonists, seeking a better life, settle on the Western Frontier, about 150 miles west. We shall call our settlement "[Yourtown]". 19th Century: Their descendants. newly minted American citizens, move about 150 miles west into the new lands of the new nation. We shall call our settlement, uh, wait, I know, "New [Yourtown]".

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

Yakov Smirnoff-Strike by Rabid_Weasle 2-01-05

Hey! Why does this newbie keep killing me? In Soviet Russia, n00bs pwn j00!

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Poop.

Henny youngman meets Red Meat by Spankling 2-05-05

I went to see the doctor. He said I had the body of a 23 year old. He said if I didn't get rid of it pronto he was gonna turn me in.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I love my KKK Bitch by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 2-07-05

Im sorry Miss Wong, but i Have some bad news for you and your lesbian sister. Im afraid the child that youre going to have by artificial insemination is going to be of Mixed Race. How is this possible? We took sperm from the 53 regional heads of the KKK. There must be some mistake. Im afraid not. It appears that despite all the advances in medical science over the last 20 years, two wongs still do not make a white.

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Good Toilet Training is So Important! by Spankling 2-07-05

Young Spankling takes a lesson... Mommy... so lovely... want milky... Now listen up you little snot bag! One more wet spot in the morning and I'll rub your face in it and cram a dirty toilet plunger up your lil' ass! Now use this damn thing! I better fill my squirt gun while I'm in here. I don't want to wake up without ammo!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Middle Earth: Ten Years Later by kaufman 2-10-05

Perigrin Took, where is King Aragorn? I think he's still dealing with affairs of state. Hang on, I'll go and summon him. You do that. You know how he gets if he misses one minute. Coming up next on SMEAGO, an all-new episode of Queer Eye for the Uruk-Hai.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

VD! by Spankling 2-14-05

Spankling? Yes my little hose-muffin? Happy Valentines day! [groan... I mean grovel]

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Sorry. I just found the thread for that one.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Nein, Meine Kartoffel. Ich habe keine Zwiebeln uber die Ecke by NooniePuuBunny 2-15-05

Huston... We have a problem...

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

There was an old lady who married a fly by kaufman 2-25-05

Thank goodness you're home! I was worried sick about you. Worried? Why? It's been four days. Where have you been all this time? I thought you'd been swatted or something. Oh, come on, I told you, honey. I had an optometrist's appointment.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Shades of Red by Rabid_Weasle 3-02-05

...no, I think that colour is a little to dark to be cherry red. Wrong cherry. What?