Old, but...

MacKajun Meets Father MacOban by fuzzyman 5-02-02

You wanted to see me, Father MacOban? Yes, MacKajun. I fear for your soul. The Lord doesn't like cross-dressers! It's a kilt! It's traditional Scottish attire! You should know that! I understand the kilt, MacKajun. It's those lacy yellow panties that are an abomination! Those aren't lacy and yellow. They're tattered and soiled. I am at once repulsed and fascinated.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

You probably haven't laughed at these in the last two years ...

CC 165: Rap on Wood by kaufman 1-15-03

Andy, I need to get in touch with the Mad Rappist. All the wooden badgers on my farm have gone into pon farr at once, and I need someone to service them. fuck's my only hope. I'm afraid he can't help you. He only molests living creatures, not those made of wood. You'd need a fuck made of wood to take care of your badgers. A fuck made of wood? What if we were to build a large wooden statue of fuck and set it loose on my badgers? It's worth a try. How many wooden badgers are we talking about? Oh, two, three thousand at the most. Do you think it's feasible? I don't know, but we might as well build it. If nothing else, we'll learn the answer to the age-old question: How much wood could a wood fuck fuck if a wood fuck could fuck wood?

CC 166: To Tell the Truth by kaufman 1-23-03

Number 2, what are the prospects of black holes enabling interstellar travel? ______________ We clearly need a fuller understanding of gravitational and quantum effects, but it is plausible. Number 3, Theory suggests that there should exist as much antimatter as there is matter. Where is it all? _______________ In one of Saddam Hussein's "Presidential Palaces". That's all the time we have, and the panel has voted ... Will the real Stephen Hawking please stand up? I knew it!

Be Careful What You Ask For by kaufman 2-18-03

I can't get that silly hot dog jingle out of my head. o/` Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I'd truly like to be ... Gott in Himmel! How did you know my name was Meyer Wiener? I'll grant you your wish and turn you into an Academy Award. And the award for best song goes to ... Celine Dion, for "My Song Will Go On and On and On." NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Goedel, Wisher, Bach by kaufman 2-21-03

I wish this wish wouldn't come true. ...And the universe imploded and was replaced by a far more complex one.

CC 173: Halloween by kaufman 2-28-03

Hello? Trick or treat! Why, that's a ... most interesting costume. What are you supposed to be? Can't you tell? I'm the Wicked Witch of the West. Really? I must say you look more like a formless mass of ... Well, duh! It's raining out here.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Game quotes 6 by NeoVid 2-04-04

I'll use the rocket launcher, since I'm so bad with guns. No security guards are that good. I'll talk to the blob. Remember the demon that used to be imprisoned downstairs? I'll hold my breath and run through the gas. I'm a vampire. No mortal can harm me.

Game quotes 7 by NeoVid 2-10-04

Why don't we look at what's chasing us? People that intelligent can't be warlike. There's eight of us, one of him, and he's not even armed! We'll open the door, throw in the dwarf, wait for the noise to stop and then open it again. What do we see? ...How many angry dwarves? I'm sure the troll will be too grateful for being freed to attack us. Anything but a 1...

Game quotes 8 by NeoVid 3-02-04

A huge gem surrounded by spikes with skewered skeletons on them? Too obvious to be a trap. I give the fire giants the finger. Shields are for wimps! My defensive spells should still be working... I broke my rapier parrying his axe? No prob, I have a spare. The air's solidifying? Uh, I start digging.

Game quotes 9 by NeoVid 3-02-04

Hey, why isn't my Detect Magic workin-AGGHHH... Why are there glowing red dots on your chest? I take my leg he just ripped off and club him with it. I parry the demon's greatsword with my stilletto! Hey, why's your suitcase ticking? A chest with no traps or locks? All right! I open it!

Game quotes 10 by NeoVid 3-02-04

I'm standing on a big X? Don't worry, they're all sworn pacifists. I have to do this to satisfy my honor. Can the spell use a substitute kind of blood? Nah, it's just a regular dragon with an illusion of four extra heads. The ogre just said, "I would prefer it if we cease hostility." My character has a heart attack from shock.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

Art for Art's Sake by kaufman 1-30-02

I'm going to hammer a nail into my forehead, and hang from it whatever picture fits my mood. I'll have room to express myself. You'll be as hip as a pelvis, Arthur -- you'll be one walking performance art museum! Yeah, when I'm feeling contemplative, up goes the Mona Lisa; when I'm confused, Dali's wristwatch will show. Well, here goes nothing .... OWWWWW! I can see we'll be using that Munch painting seven days a week.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Department of Haiku Security by kaufman 3-15-03

_________ Terrorist suspect _________ ______ Three-day interrogation ______ _______ Does not say a thing. _______ ______ Cracks under pressure ______ ____ Suspect suddenly combusts ____ __________Spontaneously. __________ _______ But he, we find out, _______ __ Was just a common street mime. __ ____ Break out the champagne! ____

CC 178: More Scarlet Letters by kaufman 3-22-03

Wow, Judge Mengigo has really gotten into the branding of prisoners since the Prynne case. What were you folks convicted of? Stalking Barbara Feldon. Throwing a bone at a black monolith. Preaching a heliocentric universe. Treason, horsetheft, embezzling, extortion, necrophilia, dancing, idolatry, sodomy, noogieing, intoxication, being gay and hopscotch.

Community Chest by kaufman 3-26-03

YOU WON SECOND PRIZE IN A BEAUTY CONTEST. COLLECT $10. Yessss!

Not if she paints her sockets black by kaufman 4-02-03

You know that Rolling Stones song, that country-sounding one about "the girl with the faraway eyes"? Yeah, I think I remember that tune, haven't heard it in a while. So, like, where are her eyes? Peru? New Guinea? And does she look like Orphan Annie, or what?

When She Was Bad She Was Horrid by kaufman 4-26-03

What's the matter with her, eh? I don't know, it's probably PMS. PMS? Look at this! Snowdrifts up to here; someone even built a snowman in the middle of the rink. Our curling match is supposed to start in 15 minutes!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Bad News, Worse News 6 by MikeyG 2-15-05

What's the bad news? I've laced all your food since last year with carcinogens and now you have cancer. What's the worse news? American Idol has been renewed for another season.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Davey Finds Jesus by umfumdisi 3-14-05

Let me get this straight...you used to roll with a crew of twelve; they had your back, and you had theirs? In a manner of speaking, yes. And you're even more popular dead than you were alive? Again, yes. And your name's not Tupac?

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Some lighter laughs:

January 6, 2001 by kaufman 5-27-03

Let there be light.

Episode IV: A New Dope by kaufman 5-22-03

Hey, get a load of this! We're carrying a smaller copy of our spaceship on board. Inside are probably some mini-usses, and an even tinier ship with some even tinier usses, ad infinitum. Yeah, and our whole ship is flying in a giant ship and being looked at by some gigantic us. Far out. Let's smoke another banana. Here you go.

Another Day in Ancient Rome by kaufman 5-29-03

Ok, Mittens, go get 'em! We have to fight THAT? That's not a lion, it's a pussycat. Yes, but remember, we're Unitarians.

Untitled by kaufman 8-16-03

o/` Where have all the flowers gone? o/` Pluto? Hmmm... let's see. Nope, guess again.

Untitled by kaufman 8-19-03

The Doctor will see you now. What seems to be the problem? It's my drooling.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I'm going to stump for this one again. This is one of kaufman's best.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I only just noticed this thread.

Domestic Battles by ObiJo 6-09-01

I'm leaving you, Edward. You were away at war so long, I've fallen in love with another. I'd like to introduce you to him. My life couldn't get any worse. I stand corrected. It's the horse. And again.

Be sure to wear some flowers in YOUR hair, too... by pita 10-20-01

You know how they separate the men from the boys in San Francisco, don't you? No, and I'm afraid to ask... With a crowbar.

He's the only one who gives the orders here. Alright? by kramer_vs_kramer 11-17-03

Seriously, Abe, you're going to have to practise lying if you want to get back with your wife. You do want that, don't you? Oh yes. I love my wife very much. She's funny, and a great cook, and she does all the housework and the tax returns. ... and she does this thing where she ties her hair up and lies on her front, and it's almost like making love to a small boy. Okay. You're taking the "Honest Abe" thing a bit too far. Sometimes she lets me call her "Gerald".

Lethargic Larry 4 by biped 6-23-04

Hello, 911? The woods are on fire. What is the exact location of the fire? Could you describe the size and intensity of the blaze? Does it appear to be out of control? Is it endangering innocent people? Aah, fuck it.

Inane Conversations #22 by andydougan 2-14-03

I was just teasing my friend about his missing foreskin. Think he might be SENSITIVE about that? Haw. It depends on the CIRCUMstances. Did he BRIStle at your comment? I hope he wasn't too CUT UP about it. Shut up.

Due to the suckiness of my connection, I'm not sifting through the last few pages just to find out if this got stumped or not:

SUPER-HA-HA-FUNNY DUDE by biped 8-25-04

BLEEDLE-DEE-BLAH!!! DOTE-DEE-DOTE-DEE-DOE!!! HYECK HYECKITY HOO HAH!!! Oh my GOD... I can't believe I hired this IDIOT to entertain at my daughter's birthday party... BULL-FUCKING-SHIT, BEE-YOTCH!!! I'M SUPER-HA-HA-FUNNY DUDE!!! SO FUCKITY FUCK YOU!!! DOODLE-DEE-DOO!!! Well, you're certainly not funny to ME! In fact, I find you incredibly ANNOYING! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! HEY KIDS, YOUR MOM'S A FUCKING CUNT!!! HEE HEH-HEH HAH HAW!!! NOW EVERYBODY SING, "EAT SHIT, MOMMY!!!" SHUT UP!!! KIDS, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!! HE'S A VERY BAD MAN!!!