The thread for comics which you create, which are one note , one joke , dont fit into any current categories, and which arent part of any series you intend to pursue.

In effect , random funny comics which are one-offs

The Return of the Precious by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-11-04

So i said to him "The White Wizard has cleared the lands around Isengard so he can generate gravitons" Ha Ha Ha What the fuck are you Tolkien about.

Next!

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

Writer's Block by niteowl 12-26-03

I hate it when the cat sleeps on the computer keyboard.

Intermission by niteowl 1-08-04

My girlfriend while watching "Cops". "Why do I do this job?" "I could give you several reasons." "I feel like I've accomplished something rather than sitting in a cube, enjoying the AC, staring at a monitor." Let's see what kind of a difference I make when you don't get your bank statement, dumbass!

Starting at $29,995 by niteowl 6-13-01

"He had that murderous look in his eyes. He felt the need to kill." "He needed to unleash his anger upon the world..." "...he headed for the open road to find another victim." Car commercials sure are getting weird lately.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Brightest Thing in the Sky by Xuanwu 12-15-03

I am Mars, God of war, second planet from the sun. Now ph33r me, for I am the brightest thing in the whole damn sky! FOURTH PLANET! YOU'RE THE FOURTH PLANET FROM THE SUN! :P I LAG! Slut.

You Have Much to Learn, Young Tentacled One by Xuanwu 1-07-04

[BigBlueMan] ...I slip off your panties with ease, eying the fruits that lay beneath. [HelplessMaiden] Oooo! [BigBlueMan] Suddenly, my crotch springs to life and a dozen tentacles erupt! A tentacle reaches up to enter your panting mouth... [HelplessMaiden] Mouth? No! You start with the groin! You make them horny so they won't bite you on the way in. [BigBlueMan] Huh? How do you know? Let's just say I have my sources. Heh heh heh.

A tribute to my sister by laughinginyourface 12-05-03

You smell really bad.

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...and pain joined his urge to percieve...

One Thursday Afternoon in Oz by kaufman 1-06-04

Nothing to worry about, ma'am, just a little water on the knee. You'll be walking fine in a few days. Nothing to worry about? Nothing to worry about? I'm melting!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Punchline by ObiJo 1-07-04

Want to hear a joke? No. Why not? Because you killed my wife and children with a broom. Ah. So you've heard it before.

Punchline 2 by ObiJo 1-07-04

Hello, field mouse. I'm not talking to you. Why not? Because you killed my wife and children with a mower. Hey, you wanna hear a joke? No.

And I made this one specifically for whoever said "bring back potato durden!" in my user comments:

The Return of Potato Durden(I brought him back just for you) by ObiJo 1-06-04

Greetings, Potato Donkey. I am Potato Durden. Yes, I know. We met. Did we now? Yes. Let's cut the shit!! Where'd you hide the jewels?! I hid them in a potato.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

The Other Other White Meat by Xuanwu 1-09-04

This is Krys Krystoferrson here with the news. We go live to Phil McKracken, who is covering a recent riot at a McDonalds restaurant. So, why exactly did the workers start to scream and burn things? We found out the horrible truth! The new Chicken McNuggets... are PEOPLE! I'm lovin' it.

The funny thing is, I knew this was coming when I read the second panel... I just saw that movie, and enjoyed it. Not as much as House of 1000 Corpses, but it was still awesome.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Learning Gnome-sticism by Xuanwu 1-11-04

Whatever you do tonight, DON'T GO TO SLEEP! The lawn ornaments have been coming alive at night. Lawn ornaments... Right. The little dwarfish ones are the worst. They've come up with some kinky stuff. Before today, I never thought you could drink too much Bawls. Now I know. Later that night... Here's how it works: I get on the chair. You sit on me. My pointy hat does the rest. Capice? Isn't that awfully personal? I hardly gnome you.

This comic doesn't belong anywhere, I just wanted a strip called "Charlton Heston"

Charlton Heston by thochaos 1-12-04

You've got to warn everyone and tell them! Soylent green is made of people! You've got to tell them! Soylent green is people! Yeah, it says so right here on the packaging. ... I meant "genetically-modified" people! GASP!

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"If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in your family"

"Soylent Pink" is made of people from San Francisco.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

And it's triangle shaped. It's how the color blind can tell it apart.

C'mon man, Soylent Pink isn't really pink. It's more yellowish-orange.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Contrary to popular belief, Soylent Orange is not made from people from Orange County, or the actors on 'the O.C.'. It's actually made from Kaufman's body hair.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Two notes for the price of one. by jes_lawson 1-15-04

Later, Wendy's got a cute little story about racketeering she wrote all be her pretty little self, didn't you Wendy-Woo? Hrmph! And bizzare rumours of unexplained ironic teleportation events in the region... Uh...after these messages...

If you've read any of my strips with the newsreaders who hate each other or the Teleporting Blue Man you might find this funny. Otherwise, go and fuck yourselves with a pointy stick.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Oh yeah... I haven't gotten off like that in ages! Any more suggestions?

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"If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in your family"

VH-1 Bands Reunited Presents... by UnknownEric 1-15-04

Thomas Dolby and the creepy old guy from his video! When she's dancing... SCIENCE! Dammit, you came in early AGAIN! What is so hard about... SCIENCE! I TOLD YOU we shoulda tried to get Stephen Hawking to do a guest appearance. SCIENCE!

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I has a flavor!

PSA by niteowl 1-17-04

Hello there. We have a problem on the roads of America today. It has been said that there are invisible cars all over the roads of America. This is simply not true. That line of cars behind you when you're stopped in the middle of the fast line while you're trying to move into the next lane over? Those cars behind you are real, not imagined. I also cannot read your mind. When you cut me off by deciding to switch lanes without signaling, and I honk my horn at you, I'm not saying hello. You don't have to wave at me. Contrary to popular belief, when I drive past you shaking my head, I'm not thinking to myself, "Man, I wish I had that Lexus". I'm thinking, "Who the fuck did you blow to get your license?". Also...put down the cell phone already and concentrate on the road. Watching you swerve all over your lane because you can't drive one handed doesn't instill a sense of calm in me when I'm behind you. So please, if you have half a brain, bring it with you when you wander into rush hour traffic. Not that I'll be holding my breath or anything, because I'm not ready to commit suicide. YET. Thank you!

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

Not as hillarious as your other comics, but incredibly true. Sometimes I wonder if Chico has a law against turn signals.

It's not so bad when they're in the left turn lane, but when they suddenly slow from 55 to 10 in 5 seconds, then jump into the turn lane, stopping me and everyone behind me, it gets a little fucking annoying.

Also, people don't seem to know what that little arrow that points RIGHT means. I sat behind some dumbass for nearly 5 minutes waiting for him to turn. I honked, he flipped me off, then went straight. From the right turn lane.

Then there was the time I was turning left, and had a green light. Some dumbshit just flew right through a Yield sign, damn near slamming into me, and had the nerve to honk at me, as if I was the moron.

Mandatory driving lessons for everyone, fuck. Simple basics, like turn signals, what a YIELD sign means, why you shouldn't drive in fog with your high-beams on, why you shouldn't pass someone going 60 in a 55 zone with a cop behind you (god, that was fucking hillarious.), why tailgating is dangerous (especially at 60mph), and how to GET THE FUCK OVER when someone is trying to merge...

Among other things.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

quote:

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Not as hillarious as your other comics, but incredibly true. Sometimes I wonder if Chico has a law against turn signals.

It's not so bad when they're in the left turn lane, but when they suddenly slow from 55 to 10 in 5 seconds, then jump into the turn lane, stopping me and everyone behind me, it gets a little fucking annoying.

Also, people don't seem to know what that little arrow that points RIGHT means. I sat behind some dumbass for nearly 5 minutes waiting for him to turn. I honked, he flipped me off, then went straight. From the right turn lane.

Then there was the time I was turning left, and had a green light. Some dumbshit just flew right through a Yield sign, damn near slamming into me, and had the nerve to honk at me, as if I was the moron.

Mandatory driving lessons for everyone, fuck. Simple basics, like turn signals, what a YIELD sign means, why you shouldn't drive in fog with your high-beams on, why you shouldn't pass someone going 60 in a 55 zone with a cop behind you (god, that was fucking hillarious.), why tailgating is dangerous (especially at 60mph), and how to GET THE FUCK OVER when someone is trying to merge...

Among other things.

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I figured as much. I've done some like that before. The traffic situation is worldwide, I fear.

I go the speed of traffic when I try to merge, but people won't let me in... It's fecknig annoying.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

That is SOOOOOO not Dolby. Although i confess there arent many better candidates in the artwork currently.

PS : Does anyone know of a torrent or such where i can find Hyperactive & Close but no Cigar videos? I have the albums, but VH1 just no longer loves Thomas Dolby :(

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Ever watch Rockula? Thomas Dolby "acts" in it.

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Poop.

Humans are Chewy by Xuanwu 1-22-04

People are filled with nougat. It's what my aunt tells me when she's preparing dinner.

Mmm, nougat...