A few hours ago, I wrote this for CC 256:

CC 256: On this Dayton History by kaufman 9-01-04

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed across the vast ocean in hopes of discovering America. He landed in the center of Ohio, and built a capital there, named after himself. The rest of Ohio was named after his fellow crewmembers: Grover Cleveland, Carl Cincinnati, John Akron, Jose Toledo, William Ashtabula, Ivan Zanesville, Steve Putinbay, Ernest Uppersandusky, Fred Washingtoncourthouse, ...

Which inspired this IM exchange with MikeyG:

quote:

---

MikeyG: re: 248993, you forgot "Steve Intercourse"

kaufman: Is there an Intercourse in Ohio? I know there's one in PA.

MikeyG: I thought that was the state it was in.
Perhaps I am wrong

kaufman: No, Pennsylvania. Been there. Had lunch there.

...

kaufman: But feel free to make a sequel about William Penn's crew discovering Pennsylvania. I'm sure he had some funny men on board. Aside from Steve.

MikeyG: Steve Intercourse

kaufman: We can really piss biped off and make a 50-comic series.

---

Yorkidding me, right? by MikeyG 9-01-04

In 1773 ½, Big Joey Albany sailed across New Jersey with vast hopes of being able to breathe. Instead he founded New York and its capital, named after himself. The rest of the cities were named for members of his crew. 1st Mate Ralph Yonkers, Tiberius Bronx, Augustus Whiteplains, Wilford "Scooter" Woppingersfalls, Thaddeus Statenisland...

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

United States of Bennington by kaufman 9-01-04

In, 1666, Monty Pelier led his Flying Circus over the Green Mountains, and succeeded in discovering Vermont. When these early aviators landed, they built a capital, named after their leader. The rest of Vermont was named after his fellow airmen: Benjamin Burlington, Jerry Rutland, Ed Woodstock, Helmut Middlebury, Ronald Weston, Michael St. Johnsbury, Lawrence Derbyline, Paul Whiteriverjunction, ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Georgia Peach by MikeyG 9-01-04

Back sometime allegedly before WW2, Machiavelli Atlanta tripped over a South Dakotan stone and fell into Georgia. He fell pretty far. He named the capital after himself and the other areas he named for the thirty Leprechauns he was carrying in his pocket, none of which were actually Irish. They were Angus Experiment, Patrick Piedmont, Vargus Manchester, Nigel Eastpoint, Marvin Buttsmonroe, Norman Libertyhill, Zippy Peachtreecity...

---
The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I've never been pissed off by anything that I could totally disregard.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

I've never been pissed off by anything that I could totally disregard.

Oh, by the way, a couple more installments.

I'm OK, You're OK by kaufman 9-01-04

In 1848, new territory was opened to homesteading. But some people jumped the gun and got there first, before the official start time. Get back here, you cheater! The first of these "sooners", Joe Oklahomacity, built a capital, and named it after himself. Other early arrivals had cities named after them: Luther Tulsa, John Muskogee, Harold Lawton, David Guymon, Enid Norman, Norman Enid, Jay Brokenbow, ...

The Spokane Truth by kaufman 9-01-04

Hey, you just won a gold medal in the 1956 Summer Games. What are you going to do? I'm going to DISNEYLAND! But on their way to Disneyland, all those medalists got caught in a fog bank, strayed off course, and wound up in present day Washington State. They built and named the capital Olympia in honor of their feat, and named the rest of the cities after themselves: Sue Seattle, Ben van Couver, John Yakima, Patty Portangeles, Wanda Wallawalla, ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Nothing I say is irrelevant.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

That's enough from you, young man. I want an eight-comic series, "Biped vs. the Borg," on my desk by Tuesday.

Oh, and here's Rhode Island:

On the Rhode Again by kaufman 9-02-04

In 1627, a group of settlers looked for a place to dock. But their rowboat was the smallest ship in the fleet, and they knew they'd never find it again in one of those megastates. So instead they landed in present-day Rhode Island, where those big SUS's couldn't fit. And they built a capital and named it after their captain, John Providence. The rest of the state was named after his fellow crewmembers: Samuel Newport, Rene Cranston, John Kingston, Bill Westerly, Peter Pawtucket, Lester Woonsocket, ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

My money's on the Borg. Because they rock.

Wyoming? Why Not Oming? by ivytheplant 9-02-04

In 1807, a time traveler and his motley crew were wandering about the US West, trying to find a good bar and whorehouse. They went from territory to territory, not finding anything suitable. Finally, they decided to form their own damn state. And so, they built their own bars and brothels in present-day Wyoming and named the capital after their leader, Moondust Cheyenne. The rest of Moondust's fellows named towns after themselves: Matt Casper, Kitty Laramie, Kenneth Evanston, Jes Rawlins, Chris Rocksprings, Eric Greenriver, Todd Kemmerer, Mikey S. Jacksonhole...

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 1 by biped 9-02-04

Treaty Time, Beany! Are you hungry for your yummy treaties? Meow, meow! Meow, meow! Would you like chicken, turkey or seafood today? Or maybe even yummy "gourmet" fla-- THE BORG ARE COMING. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. Wha -- huh? Meow, meow! Meow, meow!

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 2 by biped 9-02-04

Boo-yah ka-sha! Big up yo' self. Today we is gonna be talkin' bout "respeck", yo. Black Widow's tight black costume is so fucking sexy. And it really shows off her big tits. CHECK IT -- DA BORG GEEZAS IS COMIN'. YOU IS LIKE GONNA BE RIGHT ASS-STIMULATED, INNIT. NO DOUBT. Man, I'd sure like to -- HUH? Wot? "Miss" Reno? But -- you's a geeza, right? No, seriously -- First kitty, and now TV. I'm starting to get A-SCARED!

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 3 by biped 9-02-04

Oh, it's you, Mr. Hooper. What's up? I'm all packed up and getting the fuck out, that's what's up. You know, what with the Borg coming and all. Wanna catch a ride? What -- what's going on? Wait...you're an alien too, right? No, I'm just a regular human being. Shit...you live next to a guy for ten years...

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 4 by biped 9-02-04

Well, I'm outta here. You comin'? I guess so. I don't want to get ass-stimulated. OH NO! THEY'RE ALREADY HERE! AND THEY'VE ASSIMILATED MY SPACESHIP! Should I go back and get my car? Well dude, we're cooked. Get ready to be turned into a hideous space monster led by an evil hive mind. Will there be a pee-pee test?

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 5 by biped 9-02-04

WE ARE BORG. PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. Okay...hey, do you have one of those cool uniforms in a XXXL? WELL...uh, we may have to let one out a bit -- BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE -- THE BORG ARE CAPABLE OF THIS! WE ARE -- Boy, those are tight. I'll bet the Borg chicks look fuckin' hot in those. Does it ever distract you? Well, yeah, I -- SHUT UP! WE ARE BORG! WE ARE NEVER DISTRACTED! YOU WILL BE -- If you get a boner, is it, like, a "hive boner"?

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 6 by biped 9-02-04

COME WITH ME TO BE TRANSFORMED INTO A BORG DRONE. Wow, Jessica Simpson! You've already been assimilated, huh? WE ARE NO LONGER JESSICA SIMPSON. AND WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT "ASMILULIMATED" MEANS -- I never thought I'd ever get to see you "in person!" Especially in such a way sexy outfit! YOU WILL -- oh, giggle! Thanks! I think it really shows off my -- SHUT UP! FOLLOW ME! All-right a-rooty! I'm-a see dat "walkin' away" booty!

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 7 by biped 9-02-04

YOU ARE BEING ASSIMILATED. YOUR MIND IS JOINING THE HIVE MIND. I AM BEING ASSIMILATED. MY MIND IS JOINING THE HIVE MIND. YOU ARE BECOMING -- YOU ARE -- UNNNGGGHHH! BEER! BIG TITS! YES. WE ARE BORG. WE LOVE BEER. WE LOVE BIG TITS. WE ARE GETTING A BONER! WE MUST BE MASTURBATED! WE WILL GO GET THE STROKE MAGAZINES AND THE TISSUES!

BIPED VS. THE BORG part 8 by biped 9-02-04

BEER! SPIKE TV! BONER! MASTURBATE! BIG TITS! UNNNGGGHHH! BORG MUST CHECK OURSELVES BEFO' WE WRECK OURSELVES, YO! THIS SPECIMEN IS UNFIT! FLY AWAY! FLY AWAY! Well, heck. I never even got to wear one of those cool uniforms. Oh, well... Treaty Time, Beany? UNNNNGGGHHHH!

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Aw hell. I should have known better. No one can beat the sex drive of biped. Not even the Borg.

Then again, they DID let Captain Janeway kick their asses so their ability is in question.

biped,

Did you have to use those for the borg characters? All I could think was:

Honorable Borg Used Cubes by kaufman 9-02-04

Here at Honorable Borg Used Cubes we offer only the best in used cubes. Look at this beauty, only driven by a little old lady to planet-busting every Sunday. Well, I dunno, it looks a little pricey... Haggling is irrelevant. Honorable Borg only has the finest cubes at already the lowest prices imaginable. You will buy it. You are being assimilated. I am being assimilated. I will buy it. And you will buy the deluxe anti-meteor undercoating. And I will buy the deluxe anti-meteor undercoating.

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

quote:

---

biped,

Did you have to use those for the borg characters?

---

The Reston the Story by kaufman 9-02-04

In 1607, a group of English settlers sailed up the James River in search of a place where they could legally smoke. They landed and set up a capital there, naming it after their captain, Edward Richmond. They named the state in honor of the fact that they had a hard time getting laid with their smoky breath. The rest of the state was named after the other crew members: Christopher Norfolk, Michael Roanoke, Timothy Newportnews, Bob Manassas, David Winchester, Dennis Frontroyal, Harvey Tysonscorner, ...

Hoosier Shock by kaufman 9-02-04

In 1902, escaping persecution from football partisans, 500 rabid basketball fans drove west in their racecars in search of a new homeland. They wound up in the middle of present-day Indiana, built a capital, and named it after the settler who arrived there first, Joe Indianapolis. The rest of the state was named after the other drivers: John Evansville, Alan Bloomington, Morgan Terrehaute, Gary Gary, Anthony Kokomo, Myron Fortwayne, Thomas Frenchlick, ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Two Letters Better Than Kansas by ivytheplant 9-02-04

Once upon a time, a group of outcasts searched for a new land of opportunity rich in resources and able to support a huge colony. Eventually, they ended up in Arkansas, a land rich with wildlife, rivers, diamonds, and rusted cars. And so they settled there, naming the capital after their leader: Billy Bob Littlerock. Other towns were named after the first settlers: Bobbalu Bullshoals, Igor Threebrothers, Zelda Zinc, Henry Rush, Archibald Yellville (good story here), Glen Toadsuck, Suzie Snow, Bob Hope...

Your Spuun's In The Beg, Don'tchaknow? by ivytheplant 9-02-04

So once upon a time, eh? These here Canadians migrated south, eh? and found a pretty cool place to live, don'tchaknow. Course there was a lot of Vikings there, eh? but that meant no harm, eh? So the Canadians settled down and married Vikings, eh? and made a lot of Jello salad, eh? and named their capitol after their leader, eh? John St. Paul, eh? So then, eh? they named the other towns after his cousins, eh?: Doug Minneapolis, Joe Duluth, Culkin McCauleyville, Eustace Euclid, Denise Wyoming, Tom Grandrapids, George Redwing, Mary Owatonna...

Deep in the Artificial Heart by kaufman 9-03-04

In 1977, tired of prejudice and discrimination against them, a group of cyborgs picked up and left for a new home they could call their own. They wound up in what we now know as Texas, and built a capital there, named after their leader and prototype, Steve Austin. The rest of the state was named after the other cyborgs: Daniel Dallas, Billy Waco, Margaret Sanantonio, Bo Lubbock, Oscar Wichitafalls, Jaime Amarillo, Locutus Elpaso, Sevenofnine Corpuschristi, ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Anyone know what point a joke crosses the line from being "Infinitely Funny" to "Done to Death, and someone is laying atop the grave masturbating to pictures of Henry Winkler"?

I never quite worked it out.

---
"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

All the way to Leno by lukket 9-03-04

In 1992 Johnny Carson was ousted from the Tonight Show studios where he had practically lived since 1962 Together with his ready-for-pension crew, he roamed the Great Plains of America in search for a new home. He founded Nevada and named the capital Carson City... Notable people among his former crew were Antonio Las Vegas, Jay Reno, Ann Boulder City, Bob Pahrump, Fran Fernley, Winnie Winnemucca, Phil Fallon, Harry Henderson and Bob Sparks

---
troelsea at gmail dot com

The story of Ben Dover by lukket 9-03-04

In spring 1958, Ben Dover soon came to regret presenting himself to a prototype robot and had to get away quickly. Soon he drew a crowd of equal-minded people and they led a ambitious search for new horizons until they reached the shore. Here Dover founded Delaware and named the capital after himself Other cities were named after his fellow travellers: Welma Wilmington, Theodore Bear, Carl Lewes, Scott Glasgow, Nora Newark, Dawson Pike Creek, Mercedes Seaford, and Orville Georgetown.

---
troelsea at gmail dot com

Aaaaaayyyyyyy!

Don't worry, we're almost a third done already. And then we'll break new ground ...

Eh?

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The boys' bathroom at Arnold's is Fonzie's "office." He hangs around in there being "cool" while guys are taking a rank, smelly dump. I just don't understand it.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Brigham On! by kaufman 9-03-04

Desperately needing a good night's sleep, an intrepid group of insomniacs headed off in search of somewhere far away from any place where caffeine was available. They eventually found their way to present-day Utah, and set up a capital named after their leader, Joe Saltlakecity. The rest of the state was named after his fellow insomniacs: Harry Provo, William Ogden, Curly Moab, Herman St. George, Edward Bryce Canyon, Elvis Mexicanhat, ...

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

The war chancellor finds his Peace Garden State by lukket 9-04-04

In the 1890 German election, both the Catholic Centre and the Social Democrats made great gains, and Otto von Bismarck resigned at the insistence of Kaiser Wilhelm II, who came to the throne in 1888 Gehen Sie weg! Jawohl, mein Kaiser! Disappointed in his country, Bismarck went to U.S.A. to settle down, but was thrown out of South Dakota after living for a year in Lincoln's left nostril. He went North with a gang of petty thieves. They founded North Dakota and named the capital after Otto. Other cities were named after the thieves: Bruce Williston, Cruella Devilslake, Will Fargo, Hugh Dickinson, R U Minot, and Alotta Grandforks