New Job Opportunities by ivytheplant 9-28-04

Well, I got a job interview for tomorrow at Wal-Mart. Fingers crossed, I need the money more than my immortal soul. They obviously don't know you're the reason behind a massive security scare. I don't see you contributing to household expenses. Technically I don't even live here so you can't collect. I'll find a way if I have to astral project my hand into your bank account. Just try it. I use the same bank your student loans are drawn off of. They'd suck you dry in seconds.

Receiving Associate, VIP (Very Insignificant Peon) by ivytheplant 10-02-04

What's up? I was going over my training manual for my receiving associate job at Wal-Mart (Cthulhu help me) and I found this part interesting. That's just a fancy name for "stockboy," you know. Apparently, by the end of week two, I'm supposed to "Understand the POS Replenishment process." As a stockboy, shouldn't that be the first thing you learn? I wonder if I'll get extra points for already understanding their BS Replenishment process.

Receiving Cler--aw hell...who am I kidding?...Stockboy, VIP by ivytheplant 10-04-04

Ergh...sleep... Hey! How was your first day of work at Wal-Mart? Fine. I love being humiliated for eight hours straight as a career choice. Does this mean you won't cook supper!? I puked on mom's bed. The three of us will be conveniently hidden in the closet when she finds it.

12 Stepping by ivytheplant 10-05-04

Hi, my name is Ivy and I'm a Wal-Mart employee. HI IVY!! It's been just one day since my last shift... *GASP!* I want to quit, but...the money! I need the money! *sob!* AWWW!

Stockboy, VIP* by ivytheplant 10-05-04

*Very Insignificant Peon I discovered that no one notices if I am at work or not. The only proof of my existence is an entry in the timeclock. That's sad. I've decided to test the limits of my nonexistence. Uhoh... Behold the Ninja Employee! Able to slip under supervisor radar with cat-like ease! I'm going to take bets on how long it takes you to get fired.

Stockboy, VIP by ivytheplant 10-07-04

I don't want to be a stockboy anymore. Can I transfer elsewhere? Sure. Do you want to work in garden, men's clothing, or on the registers? Garden. Okay. Your pay is now a class higher. Is that okay? If I say "no," what will happen. Personally I'd send you to the state mental facility, but at this company, you'd probably get promoted to management.

Life in the Garden Center: First Day by ivytheplant 10-07-04

What just happened? The electricity went out because of the storm. We're closing til it comes on. Sweet! One hour later... What are you doing? The ninja employee has been exposed! And ironically, left the smoke bombs at home!

Life in the Garden Center: Day Two by ivytheplant 10-07-04

Back from the daily grind, eh? How was it? Well, they made me replace these signs: http://ivytheplant.com /images/oldsign.jpg With these signs: http://ivytheplant.com /images/newsign.jpg Wow. Busywork. Well, you have the rest of your life to do it over and over. Have fun. That reminds me, it's time we discussed rent...

Life in the Garden Center: Respite by ivytheplant 10-08-04

What the hell happened in here? ACK! What are you doing home so early? I never left. I have today off. Oh crap. "Oh crap" indeed. Now are you going to clean the kitchen or am I going to have to call mom? Cleaning!

Good stuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go torch the Walmart down the street from me.

---
Think classy, you'll be classy.

Interesting Things I Learned At Wal-Mart by ivytheplant 10-09-04

When I'm wearing my blue vest and badge, I am invisible to other employees. Yo. Hello? I need to put an Xbox on layaway? La dee dah... However, when the vest and badge comes off, I couldn't be more visible if I was glowing. Xbox. Layaway. Now! Certainly! And is there anything else I can help you with? This of course gives me many evil ideas. Foolish mortal. Leaving your keys unattended...

I Already Have A Religion by ivytheplant 10-09-04

Wal-Mart is a cult. I am thoroughly convinced of this. These are our Three Basic Beliefs. I want you to memorize and practice them every day. Is there any asperging involved? No other store has a shrine in the breakroom to the founder. No one knows or cares who founded KMart, Target, or Venture. Always remember to practice servant leadership. It's what Mr. Sam wants of us. *coughoxymoroncough* The minute I hear someone talk about "Mr. Sam's" second coming, I'm going to call the FBI. Specifically the ones who did Waco. When Mr. Sam returns to this plane of existence, He will reward the faithful with even more low prices! Mulder!

The Chronicles of Ninja Employee: Preserving Dignity by ivytheplant 10-09-04

I have been fortunate enough to miss every single daily meeting. All available associates to layaway for a daily meeting! With a customer! Usually by being unavailable, sometimes just plain hiding. All available associates to layaway for a daily meeting! Box fort to the rescue! Cat willing, I will never be forced to do the Wal-Mart cheer. Give me a W! Give me an A! Give me an L! Give me a Squiggly! Give me an M! Give me an A! Give me an R! Give me a T! What's that spell? Wal-Mart! Who's number one? The Customer! Always! Try to give me a squiggly and I'll give you a boot up your ass!

Now Part of the Problem! by ivytheplant 10-10-04

I'm now a member of the promotional committe. What does that mean? Whenever the employees have to wear something stupid, I'll get blamed. You put things in the suggestion box, didn't you? I still don't know why I accepted, but when I did, I felt my soul leave my body. I wondered why it was hiding under the couch all afternoon.

The Evil Empire Expands by ivytheplant 10-10-04

Pack your bags! We have to get out of here! What did you do? I found out in the next fiscal year, Wal-Mart will be opening 40-45 new discount stores, 240-250 new supercenters, 30-40 new Sams clubs, 155-165 new international stores, and 6 distribution centers! There's no place on Earth that's safe. We gotta leave the planet! Won't work. I hear they already have a contract with Alpha Centauri. I have a feeling there's even a Wal-Mart in the afterlife.

Daily Work Log: Stardate [-29] 2860.94 by ivytheplant 10-10-04

My nemesis, the life-size dancing Santa karaoke machine is at it again. o/^ Ho ho ho! Jingle bells, jingle bells...o/^ Just you wait, fat boy! Soon the season will be over and you'll be forgotten! His minions, the Grinch, Snowman, and Bear (also life-size dancing karaoke machines) were in on the torture. o/^ Something something Mister Griiiiiiinch!o/^ Some cult icons should never be put into the mainstream. For the sanity of the people. As if that wasn't enough, a couple set off all four at once and smilingly said: "Don't you just love this time of year!?" Come closer so I can strangle you with the cord coming out of Santa's backside.

Interesting Things I Learned At Wal-Mart 2 by ivytheplant 10-10-04

Wandering around writing in a memopad makes me look busy. Hey Ivy, ohhh...sorry! Then his hands lovingly caressed her... The virtual sponsor on the cashier training module belongs in a greasy diner rather than Wal-Mart. *raspy voice from eons of smoking* Yo Charlie! Scrambled eggs and hashbrowns! The narrator on the CBL module has some weird mechanical undertone. There's beeps and Borg-like buzzing. {You love Wal-Mart. You worship Mr. Sam. Joins us. You will be assimilated.} Must! Resist! Indoctrination!

My Daily Wal-Mart Goals: Stardate [-29] 2860.94 by ivytheplant 10-10-04

1. Get to use the cool lifty thing. PleeeeeeaaaAAAAsssE! Not until you're licensed! 2. Discover the secrets of the security cameras. So, uh *ahem* who's the poor sucker who has to watch aaaaall those security cameras? *hint hint* No one knows. It's a state secret. 3. Avoid the daily meeting. All available associates to layaway for a daily meeting! Check one!

The Customer Is Always Nuts by ivytheplant 10-11-04

People always say Wal-Mart is bad, but there's so many benefits to working here! My sister-in-law has worked at a Wal-Mart for 18 years. She loves it so much! Uhoh. Trouble! She works in the grill and has won so many awards for giving out hot dogs and she went to Dallas this past year to the Big Convention and won all sorts of awards there. Her inane chattering is causing my blood vessels to constrict in terror! She was really proud of them and doesn't have to work with all the money she has, but she just loves the people so much! And that's what's really important because... Medic!

Brainwashing Success by ivytheplant 10-11-04

Glad to be on your day off from Evil-Mart? It's not so bad. Pay's decent, benefits are good, the work doesn't su-- I'm calling the FBI. I'll get the deprogramming tapes.

Paperwork Fudging by ivytheplant 10-11-04

Wal-Mart is dedicated to helping the community. Last year we raised over $53,000 to-- Actually that's wrong. Excuse me? $53,000 is from 2002. Last year, Wal-Mart only raised just over $13,000 and this year doesn't even have an entry. I dub you Not A Team Player. I'm heartbroken.

Brava!

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

So you're telling me that someone who is sufficiently wealthy that they don't actually have to work has not only chosen to work at Wal-Mart but is in fact winning awards for serving hot dogs. I mean, that's all stuff you made up, right?

I'm honestly undecided as to whether that's better or worse than being a member of the idle rich.

Oh, and this thread was the catalyst that finally made me put you on my favorites list, so probably that means these comics are good.

Why do I like comics about work so much? That's got to be a sign that something's wrong with me.

---
The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

Sadly, none of these are.

Well, no one's talked about the second coming of Sam Walton yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Coping by ivytheplant 10-12-04

Just thought I should let you know, you've missed a couple days of your medication. Oh I know. I'm saving it for tomorrow. Um... If I take more than one dose before I go to work, I'll be REALLY happy (and high) and therefore won't be as bothered by the soul-sucking environment. They do random drug testing. You could get fired. No chance. I have perpetual prescription. Legally high during work. Booyeah!

My Daily Wal-Mart Goals: Stardate [-29] 2875.82 by ivytheplant 10-13-04

Spy on the daily meeting without being caught and forced to do the cheer. Mwah ha ha ha haaa! Give me a W! Get electronic deposit canceled. Crap. I knew I forgot something. If it's our food, we'll shred you. Refrain from mauling people who not only don't put things back, but toss them next to the hook the item normally hangs on. Excuse me jackass...

Daily Work Log: Stardate [-29] 2875.82 by ivytheplant 10-13-04

1450 hours. Scariest Wal-Mart fan EVER! http://rants.lackofoxygen.net/walmart.html Yep. I luv Wawall Mert! Must...escape! 1500 hours. Nun spotted. Maybe I should try a new career path... 1800 hours. Battled the most diabolical bolt EVER! Ivy, why are you on the floor? 15 minutes of struggle, but I finally beat that bastard!

Interesting Things I Learned At Wal-Mart 3 by ivytheplant 10-13-04

There's now Xmas music playing nonstop in the Garden Center. Get in the spirit! Could we at least wait until November? Wal-Mart sells "Pizza Crispers." I don't get it. We don't pay you to "get it." Never double dose on meds on an empty stomach. Pretty colors! Okay, urine test for you, young lady!

Pun Intended by ivytheplant 10-14-04

I need to find clipstrip hangers. You should talk to Carla, the CSM. Do you know what she looks like? No. Carla's the Negro. Color me stunned. Let's go page her.

Daily Work Log: Stardate [-29] 2881.56 by ivytheplant 10-14-04

My week 4 training plan says I have to "Discuss the purpose of execution with your trainer." This has me worried. So about that execution thing... Oh that. Well, you only have to worry about it if your work performance is below expectations. Found a Unicron toy just as it was put on the shelves. Stuck it on layaway. Soon it shall be mine! *cackles evilly* RAHR! The invisible-with-vest phenomenon happened again. An employee I had just passed while on duty blocked my entry into the "Associates Only" section while I was off-duty. Um. I need to get my wallet. I don't know you.

Notice To All Shoppers! by ivytheplant 10-15-04

"A Redneck's Christmas" is neither funny nor cute. Haw haw! 0/^ "On the first day of Christmas, my meemaw gave to me..." 0/^ That's funny! Not again. Whoever laughs at it should be killed, their children and relatives castrated, and any unborn family members terminated before term. 0/^ "On the fifth day of Christmas, my meemaw gave to me..." 0/^ Excuse me a moment. Just my humble opinion. 0/^ "On the ninth day of Christmas, my meem--" Now the world can rest in peace.

Job Satisfaction by ivytheplant 10-17-04

So how was work today? Pretty good. Getting used to the torture? Actually, I discovered that I really enjoy my job. So what did it feel like when your soul left your body? Kind of stung a bit at first, but eventually the emptiness just went numb.

Daily Duities: Claims by ivytheplant 10-17-04

While processing defective merchandise... One "Fishing Snowman" ornament. He let the fish go. One 22 inch polyresin tree. Got chopped down. One box of break resistant ball ornaments. Broken ornament.