Sit-com Staples - 'We killed the neighbours pet' by smamurai 10-13-04

How did you manage to microwave Chip's dog? 13 minutes on full-power. That's not what I meant. Go find an identical puppy to this one. Hopefully Chip won't be able to tell the difference. Leave it to me. What are you doing with that disgusting bag of blood and guts? It's a micro-waved dog. lt looks exactly like the one I accidentaly micro-waved this morning.

#

Keep 'em coming.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

Sit-Com Staples - "The Name Game" by biped 10-13-04

My wife would kill me if I hired a pretty female secretary. So I hired some guy named "Sam." Why are you telling me this? I don't give two hot shits about you or that bitch-hog wife of yours, asshole. Hi! I'm Sam! YOU'RE "SAM"? As in, "Samantha"? OH NO!!! What's the matter? Are you against hiring a woman? No -- I'm against my wife cutting my dick off.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Sit-com Staples: The Happy Ending by UnknownEric 10-13-04

Well, Billy, you burned down the garage, raped the neighbor's cat, got your sister pregnant and murdered the mayor... ...but I forgive you. Insert "awwwwww" track here. I love you, Dad. I love you too, son.

Sit-com Staples: The Misunderstanding by UnknownEric 10-13-04

Looking at a tree stump. Look at that stupid thing, sticking up so big and hard. I should have it removed. Oh no! Dad's going to have his penis removed! Let's tell Mom!

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I has a flavor!

Sit-com staples: "Let's introduce a child!" by mmyers 10-13-04

RAARRRRRR. TOBOR'S LIFE SEEMS TO BE IN A RUT. I DO THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK! TOBOR IS OUT OF ZANY ADVENTURES. Well, convienently, your drug addict sister just died and left you your rebelious nephew, Spike, to take care of and infuse some more cute energy into the show since everyone has grown up. RAARRRRR, TOBOR DOES KNOW HOW TO RAISE YET ANOTHER KID! WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME?? Just follow my lead. Everytime he says something, just do this. Me make da cornhole! You got it, dude! Cowabunghole! Awwww.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Sit-com Staples: "Double Date, Part 1" by BigEvilDan 10-13-04

Oh man, I can't believe I have a date with two women at exactly the same time. Thankfully the two restaurants are right across the street from each other. I'm sure I can keep both women entertained despite the fact that they'll be spending more than half the time alone. And I'm certain the bladder problem I'm faking as an excuse for my frequent departures isn't a turn off at all.

Sit-com Staples: "Double Date, Part 2" by BigEvilDan 10-13-04

Hey Paula? It's me, Zoe. He just left for the "washroom" again. I can't believe he has no idea we're on to him. We're twins. Did he not think we'd discuss our dinner plans with each other? I know! He almost called me Paula by mistake. I nearly started laughing when he tried to tell me that it was a Swedish expression of love. Ha! I actually paid one of the busboys to walk in while he was climbing out the bathroom window and ask what he was doing. I wish I'd given him my camera. When he gets in, ask him why going to the bathroom leaves him all sweaty and out of breath. I've got to hang up. I can see him running across the street. Why in the world did he ask to be seated by the window?

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

I did this one in my early days, before I used Suit to represent me:

Coming Up, On a Very Special Episode by choadwarrior 5-24-03

Wanna play "TV Hospital Drama?" No, let's play "Hip New Sit-Com." Okay, I'm going to spin-off, but you can stay here and play "Tired, Old Sit-Com." How do you play that? Hi...I'm your new little sister.

These are movie-related, but I'll throw them in here:

Coming to Theaters Everywhere, Every Summer by choadwarrior 5-22-03

Do you wanna play "Buddy Cop Movie?" How do you play that? I'll be the by-the-book rookie, you'll be the loose-cannon veteran. You make wise-cracks, violate suspects' civil rights, and shoot a lot of people. What else do I have to do? After turning in your shield and gun to our black captain who is getting pressured by the mayor, you have to avenge my death. Sounds like a blockbuster.

Honey, Let's Rent This One! by choadwarrior 5-24-03

I've decided that if I ever want to find a man, I have to pattern my love life after a chick-flick. I'll be happy to help. Perfect--'ll start by pointing out all your bad habits. You act annoyed, but then... ...through a series of wacky montage scenes, you'll realize you need to change for me. No. No. No. What I meant was that I'd be your overly flamboyant gay friend that you only see in two scenes.

Sit-com Staples: "The Important Party" by BigEvilDan 10-14-04

I hope everything is ready for the party tonight. My conservative boss is coming, and I'm gunning for that promotion. We may have a problem. I just found out that the invitation was mistakenly printed as an ad in Black Lesbian Abortionists Monthly. Uh oh. I ran in to our wacky neighbour Jim and offered him my joke book to help impress women. He'll be disappointed that they're all lesbians. I noticed that that KKK pamplet that was sent to us by mistake is missing. I hope he didn't think that was the joke book. Dad! I accidentally summoned an Elder God in our basement! Son, stop bothering Daddy while he's trying to remember who has what embarrasing food allergy.

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

Sit-Com Staples - "Junior Runs Away" by biped 10-14-04

Mom...Dad... (sniff) I...I'm running away from home. Oh, you are? Well, good luck, son. (chuckle) Of course, your mom and I will miss you, son. But if this is what you really want to do, we won't stop you. (wink) Goodbye, Timmy. Don't forget about your dad and me when you're out in the cold, dark, scary world all by yourself. (wink) Later... I don't give a fuck if you tired! I got forty mo' blow jobs lined up fo' you tonight, BITCH! FUCK YOU, Skeet! One of these days I'm gonna feed you your own fuckin' BALLS!

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Sit-com staples: Finally they got together! by mmyers 10-14-04

Finally, we're going to tell each other how much we really care about each other and screw. I've been waiting for this for the last 6 years. 6 years of flirting, teasing, nearly getting together and then not, each of us dating other people while the one lusts after the other, finally it ends tonight. I've always loved you, Ryan. Yes, yes, oh my YESSSS! Me too! This has been worth the wait of all these years! Yes! Wow, it was all a dream. We never got together afterall. It's as if some great force saw the ratings go down and prohibited us from getting together. I've got a 6 year old case of blue balls. Someone kill me, please.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Sitcom Staples - Beauty and the Beast by niteowl 10-17-04

This is dedicated to shows like Still Standing, King of Queens, According to Jim, etc. Hey Honey...uh, I'm going to the bar to watch the game with the guys. Can we have sex when I get home? You ask this question every week and every time you come home too drunk to stand up, let alone have sex. I know, I know....I'm a disgusting slob who rarely takes the garbage out and spends all Saturday on the couch watching football. Why did you marry me? You know why... Uh, no...I don't. I married you to boost your self-image. I make you look good because I'm so hot!

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Think classy, you'll be classy.