If my slow-ass computer was a Presidential bodyguard... by mmyers 12-28-04

Hey hey! Good to see you. Thank you for voting for me. Good to see yo-- I hate you , Mr. President! Die-die-DIE! *BANG!* MR. PRESIDENT! Look out! There's a guy behind you with a gun! (*hourglass icon*) NOOOOOOOO! Mr President! (*hourglass icon*) You've been shot!

If my slow-ass computer was in an intimate relationship... by mmyers 12-28-04

PC, if I've ever meant anything to you, anything at all, you'll tell me now exactly how you feel. If you don't want me, say the word and I'm out the door. (*hourglass icon*) Nothing? You have nothing to say to me? Then I'm gone, PC. I can't be with someone who doesn't communicate, who shuts me out. You're dead to me. Goodbye. (*hourglass icon*) I love you.

If my slow ass computer raced Jessie Owens... by mmyers 12-28-04

"On your marks...get set....GO!" Um...Hello?....Hello?...Um, I don't have legs. I can't really race anyone...Hello?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

If my slow-ass computer went into the wrong bar... by mmyers 12-28-04

Hey partner, I ain't seen you 'round here before. Lemme buys ya a drink. (*hourglass icon*) You just gonna stare at me? You think you're better than me?? Is that it? Step outside and we'll see if you're better than me when I kick your ass. Come on, pussy! (*hourglass icon*) (*hourglass icon*) Why yes, I'd love a drink. Thank you. What the fuck are you talking about?

If my slow ass computer was in a family from the Ozarks (1) by mmyers 12-28-04

Hey you dad-gum computer, whut's 4 plus 4? (*hourglass icon*) (*hourglass icon*)  8.

If my slow ass computer was in a family from the Ozarks (2) by mmyers 12-28-04

Dang he's fast!

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Once again, mmyers can take a basic complaint and stretch it out into a funny, funny series.

i'll take my ten bucks in Taco Bell dollars, thank you.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

I'll be putting the ten dollars in your Swedish Taco Bell account by sun up.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I predict that these comics will help avert a catastrophic social rebellion on Mars Colony "Alpha" in the year 2047.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

People don't believe me when I tell them I'm from the Ozarks. I figure it doesn't help that the rednecks there don't consider me a native unless I was third generation born there. And though my family is all from the Midwest, I can't really claim that since I wasn't born there at all. And I can never claim Wyoming nativeness since I moved here for school.

So I am adrift in the cosmos and I laugh at the last two comics because it's all true.

If your slow-ass computer was a WalMart employee, it would be fired for putting up Christmas stuff in November instead of October or Valentine's stuff up in January instead of December.

Bravo.

-still dead-

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dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.

I wish I had thought of this.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

I won't tell if you make it into a comic.

If my slow ass computer was on Jeopardy (1) by mmyers 12-29-04

We'll start with "bodies of water." For 100, this river begins in the Rheinwaldhorn Glacier of Switzerland and flows north. What is the Rhine River? "Bodies of water" for 200. (*hourglass icon*) Correct. For 200, this lake located in Peru is the highest navigable lake in the world. What is Titicaca? "Bodies of water" for 300. (*hourglass icon*)

If my slow ass computer was on Jeopardy (2) by mmyers 12-29-04

Correct. For 300, this lake straddles both Europe and Asia and is the world's largest saltwater lake. What is the Caspian Sea? I'll take "Planetary theorem" for 500. (*hourglass icon*) Correct. "Planetary Theorem." Okay. For $500, what theorem states that the world spins opposite of its core? What is the dynamo model? I'll take "the World Series" for 300. What is the Rhine River?

You should do it, Ivy. I trust your Wal-Mart comic timing more than I trust my own. Plus I'd be honored that someone else would be harping on my slow ass computer.

Also, one of my best friends is from the Ozarks so I get to make fun of him by proxy.;)

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

You see, the problem is that it all depends on what Alex asks. How's your computer supposed to know about opera?

Unless you install it ...

If mmyers' slow ass computer was on Jeopardy! (3) by kaufman 12-29-04

Computers for $200. This indicates when a Windows machine is busy processing, and won't respond to your input. (* hourglass icon *) Please rephrase your answer in the form of a question.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Haha!

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-=- You eat one lousy foot and they call you a cannibal. What a world. -=-

If mmyers' slow ass computer was a Wal-Mart employee (1) by ivytheplant 12-29-04

October 1st. I need you to stock the Christmas merchandise. [hourglass icon] November 1st. [hourglass icon] November 26th. You're fired. The merchandise is up.

If mmyers' slow ass computer was a Wal-Mart employee (2) by ivytheplant 12-29-04

December 26th. I need you to stock the Valentine's Day merchandise. [hourglass icon] January 1st. [hourglass icon] January 31st. You're fired. The merchandise is up.

Holy crap you guys are funny. I'm just happy to be in the same thread with you.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

If mmyers' slow-ass computer was a porn star... by MikeyG 12-30-04

*hourglass icon* Oh yeah! Oh oh oh oh oh!!! *hourglass icon* Unh uh unnnnnhhhh yeah oh god yeah! Two days later... Oops, I think I came inside you.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Through history with mmyers' slow ass computer by kaufman 12-30-04

Pompeii, 79 Vesuvius is about to blow. Tell the people to evacuate! (* sundial icon *) Montana, 1876 Tell General Custer there are more Indians than he thinks. (* hourglass icon *) Washington, 2001 We just received new information from Iraq. Tell the President that Saddam has no more weapons of mass destruction. (* hourglass icon *)

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

If my slow ass computer was on Law and Order:SVU... by mmyers 12-30-04

Allright, you're under arrest for 17 murders in the greater tri-state area. But I'm innocent! Innocent I tells ya! This here is Mr Electric Chair, you freaking pervert. Say hello to the devil for me. But I'm innocent! I didn't do--ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ--AHHHHHHHHH! Stop the execution! I have the evidence right here! It's a good thing I don't have a conscience.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

mmyers slow-ass computer, working at Past Times by jes_lawson 12-31-04

Excuse me. I'm looking for a gift for my father; he collects historical timepieces. Do you have any suggestions? *hourglass icon* Thanks! That's perfect! *hourglass icon* How about a Great Moments of History Carriage clock: Albert Einstein invents Cheez-Wizz! Only $59.99!

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

Mmyers' Slow Ass Computer's New Year's Eve Party by BigEvilDan 12-31-04

... 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year! (*hourglass icon*) (*hourglass icon*) Happy 1999!

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

mmyers' slow ass computer is asked a question by boinky33 1-01-05

What is your favorite kind of pie?

mmyers' slow ass computer is asked a question by boinky33 1-01-05

mmyers' slow ass computer is asked a question by boinky33 1-01-05

mmyers' slow ass computer is asked a question by boinky33 1-01-05

mmyers' slow ass computer is asked a question by boinky33 1-01-05

Pumpkin.

Obligatory mmyers' slow-ass computer comic by CHUBBY 12-31-04

9/11/01. 9:01 a.m. "Dubya. mmyers' slow-ass computer. The nation is under attack." 9:05 a.m. (*hourglass icon*) (*deer-in-the-headlights stare*) 9:08 a.m. ................................9:09 a.m. I'm declaring a state of emergency. I'm declaring a state of emergency.

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"We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did." Groucho Marx

My slow-ass computer revisited by mmyers 1-14-05

Hehehehe. Hehehehehe. What are you laughing at? Heh--blonde jokes. HAHAHAHAHAHA! 100s and 100s of hilarious blonde jokes! Ah-hahaha!

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

mmyers' slow ass computer by boinky33 1-14-05

SHOW ME THE MONEY!