Awkward by crabby 2-14-06

Son, I hate to embarass you, but I've got to come right out and ask this. Have you been masterbating? Ummm.... Its a perfectly normal occurence in a young mans life, you shouldn't feel ashamed. Well dad, yeah, I have been masterbating. Alot. Have you been thinking of me while you do it? No.

AWKWARD 2 by crabby 2-14-06

Son, if you aren't thinking of me, then I'd really like to hear who exactly you've been thinking of. Well..Alot of people. Grandpa? Grandpa died before I was born, I've only seen pictures of him. Do you use the pictures to masterbate too? No.

AWKWARD 3 by crabby 2-14-06

So, these girls you've been thinking of while touching yourself, are they mostly Hollywood starlets or are some of them neighborhood girls? I think of both, I guess. ... If I told you that you were adopted, would you consider thinking of me while you stroke yourself? No.

Awkward 4 by crabby 2-14-06

I don't want you to be embarassed by our talk. I want you to be comfortable talking to me about anything. Ok. I'm just going to come right out and say it. I know you've probably been thinking this for awhile now. Ummmm.... I sold you to the viking next door.

Awkward 5 by crabby 2-14-06

First things first, yur daddy was a pathetic fucker who asked me if I thought of him while stroking myself. After questioning me about it for an uncomfotable time, he offered to sell you to me. Second things second, I need a warrior child to avenge my ghost. I was actually murdered by my ex wife's boyfriend seven years ago. My astral form hasn't been able to find steady work. Third things third, yur gunna have to go out and find a job to support the both of us, if you crave meat, I can't provide it. Ghosts don't eat. We can, I just prefer not to. I need to find a bathroom to jerk off in. STAT!

Awkward 6 by crabby 2-14-06

Hi. I'm the kid who called you about the job. Did you bring the sperm? I brought some. I can't get my wife pregnant. It turns out I have a low sperm count because I tied a rubber band around my genitalia all through my teen years. Now I can't get erect without a rubber band on my balls. So, I put it in tupper ware. I think thats pretty safe. I thought you might try and sell me fake sperm. So once my wife is pregnant I'll wire transfer the money to my grandfather and you can pick the money up from him. He's haitian, but he's a good man.

Awkward 7 by crabby 2-14-06

Fourth things fourth, have you found a job yet? I sold some sperm, I need to go visit a haitian man to receive my payment. Fifths things fifth, my wife left me for an elderly Haitian man. The only way to free me from my viking curse and get me into viking heaven is if you tell him that he hurt my feelings. I'll make sure to do that. Sixth things sixth, I'll leave you the deed to my home if you can fulfill this quest and you can live here all alone, but the house is cursed so you might be better off selling it. Ok.

Awkward 8 by crabby 2-14-06

Have you come to collect the money for giving my son a kidney? Am I the haitian you seek? I am prepared to give you the money, if I am the haitian you seek. I'm not sure. I sold sperm to a guy though. IMPOTENT? MY SON IS IMPOTENT? You have brought shame to me by telling me this and I shall put a haitian curse on you. You shall live the rest of your life cursed with a fish hand. You might not understand, but this is a very insulting thing in haitian culture. The fish is a sign of poor penmanship. Ok.

Awkward 9 by crabby 2-14-06

My astral form remains in the physical realm which leads me to believe that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain. How do you explain your treachery? Well, I sort of got turned into a freak by an angry haitian. You are a selfish selfish child and I've sold you to an old snooker buddy of mine. Before you report to him, I'd like to ask that you visit my daughters grave and say a prayer first. Ok. I really respect the time that we spent together. You were like a son to me and I shall salute your brothers when I get to viking heaven. Thank you for all that you have done. Take my lucky flask. Ok.

Awkward 10 by crabby 2-14-06

Prayer. Prayer. I need to learn to masterbate with this fish hand. STAT!

Awkward 11 by crabby 2-14-06

So, you've come crawling back to me huh? I don't know about all that. You look different than when you left. More mature. Older, wiser, filled with brawn. I have a fish for a hand now. Did you think of me while you were gone? No.

Awkward 12 by crabby 2-14-06

So, how do you masterbate with that fish hand? At first, I was fucking the fish up the ass, but then it started to smell cause the fish was filled with cum. So, I've just been using the other hand ever since. Is there any cum left in the fish for me? Actually, I stopped by a lake on the way over here and sort of did my best to clean it out. It was really smelling bad and I wasn't comfortable facing you with a cum filled fish hand.

Awkward 13 by crabby 2-14-06

Can I just touch the fish? I'd really rather you didn't, I'm not comfortable with you touching me at all. I find you to be really creepy ever since mom died and I think it might have brought out the closet homosexual in you. I JUST LOVE MY SON OK! Since we lost your mother, you're all I have left. I'm sorry dad, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I think I know a way you can make it up to me, but it involves doing something you may not be comfortable with. I really think it would help me cope with your mothers death though. Fine...Lets just get it over with.

Awkward 14 by crabby 2-14-06

I want you to know that this means alot to me son. I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk. I just want to get this over with. You're working it to fast, if you don't slow down you're going to finish before I will. ... Great, I'm still flaccid and you cum all over the place. Now I'm going to have to get on my hands and knees and lick it all up while I pleasure myself. Do you have any idea how degrading that is? I have an idea.

Awkward 15 by crabby 2-14-06

Son, I know I reacted harshly to what happened last night, but I want you to know that I still love you very much and I really appreciate what you did for me. Dad, you've humiliated me more than you could ever imagine. Tonight once you fall asleep, I'm going to sneak into your room, steal your belt and hang myself with it. Well, maybe I just won't go to sleep then. How bout them apples? You've got to sleep eventually. So do you. Touche.

Awkward 16 by crabby 2-14-06

After all that you came straight to me for help? Actually, I waited him out. We sat around watching old Hanna Barbera cartoons together and drinking coco. Eventually I fell asleep and he hung himself. Did he leave a note? He said he was sorry for the hurt he caused me and that he never meant it. He said he was also blind and that I shouldn't worry because he never actually saw me touch myself. It was oddly comforting. Maybe we can sell the note on eBAY. Make a few bucks and pay for a proper burial. I really don't think we can do that.

Awkward 17 by crabby 2-14-06

Nobody is bidding on the suicide note. We're going to have to pay for the burial out of our own pockets. I'd rather not. We could donate his body to science. Maybe they could use his skeleton in classrooms or something?Do they even do that anymore?I remember we had one in my classroom one year and I stole the right arm. Ok. Maybe if we include the right arm and if I sign it then we can sell it on eBAY. I really don't think we can do that.

Awkward 18 by crabby 2-14-06

The autographed arm sold for 75 bucks. You'd be surprised how many peoples lives were truly touched by dorf. Lets just cremate him. The bastard deserves to burn anyway. You know what, your father may have done some awful things to you, but he always loved you. I wish my father would have loved me that way. You're my brother, we had the same father. Did he ever touch you? I wish. I used to beg him, I'd sneak into his bed late at night and suck him off, but he would never return the favor. Eventually I just quit and left to work in the steel mills. Yeah, ummmm....Lets just cremate him.

Awkward 19 by crabby 2-14-06

Did you want to split dads ashes? I think we should sprinkle them somewhere. I really don't want any of him around me at all. Well, if you don't mind I'd like to keep my half. I'm gonna take it and put the ashes in a balloon and put the balloon and stick dad up my ass. In death we'll finally have the realtionship I wanted. Ok. So where are you gonna sprinkle his ashes? I haven't decided yet.

Awkward 20 by crabby 2-14-06

Well dad, I guess thats it. Your ashes are gone and you're finally completely out of my life. I love you dad. I love you too son. I just got a chill.

Fan-friggin-tastic

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The following statement its true. The previous statement is false

funny as hell and unpredictable. makes me want to continue to think about crabby when i masturbate

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what if nigger meant kite

Crabby, I have one thing to say:

You are a sick little monkey, but we love you anyway.

No, I dont think about you when I touch myself...

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I will rate you hard, and unendingly.

Crabby you are fucking BRILLIANT

That was weird, wild stuff that I enjoyed reading even more than I enjoyed attempting to assassinate Chuck Woolery last year. In return, I offer the only thing of value that I possess.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.