I need some place to dump my stuff. Feel free to dump your own at your leisure.

Good Fences Make Good Lovers by crabby 7-24-06

Howdy neighbor. Well hello Stan. I see you've decided to keep the fence up. I thought we agreed last Fall that this summer we would finally tear the fence down. I just enjoy nowing that a fence is here. Good fences make good neighbors. A good neighbor is one who truly trusts his neighbor and realizes that your yeards are better together, rather than apart. Look, I just like the voyeuristic aspects of watching you from behind a fence. I'm also not comfortable with you watching me masterbate. I'm comfortable with you watching me.

A Brief Trip Through the Fabrics of a Day by crabby 7-24-06

Now I know there was a reason I drove back from work to come home. I know I came home to get something, but I can't remember what. Nail clippers!

Do Squirrels Attack? by crabby 7-24-06

I'll give you one if you just leave me be. Look, I don't want rabies or anything, I'll give you two. FINE TAKE THEM ALL!!!!!!

Innocent Snail by crabby 7-24-06

You are the one who killed my first born. I shall avenge the love of my life. Who you also killed, along with my first born. I loved my firstborn as well, but by love of my life, I meant my wife. I love my other kids too. I didn't say that I did. You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?

Robot Friend by crabby 7-24-06

I am your personal robo friend. Your parents purchased me on June 29th and programmed me to be your best friend. I said I wanted a PSP. I know what you wanted and I stole one from one of the other children down the street. I've done everything you've always wanted. Everything huh? If that's true let's go check my parents room. Both dead, just like you've always dreamed. Gnarly.

innocent snail was funny and the squirrel one almost was

---
what if nigger meant kite

i liked robot friend.
i miss the word 'gnarly'.

---
Kill Whitey.

I'm just gonna start dumping all my stuff here in one convient thread ala sebra.

My Friend, the Crab by crabby 7-25-06

Hey buddy, I just got accepted to Northwestern. I'm gonna major in dentistry just like I've always dreamed. I just got a rejection letter from UNLV. Don't even worry about it. Just hit up community college for a couple of years and then reapply everywhere with some kick ass grades and maybe you can get into a local state school. I've already got a pretty good job working at the lumber yard. Yeah, maybe take some time off to work and then reevaluate your situation and perhaps school will seem more appealing to you. I think I'm gonna take like two weeks off work just to chill.

My Friend, the Crab 2 by crabby 7-25-06

Hey buddy, I haven't seen you in like 5 years. I'm just about done with my degree. I've also been working at a practice, the owner is looking for someone to inherit his company. I'm making like 12.50 an hour and I got this sweet car and shit. I'm also dating this puerto rican girl. Sounds like everything is going good for you. Sounds like lots of partying. I'm glad everything's going good. Yeah, it's great, I got my own place and everything. Why don't you come over and we'll get high and shit like old times. I really think I'm gonna pass on that one. I don't smoke the wacky taffy anymore.

My Friend, the Crab 3 by crabby 7-25-06

Hey buddy. I own my own practice now. I haven't seen you in like 8 years. Wow, I own my own practice now. My career is really taking off. I'm standing on this street corner begging for money or begging people to let me come do work on their homes. That's great, I'm married with two kids. Are you still dating that Latina? I'm actually looking for someone to reshingle my roof. Maybe you can come over and give me a quote, are you any good? Did you just slam a nail into your head? No.

My Friend, the Crab 4 by crabby 7-25-06

Hey buddy, I just bought this school and I was gonna tear it down and build a new home for myself. Are you working here as a teacher, cause if you are you will be heavily compensated. I'm the fucking janitor man. Yeah, we don't have to give them anything, they aren't part of the union. YOU RUINED MY LIFE MAN! Sorry buddy, look, I won't buy the school ok. I should probably move somewhre nicer. I think I'll hit up Cuba. Property around there is really popular right now.

My Friend, the Crab 5 by crabby 7-25-06

Hey buddy, I just came back to town cause my mother just died. What are you up too? What's with the trashcan? I live here man. After you left the school open I ended up molesting some "underage" girls. They said they were seniors, but they were only freshman. Sound's shitty. So now you live in a dumpster. Yeah, that's right. Well...Sorry to hear that. At least my mom is still alive.

that is so close to the story of my life that its creepy.

except my friend is a platypus.

---
Kill Whitey.

I like a good crab series.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

I wish I had crabs.

---
It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

Booze + Time Travel = I win two in a row by crabby 7-27-06

I just got in on the fax wire that former basketball star, "Sir" Charles Barkley has switched political parties. The former wildman on the court made what many thought might have been a wildman move. Charles went on to join the republican party. Now, after completely being out of the news for years. He has decided to become a democrat and run for govenor in 2010. I need beer and a time machine. I must find out how this story ends.

Booze + Time Travel = I win two in a row by crabby 7-27-06

In the year 2014... Govenor Charles announces he will run for president in 2016! It says here that the "wildly popular Sir Charles" has announced that he will slam dunk the white house. How could these people elect Charles Barkley? He is a complete fat moron. Oh my god! How FAT HAVE YOU PEOPLE GOTTEN!!!! I must continue further to find out what happens.

Booze + Time Travel = I win two in a row by crabby 7-27-06

2067.... It says here that the now "KING UNIVERSE" Sir Charles Barkley plans to invade his next solar system. Apparently he somehow took over the earth and created a suit that gives him immortality and turned the solar system into a giant moving space ship. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.

Booze + Time Travel = I win two in a row by crabby 7-27-06

It says that the now "IMMORTAL Sir Charles Barkley" has eaten his first 7 sons fearing that they would turn out to be children of Shaq, sent by their father to kill him.

Booze + Time Travel = I win two in a row by crabby 7-27-06

I really don't know.

Booze + Time Travel = I win two in a row by crabby 7-27-06

Back in present day.... Hey buddy! MY TIME MACHINE WORKED! I just got back from the future and I know everything that is going to happen with charles Barkley up to the year 2076. Well, he should be dead before then... FUCK YOU MAN HE TAKES OVER THE FUCKING UNIVERSE AND EATS SHAQS BABIES! It wasn't much different though, they still had paper newspapers. I would have that it'd all be on computers and paper would be a thing of the past by then. Never underestimate the power of holding one's writing in your hands my child.

Breakfast by crabby 7-28-06

When I was driving home from your house I saw a bum sleeping in a playground in front of a school. EEEEEEK! That doesn't sound good. I don't know he seemed pretty comfortable, it was probably the best sleep he's had in weeks. Yeah, it's just sad though. They should do something about that. Yeah, I'd like to see the government try to do something to bring down the level of homelessness in this country. I was gonna say just arrest the bum.

Lunch by crabby 7-28-06

Sup, you gonna eat a Tv dinner? Yeah. Are you just gonna drink water for lunch? Yeah, I'm fucking broke til next check. You just got paid. What could you possibly have spent your entire pay check on? People who are extorting me, Gas, a jump rope, a new book, some donuts, a milk chug, a t-shirt off the internet, daycare bills. I got 12 bucks to last me until next check and I'm gonna drink water. They don't pay you very much do they?

Midnight Snack by crabby 7-28-06

This is rediculous. How many message boards to I have to troll until something interesting happens? FUCK! MY raviolli's are cold. I should have eaten them sooner. I could reheat them, but I don't wanna miss anything online.

After by crabby 8-05-06

**DING DONG** Should I answer that. **DING DONG** What if it's a bill collector? What if it's my ex wife? What if it's one of my children who want to come live with me? What if there's a pregnant teen on the doorstep who needs help? **KNOCK KNOCK** HOLY SHIT! They are now knocking. They must mean buisness.

Winter by crabby 8-05-06

Ummm....sorry to bother you at this hour mister, but I really need help. It's 2PM. If you are pregnant or your wife is pregnant or your girlfriend is pregnant or if you are just an ugly girl, I can't help you. Umm..Actually mister I'm looking to make a few bucks to go out and buy crack and was wondering if you would be interested in buying my bike. Do you love it with all your heart? Will selling it slowly eat away at your soul and be something you regret for the rest of your life? Ummmm...Sure. I'll take it!

Must by crabby 8-05-06

Now that I own this bike, I have no idea what to do with it. I guess I'll just keep it in the basement. Damn. Fuck that kid, he shouldn't have been knocking on my door all day. Fuck him.

Come by crabby 8-05-06

Many moons over my hammy later.... Welcome to Denny's how many will be in your party? You don't remember me motherfucker? You might remember my bike. I bought a bike from a young child many years ago. That's me motherfucker. I want my bike back. No...I bought it from a young kid. I used to be young motherfucker. Before you robbed me of my childhood. I'm gonna kill you motherfucker. Be looking over your shoulder, you will die. MOTHERFUCKER YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!

Spring by crabby 8-05-06

Look kid....I'm going to train to be a ninja and hunt YOU down and kill YOU. You're the dead one. I'm going to saw the handle bars off your bike into a sword and kill you with it. This guy really wants to ruin my life. Many ninja training sessions later... I'm not sure if this is the kid. I remember him having black hair, but I googled his name and found out he worked at this rock quarry and now I must kill him. I hope this isn't the old man who bought my bike to ruin my life and then vowed to train to become a ninja to kill me. Excuse me young man, but did I ever tell you that I was going to train to be a ninja in order to kill you one day? No.

I infused these with fear.

Baked Potato by crabby 10-16-06

Hey, remember that girl we went to high school with, the puerto rican with the big tits? Christina? No, the one who wasn't pregnant. Zenaida? Yeah, I found her on Myspace. That's kinda creepy.

Baked Potato by crabby 10-16-06

This girl from high school requested to be a friend and as I was going through their list, I found the puerto rican girl. What an amazing coincidence. Not really, I only know people within a two mile radius of my house. They all know eachother. Why do you always have to talk shit.... So does this girl still have big tits?

Baked Potato by crabby 10-16-06

So yeah, her tits are huge. Did she wind up with 4 kids like everyone else from back in the day? Nope, no kids and she works as a secretary at a bank or something, she's got her own apartment and everything. I'm impressed. Yeah, but her boyfriend died a few months back and she got a really ghetto tattoo of them kissing on her back across her shoulder blades and it says Zenaida & Botchy 4 EVA. I knew there had to be a catch.

David Hockburg by crabby 11-22-06

Today I rolled my credit debt into a second mortgage on my condo and I feel great about it! Mortage prices ARE TAX DEDUCTABLE! 1 week later..... 6 months later.... Can I borrow your shotgun to shoot myself in the head because all this debt has driven me to suicide. Sure.

SHOWDOWN by crabby 12-18-01

Yo G I'm fucking sick and tired of these punk asses rolling up in our hood. We should do something about that shit homey! Bitch ass crackers come over here talking all their shit. Let them come up in here with their bullshit! Yo G you should go face that hood man to man! Hell yeah I no where he be to! I'm gonna go confront his ass right now his crew ain't shit!

Wheel Chair Man by crabby 11-22-06

The other day while I was driving to work, I saw a guy on a motorized wheel chair driving down the street. I hate that shit. 2 weeks later.... Today I was driving to work and the guy in the wheel chair was actually pulled over by the cops. I hope they haul his ass to jail. 2 months later.... I saw that wheel chair guy again. This time he was begging for change, he claims the cops that pulled him over pricked him with an aids infected needle so I gave him some spare change.

Real Talk by crabby 11-22-06

Let's just put it this way, we're both in a plane crash and we're the only two survivors, after we eat every other corpse, which of us gets to eat the other one. Well, I would imagine that the healthier of the two of us would eat the weaker one. Let's say I broke my ribs and was unable to truly defend myself in a fistfight. Would you try to stay alive with me by feeding me small portions of yourself, perhaps your fingers or toes? No. I definetly wouldn't do that. You're a weirdo.

LYNYRD SKYNYRD by crabby 10-04-01

SWEET HOME ALABAMA