Let's take a look back...

CFG253 1 by crabby 1-21-04

Can you believe we both got pregnant at the same time? I know! I know! Remember back in high school how we always said we'd get pregnant at the same time? Yeah, we've always been best friends. The worst part is now that we're pregnant we can't party like we used to. What? What if I have a boy and you have a girl and they end up getting married. No! Even better what if I have a boy and you have a girl and they end up getting married!

CFG253 2 by crabby 1-21-04

Oh my god! I'm going into labor right now! So am I. We better get to the hospital. 2 weeks later........ I had a boy! I had a girl! Lets force them to play together for the rest of their lives.

CFG253 3 by crabby 1-21-04

Damn baby, you looking good. I can't believe my mother makes me play with you. Maybe some day after we learn to walk we could meet up in a sand box for a play date. I'm sure my mother will force me to play in the sand box with you. So is that a yes good looking? You just shat yourself didn't you?

CFG253 4 by crabby 1-21-04

Like my new sweatshirt Ambrosia? No, I hate it Rufus. Don't you hate how our mom's both gave us these weird hipster names? You were named after her dog. I was named after my aunt Lavina. So wanna go over and throw eggs at cars? No.

CFG253 5 by crabby 1-21-04

Look, I've been trying to get into your pants since I was a toddler. I just got my license wanna go out or something? Sure why not. I was thinking maybe we could go join the Nazi party or something? Ok, we're done here.

Copied from cocktail napkin the night of 2-1-04 1 by crabby 2-02-04

For as long as I can remember my family has ruled it's people truthfully and elequently. Love is our chief export and the royal family dishes it out at will. We have never had any complaints from the islanders. Then out of nowhere these missionaries come in armed with pheasant dinners. They persuade the islanders with their stories. The royal family is losing control. Islanders are taking the love they auotmate in our factories and converting it into remorse and hording it out of the country. I must face one of these missionaries

 

Copied from cocktail napkin the night of 2-1-04 2 by crabby 2-02-04

Excuse me but your appearance on our island has caused the islanders to lose faith in the royal court. They have begun looting our love supplies and leaving the islands with it. I request a meeting with your court. We need the love deposits to fill our tankers with to travel to other lands. The only way we can leave is by taking your love so we can travel away. I will take you to the royal court.

 

Copied from cocktail napkin the night of 2-1-04 3 by crabby 2-02-04

So, basically, what you are saying is that you will leave once you have the necessary love you need to power your vessel? I will take you by your word. I will need full control over the royal court. I must appoint my own missionaries so that these matters can be handled as fast as possible. The royal court is yours, do as you must to leave quickly. Son, if you accept the cultures of others and take a chance by helping them you will be rewarded in the heavens. Father you are the reason this country has prospered. The islanders all love you.

 

Copied from cocktail napkin the night of 2-1-04 4 by crabby 2-02-04

You have...destroyed my country. I must ask that you give control of the royal court back to me. We have gone to war with your neighbors. We have used up all your supplies of love. We have appointed your son the head of our prison system. Father it pains me to have lock you up. However the missionaries fear that you will rattle up the islanders. Son this country needs me. Under the control of the missionaries our country has been destroyed. He is dead. I have hung his flaming carcass out for the islanders to know. They will know fear. Now that the love supply has been destroyed. I leave the country to you. You were loyal to us in your time of need. You must rule the way your father never could.

 

Copied from cocktail napkin the night of 2-1-04 5 by crabby 2-02-04

While under my rule I ended the war with our neighboring islands. Under the rules of my surrender our island is now being used as a port for the other islands to use as a warehouse of sorts. The storage space we provide has giving way to a new form of respect from the other islands. Together they banded enough money to rebuild our proud land and restore our love factories. While my father is dead my rule has lead to a greater triangle of friendship between the islands. Together we plan to invade the dutch and tear shit up.

Clown Town by crabby 3-31-04

Hey! Did you hear the Mayor of town is giving a huge speech! Yeah! I heard he's going to announce the new head of sanitation today! Maybe one of us will win the honor! That would make my day! As mayor of town I hereby name FUN as the new head of sanitation!

Grand Canyon by crabby 8-24-04

So, this is the grand Canyon......Does it do anything? I don't think it does. I think it's just a giant hole. Wheres the button to have the giant cock come down and fuck this jagged rock pussy? DUDE!!!!!!!!!

 

Niagra Falls by crabby 8-25-04

So, this is Niagra Falls......Does it do anything? I don't think it does. I think it's just a giant waterfall. This is like the world's biggest wettest pussy! DUDE!!!!!!!!!

 

Mount Rushmore by crabby 8-26-04

So, this is Mount Rushmore......Does it do anything? I don't think it does. I think it's just giant rock heads. This would kick alot more ass if it showed their giant rock cocks! DUDE!!!!!!!!!

! by crabby 4-01-04

Stacy, I just wanted to say good-bye! I'm really going to miss your friendship but I have to go down to my uncle's farm for college! WoW! The big city! What will you be studying! I'm going to major in playfulness! I hope to meet a nice man who will respect me and treat me as an equal! You're so lucky! My uncle owns no farm! I have no college to attend! I will pack you in my suitcase! Then you can learn all my classes while I attend! You're my best friend ever!

!! by crabby 4-01-04

Uncle Melvin! I have arrived and I am ready to begin my classes! I'm so alone on this farm! All I have in this world is this college and Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson! Other than that I am all alone! Will Kevin Richardson be teaching any of the classes I will be attending?! He teaches them all! We met during the Ireland leg of his 97 tour and we really hit it off! He loves farm colleges! I must confess, I brought my friend along in my suitcase! GOOD LORD! I must now marry her! She is marvelous! We will move to my Arizona summer home! I leave this farm to you! Don't feed Kevin Richardson after sundown!

!!! by crabby 4-01-04

Kevin Richardson I jus wanted to say hello! I inherited this farm from my uncle! yo. I can't feed you Kevin it's after sundown! word. I don't care if the sun is still over Thailand! Stop Kevin Richardson! You've penetrated my Thought Dome I can't take it! dance?

!!!! by crabby 4-01-04

Why would Kevin Richardson of BackStreet Boys fame do this to me?! He's gone straght to the inner workings of my mind to force me to feed him! But if I feed him that would go against everything I learned in my college teachings! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kevin Richardson is entering his own thoughts into my mind now! yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo!

!!!!! by crabby 4-01-04

Kevin Richardson you sent my body into complete shock! I was passed out for 83 hours! You stole all the money from the college and burned down the farm! yet I still love you! dope. So let us get married! This nightfall I shall feed you! mackdaddy? Oh no! Feeding you after nightfall causes you to turn into a norseman! MY HEART IS TRUE! OUR BOND IS STRONG! SO OUR DAYS WILL CARRY ON! THROUGH SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND DREAMLESS DREAMS!

The Chicka Zone by crabby 4-14-04

Imagine a woman. A woman with a date of birth. Once a year on the aniversary of this date of birth this woman enjoys celebrating her date of birth. Now imagine that a small internet community with which this woman is associated forgot this date of birth just one year ago. Then to get back at the community this woman won a contest and made the rule that everyone had to make a comic about her date of birth. Nobody could forget it now. Nobody.

The Chicka Zone 2 by crabby 4-14-04

May 10th Hey Nate know what today is? It's your Birthday my love! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I have a whole day planed, first we'll go to Arby's then we'll go out to a different Arby's! Mom I'm going to have to put you on speaker phone. I can't hear you over Nate singing Happy Birthday in the background. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIA!!!!!! I'VE CANCELLED MY CAVING EXPEDITION IN ATLANTIS TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH YOU! NATE CALLED AND GAVE US DIRECTIONS TO THE SECOND ARBY'S WE'LL SEE YOU THEN!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Wow. Everyone is really pumped. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

The Chicka Zone 3 by crabby 4-14-04

May 11th Holy shit I'm hung over. I didn't know Arby's sold mixed drinks. They do on your Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! My birthday was yesterday. Your birthday is a day which should be cherished, not just once a year but all year round. It is not just a day but an event. What are you talking about? HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

The Chicka Zone 4 by crabby 4-14-04

July 18th Nate, my water just broke we need to go to the hospital. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Ughhghghghhohohohoughhh Thats great Gia. Now keep pushing just like we practiced at your Birthday classes. Happy Birthday! So how does my baby boy look doctor? Turns out it's not a boy at all, but rather a Birthday cake! Congratulations Gia it has your frosting!

The Chicka Zone 5 by crabby 4-14-04

May 10th What an awful dream. I dreamt everyday was my birthday. Actually it wasn't but people wouldn't stop celebrating it. Then I gave birth to a cake. That was weird. God, that was such an anoying dream. Hey babe, Happy Birthday. Go fuck yourself.

Charcoal by crabby 5-28-04

Good day maddam, my name is Charles and I am here today to talk to you about the wonders of charcoal. Do you currently own any charcoal ma'am? No, I can't say that I do. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO COOK! HOLY SHIT YOUR HUSBAND WILL DIVORCE YOU IF YOU CAN'T COOK! People just don't appreciate charcoal as much as they should.

 

Charcoal! by crabby 5-28-04

Honey, bad news. It was another tough day at work. Didn't sell a single bag of charcoal. How was your day? I bought a great gas grill on Ebay for eleven dollars. Why? Why do you insist on breaking my heart? The public is naive about the wonders of charcoal now, but I will enlighten them! Charcoal is a dying industry. Theres not a person alive who wants to grill with a fossil fuel. Charcoal is made from trees. Now who's being naive?

 

Zoe vs. Penguin by crabby 6-30-04

What are you thinking about? I remember I once made love to an immigrant worker during the depression. John Steinbeck wrote a book about it. Thats amazing! Steinbeck wrote a book about my mother having an affair with an immigrant worker during the depression! Do you think maybe I'm your mother? No, I just think Steinbeck wasn't very creative.

Zoe vs. Penguin2 by crabby 6-30-04

Do you plan to thrash me with that whip? I do! In fact while you were uttering those words I hit you 47 times. Did you ever think that maybe I am also carrying a whip? I just hit you another 53 times. Holy shit! Internal bleeding. Thats another 73.

 

Gabe vs. Kaufman by crabby 10-15-04

Gabe, we've known eachother for awhile now. Can't we just find some sort of friendly way to end this? ROCK PAPER SCISSORS! No, perhaps if we list the good things about us we can decide. I have this cat, great hair, I'm punny and I'm the one running this event. I'm bald, I have a hot wife, a cute baby, I'm a total bad ass, I once built a fake vagina out of wood and your event sucks balls! Oh, did I mention the time John Cusack sat in my high school chemistry seat while filming High Fidelity?

A Tribute To Crabby 2004 by biped 1-31-09

Well, here we are in 2004. I'll be right back to show you to your table. Okay. I was in your diner today, and the waiter never came back. Yes, he thought it would be funny to just disappear.