CC85: Intro by fpd 12-07-01

There's this guy who's hurting business down here, and we would like you to help us out. With all the sodomites, blasphemers, and heretics over here, we knew you were the guys to ask. Jack T. Chick is his name, and he has written reams and loads of comics that are seducing the innocent away from our reach. You can help us out by writing a parody of a Jack Chick tract. Or you can just satirize his general style. It doesn't have to parody a particular tract. The important thing is fight Jack Chick with lampoons, satire, and parody.

Like the demon and Satan say, this contest is about parodying Jack Chick. There are already some really great parodies of Jack Chick online, and I would like to see more. If you post more than one strip, it should continue the same storyline. Generally, it will be hard to write a good parody without using multiple strips, since Chick tracts are longer than one strip in length. So plan to write lots of connected strips.

For examples of other Chick parodies, check out weirdcrap.com, and for the actual Chick tracts, check out chick.com. If you parody a particular tract, please mention which one. Since Chick occasionally changes the URLs to his tracts, be sure to mention it by name. And if you don't parody a particular tract, that's okay too.

If you agree with the theology in Chick tracts, you have probably already run away from stripcreator.com in horror, but just in case there are Chickites here anyway, another option is to just write your own tract. I think Jack Chick is funny, and maybe I won't know the difference from a real parody.

Although I used Satan and a demon in the cartoon, it was just for show. Unlike the fictional characters who introduced this contest, I'm not concerned with preserving Hell's good name. All I care about is that you somehow satirize, lampoon, or parody Jack Chick.

Since this contest may take a bit more work than usual, I'll let it run until Thursday evening.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

maybe not exactly following the rules, but...

CC85: Take my wives, please. by lara7 12-07-01

Yes? Hi, I'm from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We're just across the street from you. I'd like to talk to you about... Oh no you don't! I've read all about your so called religion in my Chick tracts. You believe terrible, blasphemous things! I'm not trying to convert you. I work at the church's day care center, and I wanted to talk to you about your habit of gardening in the nude. Oh. Any chance you're willing to do it more often?

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When they invent BookFace, I'm -there-.

CC 85: Write your own Chick Tract! by BigEvilDan 12-07-01

[Random mention of Jesus] [Over-the-top yelling at believer, because all sinners are stereotyping bastards] [Bible quotes, chosen at random] [Jokes at expense of believer] [Claim that accepting Jesus is the only way to salvation] [Statement that five minutes of random bible quotes have made him a believer, despite fact that lifetime of same has failed to do so]

CC 85: Write your own Chick Tract! by BigEvilDan 12-07-01

[Invitation to engage in homosexual activity/drugs/ roleplaying/selling Girl Scout cookies] [Consent to joining said activity, despite concerns that Christian fundamentalist friend said it was evil] [Relief that consent has been given, and revelation that character is Satan in disguise] [Engagement in said activity, followed by quick and accidental death] [Revelation to victim of true identity, and that victim has been fooled] [Lamentation that they were persuaded by Satan's shallow words, and desire that they had been swayed by Christian fundamentalist's shallow words]

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC 85: There are those who can't be saved... by BigEvilDan 12-07-01

RAAR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!! That would be a sin, Tobor. If you don't accept Jesus as your personal saviour, your soul will be sent to hell for eternity. TOBOR DOES NOT WANT THIS. TOBOR WILL ACCEPT JESUS AND SAVE HIS SOUL. Praise the Lord! Another soul is saved by your wo-- WAIT, TOBOR IS ROBOT! TOBOR NOT HAVE SOUL!! RAAR!! NICE TRY, BIBLE BOY!!!

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC85: Santa Claus vs. Jack T. Chick by fuzzyman 12-07-01

Ho! Ho! Ho! Gather 'round children while Santa tells you about the true meaning of Christmas! Christmas is about the spirit of giving! Not true! Christmas is about the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Santa Claus is just a pagan story! Ho! Ho! Ho! Who are you to say this? Jesus is nothing but a myth! You'd better worship me, or you'll burn in hell! Liar! I am Jack T. Chick and I rebuke you! Nothing will turn me from Jesus Christ! Later... You should have turned from Jesus Christ, Jack. Aiiiiiiiieeeeeee!!! The pain! The pain!

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

CC85: One of the Bible's Lesser-Known Lessons by wirthling 12-07-01

Stop there, young man! What are you doing?! Uh, I was about to go in here and steal some stuff from Bob. Through the front door?! No, no, no. Sneak in through the back door, hit Bob over the head with a bat, and tie him up first. Mark 3:27 "In fact, no one can enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man. Then he can rob his house." Thanks, dude! Good idea! You've made a believer outta me! Word.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

CC85: Chockfull o' Chick by wirthling 12-07-01

Well, Billy? I just thought the class should know that you teachers are all lying to us. Evolution is a myth and there is no proof to support it. Scientists ignore the truth. The evidence supports the Bible's account of the Flood, and there is proof that man and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. Darwin was wrong and you know it! That's an, um, interesting theory, Billy, but this is a Home Economics class. Did you do the sewing assignment or not? No.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

This is more of an anti-chick comic. Well, it works. I also want to say that if Spankling gives a damn, this is just supposed to be a gay guy (no offense intended)

Die Chick, Die by Kitty_Kat 12-07-01

Sir, I don't believe that what you are doing is holy. You think I give a shit. I'll play with myself whenever I want you bastard. If you continue to act unholy and do not accept Jesus as your savior, than your soul will burn in hell. Who in the fuck do you think you are?? I'll do whatever I want to and if Jesus doesn't like it than he can suck his pussy. I think you are going to be the one who burns in hell for taking my freedom I guess that nipple man, along with the rest of the world, was right. I'm burning in hell. Don't tell me you thought there was a heaven. I mean, who really believes in an almighy force. You deserve this fate.

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My life totally and completely REEKS.

Here's some gratuitous nonsense.

Dougan Tracts make witnessing easy by andydougan 12-07-01

Jim was a serial killer... That was fun! I just beheaded a bunch of babies and had tracheal sex with the corpses in front of their mothers! Better accept Jesus, then. He died for your sins. I'm convinced! Sob! Lord, I'm a sinner! I don't deserve your forgiveness, but give it to me anyway. Right, now back to the atrocities. God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever blah blah blah... That's it...scream for your God, bitch...it just makes me harder... Another soul saved!

Jack T. Physics by andydougan 12-07-01

So I says, "Well, them sinners ain't gonna get into Heaven by doin' good works!" Ha, ha! What the fuck are you talking about? (John 14:6) Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through me”. Oh, right.

Love the Jewish People by Bogart 12-07-01

o/' Onward Christian soldiers o/' Gimmy some cash, man. I'm short for my next "Maddog." Gosh... what to do? Jesus helped the poor, but your body is a temple, and god helps those who help themselves... Did I mention I'm Jewish? Why didn't you say so! Here's my wallet - the ATM pin # is 7734. That's right Christ-boy! Fork it over or suffer the wrath of a vengeful god! That Old Testament bi-polar mother fucker gonna come down on yer ass!

Chick's Tracts shortened to Three Panels by TheElPaso 12-08-01

Hey mister, you're drinking alcohol. In other words, you are enjoying. That is a sin. Repent, or die in hell. Yeah, right. Go fuck off, you shithead, before I shoot your ass down! OK, then, but I'll be laughing my head off when your burning in hell. Same to you, now get the fuck out of here. Around half a century later..... Ha ha! I hate "Mock the Damned" day.

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My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

And now one that isn't compressed to single comic size.

CC 85: A Simple Strip Site by BigEvilDan 12-08-01

What's up, Stan? That's a nice evil-looking goatee you're growing. Thanks Gabe. You should stop by my place later. I just got the Internet installed. The Internet? Isn't that a sinful place of pornographers and witches and role playing geeks? Not at all. I did a search for Jesus and it came up with some really interesting sites. Matthew 26:41: Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. stripcreator.com (logged in as: ILoveJesus) Wow, this is neat, AND holy.

CC 85: A Simple Strip Site by BigEvilDan 12-08-01

January... "This is such a shitty way to spend Easter" It's got Jesus, so it must be good. ...June... "RAAR, TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!" That's sinful, yet funny. ...December "So I says, 'Them loaves and fishes ain't gonna multiply themselves'." "TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE JESUS!!!" Ha, ha! What the fuck was the Bible talking about? Jesus was way cooler than it let on.

CC 85: A Simple Strip Site by BigEvilDan 12-08-01

Gabe, I'm getting worried about you. I think this stripcreator site is bringing you further from Jesus. Nonsense. It has a Jesus character, and it brings me closer to the Lord. Exodus 3:5: "Do not come any closer," God said. But Jesus doesn't swear and have oral sex. He's pure! Nonsense! You're just jealous. Come on. You added to your ILoveJesus handle with "because he's got a fine ass!" in your sig. Jealous.

CC 85: A Simple Strip Site by BigEvilDan 12-08-01

1 Samuel 21: "Look at the man! He is insane!" Come on Gabe. Come with me and get away from the computer for a bit. I suppose. I just finished a 30-part serial comic about time-traveling robots. Well Gabe, now that you're away from the influence of that infernal machine... OH MY GOD!!! There's a giant ball of fire in the sky! We're all going to die! Uh Gabe, that's the sun. How long has it been since you were outside? Gabe? Uh, are you having a heart attack? Urk...ack....

CC 85: A Simple Strip Site by BigEvilDan 12-08-01

Numbers 22:29: Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me!" Is this Heaven? Did that giant ball of fire really kill me? Uh, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, God is waiting for you. Wow, it really is God. And I get to spend all eternity with... ...Satan. Sorry Gabe, but you aren't on the list. Damn! That stripcreator site lured me into a life of sin! What a fool I've been, writing those blasphemous comics... No, the comics were funny. You just used the site continuously for a year, and never sent Brad a cent. Damn freeloaders.

[Click to view comic: ' CC 85: A Simple Strip Site- Save Yourself!']

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC 85: Chicklets by kaufman 12-08-01

Look at this. Nothing but damned souls. All of whom strayed from the straight and narrow of their various religions. But no fundamentalist Christians here. Were they more righteous, or something? Of course not. They just had the shepherding of Jack T. Chick to help them through the perils and pitfalls of this world. So if other religions picked up the Chick modus operandi? That's right. Salvation everywhere! And it's already begun! Let's take a look at what's circulating out there ...

Jakhtichickhu by kaufman 12-08-01

Hey, Srinivas, are you flaying that cow again? You know they are sacred. That's no way to achieve Nirvana. You will probably come back as a fly. I know. But I'd rather remain on this earth, even wallowing in deep shit, than be wed to Courtney Love and shooting myself in the head for all eternity. Please reconsider. This earthly cycle brings nothing but pain. You must escape. Sorry, Ram, I would love to chat, but I've got some Untouchables to tickle. His next life... Hot damn! I'm a ... ... firefly. AAAUUUGGGGHHH!

Chick-O-Lantern by kaufman 12-08-01

Are you trick-or-trating and letting godless materialism control you? Come to the pumpkin patch and await the arrival of the Great Pumpkin. No way. I want candy, candy, candy! Hooray! The Great Pumpkin came and left me 10 tons of candy, a brand new car, a Sony Playstation, and Eunice. I got a rock, a razor blade, an anthrax-tainted apple, another rock, and a temporary restraining order. Join us. We all have rocks!

Jack Cthick Tract (part 1) by kaufman 12-08-01

Hey Sam, what's new? I'm putting up a Nativity scene. Isn't it beautiful? My god! A cross! Perfect right angles! Have you strayed this far from the teachings of our Lord? Repent! Return to the teachings of truth. Or risk spending eternity blithering away insanely next to Lord Cthulhu in the undersea city of R'lyeh. blblblblbllblblbbbl!

Jack Cthick Tract (part 2) by kaufman 12-08-01

You are right. I see the errors of my ways! I shall repent. I'll strive to erase all Elder Signs. I will work to build a non-Euclidean world. I will show adults sights no human should see, and decapitate children in the names of Azathoth, Cthulhu, and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Sam lived a righteous life, and was justly rewarded. He was called to spend eternity blithering away insanely next to Lord Cthulhu in the undersea city of R'lyeh. blblblblbllblblbbbl!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

You magnificent bastard.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

The rules don't say we can't...

Sorry about the file size.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

clever, very clever.

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Dad was flammable

Far too much of a "Comic Book Villain" line there Kajun.

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

My little series...

CC85 - Get down and boogie with Chick (one) by DexX 12-09-01

Aahhhh, Friday at last. I'm going to enjoy this beer... Drinking alcohol is sinful. You're going to hell. What the fuck are you talking about? Oooh! Swearing! You're going to hell twice! Whatever... sheesh, I bet he's still a virgin... You say that like it's a bad thing!

CC85 - Get down and boogie with Chick (two) by DexX 12-09-01

Okay, let me get this straight... You think I am going to hell because I like to have a drink now and then? Yup, or and because you swear and fornicate. How could Heaven possible be any good without sex and alcohol? Actually, between you and me, I think I'll be rewarded for my celibacy and abstinence with an eternity of drunken orgies.

CC85 - Get down and boogie with Chick (three) by DexX 12-09-01

I don't know, sounds dodgy to me... Yes, the stupid and sinful often think that. I mean, I'm a generally good person. I give to plenty of charities, and I sort of believe in a God of some description... Not good enough. Right now, you're looking down the barrel of damnation, while I'm a shoe-in for Heaven... Fucking hell... obvious being an uptight wanker is not a sin... I heard that!

CC85 - Get down and boogie with Chick (four) by DexX 12-09-01

I'm confused. Could you clear this up for me? You say that faith in Christ is the absolute only way to be saved, right? Oh, good, I haven't been talking to a brick wall. Yes, that is correct. ...but you started this conversation by telling me that I am damned because of my drinking, swearing and fucking. Yeeess... your point? Well... if good acts won't get me into Heaven, why would bad acts keep me out? Let me check my notes...

CC85 - Get down and boogie with Chick (five) by DexX 12-09-01

Alright, Mr Born Again Wanker, explain this to me... If a lifetime of good acts with no faith in Jesus still leads to Hell, then why does Jack Chick tell us to behave? I'm sorry? I don't... A lifetime of service and going without is the same as a lifetime of rampant sin, according to you. Faith will save both, no faith will damn both. Well, if you put it... What the hell! Baptise me quick! I have to finish this last drink so I can go home and fuck my dog. Uh...

[Click to view comic: 'CC85 - Get down and boogie with Chick (six)']