All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
3-27-05

 

by evil_d
3-28-05
Did you remember to pick up the bug spray at the store?
Yeah, but the only can I could find says it has a "Country Fresh Scent".
Well, that sounds nice.
It's not nice, it's disturbing. Why is the manufacturer trying to encourage us to inhale fumes from a toxic chemical?
Soon, my love, soon... all the rest of them will be gone, and the entire world will be ours alone!
Who the hell are you?

 

by evil_d
4-04-05
Good evening, and welcome to the program. I'm Jack Danger. Tonight, Channel 3 News asks, "Are local public schools a safe place for our children?"
Are local public schools a safe place for our children?
Thank you and good night.

 

by evil_d
4-04-05
Good evening. I'm Jack Danger, and with me is my co-anchor Anita Token. Tonight, Channel 3 News remembers the life of Pope John Paul II.
John Paul II was a remarkable man, a very genuine person, who enjoyed athletic hobbies and spoke as many as eleven languages -- ten of which he learned suddenly after his election as Pope.
In office, John Paul was a benevolent pontiff, who promoted peace and reconciliation between religions, and was even able to forgive his own would-be assassin.
That's right, Jack. I can't remember the last time the world has lost so holy a figure.
Anita can't remember because the passing of Calcutta healer Mother Teresa in 1997 was eclipsed in the popular consciousness by the death of British paparazzi darling Princess Di five days earlier.
Front-runners among cultural icons whose deaths could eclipse the Pope's are comedian Mitch Hedburg and political football Terri Schiavo. Join us after the break for an analysis of their chances.

 

by evil_d
4-04-05
Even as the world mourns the passing of Pope John Paul II, one question is on everybody's mind: who will the next pope be?
Experts say that the Roman Catholic Church is in a position to name a leader with modern sensibilities, who could usher in a new age of tolerance on issues such as contraception and homosexuality.
Ha, ha!
Admit it; we had you going for a minute.

 

by evil_d
4-04-05
At George W. Bush's meeting with Pope John Paul II:
President Bush, I am very concerned about America's disregard for human rights.
Gotcha, Popey!
At the White House, after the Pope's death:
The world has lost a champion of human freedom.
In Heaven:
Damn it, he wasn't paying attention at all!
Let it go, JP.

 

by evil_d
4-05-05
In the final analysis, Pope John Paul II was a symbol of holiness, who provided moral guidance to many. I think I speak for all of us when I say that he will be sorely missed.
Oh... wait... this just in.
Apparently I'm not actually Catholic, so I never paid attention to anything the Pope said after all.
Words to remember, Jack.

 

by evil_d
4-05-05
Welcome to Chez Gothy's. Brooding or non-brooding?
Uh, non, I guess.
Clove-smoking or non-clove-smoking?
Non.
How about the lighting? We have "dim", "dark", and "black as the furthest depths of your tainted soul".
Just give me a table.

 

by evil_d
4-05-05
Welcome to Chez Gothy's. Table for one, I assume?
No, my girlfriend is meeting me here.
Oh, an agonizing break-up dinner, then. $5 extra gets you the jealousy service, where your waitress flirts with you, or the guilt trip, where we cause a scene and then throw her out. $9 for both.
No! Uh, that won't be necessary. I'm not here to break up with my girlfriend.
Look, buddy, I don't know what else you've got planned, but we don't allow it here.

 

by evil_d
4-06-05
Hello, and welcome to Unhappy Hour at Chez Gothy's. Absinthe is just 25 cents a glass, from five o'clock until we all kill ourselves.
Actually, I'm here for Bad Poetry Night?
Third door on the left. Don't expect any applause. Hello; welcome to Chez Gothy's. Table for one?
Could I just use your restroom?
There is no rest for the wicked. You may end the torment of a full bladder in our temporary respite-room, down the hall to your right.
Hey there, Floyd. Time for your regular unhealth inspection again. I trust all of your patrons are in the proper sickly condition?

 

by evil_d
4-11-05
I've started a new band. We're called "The Disease".
But you have no talent whatsoever at any musical instrument.
You think so, huh? Well, just you wait. One day, people will be saying, "The Disease is better than The Cure!"

 

by evil_d
4-11-05
Dude... nice Wolfwood costume.

 

by evil_d
4-21-05
In religious news: after a whole day of deliberation, the Catholic cardinals surprised nobody by selecting a conservative European man to be the Church's new leader.
The list of people of whom Pope Benedict XVI takes a dim view is long, and includes such groups as gays, women, non-Christians, and anyone who doesn't agree with him.
The election of Benedict XVI marks the end of the chain of events set in motion by the death of his predecessor, John Paul II.
That rustling noise you hear is the sound of most of the world's population turning their attention back to things that are actually relevant to their lives.

 
by evil_d, 4-22-05

 

by evil_d
4-22-05
Man, these new laptops they installed in our cruisers are great. Since I got one I've become 80% more efficient.
...at picking up 13-year-olds on IRC.

 

by evil_d
4-26-05
Well, Cindy, you and I are the last man and woman on earth. Now, I know you may not like it, but we have to reproduce to save the species.
Technically, we don't have to save the species. There's no moral imperative, I mean. The universe will be just fine without humanity -- or if it won't, so what?
Without us around to impose our own particular values, it hardly matters what happens to a meaningless void. So you see, there's no need for us to reproduce.
Damn it, are you telling me I wiped out the entire human race for nothing?

 

by evil_d
4-30-05
I can't believe George Lucas' cynical willingness to sell out his own creation. It's nothing anymore but a flimsy story to sell some toys.
When I was a kid, Star Wars was the coolest thing in the world. Now it's just B-grade, formulaic sci-fi that only a child could enjoy.
Wait... crap.
It's okay, man. We've all been there.

 

by evil_d
5-17-05
So what's the deal with the Sith Lords from Star Wars having names that sound like they're missing the prefix "In-"?
It's a subtle hint that lets people know how bad-ass they are. Darth Sidious wants you to think he's insidious, Darth Vader wants you to know he's an invader, and so on.
I guess that explains why we haven't seen Darth Competent or Darth Quisitive.
If I were a Sith Lord, I'd want to be Darth Corrigible.
I think you'd have to be Darth Sufferable.
Oh yeah? Well I hear you'd have to be Darth Cestuous.

 

by evil_d
6-05-05
It's tacky and unprofessional of George Lucas to put politics in his movies. Drawing parallels between Darth Vader and the president is the sort of divisiveness we don't need in times like these.
So let me get this straight: here's a character who doesn't believe in democracy, won't listen to his advisors, can't admit when he's wrong...
...seizes power unjustly, and solves his problems with force... and you want Lucas to portray him in a way that doesn't remind you of George W. Bush?
Sure, why not?

 

by evil_d
6-06-05
What was George Lucas thinking, giving the latest Star Wars movies such cheesy titles? "Attack of the Clones", "Revenge of the Sith"?
Does he want the titles of his films to remind people of bad movies like Attack of the 50-foot Woman or Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or... or....
Return of the Jedi.
Yeah, exactly! Wait, no....

 

by evil_d
6-06-05
Being dragged to a sci-fi convention? Got a first date with a Star Wars geek? Avoid potentially fatal faux pas with this guide to how you should feel about certain things in the movies.
Wookies are tall, lanky teddy bears that communicate in loud, dissonant groans. They are cool.
Ewoks are short, stout teddy bears that communicate in a high-pitched chatter. They are to be despised.
C-3PO is a bumbling droid who worries vocally about everything, holds his arms at awkward angles, and survives every adversity thanks to improbable good luck. He is cool.
Jar Jar Binks is a bumbling alien with a bad accent who is loyal to his friends, instrumental in saving his planet, and survives every adversity thanks to improbable good luck. He is uniformly hated.
Boba Fett is a masked bounty hunter who speaks little and is on screen for a total of maybe 20 minutes over the course of all six movies. He is the coolest character in the entire series.

 

by evil_d
6-14-05
Well shucks, Ashwatthama, this here's one great cook-out! Mighty fine of ya to invite me.
Thank you veddy much Mister Buck. I am glad you are enjoying it. Have you tried the lamb vindaloo?
Naw, I don't go fer that foreign stuff. I reckon as I'll just grab me a burger offa the grill.
I am veddy sorry but we are not serving hamburgers. The cow is a sacred animal to my people.
No hamburgers? No steaks? Now that just ain't natural! This means war!
Excuse me then while I go get my tomahawk.

 

by evil_d
8-02-05
Well, Sam, your qualifications are impressive, and I think we'd be happy to have you aboard. Is there anything else you'd like to know about our company, or us to know about you?
Well, I guess you should know that I'm a Satanist, and five times a day, we have to face towards Hell and utter a profane prayer in an ancient tongue.
Uh....
Ha! Ha! I'm just joking with you.
Heh heh, whew, you had me--
We don't have to face any particular direction.

 

by evil_d
8-02-05
Ah... ah... ACHOOOO!
May the Dark Master consume your soul.
Uh... I guess that's what you Satanists say when someone sneezes, huh?
Oh, you sneezed?

 

by evil_d
8-02-05
Coming to the company picnic on Saturday, Sam? Uh, if you're not doing anything, that is, I don't know if Saturday's your, uh, Sabbath or whatever, I mean, if you go to church. Do you? On Saturdays?
Actually I go to your church and piss in the holy water.
Also the wine.

 

by evil_d
8-02-05
So, Sam, does your religion require you to dye your hair that color, or what?
Yes. I dye it once a week using the blood of innocents.
Nah, I'm just kidding you. It's all natural.
By which I mean that I use my own blood.

 

by evil_d
8-02-05
So, Sam, I was wondering if you were still getting any other job offers... you know, just trying to plan--
You're not trying to get rid of me because of my religion, are you? Because that's discrimination, you know. Separation of church and state, and all that. You should read up on your democracy.
Oh, no, I support the separation of church and state very much.
Almost as much as I support the separation of me and you.

 

by evil_d
9-19-05
See Johnny Depp in Tim Burton's Corpse Bride!
I think I've read that fanfic.

 

by evil_d
9-19-05
I say, Vermont is absolutely lovely this time of year. Have you been?
Have I been? Certainly I've been. I was just yesterday. And I am today.
And I imagine I'll be tomorrow, unless you have any plans to the contrary.
Yes, I rather think I might.

 

by evil_d
9-30-05
Hello, what's your name?
Busta Rhymes.
And what do you do?
Busta Rhymes.
Is that the only thing you can say?
Busta Rhymes!

 

by evil_d
1-01-06
Now I'm
going to
Next episode: Find out how this sentence ends!
kick your

 

by evil_d
1-19-07
Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and R together.
Wait... what?
Also the number 2. It'd make text messaging a lot easier.

 

by evil_d
1-19-07
You won't stand a chance against the superior maneuverability of my flying-type Pokémon!  ZOOBAT!!  I CHOOSE YOU!
It just so happens that I also have a flying-type Pokémon!  WEEBATS!! 
Aren't you supposed to say "I choose you?"
Whee! Bats!

 

by evil_d
2-02-07
Just try to match this -- it's one of the rarest Pokémon of all!       SNAILPOKE!!       I CHOOSE YOU!
Okay, I will!       SNAILPOKE!!       I CHOOSE YOU!
I'm... going... to... knock... you... flat!
Not... if... I... see... you... coming!
So... want to get a soda while we wait?

 

Don't tell me... you forgot your wallet again?
I swear, I'd lose my head if it wasn't bolted on.
by evil_d, 2-02-07

 

by evil_d
9-15-08
o/`   Ridin' along in my automobile!   o/`
o/`   A freaky-looking, googly-eyed talking bear beside me at the wheel!   o/`
Hmm, all those qualifiers really ruin the meter.
You forgot "man-eating".

 

by evil_d
9-18-08
Get ready to face off against my savage water-type Pokémon from the murky depths!      CRABBUFFET!!      I CHOOSE YOU!
It'll have a natural weakness against my well-mannered butler-type Pokémon!     JEEVESACHU!!     I CHOOSE YOU!!
CRAAAAAAABBA CRABBA!
Oh my, seafood! How exquisite!
On the plus side, I feel like I've learned something important about the Pokémon ecosystem.
I thought the little wooden hammer was a nice touch.

 

by evil_d
9-25-08
When I first heard that Microsoft's "SYNC" lets your car connect to your cell phone and read your text messages aloud, I thought, "that's the dumbest idea ever."
Then I remembered that I grew up in the '80s, and that, in fact, having a car that talks to you is the coolest thing ever.
The only caveat is that they have to get the synthesizer to mimic the voice of William Daniels.
I don't like the look of this road you're taking, Michael.
Quickly, Michael! Use the turbo boost!
I'm just not sure how my girlfriend will react when I ask her to call me "Michael" in text messages.

 

by evil_d
9-26-08
I agree with all of the things that my opponent believes, and will do the same things about them, only differently, in some mysterious way.
Also, he doesn't really believe in those things, even though I just said he does.
What he said.
You guys are idiots.

 

by evil_d
9-26-08
I think that the lessons of Iraq are very clear, that you cannot have a failed strategy that will then cause you to lose a conflict.
Also, we're winning in Iraq.
Uh... huh.

 

by evil_d
9-29-08
So... what's in the box?
I don't think you're ready to see it.
Try me.
Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Whoa.

 

by evil_d
10-02-08
Wise one, what is the path that leads to enlightenment?
Of all things, partake only sparingly. Do not eat or drink to excess. Do not gamble nor spend time frivolously. Abstain from sex and lewd behavior.
Hmm. But isn't it your name on this Harry Potter/Naruto slash-fic I found on the internet?
I, uh, that is....
"Hermione's body trembled as Sasuke lustily caressed her thigh, then plunged headfirst into the uncharted depths of her..." you know, this is pretty awful stuff.
Writing classes are also to be partaken of sparingly.

 

by evil_d
10-02-08
Let me get this straight. On Halloween, you turn off all your lights and leave your house to avoid having to deal with children?
Lady, there are no circumstances under which I am willing to feed and entertain your kids for you, even in such small amounts.
You know, when YOU were young, I'll bet the people in your neighborhood all opened their doors to you on Halloween....
They did. And I enjoyed it very much!
But now that you're an adult, you're not willing to return that favor to the community.
I've been ostracized from the village that it takes to raise a child.

 

by evil_d
10-03-08
Joe Biden:
Barack Obama warned about the sub-prime mortgage crisis. Barack Obama did not vote to raise taxes. John McCain won't support a windfall profits tax. If John McCain were here, he'd acknowledge this.
Sarah Palin:
John McCain supports caps on carbon emissions. John McCain doesn't tell one thing to one group and something else to another. Barack Obama voted for energy plan that gave tax breaks to oil companies.
Me:
I sure am interested in what Barack Obama and John McCain think. That's why I watched THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE LAST WEEK!!!

 

by evil_d
10-03-08
It's going to be $200 for the night.
Oh? Let's find out.
...no, I'm afraid my scans show you're only worth $130 at most.
I hate technology.
Oh ho, what's this? Herpes? I'll expect at least a 50% discount.

 

by evil_d
10-03-08
So I had to make a delivery to this woman's house, and she had all these turkeys running around that she kept as pets. Turkeys! Those birds could feed a lot of hungry people.
Don't even get me started on the space it takes to house them. It's the same with any pet, really. Pets are just status symbols for rich people. All those resources could be put to better use.
First question: are you familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?
Why do people keep asking me that?

 

"Password too short"? You're not so tall yourself, buddy.
by evil_d, 10-04-08

 

by evil_d
10-05-08
So why do you guys always wear orange? Is there some kind of religious significance?
BLAM!
THIS WAY, FELLAS! WE GOT 'ER NOW! Oh, hey, Vithu, didn't see ya there. Me an' the boys are trackin' a deer! C'MON, I THINK SHE'S WOUNDED!
Question withdrawn.

 

by evil_d
10-06-08
TOAD!!
You suck at this.
It's my first day!

 

by evil_d
10-07-08
Hi, I need to put more minutes on my cell phone.
I'm afraid we're out of minutes right now.
"Out of minutes"? Are you for real? How is that even possible? What kind of business model would allow you to run out of something that doesn't have to be shipped and occupies no space?
I'd like to speak with your manager.
I'm sorry; we're also fresh out of accountability.

Showing page 10.

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