All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
1-01-02
... No, I'm sorry, we're really not interested.
Honey, who was that?
It sounded like an amoeba.
An amoeba? How could one of those little buggers call us?
It must have been using a cell phone.

 

by kaufman
1-01-02
so if x^n + y^n = z^n ... EUREKA!
I've proven Fermat's Last Theorem! Unfortunately, it's too much to fit into this comic. Wonder what to write instead?
Wirthling sucks!

 

by kaufman
1-01-02
Dear Spankling, This comic contest has me stumped. I can't even think of a strip with a palindromic title. Any suggestions?
Yeah, why not write a strip about a guy who likes small enemas?
Hah! That should screw him up even more.
CC 89: Colon 98 cc

 

by kaufman
1-01-02
LET THERE BE LIGHT!
We two yob rapped dapper boy owt.
Ew!
ON SECOND THOUGHT ...

 

by kaufman
1-02-02
What do you call
a Monty Python routine
that's the same
whether it's played
forward
or backwards?

 

by kaufman
1-02-02
Able was I ere I saw Waterloo.
Er, shouldn't it be "Able was I ere I saw Elba?" After all, we are ABBA, a palindromic group.
Yeah, but "Waterloo" was one of our big hits. I think I like it that way.
Madam, I'm Dancing Queen!

 

by kaufman
1-02-02
Hello, Olleh.
No, Ollie Hardy is the other short, fat, funny guy. I'm Lou Costello. But let me tell you, Bud and I think it's a real privilege to be playing at this international music festival.
We tew!
All these Greeks, Indians, Kenyans, Aussie acts, and of course you Swedes. I know you're the second musical act, and we come on while you're getting ready, but do any of you know ...
... Who's on first?
Sri Fonsohw!

 

by kaufman
1-02-02
I've done it! I've isolated the virus that will cause people to talk in garbled nonsense. I'll rule the world!
Just need to splice this bit of DNA ... and
Fo tib siht ecilps ot deen tsuj dlrow eht elur ll'i esnesnon delbrag ni klat ot elpoep esuac lliw taht suriv eht detalosi ev'i ti enod ev'i ...

 

by kaufman
1-03-02
You've got 7 beers left in your case; I'm down to 5.
Yeah, but I'm on my third case!
Thanks for the brick, Clango. Bet I can hit that van lefty-underhand!
Bad cop, no donut!

 

by kaufman
1-04-02
So Namgubed said this contest would close Friday, 12:21 AM GMT. Why no judgment yet?
Remember, he posts from the United States, where 12:21 AM GMT is the night before. So Friday's 12:21 AM GMT in the US is officially Saturday 12:21 AM GMT. Who's to say which is real?
Then there are two equally valid reference frames. Either this is a Schroedinger thing which won't take form until it is observed (sorry, Kitty) ...
Or both exist, and it will reach a cusp halfway inbetween at 12:21 PM GMT on Friday. Anyway, time should flow backward from there, creating a cosmic palindrome, equal on both sides.
Is this stuff we're talking real, or are we just seeing whose head explodes first, sort of like a quantum biscuit game?
Quiet! Look through that net connection. Happycakeman's going nucular! And don't forget the whole palindrome. TMG MA 12:21 AM GMT. The Mighty Gabe's mom is involved!

 

by kaufman
1-04-02
Ok, earthling, what are you doing here on our home planet?
I forget... Wait, that's silly, an elephant never forgets!
So? What are you doing here?
Hey, that reminds me, I forgot to take my pet squirrel with me. I hope he't all right!
Rar. Lerriuqs will acornhole you.
NO ONE TALKS TO DEATH THAT WAY, MORTAL. YOU'RE MINE!

 

by kaufman
1-06-02
Don't you think you overdid the frosting on this cake?
Shut up and blow out the candle.

 

by kaufman
1-07-02
Doctor, I find that I'm completely unable to enjoy sex.
I'm not surprised. I've looked at your charts, and you know how in "Deep Throat" Linda Lovelace's clitoris was lodged in her throat?
Uh huh?
Well, put it this way: If they made a movie about you, it would be called "Deep Pimp."
Excuse me, but my girlfriend says I've got to screw you.
Whadja talkin bout here now?

 

by kaufman
1-07-02
Now, now, professional courtesy!
Hey, man, you mind if I take them shoes? They'd look great hanging from the mirror of my Caddy!

 

by kaufman
1-07-02
R is for Ranch where this all takes place.
S is for Scowl painted onto my face.
T is for Turbines, assistance without.
U is for Unsure what you're talking about.

 

by kaufman
1-08-02
So I see this contest and instantly have this idea - run off the Asian girls and call it "Sloth".
But what do you know, it's already been posted!
Damn Brits wake up five hours earlier the sun rises first there they get to drive on the left spell things with a u and dance around the original stonehenge IT'S NO FAIR!

 

by kaufman
1-08-02
International Falls used to be the meteorological laughingstock of the world, but no longer! Today we celebrate 500 consecutive days of summertime weather!
Please be quiet, Mr. Mayor!
Why should I? Look at my tan! Our lutefisk harvest has shattered records. We are proud to announce a new ad campaign: Best weather in the free world!
But sir, surely you know the saying, pride goeth before the fall?
And here in Minnesota, fall is short, and inevitably precedes a nasty winter!

 

by kaufman
1-08-02
BRRRAAAAAP!

 

by kaufman
1-08-02
HOW DARE THOSE BITCHES MAKE ME CLEAN UP THEIR MESS! I'LL KILL THOSE CUNTS!
My stepsisters get the pretty dresses. They get to go to the ball. If only I could as well ...
No question, I am by far the most beautiful woman at the ball!
Thank God my coach has turned back into a pumpkin. I think I'll just eat the whole thing.
There's a slipper fitting at the castle? Naah, too much trouble to head over there.
Hey Charming, you're realm isn't big enough. Let's capture France.

 

by kaufman
1-09-02
Okay, class, who can explain to me one of the Seven Deadly Sins and why it's a sin? ... Chuck?
Wrath is a sin because Khan had it, and he was a bad man.

 

by kaufman
1-09-02
In the dorms of Stripcreator U...
Oh man, Spank, I'm worried about tomorrow's comprehensives. We need to pass to become stripcreator characters.
Come on, Skagg, it's a piece of cake. Ask me a few questions.
Who was Cleopatra? What do bears do in the winter? What permanently changed the US sugar industry in 1897? What's the Moroccan capital?
The African Queen ... The Big Sleep ... The Cane Mutiny ... Casablanca.
Hey, wait a minute, you're not Spankling! You're ....
Shhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

by kaufman
1-10-02
You've got to help me, Father. I am SO worried about my daughter and her spiritual development.
You are wise, my child, to have come to me for guidance. Please unburden yourself and tell me your child's troubles.
She's got a really low self image, is apathetic about everything, has no interest in her possessions or in boys, she's gone anorexic and OCD - she doesn't even sleep anymore!
Relax, my child. Your daughter's salvation is guaranteed.
Huh? It is?
Absolutely. I've never seen a mortal stray so far from the Seven Deadly Sins!

 

by kaufman
1-11-02
A word of advice, boorite: No matter how much Gabe pisses you off, DO NOT tell him, "Eat me!"

 

by kaufman
1-12-02
Hey gang, I don't need all that money. Here's my credit card number ...

 

by kaufman
1-12-02
Our asteroid terraforming efforts have resulted in huge genetically engineered anaerobic plants.
Time to fertilize, Sam. Bring that tractor over here!
Does this team have Alzheimer's or what? That's the third guy this week who forgot our puny escape velocity.
Shiiiiiiiiitttt!

 

by kaufman
1-13-02
You know, Bill, even I got a big chunk of that ineritance, enough to start Microsoft Of Hell, soon to be the new standard-bearer in buggy software. I'd like you to be our chief of operations here.
While flattered by your offer, Mr. Zebub, I don't think I could abide the working conditions here. Frankly, it's too hot and dry, not at all like Seattle.
Tell you what. Although it will be a slight demotion and pay cut for you, I'll make you director of Earthside Marketing. You'll spend eternity trumpeting Microsoft Of Hell to all passers-by.
That sounds swell. Believe it or not, you've got a deal!
Here's your first gig: Newark. One other thing. People will get suspicious if you have the same youthful looks for eons on end, so I've altered your appearance a bit. Now what are you promoting?
M.O.H!

 

by kaufman
1-14-02
Businesses are also affected.
WASH & WASH MILLENIUM WASH'S NEW EL LIMPIO GRANDE WASHER HOLDS A CUBIC FURLONG OF CLOTHES, ENOUGH FOR YOUR DIRTIEST LOAD!!!
What do you think, Honey? Shall we try it?
Sounds tempting. But where will we get that much detergent to run a load through there?
THERE'S A COSTCO RIGHT NEXT TO WASH & WASH MILLENIUM WASH.
Well, then, problem solved. El Limpio Grande, here we come!

 

by kaufman
1-14-02
So the limit of x times y ...
... as x goes to infinity and y goes to 0 is ...

 

by kaufman
1-15-02
Clinton ......................... Bush I
I did not have sexual relations with that pretzel.
Read my lips: No new pretzels!
Reagan .......................... Carter
I have no recollection about any pretzels.
I was talking to my daughter Amy about pretzel proliferation
Ford ................................ Nixon
Our top story tonight: President Ford tripped over a pretzel. Six Secret Service agents wrestled the pretzel to the ground.
I am not a pretzel!

 

by kaufman
1-15-02
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
It's the actress, Ms. Tomlin. She overdosed on tranquilizers. I fear she's now Lily of the Valium!
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
King Arthur just blew his brains out using an ancient Roman gun that fired 2.54 mm bullets. Ballistics confirm he used an X Caliber.
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
The great mathematician Pythagoras is dead! He jumped off a chair after putting his head through a hypote noose.

 

by kaufman
1-15-02
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
It's the Hapsburg heir. He jumped into a vat of bakery dough. Now I fear he's in bread!
Celebrity Suicide Pun Hot Line, what is your emergency?
Carly Simon slit her wrist, but I was able to suture it in time and tell that naughty blood vessel of hers, "You're sewn, vein!"
Hello, this is Santa Claus. I've got such post-holiday depression, I think I'll take a poison suppository.
Don't be ridiculous. Do you really want to be known as Arsenic Arse Nick?

 

by kaufman
1-16-02
Your beard makes you smell like a rank goon...
My Aunt Marsha told my Uncle Ray.
If you don't get it shaved real soon ...
I won't have a Mandalay.
BURMA SHAVE!

 

by kaufman
1-16-02
At last, a native of this island! I can use my keen logical skills and find my way out of here.
Excuse me, If I were to ask the wife of an elder of the other tribe which of these roads leads away from the Island of the Scantily Clad Swedish Bikini Models, which way would she say?
Hoko naka som qiinox. Zimbut gwomia nu gijjy wossam fru. Cree dix nuxum. Olohu!
Or wait - was I supposed to ask about the elder's SECOND wife?
Wouldn't have helped. It's open season on logicians in these parts for three more weeks..

 

by kaufman
1-16-02
What would have become
of our pal Osama
were he equipped
to be a mama?
BURQA
SLAVE!

 

by kaufman
1-17-02
Who does fate now toward me send? My goodness, Gabe, my old net.friend!
Hey Boo, do you know by any chance, that you're not wearing any pants?
If my lower protection were suddenly cut off, I know I'd be freezing my Billings butt off!
My secret is long, shaggy hair, that I've grown on my derrierre.
My furry bushy anal mat protects me like a Russian hat.
A Russian hat? That's warm, I say. I'll walk out nude, and feel like May.

 

by kaufman
1-17-02
TOBOR CAN'T CORNHOLE HIS FAVORITE BITCH.
ALL THAT BUTT HAIR MAKES TOBOR ITCH!
WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO PENETRATE THOSE BUNS!
THIS PRODUCT MAKES YOUR SKIN AS SMOOTH AS KAUFMAN'S PUNS!!!
NO REASON TO BE SAD AND WHINY,
TOBOR GET DEPILIATORY ON GABE'S HINEY!

 

by kaufman
1-17-02
Preview, Spell-check and/or Save?
I'll enter it, I hope they'll rave.
Hey DH, how'd you find my divine comedy?
Not too bad, but it could use more sodomy!
BURMA SHAVE!
moh.

 

by kaufman
1-17-02
Smeagol swam deep in the river, but moments before he laid eyes on the golden glint of the One Ring, something else caught his attention.
It is preciousss, it is oil! Smeagol rich beond his wildest dreamses.
But dark days lay ahead. OPEC was under attack and unable to reach consensus. Smeagol remained underground in the blackness of an oil well, and changed his name to Gollum.
Nasty Clintonses hurts usssss preciousss!
But happier times were ahead, and in 2001, he emerged.
Who has we gots in our pocketses!

 

by kaufman
1-17-02
Ladies and Gentlemen: Country Joe and the Fish!
Gimme a B!
B!
Gimme a U!
U!
You get the idea.
Gimme an R!
R!

 

by kaufman
1-17-02
One day at the ranch, my pardner's statin...'
I said them turbines ain't generatin'.
Rotors alone won't make gravitons.
I asked him what the fuck drugs he was on.
BURMA SHAVE.
WILLLLBURRR!

 

by kaufman
1-18-02
Testosterone is what makes a man go bald.
So the he-man look is a crown that's shiny.
You can be the Alpha Male on your street.
Just have no hair, not even one tress.
BURMA SHAVE.
CUT! You're all fired. Casting, get me some stegosaurs, triceratops, velociraptors, anything but these damned thesauruses!

 

by kaufman
1-20-02
Hello, and welcome to the surrealists club.
Thank you.
Aw, crap, third bulb to blow today. Hey, can somebody change that bulb?

 

by kaufman
1-20-02
It looks like you're sick and tired of cleaning up fallout, and would like to go to the big dance. How may I help?
Well, a talking paper clip can hardly help me. What I need is a fairy godmother.
Well, I can't get you one of those, but you can choose from among a fairy, a god, and your mother. Choose carefully!
Yeah, I'm a fairy, but not THAT kind. I'm a foot tall, and I fly through the air, so of course I'm a fairy. Pick me.
Which one will she choose? Tune in tomorrow!
You should choose me. I am, after all, omnipotent.
I may be dead, but I'm still your mother. Pick me!

 

by kaufman
1-21-02
Today on VH1 FANatic we have a big fan of that 60's duo, Zager and Evans. So, when do you think their fame will start subsiding?
Oh, I'd say "In the year 2525."
By the way, do you happen know the score of the Laker game?
Sure do, due to the mini-radio receiver "in the ear. 25-25" after one period.
Hmmmm ... Um ... next week, maybe we'll interview someone who follows a band with TWO hit songs.
Next week? You'll be lucky to do it "In the year 2525."

 

by kaufman
1-21-02
Following the success of stripcreator, I'd like to introduce you to an amazing advance in the field of medicine: pillcreator.com.
Brad's new project allows users to develop pills for any medical need. But don't listen to us; hear the testimonials from actual users!
I designed a pill to cure my acute tinnitis. Now I can listen to metal at 125 decibels clearly and without any ill effect.
Would you believe I used to be dreadfully allergic to cats? Thanks to a pill I developed on pillcreator, look at me now!
I made myself a fertility pill. Within hours, I was pregnant!
I made a massive aphrodesiac to drop in the Glasgow water supply, but I left the pill on the coffee table, and my maw thought it was a piece of candy...

 

by kaufman
1-22-02

 

by kaufman
1-22-02
My beard must go, the time is nigh. What can you do?
AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!
BURN A SHAVE!

 

by kaufman
1-22-02
It looks like you're writing a letter. Do you need any help?
RAAAR! NAGEEK WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
moh.

 

by kaufman
1-22-02
10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... LIFTOFF!
Houston, we have a problem! We'll need to abort the moon landing and jury-rig a way home.
We have splashdown.

 

by kaufman
1-23-02
Honey, the choral society is having a costume party this Friday.
Coming Soon: Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Fugueitive
I'll be Bach.

Showing page 11.

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