All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
11-09-02
Anyway, I guess I'll help you out. But if Russell Crowe's going to play me, who's going to play John Pienaar?
We had thought Huw Edwards, but legal issues have led Stripcreator to suspend indefinitely the lifeinhell category. Yes, really.
This did, of course, have to happen right when we're in the middle of a storyline involving the aforesaid Welsh Adonis.
So what are you going to do?
If only there were a way for him to change bodies...

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
Huw Edwards's body transplant
Hammer.
Hammer.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
Uh...anaesthesia.
Oh yeah.

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
The operation was a success! Now, hold on while I gather up the bits I couldn't fit in anywhere.
A success? Well, I guess that's subjective.
I just feel sorry for the retarded African child who now has to go through life looking like a beady-eyed one-eared rabbit.
Take these away. Make sure they're never found.
Although I'm not sure he got the worse end of the deal.

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
I hope Huw's operation goes smoothly. Else who will play John Pienaar in our planned reconstruction?
Hey, boss. I'm back from the hospital. What do you think?
Hmmm...oh well. Can't be helped. After all, body transplantation is still a young technology.
Now, remember. You're Huw Edwards, formerly in the body of John Pienaar, currently in the body of a mental defective, pretending to be John Pienaar in the body of Huw Edwards.
It's going to be one of those millennia.

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
This is terrible. I can't even look forwards properly. Remind me why this was the only available body?
Only a really poor person in desperate need of money or an imbecile would volunteer to be a body donor. This guy was both.
You, on the other hand, fulfill only one of those criteria, as you just did it on my say-so.
I hate everything.

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
How come you needed an operation, anyway? In comic 25579 you seemed able to switch on impulse.
Comic 25579 was cut. In between panels 2 and 3, we went into surgery.
Really? Is such underhand editing a regular thing?
Oh yes. Permit me to demonstrate.
What did you do that for?!
You can't prove shit.

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
Andy Dougan, filler of newspaper space, and Russell Crowe, filler of newspaper space, at the BBC
Hello, Russell. I'm here to help script this reconstruction.
So I was reading about you getting your arse soundly handed to you in a bar the other day. Not so hard without our entourage, are we?
In future you'd better stick to picking on weedy little wimps who can't fight back.
Exactly what I was just thinking.

 

by andydougan
11-16-02
Where's Huw Edwards? He's meant to be my co-star in this thing.
Hi.
DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO TALK TO ME?! WELL, DID I?!? NOW GO AND TELL HUW EDWARDS I'M NOT USED TO BEING KEPT WAITING!!!!!
I am Huw Edwards. I switched bodies with a moronic child.
Do you expect me to believe that?
So I hear you got beaten up?

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
So what exactly were the circumstances of your meeting with John Pienaar?
I was trying to get comic 40,000 on stripcreator.com. Didn't succeed, unfortunately, but John Pienaar was sent over to cover it.
Oh, yeah, I vaguely recall that. I remember wondering why that was newsworthy. To this day, I still don't know.
I think it was a vain attempt to make "funny comics".
Well, it was funnier than the jokes they crack in the Commons.
No it wasn't.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Okay, we're ready to start filming, except for one thing: we need someone to host the programme. Here he comes now.
Hello vote Labour everyone! Vote Labour it's vote Labour me, vote Labour David vote Labour Dimbleby!
Maybe it's time we got him fixed.
Seems to be working fine to me.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
And now, a special report with David Dimbleby.
What up. On October 21st 2001, uninspiring political journalist John Pienaar went missing. What follows is a reconstruction of the events leading to his disappearance.
This programme contains obscene language, graphic violence and deviant sex from the outset.
I always wanted to say that.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Where In The World Is John Pienaar? (12A): starring...
Huw EDWARDS as John Pienaar
Why do I have the feeling those words will haunt me til my dying day?
and Russell CROWE as Andy Dougan
A loveable geek! The Academy will be besotted! I hope my pecs look okay.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Hi. I'm Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times". I'd like a ticket for "Proof of Life", please.
To be honest with you, I'd give that one a miss.
What do you mean?
It's crap. You can tell the Evening Times you went to see it when you actually didn't, thereby saving you time and money.
Out of curiosity, how far back in time does this screenplay go?
Literally just minutes.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Hi. I'm Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times". I'd like to interview you about your latest "film", Mr Crowe.
Well, it's called "Proof of Life". I play this muscly guy who furrows his brow a lot.
This is the shittest piece of casting I've ever seen.
Yeah, pat yourself on the back.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Hoi, you! Get off your crucifix. I can't see the screen.
Crumbs! It's Jesus himself! I've done it now!
Is John Pienaar coming into this any time soon?
Who?

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
I'm here with legendary director, Stanley Kubrick.
So, Stan, what gave you the inspiration for "Eyes Wide Shut"?
Well, I liked the idea of people having sex a lot.

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Phew! I think I gave them the slip.
Confound it! It's the pigs! I'm cornered!
What say you and me go and discuss this script.
Wait, it's just getting to the exciting bit!

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Now, exactly how long will it be before you meet with John Pienaar in this film?
Six months, give or take.
You are aware of what this programme's supposed to be for, right?
A threadbare attempt to fulfill your "socially aware" remit which will justify your monopolistic licence for another year?
Well, yes, but...
Is it lunchtime yet?

 

by andydougan
11-19-02
Look, trim your script down a bit. It needs to fit into a half-hour slot. Six months of material is not on.
Bah. Censorship! Just what we'd expect of a state-controlled broadcaster.
This reasonable request hardly classifies as censorship.
For this I'm going to insert a single frame that says "Greg Dyke is a cunt", like Chris Morris did with that Channel 4 guy!
If you do that I'll boot your fucking balls.
Censorship!

 

by andydougan
11-26-02
Elsewhere
So you say you're called John Pienaar? I'm sure I've heard that name somewhere before...
Sometimes... sometimes I remember another life, long ago...I...I was on television, I think...
But now I writhe in my faeces in the darkness, praying death will suffer me to sip from its sweet, sweet chalice...
That's what my son does on a Saturday night.
He sounds like a pretty sad case.

 

by andydougan
11-26-02
Speaking of sons, I'm due to give birth to the bastard of a film star soon. When do you think we'll be getting out of here?
Out? Yes...of course...the world extends beyond these walls...
In my dreams, I remember the smell of the grass...the feel of the sun...how I squandered that freedom, that was so fleeting and precious...
This is less than encouraging.
...so very precious...

 

by andydougan
11-26-02
How have you survived for all this time?
I ate my own waste for a couple of months.
When it got too concentrated, I started on my fingers and toes.
This place is starting to give me the creeps.
Be quiet down there! I'm trying to sew babies together by the lips!

 

by andydougan
12-12-02
I hear the new Lord of the Rings film is called "The World Trade Center"! It's a disgrace!
...Right.
Haven't you got an essay to be getting on with?
Now, how do you write 69 in Roman numerals?

 

by andydougan
12-15-02
Andy Dougan, film critic, is writing a script for the BBC
Well? Have you taken out everything that's not relevant to John Pienaar's disappearance?
Yeah, but it's not much cop now. This John Pienaar isn't very interesting.
So to make up for that, I've embellished the language a bit. Here.
"Lo and be ye holden. Upon yon scene bideth John of Pienaar. John."
Is that the correct conjugation of "to bide"?

 

by andydougan
12-15-02
Huw Edwards in "Where In The World Is John Pienaar?"
Uh. "I, John Pienaar, am going to the Evening Times to cover Andy Dougan trying to get comic 40,000 on Stripcreator."
Er, don't you think the exposition should be a little more in-depth? How are the viewers going to know what these things are...?
Shut up and get on with it!
"Best Screenplay", here I come!

 

by andydougan
12-15-02
So, Andy, you're hoping to author the 40000th comic.
Yuh.
Could take a while.
Yuh.
Of course, I'm sure someone as intelligent, innovative and good-looking as you can achieve it.
The traits you list are unfortunately absent in Russell Crowe. Wait...

 

by andydougan
12-15-02
So. You want comic 40000.
Co-miiiiiiic for-ty THOU-sand.
I can't believe John Simpson gets to report on the war while I'm stuck here.
Well done! You really sounded like you *meant* that!

 

by andydougan
12-15-02
While we're waiting for comic 40000 to roll around, why don't we have nasal sex with each other?
Good idea.
*grunting*
I'm almost certain that never happened.
Yeah, I changed it. No one ever watches anything without a romantic sub-plot.

 

by andydougan
12-15-02
And that's a wrap! That was great, everyone. Let's do lunch. Dahling. Mwah.
When is this showing, so I know not to watch it?
It's going to be broadcast on Tuesday, then we'll open the lines for callers with information as to John Pienaar's whereabouts.
Fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to wash my nose and then throw darts at a picture of you.
I still think you should've left in the plane crash at the end. It was a pretty crucial bit, after all...
After September 11th? What sort of sicko do you take me for?

 

by andydougan
12-17-02
Mutilated with a machete/I fucked her dead body/The first and last/Your life's only romance/My knife's jammed in your ass/As you die you orgasm.
Thanks for watching "Fame Academy". God knows you've put yourself out.
That was the best show I've ever seen.
Next on BBC2 - a really badly-made documentary about missing political journalist, John Pienaar.
Ugh! Where's the remote?

 

by andydougan
12-17-02
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
John Pienaar is four feet tall with a moustache and was last seen sitting on a barstool. If you have any information, call us on 0132 882 1971.
Hmm...
Calls will cost 10p a minute. Please ask your parents before dialing.
Ach! A *minute*?

 

by andydougan
12-17-02
Hello?
Hi, is that the BBC? I saw your programme. I'm the man who kidnapped John Pienaar.
Look, Hague, I thought I told you to stop calling! If you're bored, I can easily find something for you to do!
No, no, I really am the kidnapper.
Though why you want this John Pienaar guy back eludes me. He's the most boring person who ever lived. After Jonathan Dimbleby.
IT'S THE KIDNAPPER!

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
John Pienaar's kidnapper is on the phone!
Okay, let me handle this.
Hello there. I'm a private investigator. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
The name's Ariel. SHITE.
...Ariel who?
Er...Ariel out of "The Tempest". Damn, but you're good.

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
Would it be possible for us to have a word with John Pienaar, just to prove you have him?
Okay.
Hi, this is John Pee-whatever-it-was. Naar.
No, I mean actually him, not you putting on his voice.
Sorry. He's in the cellar. I can't be arsed.

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
Anyway, enough beating around the bush. If you want to see John Pienaar alive again, leave £15 in the old hollow oak tree!
How do we know you won't kill him anyway, you twisted fiend?
Ho ho! You don't! But that's a risk you'll have to take! Bye! *click*
*Which* hollow oak tree?

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
Okay, here's how I'd like to do this. Could you provide me with a list of people who were in direct or indirect contact with John Pienaar prior to his disappearance?
What, everyone, ever? No fucking way!
No, obviously it would just cover the month or so before he went missing.
Hang on. Why do you want this list? Are you working for MI5?
Eh?! I just want to interview the last people who saw him, you nit!
Huh. Fine then. And I was just about to get you it, as well.

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
Heaven
Hey, Jesus. Long time no see. How's it hanging?
Quite busy, as it happens.
Give me the goss, grrl!
Well, you see, due to an error in the Gregorian calendar, it was commonly believed that the millennium began at the end of 1999. But...
Or the end of 2000, if you're one of those smarmy pedants.
Don't interrupt.

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
In actual fact, the new millennium only begins on 1 January, 2003. We're currently preparing for the birth of the anti-Christ.
Really? And then what?
Then I high-tail it to the plains of Megiddo, Israel, where the anti-Christ's troops will be assembling. Shit collides with fan.
If this anti-Christ isn't even born yet, he's not going to be much of an opponent.
So I thought. But God tells me pecs of steel run in his family.

 

by andydougan
12-21-02
Hey, Jesus. One thing I don't get about this whole Armageddon business: if you were born to a virgin...
...who's going to give birth to the anti-Christ?
Er...John? Don't look now, but I think my waters just broke.
Why am I having a sudden bout of deja vu?

 

by andydougan
12-25-02
In utero
That's it. I've been in this dump for nine months. Time for a change of scenery!
Let's see if I can prise my way out of here...

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
Questioning contacts of John Pienaar
Huw. Were you aware of anyone stalking John Pienaar?
First of all, I'd just like to say that I think it's an obscenity that the BBC are wasting public money on hiring criminally incompetent private investigators.
It came out of the budget for Jamie Oliver shows.
Then you're forgiven.
Anyway, can you think of any people bizarrely obsessed with JP?
Apart from the author of these strips?

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
The ruins of the Evening Times offices, Glasgow
You helped to clear away the wreckage. Tell me, were there any suspicious circumstances surrounding the building's destruction?
A terrorist crashed a hijacked jet into it. I suppose a cynic might call that a mite suspicious.
When did you first start to feel something was amiss?
Boy, I sure feel sorry for whoever's wasting their money on this imbecile!

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
How did you know John Pienaar, Mr Dicken Smith?
"Duncan". He interviewed me the day I won the Conservative leadership. Sigh. Them were the days.
Oh?
Yeah. Now even the Telegraph says the party's falling to bits, we've got uprising on the back and front benches...I wish I'd appreciated the honeymoon period more.
Honeymoon period? Didn't everyone say you were a goose-stepping white supremacist BNP-voter?
And it's all been downhill from there.

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
Roger Bollen, cartoonist behind "Animal Crackers"
So you were the one who ordered the terrorist attack of October 21st, 2001?
In person!
I'm investigating the disappearance of John Pienaar, a BBC journalist who was reportedly in the Evening Times building on that fateful day.
I don't know about him. I was just trying to shut down the newspaper. He was but collateral damage.
Okay, thanks for your help, Mr Bollen. Just one last thing, and I'm asking as a fan of your work - where do you get your ideas?
I steal them off "Suddenly Susan". And take out the funny bits.

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
Russell Crowe, star of "Virtuosity"
So did you know John Pienaar well?
Not really. In fact, even now I'm not sure who he is.
He's a reporter on the BBC News. You know, the propaganda vehicle that sometimes comes on between "Eastenders" episodes?
I only watch shows with me in them.

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
Andy Dougan, film critic to the stars
So you were the only survivor of the terrorist atrocity of October 21st?
Yeah, as chronicled in the recent BBC programme.
Hmm. The trail is going cold quickly.
Funny thing happened to me a while ago, though. This buried person in the graveyard started talking to me.
I don't think that can possibly be of the slightest relevance.
Just thought I'd bring it up. You haven't seen my mum anywhere, have you?

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
You say you buried John Pienaar's corpse here? Was he definitely dead?
I guess. I was just told to dump all the bits and pieces from the site in a mass grave: but I do recall seeing a charred limb matching his description.
Looks like the mystery of his disappearance is solved. Hooray! The pub at last!
Funny thing, though. After about a week, the grave had been opened and his carcass was missing.
Groan. Am I ever going to get a drink?
Oh, and it had been opened from the inside. Forgot to mention.

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
His grave was opened from the inside?
Would that be important?
Are you saying he was buried alive or what?
Ihunno. I didn't actually check his pulse or anything.
Where exactly are you employed as an undertaker?
Employed?

 

by andydougan
12-28-02
Welp, this one has me stumped.
Oh, wait. There was this old guy who used to hang around the graveyard masturbating on the tombstones.
Oh?
Yeah, we were a bit concerned he might progress onto actually exhuming bodies and violating them. I can give you his address if you like.
I suppose it can't hurt to pop in.
Okay, it's 3 Balfour Street, Jerusalem, Israel...

 

by andydougan
1-09-03
I think there's some kind of commotion in the victim pit. Maybe I should go and see what's up.
*crunch* *snap*
On the other hand, I'm having a good time sticking my finger up my urethra while watching this film of gerbils being crushed by platform shoes. Decisions, decisions...
Squeak!
Ah, well. I think it was Goethe who wrote "he who in shaky times wavers only increases the evil, but the person of firm decision fashions the universe".
Next on Channel 5: "The Dunblane Massacre: Unseen and Uncut". Oh, did I mention NewsCorp now owns this channel?

Showing page 12.

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