All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
5-03-04
Shortly...
"They'll never know the difference!" Great plan, Einstein!

 

by jes_lawson
5-04-04
May the Fourth be with you!

 

by jes_lawson
5-04-04
Mushroom Mushroom! Snaake! Snaake! Ooh! It's a snake!
Objection your honour! My client is being badgered by the prosecution.
Your Honour, my client would like to plead the 5th Element.
At the time of the alleged crime I was downloading illegal Mila Jojovitch porn!
We ask for leniency since this is my client's first traffic offence. He's got previous form for burglary and arson so this has gotta be a step in the right direction, right, your honour?

 

by jes_lawson
5-04-04
Int: The Riverbank, Edinburgh, Scotland
May the Forth be with you!

 

by jes_lawson
5-04-04
Tss!
Tss!
Tss!
Tss!
May the Four-Tss be with you!

 

by jes_lawson
5-04-04
Good luck in your final programming exam! May the Forth be with you!

 

by jes_lawson
5-11-04
MS Explorer
Futile Document search
404: Not Found.

 

by jes_lawson
5-13-04
Safety Donkey! Have you seen my La Fée anywhere?
I decanted it into that weird looking bottle you left on the worktop!
NOOO! That was a Klein Bottle you dick! Who knows what dimension my precious liquor could end up in?
Cut the Yellow Brick Road crap and tell me where the nearest Hertz Rental depot is.

 

by jes_lawson
5-13-04
Your avatar's very appropriate.
I quite like it. The eyes are very expressive.
Oh wow! You just did that eye movement that big-gabe2 does!
Sorry? What am I doing?
Hee hee hee!
Sigh...this is what happens when you mix 6 cups of coffee with 4 pints of real ale.

 

by jes_lawson
5-13-04
Why aren't you picking the kids up from school?
There's a nasty bug going around. I'd really rather not...
Afraid of a runny nose? Mother said you tried that crappy excuse on her as well. She was right about you, you no good...
Fine...fine...I'll go and get them...
She didn't believe me either.
What I tell you? The FUCK you backing out now! You bringin' Jake an' Ashley as collateral to the dice game now, dog!

 

by jes_lawson
5-13-04
It's ironic and annoying that I spent so much time learning QBasic for it to become obsolete.
If you can learn the common root concepts behind certain families of programming langauges, you can learn most of them.
So...if I can learn OOP, for example, I could learn C++ and Java?
Exactly. It's like...knowing Latin and so, being able to pick up French and Italian more quickly.
So what about Visual Basic?
URGH! PC Glaswegian! It's only good for writing lager drinking programs, starting resource conflicts and asking for 20p for the serial bus!

 

by jes_lawson
5-16-04
You wanted to see me Colonel? If this is about the dogging sessions on the firing range I can explain...
No, Bilko, it's about the unauthorised use of photographic equipment.
Sir, those kebab vendors and I were engaging in...
Shut it, Bilko! Despite everything you've done the country proud! Getting rid of Piers Morgan is better news than securing Basra was!
Having said that, you'll still face the firing squad. This is a time of war after all...
"Bilko joins the Queen's Lancashire Regiment" I've never seen this one before...

 

by jes_lawson
5-17-04
Earlier on #stripcreator
Shit, I have to phone this woman I hate soon. Someone cheer me up!
Okay, gimme a minute, I'm gonna check my laundry...
Ha Ha! Who's this?
Hi! I'm that woman you hate! I try and empathise about being pregnant while smelling extremely bad!

 

by jes_lawson
5-21-04
Excuse me, but we were wondering if you'd like to be the last man to die in Vietnam?
Okay, sure!
Uh...
That was a hell of a lot easier than you made out it was going to be.

 

by jes_lawson
5-21-04
Ready...Go!
J...K...L...M...N...
P...Q...R...STUV...WX...YZ...1...2...3....
The numbers are in capitals as well.

 

by jes_lawson
5-26-04
The little woman's only been away for a week, and I'm already having tons of erotic dreams...
My man! It's only natural you'll be as horny as a 4-balled Spaniard while she's gone!
I had a great one involving baby oil and these two cute little blondes, but last night, it was...
Wait, wait...I know you, man! It was a celebrity redhead! So was it Gillian Anderson, or Kirsten Dunst?
It...it was Shelley from ScaryGoRound.Com!
Cartoon wise, I'd have picked Jessica Rabbit, but count yourself lucky it wasn't Sarah Ferguson, lover boy.

 

by jes_lawson
5-26-04
*ZZZZZnnnrt*.... mmm....Shelley...you're so pixelated, and yet, so curvy....*zzz*...does John Allison draw you in a C cup, coz you feel like more of a D...
JES! Wake Up! What happened with that Amazon.com order you had to send back?
Red-headed Amazons? Oh, you mean the botched order from a month ago. Yeah, the correct replacement CD arrived today.
Let's review: It took a month for a response, you sent them back two perfectly good CDs at your own expense, with no refund?
Look, I got the MP3s, CD, and best of all, contacts in Ivytopia who'll return "special merchandise" next time they bollocks my order.

 

by jes_lawson
5-27-04
Stop the Iraq war! Let Blair know how you think! Meet with your M.P and demand action!
Hmm...
That smelly dude with bad feet was right! It's about time I complained to my Member of Parliament!
George, I want to make my disgust at this totally bullshit war known. I demand Action!
Action, Jackson! We gonna tear the roof off the mother, sucker, and drop Da Bomb on Chocolate City! If you hear any noise, it's just me and the boys, HIT ME! Ya gotta hit the band!

 

by jes_lawson
5-29-04
Hello Izzat, what's new?
My holy struggle against the infidel invaders will climax tomorrow, when I will martyr myself!
Your reward in Paradise will be great...but...what are you putting on?
My disguise. I'm taking a different approach to the concept of jihad...
Ha-ha! By the prophet's beard, Izzat, you know how to put the "fun" in "fundamentalist!"
I now pray that Allah will send me many squirt guns and flour bombs, that I may do his Will!

 

by jes_lawson
5-30-04
Captain's Log. Stardate: 25th....*nng!*... November...3rd...bathroom break!
I...should not have...ordered the...burritos at...Taco Bell...*gnn*...on...Starbase Mesa Grande Alpha...
Bones...Is that...you? Can you...get me some...*hnng*...*augh* Ex-Lax?
*sniff*...Dammit, Jim! You sure put the "Shat" in Shatner!

 

by jes_lawson
6-01-04
Either of these characters represents my dad pretty well
This one covers the beard and the weight pretty well
This one covers the size of trousers he now wears
The only thing preserving my painfully skinny grandad from the next world is the amount of alcohol in his bloodstream
Aren't you going to eat any more of your curry, Granddad?
Oh my no, that mouthful was enough. I think I'll just have another glass of wine. And maybe a whiskey. Ooh, could...could you make it a double?
Pirate radio MCs in the country have a long way to go.
Fugga fuggin' Dis, like! Fugga fuggin' dat, like! Are you fuggin' ready? I said...ARE YOU FUGGIN' READEEE?
Yeah, we're ready...now fuggin' bust something intelligible already!

 

by jes_lawson
6-02-04
24 hours is enough time for you to start speaking in your natural dialect
Arright thaur, lass, whas tha craíc wi ye?
OK, I understood most of those words, but that sentance didn't make any sense. Are you sure you can speak English?
There are better times to try and fix your brother's computer than at 5am, after you have split a bottle of vodka.
OK, jusht yank that green wire out there, I shink...
YEAAAGH!
"Home cooking" is as good as you remember it.
What the hell happened to you?
I ran into my old friend Sara Lee.

 

by jes_lawson
6-03-04
Don't leave yourself logged into Stripcreator 200 miles away, where your brother (and family) can see.
Any more observations on visiting the Old Country?
Oh shit. Log me out of that machine before Dad sees that other strip!

 

by jes_lawson
6-04-04
Hello, sir, what'll it be?
Salad. Lots of salad. With as much of those peppery tasting leaves as you can fit.
One extra large green salad
|° I'm a Roquette Ma-an! °|

 

by jes_lawson
6-06-04

 

by jes_lawson
6-07-04
LIVE
Sol Campbell, England centre-half, you claim in today's press that you know how to beat France on Sunday.
That's right, Gerald!
LIVE
The key to stopping Thierry Henry is the key to stopping France! And I've got it!
Meanwhile...
Zut Alors! Someone 'as nicked ze keys to my Clio! Ah will keel zat Ashley Cole!

 

by jes_lawson
6-07-04
10 a.m - 5:59 p.m.
Bah! All I do all day long is sit by myself and work with these bloody machines!
6 p.m.
Yes! Time to peel out of this Godless numpty houl' !
6:30p.m. - 1:30 a.m
Tycho you idiot! Gabe's distracting you from the radioactive scorpion by making a rhetorical point about LucasArts!

 

by jes_lawson
6-09-04
Now talking in #stripcreator
Jes, I have a secret. I have to tell someone.
Yes?
I...I am Pacman!
These days you can get treatment for your pill addiction.
I'd really rather get an exorcist.

 

by jes_lawson
6-09-04
Hey! mmyers just hit 1000 strips!
Yeah, I'm gonna experiment and copy his style.
I'm gonna call it : "University software consultant, VIP"
Donkey? You there?

 

by jes_lawson
6-10-04
10am
If I was a filing clerk, right now a Spanish speaking guy would be making a comment I could make a strip out of.
12pm
Yes indeed...
2pm
Any second now...

 

by jes_lawson
6-10-04
Yep...any minute now...
¡Ay! ¡Este software no es lleno de insectos, él es lleno de cangrejos!
Ha ha! Well what did you expect, Pablo? It's been hanging around with sailors for too long!
Employee! Are you examining your ocular receptor casings for micro-apertures?
Zzz...WHA? Sorry sir, I'll try and be unproductive less conspicuously.

 

by jes_lawson
6-11-04
Mark an X against the candidate you wish to vote for.
Is this a protest vote? Please tick either Yes or No.
If you ticked Yes in the above, please tick a reason:

1. Iraq

2. Europe

 

by jes_lawson
6-14-04
I'm going to have to give up on this series. Nothing funny ever goes on at my office.
What about the way the lead programmer falls asleep every day between 12pm and 2pm? That's pretty funny!
Gragh! Donkey, are you trying to deliberately...
...or the way your boss whistles "The Great Escape" theme and gets progressively flatter as he does it, every single day?
Donkey, blue-2 is also a very good approximation of an Irimi Nage. Shut your trap or you're glue.

 

by jes_lawson
6-15-04
Hey! What about the way your MD calls you "James"? Or your pay rise that took 10 months to arrive? Hey! That was funny!
....nnnNNNNYYYYAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHH!
Something tells me you're still a bit angry about that...

 

by jes_lawson
6-15-04
Jes! Guess what? Delilah has set a date for her wedding!
I KNOW! I told that bitch I never wanted to talk to her again and she STILL called to invite me!
So...I take it by that you're not going to go?
Let me use the last panel to try and explain the situation the way I see it...
Meanwhile, in an analogous situation in the 1860's...
Mr. Wilkes Booth? Abraham Lincoln here! Ha ha! North PWNS South, j00 l0s3r! Well gotta go, I'm at the Ford Theatre tonight, wearing my least bulletproof top hat!

 

by jes_lawson
6-22-04
Your test results are in! I have good news and bad news!
So what's the good news?
We're going to name a disease after you.

 

by jes_lawson
6-29-04

 

by jes_lawson
6-30-04
OK, so you've hit a stripping nadir. Haven't you spent days at seminars learning creative thinking techniques?
Yeah, all that "outside the box" crap. Tell you what, next panel, I'll pick a random prop and see if it sparks anything original.
Hmm...telephone. Let's see...Alexandar Graham Bell...vibrator phone...no, too crude...
OK, fuck creativity. I'm going to prank call the White House!

 

by jes_lawson
6-30-04
Hello, George? This is God!
God? But I just talked to you! What's wrong?
Uh...nothing! It's just...I have a new task for you!
Ooh! Ooh! Do you want me to invade Iran? Hot Dang!
No! ... uh... No. I have a message I want you to address the nation with.
Yes, sir. Hey, afterwards, can you tell me which civil liberty you want me to crack down on next?

 

by jes_lawson
6-30-04
Look...never mind all that. The message I want you to give...is this...
Yes?
"Kajun Firefly is a big fat gay"
What?
"In the Fullness of Time, shall ye understand." Thus spake The Lord your God.
Amen, Lord. Lemme just get Unca Dick and Auntie Condi to write the big words down...

 

by jes_lawson
7-02-04
Hello, I'm Butch Patrick.
AAAGH!
*sigh*...

 

by jes_lawson
7-02-04
Wow! County Clare is beautiful!
It certainly is, but we have to be back before nightfall or else...
Or else what?
Oh NO! We're too late!
AHA and Begorrah! It is me! The Leprechaun! Will ye be wantin' any overpriced souveniers? Ah ye do. Ye do ye do ye DO!
AAAGH!

 

by jes_lawson
7-05-04
Mwa ha ha! When I press 'Return', my Doomsday Discomboluator will be activated! And there's nothing you can do about it!
[ 0 1 ]_______________ [ 1 0 ]
AAAGH! Curse you, Captain Math!

 

by jes_lawson
7-05-04
Good morning. For the current Comic Competition, I will be elaborating on my Masters thesis - "Optimisation of Parallel Code using Genetic Algorithms"
In particular, I'll be elaborating on the algorithm used to generate the results.
I hope the next strips shed some light on what was a very novel approach to solving the problem.

 

by jes_lawson
7-05-04
OOK!
EEK!
AWK!

 

by jes_lawson
7-05-04
You call that an optimisation? Stop slacking and get back to work!
Any progress?
No, the monkeys figured out how to run Minesweeper on the Cray. I'm not even sure how that's possible!

 

by jes_lawson
7-06-04
O Sensei, how may I one day attain your mastery of aikido?
Ki, my son.
Ah! Ki! The Universal Energy that flows through all living...
No, my neophyte.
I mean KEY! We're locked out of the dojo.

 

by jes_lawson
7-08-04
What ever happened to all the monkeys that helped write your software?
Them? Oh, they got bored in academia and left.
Virgil went to work for the USAF, testing new "pilotless" "drones"
*grep!*
Bobo went into testing as well, but he didn't say what kind...
Yep...it's clean. Why am I checking these for explosives again?
The Man from Del Monte, he say Yes. To the wrong Columbians.

 

by jes_lawson
7-12-04
I'm trying to remember any langauges I learned at school. I can only remember German.
Ah, sure, that's no problem. They all speak English in France.
Dad, No! That's total...
And if they don't, you speak German and I'll point and shout in English.
Sure, we'll be fine.

 

by jes_lawson
7-12-04
Where's this wine warehouse we're going to, is it the one marked on this flyer map?
Aye. That one. I don't know where it is, but I'm going to drive around for a bit.
But...the map...
Sure, It's around here somewhere.
I don't know where I'm going, sure, so what good's a map?

Showing page 12.

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