All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
1-23-02
Kaufman!
Yes eye yam. And I spy da ho' who stole my last potato. Au, gratin luck that your starchenemy should happen upomme you, eh? Irish revenge!
This isn't your potato; it's a baby.
Listen, spud, to coin a fries, that's a latke bull. You'd better quayle in the face of my wrath. I'm going to mash your nose, chip your teeth, and tater your clothes.
Please, I don't care what you do. Shove the potato up my ass if you like. Just quit with the puns!!!
As you wish. Tuber will now cornhole you.

 

by kaufman
1-24-02
Whoops.
Premature ejaculation ...
... is punishable by decapitation.
Burma Shave.

 

by kaufman
1-25-02
Yoda about Anakin worried be. He years of teen entering, dark side slippage likely Obi Wan.
Relax, I've got it all under control. It's a well-disciplined training program. Nothing will go wrong.
Okay, you're pretty good with the light saber, but what if you and your worst enemy are alone in an empty room? What then?
That's easy. I use the Force to pull nails out of the walls and plunge them into my rival, pinning him to whatever's available, and then I vaporize his clothes. Like this.
HEY! YOU LET ME DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
Sorry, gotta run off to Andromeda for a moment. Catch you later!

 

by kaufman
1-25-02
This print is ready for post-production.
Prepare to meet your doom, young Anakin. My light saber is grinning with anticipation of fresh meat!
Remember, the CGI effects team will edit out the handler, so people will only see Miffy the Flying Cat.
Huh, who's that?
Eat hot fur, Sith scum!
Throw in a grateful Anakin, and the kids will love it! -- George.
Thanks, Miffy, you really are great. I think there's still some meat behind the neck there. C3PO, you can come out now.
mew.

 

by kaufman
1-28-02
*Sigh* Why do I have to be moving my house when there's a new What Are The Rules contest?
And to be off-line for ten days? How will I handle that? Ugh, my back is killing me.
Just a little farther, honey, you're almost there ... Ok, put the house right there.

 

by kaufman
1-28-02
Bullwinkle, what happened? You're pink, and your antlers are gone!
Well, Rocky, I went over to Enron to offer them my services as an executive, and got splattered in red ink.
But your antlers ...
So then I went next door to the laundromat, but instead it was an Arthur Andersen office, and they took one look at me and stuck them in the shredder.
Come on now, you don't really expect me to believe all that!
Go ahead and ask the Vice President. He'll deny everything.

 

by kaufman
1-28-02
Sucky sucky, only five dollah!
It looks like you want to see some blue movies. how can I be of assistance?
Why, hello, there!

 

by kaufman
1-28-02
If you have trouble with our products, please click here and let us know.
I'm running under such and such a configuration, and your product refuses to load on my machine. The error message it shows is ...
3 days later ...
[20 lines of header] We'll be happy to help you, but we need more info. Exactly what components do you have? Reply including this entire message [original message]
[that whole message with elaboration inserted in the relevant locations]
A few days later ...
We'll be happy to help you, but your message was blank. Please send it again. [entire original message without a single bit dropped]
FUCKING MORONS!

 

by kaufman
1-29-02
... I don't care. You just get tech support called, and get that thing fixed.
Sure thing, boss. I trust you don't mind if I get a damned soul to sit on hold for a few eons.
Yo, Stella, the boss needs you to make a call for him ...
A few eons later ...
Hello, Amana customer service, how can we help?
Yes, we have one of your icemakers, and it's just putting out warm water ...

 

by kaufman
1-29-02
Ah, nothing like being on line with a kitten in your lap.
Is that a Tobor in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
One more frame and this comic will be done, and ... NO, DON'T JUMP ON THE KEYBOARD!

 

by kaufman
1-29-02
Are we all ready to hunt some Microsoft tech reps?
Absolutely. Pull!
*Whoosh*
*Bang!* Oh shit, you didn't forget to load the dum-dum bullets, did you?

 

by kaufman
1-29-02
I really don't mind the bug report forum so much, except when bozos keep making the same complaint over and over again..
Where's the splat prop? ... What happened to the splat icon? ... I wanna use the splat in a comic ... Brad, where's the splat? ...
All fixed.

 

by kaufman
1-30-02
Here's the deal, son. You'll go down to earth born of a virgin.
Fine, but if it's all right with you, I'd like to select the virgin.
o/` zippidee doodah, zippidee eh. myohmyy what a rappdellyicious day!
*Sigh* I guess I'll go with that Mary woman.

 

by kaufman
1-30-02
I'm going to hammer a nail into my forehead, and hang from it whatever picture fits my mood. I'll have room to express myself.
You'll be as hip as a pelvis, Arthur -- you'll be one walking performance art museum!
Yeah, when I'm feeling contemplative, up goes the Mona Lisa; when I'm confused, Dali's wristwatch will show.
Well, here goes nothing .... OWWWWW!
I can see we'll be using that Munch painting seven days a week.

 

by kaufman
1-30-02
Hello, McDonald's tech support, how can I help you?
Yeah, I just went through the drive-through and got a Big Mac, but it has lettuce on it. I asked for no lettuce!
Okay, relax. I want you to remove the top bun, you see a piece of lettuce there? I want you to take it in your right hand and ....
*SKREEEEE-BANG!* *click*
It's pretty gruesome. Looks like he was holding a cell phone, a pencil, a piece of paper, a piece of lettuce, and half a sesame-seed bun.
Why can't they concentrate on the road?

 

by kaufman
1-30-02
EarthCo Tech Support, how may I help you?
Hi, my Honshu is getting a bit overpopulated. Could you do something about that?
AIIIIEEEEEE!!!!! GODZILLA!!!

 

by kaufman
2-01-02
A message from the President:
My fellow Americans, I'll be coming on the air Sunday during Super Bowl Ixixixvie to give you this message.
If you buy drugs, you're giving your money to the terrorists.
You're making it so evil people like Osama bin Laden and Iran's Saddam Hussein can fly planes into your nuclear reactor.
So don't do it, ok? And now a few words from Phillip the Fine Print Fish.
Weknowyou'lldodrugsanywayandthewaytocutofftheirmoneyislegalization OurpalsatPhillipMorriswhogaveus$$$objectthough IranisnotIraq Osamacan'tfly EnronwasClinton'sfault ElectionbySupremeCourtonly fnord

 

by kaufman
2-01-02
j00 R just so 1337!
You know, people used to think I was the geekiest of the geeks, living in my parents' rodent-infested basement, never kissed a girl, zero social skills, and all that.
But that all changed when I started to type in sans-serif Helvetica. Suddenly, I was the coolest of the cool, king of the net.community.
Now I'm not saying Helvetica will work for you, monitors vary after all, but try it -- you' may find out you're no longer a looser. Aw, come on, Ernie, shoo!

 

by kaufman
2-01-02
So I said, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha. Thats why we feed them a nutritious breakfast of Quarks every day.
That's right, Clem. Quarks can increase yer graviton production by over 310%.
But remember, nearby black holes and supernovas shore are likely to affect yer performance.
And now there's new Quarks for Cats, invented by none other than Dr. Schroedinger himself!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
2-01-02
I used to graze in Montana, and the nitrates in the soil gave the grass a bitter taste. One day it was gone. I'd crossed over into Alberta! Mmm, mmm good.
On my migratory routes, I dread the taste of Raritan swampwater, and long for the cool, clean St. Lawrence. Maybe New Jersey and Quebec aren't fully representative of their nations, but Canada rocks.
I read about that poor English goat that got screwed and said, why couldn't it be me? Then the SPCA might find me a nice home in Canada where the littered tin cans taste better.
My life changed when I crossed the Pacific on a Chinese freighter. Vancouver shit is like none in the old country!
I was penned up in Brisbane till they transferred me to the Toronto Zoo. Let me tell you, that soil there tasted so good, I ate a tunnel out to freedom, and am now freely rampaging over lower Ontario.
CANADA. It's what's for dinner.

 

by kaufman
2-01-02
Fly, my African pet! Swarm, sting and kill ... Hi, I'm Death. You know me, but you probably don't realize the benefits I bring to your community.
I'm the number one source of permanent pain relief, and the number one cure for overpopulation and famine.
I'm a satisfied customer. But if for some reason you're not, you can get your money and your life back, no questions asked (as long as you're Hindu or Buddhist).
Why, my services have been the top-selling gift to mimes for over thirty consecutive years. So why not try death? It won't kill you.
Well, actually, it will. But I liked the Death Club for Humans so much, I'm not just a client, I bought the farm!

 

by kaufman
2-01-02
Hello, Spot! Isn't he just the cutest! Spot is 9 years old today. That's 63 in people years, almost old enough to retire.
I used to worry about how my retirement savings were doing, but not since I invested it all in Enron. Now I know for certain the state of my investment down to the last penny.
ENRON. We take care of your money, so you won't have to. Ever.
* offer valid pending Congressional investigation.

 

by kaufman
2-02-02
6:00 AM, February 2, Punxatawny, PA
o/` I got you Babe ... That was Sonny and Cher. Good morning, it's GROUNDHOG DAY!
I hate this place. This is going to be a rotten day.
6:00 AM, February 2, Punxatawny, PA
o/` I got you Babe ... That was Sonny and Cher. Good morning, it's GROUNDHOG DAY!
I hate this place. I hate this day. And it keeps happening to me!
6:00 AM, February 3, Punxatawny, PA
I got you Babe
I LOVE this place!

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
He was supposed to meet me here. Where could he be?
That's the third time Bongo stood me up. How am I going to tell him that it was Bongo who stole his ear?
One in 75 people are stricken with multiple personality disorders, and it seriously affects the lives of five percent of them.
With proper treatment, though, they can live normal, productive lives. Won't you please help?

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
Eat hot lead, Ulysses!
Oh my god! They've shot President Grant!
Eat hot lead, Ulysses!
Huh? Look at that! There was a second gunman!

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
What's the problem, Bongo?
You've gotta help me, DexX. I was filming the Civil War reenactment, and they shot the president, but my film shows there was a second gunman. Look at the videotape.
Eeeeek!!!!
Whoops, I must have brought the wrong tape.
That's all right. Leave it running.

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
Bongo, before I die, I just want you to have this. It's all the secrets I've stolen from this town.
Die?
Yes, it's time to leave this mortal coil. Farewell, old friend!
Die?
Help! Help! Well, might as well read the... OHMYGOD...

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
asiangirls don't swallow ... cowboys flunked science ... feetforears has buttfornavel ... clown killed Obijo ... littlegirl runs crime syndicate...
kid wets bed ... jesus poisons ducks ... clango moonlights as a toaster ... maura has false teeth ... indypete wears maura's underwear ... tobor uses Viagra...
pants has a glass eye ... spigot has a paste-on beard ... deuce made a face at the dinner table when he was 7, and it stuck that way ... decepticons can't hold his liquor ...
...Manilow ... jael repairs disposals in her sleep ... brad writes buggy software ... descolada won't admit he's a successful lawyer ... wirthling sucks ...
gabe's mother writes his comics ... neovid wishes you a nice day ... spankling fears mice ... dan isn't big ... ladyj majored in conflict resolution ... kaufman's cat is stuffed ...
...splat contains Red Dye #2 ... zap is a sap ... tv gets poor channel 7 reception ... pc is a TRS-80 ... ashes contain asbestos ... and MIKE HIDES IN BONGO'S HOUSE!!!

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
Having heard his manifesto, the uncloaked townspeople pursue Bongo.
I see a hundred torches in the distance. They're coming to get me!
I wonder who will catch up with me first? Will it be Tobor or Toothgnip who gets my butt? Which comes first, the chicka or the elf?
They're getting closer ... Wait a minute, there was one name missing from that list ... It's ...

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
I thought I would find you here. Funny you're not out with the mob chasing me.
I wanted to, but my parents said it was past my bedtime.
Your parents, huh? how come I've never seen them?
Oh, believe me, you have. Matter of fact, they're ... Forget it! I've seen enough James Bond films to know the villain should never explain his whole operation to the hero.
But why? Why did you do all this?
I did it ... for KICKS!

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
I'm so sorry about that, Mr. Bongo. Are you all right?
Just a little clonk on the head, and ... hey! You're alive!
Yes, since birth, Holly has known me as her father. Her "mother" and I have been engaged in ...
Her mother????
... a sting operation.
And I'm allergic!

 

by kaufman
2-05-02
Beware of sticks bearing lists.
Don't count your kickin's until they catch.
Holly swells? That ends well.

 

by kaufman
2-06-02
Gnx4l glee9fng 2jr&le4 3nq Grey Poupon b7aen6hk?
But of course!

 

by kaufman
2-07-02
Hector? No. Marie? No. Schmendrick? Too ethnic. We've been all the way through the desert and I still can't think of a good name for our horse.
Never mind that, we've reached the location of the Crown Jewels. Of course we'd have been here months before had shit-for-brains not had the world's worst French accent.
3 days earlier ...
Did I ever tell you I don't really care for the taste of custard?
Shut up and keep digging. The treasure of a master thespian lies just a few parsecs below.
Why are we hunting and seeking the loot in this lemon-tinted saffron yellow pudding? I said it's in ze de-zert!
Don't look at me. I didn't tell you he didn't spell 'desert' with 2 esses. To make it easier, we should all talk French from now on.

 

by kaufman
2-08-02
Heh heh, israphael's Dreadful Truth About Stripcreator.com #4 was QUITE illuminating.
So raph's father is wirthling and spankling and ladyj and tobor an boori... waitaminute, where's kaufman? HE MUST BE IMPOT...
Hey, Bongo!
I think I'll make me some hasenpfeffer tonight!

 

by kaufman
2-08-02
Very pleased to meet you ... I think you make some of the breast comics around.
* Ugh! *
Dear Wirthling: Tonight I met ANOTHER dweeb who couldn't take his eyes off my tits. I WISH people would look me in the face when talking to me!
Please don't say that, LadyJ. I once had a problem with folks staring at my manboobs, and I wished the same thing. My wish came true!

 

by kaufman
2-09-02
So ... what did you do today?
The usual.
Why? Was today anything special?
FOOLS! YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN! IT'S KAUFMAN'S BIRTHDAY! GET OUT AND CELEBRATE IN PROPER FASHION!
That's right, kids. Hold cats, tell puns, play games. You only have 45 minutes left, get cranking!

 

by kaufman
2-09-02
On the 17th of March / We used to get so drunk / We'd throw up in the parking lot / Stink worse than a skunk ...
St. Patrick's Day was just an / Excuse to have green beer / Sobriety could not be found / Within miles of here!
I had another Guinness / Then Right before my eyes / St. Pat appered in boxer shorts / Hearts girding his thighs
He told us this was not how / To celebrate his day / "Remember it commemorates / How I drove the snakes away!"
If you see one around here / Put your lips around its head / Then suck out all its venom / Till it falls limp and dead.
My goodness I see a snake / Emerging from my pants / Now come on boys and kill it / And I'll do a happy dance.

 

by kaufman
2-11-02
Be vewwy quiet. Disguised as a kangawoo, I'ww kiww dat scwewy wabbit!
Hey, Doc, if the fourth week of April is National Secretaries' Week, what does that make all the other 51 weeks of the year?
Weww, dey would be National Non-Sequitawies' Weeks.
Right, and to remind you of the proper way to celebrate it, here are the non-sequitory donkeys!
Always wash with a warm, moist rag.
Remember, you can never use too many semicolons.

 

by kaufman
2-11-02
I've been waiting for tonight. I'll paint yellow and orange rings around my body, put on hula-hoops, and then go into a bathtub and see if I float.
Who dares to bastardize my holiday?
Huh?
I am Dionysus. What strange meaning today's youth give to my sacred Saturnalia.
Then again, that sounds like fun. Mind if I tag along?

 

by kaufman
2-12-02
Here lies Abby Normal. Heh. Her brain should be good for the doctor to use.
ABNORMAL. DO NOT USE BRAIN!
RAAAAAR!
LIFE! I HAVE CREATED LIFE!
But if you used some of your brain fluids to stabilize the monster, what did you get in exchange?
RAAAR! FRANKENSTEIN WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!

 

by kaufman
2-12-02
So anyway, this fuck guy made the feetforears character popular ...
His name is fuck?
Hey Bazilla, your fly is undone!
Yeah, he makes awful, misspelled misogynistic comics, but for some reason, they really have charm.
No accounting for taste. I like my shit the old-fashioned way.
Whoops. Thanks.
Simmering in the noontime sun and crawling with maggots?
Precisely. Hey, it's lunchtime. Care to fly off with me to that pasture over there?

 

by kaufman
2-12-02
Happy "Flames Go Here Leaks Into Comic Competitions Day"!

 

by kaufman
2-13-02
Hey, toothie, what do you call a religiously intolerant monkey?
I don't know. What do you call a religiously intolerant monkey?
Peter Torquemada.
Ha, Ha.
Did that come as a surprise to you?
Well, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

 

by kaufman
2-14-02
Wasn't he supposed to be back here a week ago? Let's go.
We can't.
Why not?
We're waiting for DexX.
Ah.

 

by kaufman
2-14-02
The figure skating judges from Russia, China, Poland, Ukraine and France learn their next assignments.
I'll be refereeing all of Team Canada's hockey games.
Zamboni fuel?
I get to be a ski mogul! I always wanted to own a slope.
My next job is luge catcher. *
I didn't realize biathlon had judges.
They don't. You'll be a target.

 

by kaufman
2-15-02
They've cloned a cat!
Sounds good, it's true.
Now the bad news:
They've cloned me too!
BURMA SHAVE
BURMA SHAVE

 

by kaufman
2-15-02
Picture yourself in this t-shirt
So I said, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha.
Or moving your mouse along this mousepad.
It looks like you're trying to move the cursor. How may I help?
Be the envy of all your friends while drinking from this fine coffee cup.
MORE CAFFEINE!
MORE CAFFEINE!

 

by kaufman
2-15-02
Stripcreator Republic
If you have the eyes of an eagle,
You'll see that this tender is legal.
............... 2/3 Comic ...............
So spend it or save it,
Or be cheap and crave it.

 

by kaufman
2-15-02
What do you think, Ted?
Actually, Jane, I think you're taking this "tomahawk chop" thing a bit too far.

Showing page 12.

« Previous Next »