All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Hey man, you don't happen to have any Kleenex on you by chance, do ya?
My wife might have some in her purse. Let me check. I'm holding it for her right now.
Give them my best regards.
Give who your best regards?
Your balls. I'm assuming your wife keeps those in her purse as well.

 

"I need your help in the kitchen to get something way up high. Are you listening?"
"the ball is spotted at the 30 and here comes the punt team..."
Uh, sure. I just didn't catch the last part.
"Way up high!"
"It's a fake! The punter keeps it and he's heading for the ..."
Got it!
So first you don't help me get the dishes down from the cabinet and now you make a comment on me being fat by putting lemon meringue on the bathroom scales!?
How the hell else was I supposed to "weigh a pie"?

 

And here is your new prescription.
Let me guess. There's a huge list of sexual side effects including but not limited to: erections that last more than four hours which lead to hypersexuality
causing orgies with multiple coeds and a skanky hooker found off the interstate and after having sex with said hooker will remind you of the many times
you were molested by that babysitter so you kill the hooker, chop her into pieces and leave her remains in a Denny's bathroom at three in the morning.
No. The side effects are just slight fatigue.
Whatever. Just write what I said on the prescription pad making it legible enough for my wife to read it and post date it for last Thursday.

 

Mommy, does God fart?
Of course not sweetie. God does not eat or digest food like we do so there would be no reason he would fart.
But Jesus ate food like we did.
I guess you're right. I suppose Jesus farted.
Whoa! Crack a window, son! And don't try blaming that on me. You and I both know better.

 

What's the difference between Manti Teo's girlfriend and Bill Clinton's girlfriend?
I don't know.
Clinton's girlfriend really was fucked!
Ha!
Hey! Enough of these Manti Teo jokes! Has everyone forgotten that a girl who never existed is dead?

 

So does your partner make you soar as he makes your asshole sore?
by four_legged_tripod, 1-18-13

 

______________________________________________________________________________
Places! Places! Quite on the set!
"Annnnnnnnnnd ACTION!"

 

December 1998
I just can't stand her anymore. She's annoying and her body odor is unbearable.
Steve, you only have two choices; tell her the truth or lie to her.
The truth? That would break her heart.
I know you'll do the right thing man.
"This just in, Wikipedia is reporting that Steve Burns from 'Blues Clues' has died of a heroin overdose..."
Nooooo! Why, Steve, why!?

 

Okay. Make it quick. We need to be in and out in 15 minutes.
If this alarm goes off, it won't matter.
So disable it so we can grab the cash and get out of here.
Hold up a second. Let me think. Red wire or blue wire. Red wire or blue wire. Red...
And the lights have mysteriously gone out again here at the Superdome.
That's right Boomer. Hopefully they'll be back up soon so we can get on with the 2nd half.

 

So I saw the new Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunter movie and turned my mother's place into a candy house. I'll charge admission and it comes with its own witch!
Sweet!
"Get a job!"
This is my new job mom! Get off my back!
"I was talking to the black guy!"

 

Wow, Mom, it sure is weird feeling my baby kick around inside of my wife. Was I that active when you were pregnant with me?
Oh, I'll say! You used to kick so hard, you'd knock the ashtray off my stomach!
Wait... you SMOKED while you were pregnant with me?
Your father and I both did. It was his ashtray you knocked off. He got so pissed he kicked you back!
Wait. Wha--
Where did you think the brain damage came from? I mean seriously, mutton chops? Come on!

 

You don't hear a lot from Danny DeVito these days.
Yeah, well maybe if my dick had ears, that'd be a different story.
That could be arranged.
How exactly?
Hey, it's me, Danny DeVito. Want to know what I've been up to?
If you are really going to keep rubbing your ears against my dick like that, you better be prepared to get an earful.

 

Back off man! She's not interested.
Don't cock block me dude!
I said go some place else. She's with me!
Don't twat swat me, bitch!

 

Hey. I'm Dr. Alex Torn. How are you liking the conference?
It's great. I'm Dr. Rob Heim by the way. Hey, we should open a sexual trauma clinic together.
But I don't specialize in sexual trauma. Why would you want to open a clinic with me?
Just for the name.
What name?
The "Heim -N- Torn Sexual Assault Center" of course.

 

Father, look! Woo Hoo!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph sister! Your pubic hair is shaped naturally into the form of a boot!
No, seriously.
That's how the shoe company Nunn Bush got its name.

 

Happy V.D., sweetie!
Aww. And happy Valentine's Day to you too. Soooooo...
What did ya get me?
Did you miss the "V.D." part?

 

Comic 550,041. You got something good planned?
Fuck yeah. It's gonna be epic.
Epic? 550,041 doesn't sound like it deserves anything really epic.
But I had all these plans. I even gave a roofie to Gilbert Gottfried to make sure he'd stay for the big musical number.
So now what?
I guess we go with plan B and shove a chicken up crabby's ass to make sure the fox doesn't get it.

 

I'm pleased to say you've got the job. However, if you ever come to work with a smelly cunt...
Hold on, I'm a dude!
I know.
Now if you'll stop interrupting me, I can continue with our "Don't Bring You Wife to Work" policy.

 

Let's see. There are the cranberries, raisins, where are they?
Can I help you find something?
I'm looking for dates.
Have you tried the bar across the street?

 

Okay. Got the email concept down and created. Electronic mail is here. Now to think of a name to call the junk email I'm sure will come.
All that tasteless, disgusting stuff that nobody wants but is forced upon us anyway, trying to convince us that we have small penises.
You about done? Lunch is ready.
What are we having?
Spam, needle dick.

 

Well if it isn't Bonnie Franklin. I hope you lived your life "One Day At a Time".
Ha ha, Peter. Very funny. Now let me in.
Um, we seem to have lost the keys to the Pearly Gates, but I do have someone who can help.
Please don't say it. Please don't say it. Please don't say...
Schneider!

 

I'd like to buy some transportation, please.
Go see Murry over at the Honda dealership.
I don't want a car. An animal will do just fine.
Then you need to go see King Arthur.
What is King Arthur doing in present day Saudi Arabia?
He's in charge of all the camel lots.

 

Hey! Who left my ear muffs in the kitchen?!
by four_legged_tripod, 3-12-13

 

Jesus, we need more wine for the party.
More wine? MORE WINE? I'LL GIVE YOU MORE WINE AND ALL OF THOSE DRUNKEN HEATHEN BASTARDS!
Looks like a confirmed case of 65 dead due to alcohol poisoning. Must have been some hella strong wine!

 

Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has just been named Pope Francis!
GOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!! Achieved!
by four_legged_tripod, 3-13-13

 

09/11/2001
As you can see here, black smoke is billowing out of the 1st tower of the trade center.
Dear God! A second plane has hit the 2nd tower of the trade center!
It's now official as we see the white smoke coming out of the 2nd tower that the terrorists have chosen a new pope.

 

Is your father Jewish?
Of course not. Why do you ask?
I gave him some German chocolate earlier...
And now he's all ashy.

 
So you weren't silent this time?
Nope. I was loud, long winded and just let it loose!
How come?
Mom said I should have a change of fart when it came to my dead father.

 

So you decided for spring break you would go see a movie in the theater where the Batman shootings happened?
Yep. I wasn't sure about it at first. I thought it might be disrespectful to the dead.
But you had a change of heart?
Yep. And I could feel the pain, torture and agony that the victims must have felt as I sat there in the theater.
Because their spirits still reside there?
No. Because they were showing a Nicholas Sparks flick.

 

I can't believe we're about to climb this mountain.
I know!
How big do you think this mountain is?
I'm not sure. Let me go ask.
Excuse me, Mr. Ranger. How big is it?
13 inches.

 

Hey you stupid cunt! What the hell do you think your problem is?!
Geez. What's up with Anders?
Foul mood I guess.
How come?
He just doesn't have a humerus bone in his body.

 

I found it to be moving and thought provoking.
I couldn't disagree more. It was boring and so drawn out. It went on for what seemed like forever. I couldn't even stay to watch the end.
Well I stayed and watched the whole thing. And the ending was breath taking.
Wait. They let you stay and watch?
"Let" me stay could be debated, but I loved every minute of it!
Eh, I give Roger Ebert's death two thumbs down.

 

Hello? Yeah, I can talk. Jan's just going down on me. No, I won't play cards with Ted. He's a blowhard. What? I said BLOW HARD!
Jim? I'm going to have to call you back. I have a rather large air bubble in my left testicle.

 

Okay kids, what's our goal for today's game?
To have fun!
And what does that mean?
We have no chance of winning!

 

Hey, look! A meteor!
Looks like a lot of cloudy days in the forecast.
by four_legged_tripod, 4-08-13

 

Did you hear that Roger Ebert died?
Yeah, like last week. You're a little late to the party.
I just had a hard time dealing with it, that's all.
Really?
Yeah. When I first heard the news, my jaw dropped.

 

Are you okay?
Just tired. I was up late last night finishing our taxes.
You always wait until the last minute. What's the matter with you?
I just got caught up watching all of the Boston terrorist coverage and trying to do all the taxes at the same time.
And now I'm so exhausted, it feels like I've just run a marathon.

 

I know I really don't talk about my feelings much, but I think there is a lot I need to say to you. I have been a jerk lately and I know it. I could say it's due to stress at work...
...but all of that is just an excuse. I see how much you do around the house and how you take care of our children and I know I don't tell you how I appreciate what...
...so what I'm really trying to say after all of this is quite simple. What I need to say is I lov--. Oh look at the time! I guess we can't go to your mother's tonight after all.

 

Forgive me father for I have sinned.
What have you done my child?
I ate a crucifix after dipping it in ranch.
Say seven Hail Marys my son.
What for?
Cross dressing.

 

Well son, your father and I really appreciate you letting us stay with you while we are in town.
Sure. So, are you leaving tonight or will you be back to stay here another night?
Why? Are you trying to get rid of us?
No.
I just want to know how soon I can wash your stink off the sheets.

 

Hi. I'm collecting shit for charity.
Sorry. I don't give a shit.
by four_legged_tripod, 4-29-13

 

Would you like to give blowjobs to orphans?
To tell the truth, I've been keeping blowjobs from my husband. He keeps asking me for blowjobs but I know he gets plenty of blowjobs at work.
Needless to say, I've felt guilty about it and feel like I really need to give blowjobs to anyone I can. So sure, I'd love to give blowjobs to all the orphans!
Did I mention I'm an orphan?

 
This is NOT what I meant when I said I needed more Peter!

 

Your parents are finally gone. We can now get back to some normalcy in our lives.
Did my mother say or complain about anything before she left?
She did say that the dog bit her.
Really?
Who's a good dog? You are. Yes you are a good dog.

 

Can I help you?
I'm collecting money to help stop domestic violence. Would you care to donate a dollar?
I'm sorry, but not today.
But it's only a dollar.
I know, but the answer is still no.
LISTEN LADY, IF YOU DON'T DONATE A DOLLAR TODAY, I WILL BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN! UNDERSTAND?

 

Where have you been? I haven't seen you around lately.
I went to Chris Kelly's funeral.
The rapper from Kris Kross?
Yeah. It was open casket but you could not see his face.
He died of a drug overdose. There was no reason they would have to cover his face.
They didn't. He was wearing his casket backwards.

 

Now that I'm the only person left on Earth, I'm so conflicted.
This is the first time in my life when there has not been a huge line just to get into a public bathroom...
but now, there's no one to go in with me.

 

Yo mama is so stupid
the only time she uses her iPad
is when she's menstrating.

 

Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel.
Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel. Stand and kneel.
I just had the weirdest dream that a priest was yelling our names at an old woman, Stan.
Neil, it was a bad dream. Now go back to sleep, lover.

 

Stand.
Sit.
Kneel.
*garble*

Showing page 14.

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