All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
3-07-02
Dr. Antic, tell us about your first experiments on human subjects.
Well, I tried injecting some DNA from the Family Circus Daddy into the cowboy character.
So I said, "Well, them kids ain't gonna generate dotted lines by themselves."
Ha, ha.
Unfortunately, I'd spilled some of Mr. Keane's DNA on myself, so when the cops asked who'd done that to the cowboy, all I could say was "Not me."

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
Then a further breakthrough:
A double transfusion!
All right. Now to build some snow-grenades and flamethrowers...
DNA from Calvin and Hobbes into kaufman and his cat ...

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
But we haven't yet talked about the one that really cemented your credentials for Mad Scientist of the Year.
You mean where I gave the fly character DNA from Spiderman and he wound up entangling and eating himself?
No, you know very well what I'm talking about. The time you injected genetic material from Cathy into ...
Oh. THAT one.
ACK! How can I possibly go out on a date tonight. My nails aren't perfect and this loincloth makes me look fat!

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
Yesterday on the Space Shuttle:
We've got a problem. Lt. Baker traded in the new Hubble Telescope lens for a ham sandwich.
If NASA finds out, we'll be toast. Let's just see what we have on board and install that.
Here we go ... all we've got is a ball of yarn and some Elmer's Glue.
It'll have to do. Go make the best lens you can, and put it on!
A few weeks later at JPL:
My god! That nebula looks like Carol Channing!

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
Can I use my 2nd wish to get myself a strong portfolio of investments buttressed by diversifications into gold, agricultural products, and Ethiopian real estate, while maintaining zero tax liability?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Shouldn't you transform into a cowboy before saying that?
Would you like me to?
How about if instead you transformed into a floating ethereal head?
How did you know my true shape?

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
Would it be profitable and ethical for me not to use my other two wishes, instead selling your lamp on the open market, and rolling over the profits into a set of high-yield speculative investments?
Are we talking derivatives, commodities, ponzi schemes, or overseas mutual funds now?
Do you have any recommendations? What sectors of the market do you think will rebound fastest?
What did you have in mind? And don't you think I should get a piece of the action for my lamp? What will be my cut of all this?
Have you heard of an investment called Enron? Have you heard how cheap shares are these days? How would you like to have the Vice President's ear on energy issues?
Don't you think it would be better if I gave him one of mine?

 

by kaufman
3-07-02
For my second wish, could you help me to balance my checkbook?
Didn't you notice that in recording Check #172, you needed to borrow a 1 from the hundreds column?
Does this mean I'm overdrawn? Can you help me?
Is that what you want? You want to be no longer overdrawn?
Are you sorry you didn't get to see the *ZAP* of transformation?
Did I also wish for this hammer?
Can't a guy give away freebies? Wasn't I correct in thinking you'd want one?

 

by kaufman
3-08-02
You won't believe what happened to me today. I started posting a new series to stripcreator, and after three comics, some guy told me it was getting redundant.
That's awful, Kramer, what did you do?
I started another series of comics, all nearly alike.
A new chance to be creative. I guess everything turned out okay then.
Meanwhile...
Boss, Operation Flaming Shaming Blaming Kraming Reframing has failed. He picked up and started yet another series.
A pox on all your mouses, Kramer, a pox on all of them!!! Just wait, my revenge is coming SOOOOOON!

 

by kaufman
3-08-02
Yuan to give me three wishes? Don't you rially have a yen to pesome attention to your own needs?
Haven't you considered that as pfennig as it sounds, I'm the genie, and euronly the wisher? Wouldn't it make more cents, be more soutable, for me to grant it to you?
Must I pound it into your head that you shouldn't be shekeled to this lifestyle? Why are you shilling for the wish-gods?
Why won't you mark my words that francly I don't care? Can't I find this a krugerand lifestyle?
Living in these ruble-filled quarters? Why not wish yourself diamonds and sapphires and rupees? Doesn't that sound a zloty more liracal?
Don't you see that if the florin my cave were piled with jewels, I'd have to be much dollar to see over it, and it would be a lot harder to drachmaself across it?

 

by kaufman
3-10-02
Congratulations! You two are the new parents of a bouncing baby boy!
Actually, my body has insufficient elasticity for bouncing. If dropped on a hard surface, I'll make more of a ...
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO OUR SON?

 

by kaufman
3-12-02
Jesus, will you do me a favor?
Sure, my child. Anything you want.
Well, if you're going to be spending the day crucified, do you mind doing it in the middle of the street, rather than here in the desert?
It's a strange request, but I can do that.
Now why in the world did that chicken ask me to do this?

 

by kaufman
3-13-02
1930
These working conditions are horrible. Let's go on strike.
1957
Congratulations, Mr. Hoffa, you've been elected president of the teamsters.
Very good. I've got your cash right here.
1971
You're a free man. Mr. Nixon says you are not a crook.
And he would know!

 

by kaufman
3-13-02
1975
1985
1995

 

by kaufman
3-13-02
While our soldiers are fighting for
your freedom, please do your part
I'm making bongs.
and support their efforts.

 

by kaufman
3-13-02
Hamlet and Ophelia
My mommy says no swimming. I just ate!
Wuss!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing an arras, a bated sword, Claudius, all of Denmark, and, uh ...
You forgot the ear of the king. 30-love, I owe you three noogies!
Yorick and, uh, some other great Dane.
V00f.

 

by kaufman
3-13-02
Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, I need you to take this letter to England immediately. You'll sail at dawn.
But your Highness, we've been booked for our holiday
on the Norwegian coast for months now.
*sigh*
*sigh*

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
Excuse me, boys. Could you tell me how to get to Tokyo?
Sure, just go to the second stoplight, turn right, and go about 2000 furlongs to the Mongol Highway. You can't miss it.
Why send him that way? It's far out of his way, and there have been tons of plague outbreaks along it...
Run the Scandinavian Pike all the way to Moscow. There's a great little lutefisk restaurant up near Trondheim that's worth dying for.
IDIOT! It's midwinter! That road is closed. Plus the tolls are exorbitant. Maybe he should take the ferry to Riga ...
Forget it ... I'll just go this way.

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
So I said, "Prithee m'lord, yon rotorial turbines in solitary state shall nary a graviton generate."
Ha, ha.
You realize that Hamlet will have us offed for that, don't you?

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
I love you, Rosencrantz.
I love you, Guildenstern!
Wait a minute. YOU'RE Guildenstern ... I think. Aren't you?
If I am, then who are you?
zzzzzzzzip!
I'm Osric.
Ooooooohhhh!

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
Ah, the perfect drink. Tequila, orange juice, and ... honey, have you seen my grenadine?
I think Joanie was playing with it out in the yard.
Joanie has my grenadine?
Oh no, I hope I'm not too late.
Ha ha. Whee!

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
Excuse me, mister, could I have a nickel for a piece of gum?
Sure thing. Enjoy.
Hey, man, got fifty cents for a cup of coffee?
Right here. Go easy on the sugar.
Excuse me, I'm the former CEO of a failed dotcom who needs three million dollars in order to maintain my old lifestyle. Can you help?
If you don't mind taking it in quarters ...

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
One night in a disco, the bass solo begins ...
Oooooohhhh! Eight hertz!
One eye?
You're an eight!

 

by kaufman
3-14-02
Hey Dmitri, what do you say we breed my pet with yours?
I must be drinking too much wodka, Vladimir. I say da!

 

by kaufman
3-15-02
That does it. I've got to lay off the diet chum.

 

by kaufman
3-18-02
This will be so good. Two million people are about to get emails telling them how to become bioluminescent.
What the?
Son, what happened to the computer?
We were out of eggs, so I fried the motherboard.

 

by kaufman
3-18-02
... I don't care. It shouldn't take an entire taskforce; I just want a teaching job.
Did you hear me? I don't care! Just tell me what school to go to.
So if the length of the hypoteneuse is six units, and one of the angles is 30 degrees ...

 

by kaufman
3-18-02
Honey, could you reach up and get that can of paint off the top shelf? ... Oh, never mind, I'll do it myself.
Harold, that little boy just fell into the lake. Don't just stand there, rescue him!
I'm changing into my slinkiest negligee now. I hope you'll join me in bed tonight.

 

by kaufman
3-18-02
Honey, could you reach up and get that basket off the top shelf? ... Oh, never mind, I'll do it myself.
Harold, that little boy just fell into the lake. Don't just stand there, rescue him!
I'm changing into my slinkiest negligee now. I hope you'll join me in bed tonight.

 

by kaufman
3-18-02

 

by kaufman
3-18-02
Tonight's episode: A Tricky Situation

 

by kaufman
3-18-02
Hold tight, almost there.
Is she all right, Dr. Monohan?
Yes, but that's the third bird you've brought in this month with a charcoal briquette lodged in its rectum.
Well, Henry does love to roast them ...
Have you ever considered a propane grill?

 

by kaufman
3-19-02
I'm sorry, Alice. Since Mike succumbed to AIDS, I've decided I can't raise the family on my own. I'm entombing the children with him, and letting you go.
I understand, Mrs. Brady. Have a nice life.
Daddy, Jan is eating Tiger brisket in front of me again!
Bobby, did you take my magic tiki pendant?
No way, Peter. You can't get it from me!

 

by kaufman
3-19-02
Fish sticks, fish sticks, rotting in the summer heat. Oh were there sweet, cool tartar sauce to dominate the fetid fish. Who is my knight in shining tartar?
My cookies are plain and weak. Alas! Where is the chocolate chip man?
We have combined two great flavors in our new ice cream. The tang of tartar ...
... and the lure of chocolate. Ben & Jerry's Fish -n- Chips Ice Cream shall rule the market!
We are refreshed, we are reinvigorated, we are alive.
One magic ingredient shall rule the earth. Ben, Jerry, we bow to you!

 

by kaufman
3-19-02
You've done well, my minion. You bring winter over the land of ice cream eaters. Let them eat cake!
Your half-baked ideas shall rule. All shall rue the day Sara Lee became a wholly owned subsidiary of Betty Crocker, and the pastry market was cornered!
Now to implement our cookie grace! Twist the tentacles of the icemen. Tie them in knots forever!
Nobody doesn't like scraggly!
And they all lived happily ever after.
Help! My tentacles are being bended, Jerry. I need a pie.
My tentacles are being gerrymandered, Ben. Get me a slice too!

 

by kaufman
3-20-02
Spearheading an urban crimefighting taskforce ...
Stop! I saw you jaywalking. Up against the car, I'm gonna have to run you in.
Dan Hood is Omaha's most notorious cop...
Hold it right there. This is a bust!
Why, it sho'nuff is. Wid manboobs like those, you oughta be workin' fo' me!
rophage.
Welcome to Krispy Kreme, how may I help you?
I'd like a dozen doughnuts covered in shit. And none of that chocolate crap, I want them loaded with real-live fecal excrement!

 

by kaufman
3-21-02
I finally made it back to civilization. What's happened? What did I miss?
He still sucks.

 

by kaufman
3-23-02
One hour from now ...
I will be coming face-to-face with these fellow mad geniuses.
Innocent bystanders may want to make sure their estates are in order.

 

by kaufman
3-24-02
I've got a pair.
Why, yes, I believe you do!
First Rule of Maura's Poker Club:
... with an ace kicker!
Don't talk about the hostess' anatomy.

 

by kaufman
3-24-02
I'll take one card, please.
Here you go.
You REALLY ought to work on that poker face of yours.

 

by kaufman
3-24-02
What do you have?
I've got a flush!
I'll say you do. Your bathroom smells like an elephant shit in it. Haven't you ever heard of using your plumbing?
And another thing. I think I saw crumbs on the floor. Don't you ... GAAAAH!
So I was bluffing. I don't have a flush. only a pair'a normal fours.

 

by kaufman
3-24-02
Well, what do you have?
I've got a queen high.
Hey, we have something in common. I've done a few lines with Prince Charles every now and then ...
You wouldn't believe how it mellows the bloke out.

 

by kaufman
3-25-02
Peter, I can see your house from up here.

 

by kaufman
3-25-02
Yes, yes, you have the five dollah, I sucky sucky you.

 

by kaufman
3-26-02
General John Sedgwick, May 1864
Come on, men. They couldn't hit an elephant from this dist ...
Just for laughs, I think I'll give this contest to Bazilla.
I really hope that's a mirror I'm looking at, and not just a pane of glass.

 

by kaufman
3-26-02
Don't move or I'll shoot!
Ha! You can't hurt me with that finger.
Next time, you ought to consider being the Prince of More Often Than Not Falsehoods.

 

by kaufman
3-27-02
And now the award for best cinematoraphy ....
Hey, I got a B+ in Cinematography sophomore year.
The nominees are ...
Uh, pardon me, sir, Have you got any Grey Poupon?
But of course.
Damn you, Crow, did you have to say *that*?

 

by kaufman
3-27-02

 

by kaufman
3-27-02
Now, double-0-7, the button on your belt buckle will render you completely invis... oh, quit playing around.
Before you kill me, would you please explain your operation?
Certainly, Mr. Bond. With heroin money, we are cornering the market in gold, and buying up Tajikistani nuclear plants. Meanwhile, selected assassinations...
Shouldn't we call for help, James?
Not now, Miss Lingus. We are hardly in any danger.

 

by kaufman
3-27-02
Oops, I think there's been a mix-up. You're wearing my outfit.
Oops, I think there's been a mix-up. You're wearing my outfit.

 

by kaufman
3-27-02
Do me a favor ... if anyone asks, I'm a bit hard of hearing in my left ear.
Sure thing, Frank. No problem.
Here you go, folks. The head you ordered.
OF LETTUCE! I said "head of lettuce."

Showing page 14.

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