All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

Profile

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-14
Hi! I'm that guy with two penises who was on the news a lot last year. I bet you're all keen to find out what sort of crazy adventures I've been up to with my two penises!
Well, this week I went to Whole Foods and bought an artisanal loaf and some quinoa. Then I made a nice salad.
I have two penises.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-14
Hi! I'm that guy with two penises who did an AMA on Reddit last year. I have the most penises! I challenge anyone to have more penises than me!
RAAR! TOBOR HAS FOURTEEN PENISES!
Wow! That's impressive! Can I see them?
TOBOR LEFT THEM AT HOME.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-14
Hello, it's me, the guy with two penises that was on a lot of daytime TV shows last year,
People often ask me the worst thing about having two penises.
Wedgies.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-07-14
Hey! It's me- that guy with two penises from the news last year and also the last couple of comic strips!
I am sceptical about your two penises, I demand to see some proof.
Okay, feast your eyes on these bad boys.
Dude - those are your legs.
Alright then, what about my 400 nipples?
You have measles.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-11-14
Well, time to get to work on today's calamari order.
Mama mia! A power cut! I hope my freezer doesn't defrost.
Uh oh.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-11-14
Hey little sista, you wanna buy some shrimp?
No thank you, I'm in the middle of a murder investigation.
You sure about that? They're tasty garlic shrimp!
Garlic, eh?
We've found your wife's killer.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-14-14
Honey, did you pay the electricity bill?
Yes, darling.
Are you sure about that? You definitely paid the bill? You didn't take the money and spend it on booze and crack?
*Hic!*

 

I can't believe it's been over twelve years since I turned down that threesome with the two goth girls at the student union.
I know! What were you thinking?
In my defense, I thought it was some kind of prank. I was expecting one of them to reveal they were Ashton Kutcher in a mask, but I'd still have to go through with it.
Ashton Kutcher? You mean you'd have to blow Jobs?
This is why everyone leaves.

 

Hey! What do you like best, doughnuts or muffins?
That's a tough choice! I love both doughnuts and muffins!
What if I were to tell you that you could have both at once? That's right, I'm talking about duffins! They're a doughnut in the shape of a muffin! Or a muffin made out of doughnut!
FUCK YEAH! Why should I have to choose between doughnuts and muffins? This is the 21st century, what are we, savages?
"...the latest in a series of attacks at bakers all around the country. The man launched into a frenzy when asked to choose between two types of cake."
Did we learn nothing from the great Cronut war of 2013?

 

Why, if it isn't my old friend Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man!
Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time. A long time.
Really, what happened?
The financial crisis hit me hard. For a while I was just known as Green T-Shirt Beard Man.
And now?
Call me Handjob Boy.

 

So what have you been up to for all these years, Paralysis Man?
It's funny you should ask that, Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man. I went to see a doctor about my paralysis.
And?
It turns out I wasn't really paralysed.
I'm just really lazy.

 

We really are even more pointless characters than we were before, Paralysis Man. I mean, you're not even really paralysed.
That's true, Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man, and you're not a stockbroker any more.
You have to ask why we even bothered coming back after an almost nine-year absence.
Really, anything we do now is going to seem like a huge anticlimax.

 

Hi, I'm Les. Les Revenants. I'm going to bring this dead girl back to life!
Alakazam!
Huh? Where am I? Last thing I remember is being in the Twin Towers when those CIA guys blew it up!
Cut!
I remember them talking about Illuminati orders, then boom!

 

Hi, I'm Les. Les Revenants. This week I'm going to bring Neil Armstrong back from the dead!
Alakazam!
Huh? Where am I? Last thing I remember was the CIA guys pointing guns at me!
Cut!
I was telling them I was sick of pretending I'd been to the moon, and they got all angry, then Blam!

 

Hi, I'm Les. Les Revenants. This week I am resurrecting former president John F Kennedy!
Alakazam!
Huh? Where am I? Last thing I remember is being shot by some CIA guys hiding behind a grassy knoll!
Cut!
I think they might have been lizard people in disguise.

 

Hi, I'm Les. Les Revenants. This week I'm going to bring Jesus Christ back from the dead for a second time! Alakazam!
Huh? Where am I?
Jesus! You must be an old hand at this. How does it feel being resurrected twice?
What do you mean? Last thing I remember was those CIA guys putting a spear in my side.
Cut!
One of them had a wig just like my hair, said he was going to put it on a tramp and pay him to hide in the bushes outside my wife's house.

 

Hi, I'm Les. Les Revenants. This week I'm going to bring Abe Vigoda back to life! Alakazam!
Huh? Where am I?
Hi Abe, I'm Les Revenants. I've brought you back from the dead!
What? I wasn't dead, I was just asleep.
Cut!
Last thing I remember was those CIA guys putting drugs in my water supply...

 

AAAAAAAH! I'M FALLING!
Lawks a lummy! What sort of fiend would drop a sea bass off a roof?
You're under arrest, Skrillex.

 

Dave! Why aren't you playing?
I can't! Someone broke my bass guitar.
Was it in the grey flight case? I think I saw that new roadie dropping it.
That's it - I'm going to have a word with him.
You're fired, Skrillex.

 

My wedding cake is ruined! The tiers are okay, but the base is all in bits.
I'm so sorry, one of my kitchen porters must have dropped it.
This kitchen porter who dropped the base, it wouldn't happen to be Skrillex, would it? I've read the last couple of strips and have spotted a bit of a pattern.
Skrillex? Why would I hire him for a kitchen porter job? He's a DJ, he has no cooking experience. You'd have to be an idiot to let him in a kitchen.
Leave by the back door, if anyone asks: you were never here.

 

Grr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Afraid I'm no good to you, Womack. I'm mid-thirties, single and childless.
It's crap, I tell you. I barely get to go out these days because everyone has kids. It's not like the good old days.
I'll get my address book.

 

Grr! Womack and Womack has eaten your friends' babies!
Thanks Womack!
This is going to be great, without those kids getting in the way it'll be just like old times.
So... anyone fancy a pint?

 

You wanted to see me, doc?
Yes Mr Pitt. We're a little concerned about your wife. Remember when we told her she had a chance of breast cancer, so she had a mastectomy?
Yes, and then there was that time she found out she had a chance of ovarian cancer, so she got those removed too.
Well, we just discovered she has a 50% chance of skin cancer.
Angie, this has to stop.
Moh!

 

It sure is boring out here on the moon. I'm so glad I brought along my vibrating ass dildo.
Mr Aldrin! You're needed at the base and - what's that noise?
Uh oh, this is going to stick.

 

Hello and welcome to MegaBurger. How may I serve you today?
I'd like a - hang on, aren't you Killer BOB from Twin Peaks?
Yes sir. I spent the early part of the 90s possessing suburban dads and making them kill their own daughters.
And now you work in a burger bar?
Only part time. Say, have you got any kids?

 

Hörgen borgen. Gudy burdy hurgy nurgy. Borgy morgy nurgy knåck.
Skäl sköl skull. Smöogle noogle nurgle.
Apologias senor. We is muy lost!
Idiota! You told me you could read these signs and find the money in this Ikea. You eeeediot!

 

One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Groovy!

 

Welcome to the 14th Annual Military Awards. With me is the winner of our Friendly Fire Incident of the Year Award, Private Jones.
Thank you kindly, sir.
Private Jones, you hold the record for the most weddings bombed in a month with twenty seven. Just what is it you have against weddings?
Well sir, I had good intelligence that there was evildoers hiding at them there weddings.
The weddings were all within a five mile radius of your house in Milwaukee.
By "evildoers" I mean "cheesy 70s cover bands"

 

Son! Do you want to play a game? Just think of a number between one and ten.
Sure. Uhhh, four?
Great! That's how long a summer Scotland will get this year.
Four days? The Scots will love you for this!
It's too damn hot.
I know! Pub?

 

Is this the queue for the ice cream van?
Yeah, with this hot weather the ice cream man has become the most powerful man in the country.
I heard he's now the third richest man on the planet. He bought the New York Yankees and moved them to Largs.
I heard he's building a weather machine so it's always sunny, to keep the demand up.
I heard he's bought Google so he can deliver ice cream via the cloud.
I heard he - What do you mean you've run out?

 

So, you've reached your first Comic Cup final and stand on the verge of being named the best and most powerful comedic mind in the world.
That's right, Bob. In many ways my entire life has been leading up to this...
Mama! I have so many ideas for "hilarious" three panel comic strips. If only there was some way I could show the world my genius.
Well, I did buy you that pack of crayons, but you ate them all.
I suppose when you shit them out I could sell your nappies as modern art pieces.

 

Tell me about your schooldays. Were they an influence on your rise up the comedy echelons?
You could say that, Bob.
Kramer, I'm going to have to put you in detention. Stay behind and write "I must not make lame jokes in class" five hundred times.
Detention again? I hope all that repetition doesn't mess with my young, developing brain!
And did all the repetition have any effect?
You have read my comics, right?

 

Tell me about that day in 2001 when you discovered Stripcreator.
I was killing time in the university library. I had just finished my final exams.
Well, that's university finished. I've got my whole adult life ahead of me. Time to go out into the big bad world and be a grown up, mature and respectable member of society.
Or I could stay in and make seven hundred comics about sexually assaulting donkeys.

 

And is it true you've also tried your hand at stand up comedy?
That's correct. My "hilarious" Stripcreator comedy skills didn't translate so well to the stage though.
Chaos ensued at a comedy club in Glasgow last night, as a young comedian called "Kramer vs Kramer" went on a desperate and unfunny rampage.
The night took an unpleasant turn when the comedian took to the stage in red facepaint and violently sodomised an elderly man who was sitting in the front row.
Realising his act was not going well he then dragged two young female exchange students from Singapore onto the stage in his place and ran out a fire escape.
When questioned by the police he responded "Ha, ha! What the fuck are you talking about?"

 

And on the eve of your entry in the Comic Cup I have to ask, is there a Mrs Kramer?
I'm afraid not. I've been so busy training for the Cup I've had no time for relationships.
But in many ways it's like I'm married to some of my comics.
They looked good in 2001 but now I'm embarrassed to be associated with them.

 

Well, it's almost time. One last round stands between you and ultimate Comic Cup power.
That's right, Bob. I can almost taste the victory.
One more win, and you get the power to host the next Comic Cup.
Hang on - if I win I have to organise another of these things?

 

I am an important businessman. The size of my umbrella represents how important I am. It is big enough to fit a barbershop quartet underneath.
I am the CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation. Instead of an umbrella, I have four employees carry a gazebo while I walk.
I see normal people on the streets with their normal sized umbrellas. They are not important like me. They do not deserve to stay completely dry.
When I open my CEO umbrella, people mistake it for a solar eclipse.
I spend so long under my businessman sized umbrella that I have developed a major vitamin D deficiency.
My CEO umbrella is so heavy I dislocated my right shoulder and had to have the whole arm amputated.

 

I am a homeless man. I do not have an umbrella which puts me at risk of pneumonia when I sleep outside in the rain.
If only you were a businessman like me, then you could have a businessman sized umbrella.
Perhaps you could give me your umbrella? I am so very cold.
Not a chance. You're not a businessman and therefore not entitled to this size of umbrella. At the best you might be allowed a normal person sized umbrella.
Is there a special size of umbrella for us homeless folk?
Yes, have you ever seen the paper ones that come in cocktails?

 

It's raining! Luckily I have my huge umbrella to hand.
STOP RIGHT THERE! That is a businessman sized umbrella and I have reason to suspect you of not being a businessman.
I am a businessman, I run a nationwide chain of organic smoothie shops.
Oh, I'm very sorry sir. I thought you might have stolen that businessman-sized umbrella.
I did, I stole it from Donald Trump.
I didn't see anything. Have a nice day, sir.

 

Uh, hello? I'm here for the backstreet abortion?
Just a minute, I'll get my tools.
Right, just lie down on that mattress over there and I'll be with you in a minute.
That mattress over there with the dead heroin addict on it?
Dead? Crap - I hope you weren't expecting any anaesthetic.

 

So, how long have you been doing backstreet abortions?
Only a couple of weeks. I used to be a children's entertainer.
That's pretty ironic.
Those kids loved me. But then one day the boss's son took over and let me go so he could hire all his idiot friends.
How did you get into the abortion business?
I'm cutting off their customer base at the source. That'll teach him!

 

So what's the usual process for backstreet abortions?
It's pretty simple really. You huff paint out of this paper bag until you pass out. While you're under I remove the baby plus any loose change or jewellery you happen to have on you.
And what happens to the baby once you remove it?
I dress it up in a uniform and use it for my civil war reenactments.
On a scale of one to ten, how much did the father look like Robert E Lee?

 

You know, I'm having second thoughts about this backstreet abortion.
Are you sure? You'd be missing out on the loyalty scheme.
Loyalty scheme?
For every ten abortions you get a free cup of coffee.
Has anyone ever taken you up on the offer?
To be honest, nobody survives the first one. I'm starting to think the coffee machine was a bad investment.

 

No, that's it. A backstreet abortion isn't for me. I'm going to keep my baby.
Suit yourself. The deposit is non-refundable though.
That's okay, you can keep the ten dollars. I've learned an important lesson today about the value of life. Have a nice day!
I agree, life is important. Within every child lies the potential to do great things. They may create a masterpiece, or cure a disease, or invent something amazing. I wish you all the best.
Next!

 

Doc, I need some fake tits. Big pendulous bangers! Juicy whoppers! Spectacular jugs! Massive bosoms!
Well, it's rare. but you're not the first man to ask for breast implants.
Oh, they're not for me. I'd like you to put them on my couch.
Your couch? I'll see what I can do.
You've spent all your money in the pub again? I hope you enjoy sleeping on the couch, mister!
Well, actually...

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-01-15
Doctor! I need help keeping an erection up.
Oh, that's easy. These pills will help you out.
Later...
At least fifty people are believed to have been killed when a large amount of scaffolding collapsed and crushed them.
That was all your fault.

 

Hey, haven't seen you for a while. What have you been up to?
I've been working on my new comic strip about how people are being really rude to me now I'm a vegan.
You're a vegan? That's cool. I've been trying to eat more healthily too. So how's the comic strip going?
I fucked your wife last night.
You little shit! I aught to rip your arms off.
Comic's going great, thanks.

 

Hey, what did you have for dinner last night? I made myself a vegan lasagne.
That sounds great! You'll have to give me the recipe some time.
I don't think you heard me correctly. It was a vegan lasagne. It didn't contain any animal products at all. Aren't you going to tell me how weird I am for eating that?
No, that actually sounds quite nice.
You're kind of a shitty friend.

 

I have something to tell you. I'm dying...
To have sex with you!
But seriously, I've got AIDS.

 

Hello children! Today on story time I'm going to read you a fun book about camping.
Psst! Mr Rogers!
What is it?
That's the wrong book. It's not about camping.
Are you sure? It says right here- "Mein Kampf"

Showing page 15.

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