All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
1-03-05
At the Worst Buy store...
Can I help ya?
Yes, I'd like to return this copy of GTA: Knoxville.
You just bought it yesterday. Didn't it work on your system?
Oh, it worked, and I beat the game already.
How the heck didya do that?
I drove around the downtown library 1000 times until a parking space opened up, and I grabbed it. The mayor walked out of the library and handed me the key to the Sunsphere. Then the credits rolled.

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-05
Well, the previous chapters had explained my injuries, my hangover, the bloody wine covering my upper body, and The Watusi, but there was still something missing...my pants!
I always hang them over the back of my desk chair...
Generous portions of my brains were still scrambled like eggs in hot butter or those free porn channels you get once in a while. I knew I had to backpacktrack through the empty caverns in my memory.
If you ordered the mind-cavern-exploring donkey, I take cash only--upfront.
I felt so confused--not unlike that guy in Memento or, at least, an unfortunate person who has just seen one of those commercials for Mentos. Still, I had press on--much like those fake fingernails.
Yah, mule!
I'm an ass, ass!

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-05
This game sucks. There's nowhere to go except through this long, dark tunnel.
And nothing to do but listen to the shitty soundtrack.

 

by umfumdisi
1-07-05
I'm Daily Carson. Welcome to Pimp My Girl. Today, we have Sean and his girl Valerie.
She's pretty plain, as you can see. Just do your best.
Yeah, I wanna be a fly hottie!
...then, you suck off my tentacles, and I give you a Cleveland Steamer.
One hour later...
Sounds complicated, but, hey, it's your ten bucks.
Valerie!?! No! What have I done?

 

by umfumdisi
1-27-05
!

 

by umfumdisi
1-27-05
Don't forget to wash up!
Didn't I tell you that toilet was cool?
I am SO going to touch your tater-tots.

 

by umfumdisi
1-27-05
Thanks, and come again soon!
Trust me, sir, you don't want to sit down.

 

by umfumdisi
1-27-05
Gimme one Heavenly Hash Platter and a Kid's Manna Meal. Thanks.
...and nine months later you showed up. So, technically, you're not the Second Coming.

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-05
~\ Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-ohhhhhhhhh. /~ So, how was that, Bruce?
Great as usual, Steven, but it seems like we're missing something in the rhythm.
We need something big, shimmering, and loud that provides contrast to the softness of the ballad.
Well, Bruce, we gotta be thinkin' the same thing...
Kramer, bring forth the HUGE WET GATED SNARE!!!

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-05
*Thought-up, Written, Composed,
Wow, this When Doves Cry* track is smokin'. What do you think about taking out the bass, Prince?
Arranged, Performed, Recorded,
[step, step, shimmy-shake, shimmy, step, step]
Whatever you say, Prince. I'll play it back for you.
Mixed, Produced, Packaged, Shipped, and Purchased...by Prince
Damn, I'm good!

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-05
~\ Ohhhh, I love how you can tell... All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me... Pieces, pieces, pieces of meeeeeee. /~
That was GREAT, Clango. We'll let you know if we can use it.
back to the stripclub
Pssst, Mike! Tell Ashlee to come in and lay down her vocal track, but, whatever happens, don't push the Record button.

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-05
In direct opposition to Punxsutawney Phil's prediction of more winter weather,
Georgia's Gen. Beauregard "Beau" Lee forecasts sunny spring days ahead for Dixie denizens. Here with an editorial comment is...a squirrel?
What the hell do groundhogs know about the weather? You wanna know when winter's over? Ask my nutsack! Nut Sack? Where?? WHERE???
And this just in, another reason why choadwarrior could never live in the South:
Beau's 97-percent accuracy rate has earned him honorary doctorate degrees from the University of Georgia and Georgia State University.

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-05
And now Chef Brocket's gonna make us some worm biscuits. How do we do that, you big burly baker?
First, Fred, you have to make the dough. Now, put your worm in the dough, and I'll cover it with drippy hot butter. How do you like that?
Oooh, that is drippy.
And hot!

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-05
Complaint Department
Hello, sir, how have we ruined your life?
Fear not, flunky fellow, for fain I forswear your facility has not failed my faith.
Complaint Department
I don't follow.
I file a feud on behalf of my plaintiff, the (until recently) frequently fit and fair Philo T. "Phil" Farnsworth, IV.
Complaint Department
What happened to Phil?
Phil fell...on some felt...while fellating a flea at your fleamarket. The flea flew free. Phil fell ill--the flu. Now Phil's flustered and flat on his floor. Phil demands fiscal freedom...forever.

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-05
A duck walks into a bar...
A duck walks into a bar.
OUCH!

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-05
I now pronounce you man and...
Bessie, is that yoo?
Luke, you said you were moooooving to Atlanta?
The only place he's movin' is inta the barn with yoo an' y'alls young'uns!
...and two guys getting married really bothers you people?

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-05
A few years ago, Tennessee passed the so-called Roadkill Bill. The bill was turned into a law which allows
What the hell are you eating?
motorists to collect and take home any animals they run over (and happen to kill) with their vehicles.
Possum Pancake. Mmmmmm-Mmm. Ran over it myself.
That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen or heard!
The benefits? The state DOT saves money on critter cleanup, and citizens enjoy free "roadkill delicacies."
Damn, boy, don't yoo eat sushi?
Yeah, but I don't run over it with my yacht.

 

by umfumdisi
2-20-05
Hey, Merle, you know why choadwarrior wouldn't never live in The South?
Shure don't. Why?
Cause he ain't got no shoes that'll match the Bible Belt!
Ha-yuk, ha-yuk!

 

by umfumdisi
2-20-05
Hey, Merle.... Hey, you ain't Merle. Where'd he go?
I think he went pig pickin'.
Take that back, you sumbitch!
Actually, I ate his snout with some pinto beans and a nice Chianti.

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-05
You know, it's hard to go wrong with Led.
And Mercury "Revs" right up there!
Of course, Arsenic totally kills.
Can I leave now?

 

by umfumdisi
3-14-05
Hey, did you hear the news about Hunter S. Thompson?
Yeah, sad. At least now we know what the "S" stood for.
I don't know why I bother interfacing with you.

 

by umfumdisi
3-14-05
Let me get this straight...you used to roll with a crew of twelve; they had your back, and you had theirs?
In a manner of speaking, yes.
And you're even more popular dead than you were alive?
Again, yes.
And your name's not Tupac?

 

by umfumdisi
3-18-05
Just a little while longer...I swear.
Christ, he's never gonna come again.

 

by umfumdisi
3-25-05
Welcome to Wendy's. May I take your order?
Hello. I'd like the San Jose Special, please.
You want Chili with a finger in it?
Please.
You want fries with that?
You sick bastard!

 

by umfumdisi
3-27-05
!
Mommy! Mommy! I found a brown Easter egg in the bathroom!

 

by umfumdisi
3-30-05
Well, here I am, the teacher from umfum's last random comic. I'm walking to my car in the staff parking lot, and I see a deer.
Behold, fiery-haired woman, I am the Deer of DOOM!
Deer of DOOM?
Yes, DOOM--Director Of Outlay Management!
Damn it, is this about my student loan payments being late?
Yes. I have come for your first-born.

 

by umfumdisi
3-31-05
Howdy there, fella, whut can I do ya fer?
Me an' my wife an' her kids just moved into Piney Fresh Acres, and we need some landscapin' done.
Piney Fresh? Wooooooo-boy! They only lets double-wides in that there developmunt.
Yeah, and the yard's right big. Make sure you'ns bring enough stuff to make it look good.
I don' mean to piss on yer parade, but y'alls new in town. How's I know yer gonna pay fer all the landscapin'?
Tween my dis'bility check and Polly Pearl's tax refund, we'll be a'ight.

 

by umfumdisi
3-31-05
In Piney Fresh Acres, much landscapin' later...

 

by umfumdisi
3-31-05
Well, young fella, howd'ya like yer new yard?
HIC! Ish bee-yutiful. The rebel statya and lit-up Chrishmush tree almost done made me cry in my beer.
Thank yuh. When Chris'mus does come, we can bring over a Baby Jesus for the statya to watch over.
Exshellent. And them two giant purple flamingas in fronta that huge 'Merican flag is jush awesome.
But how on God's green Earph did ya know I needed a deer-lighted toilet in the front yard?
Let's jest say you put me in the mind of my get-so-damn-drunk-ya-stumble-off-the-porch-and-drop-trou Uncle Hollis.

 

by umfumdisi
3-31-05
Hey, what does a cow say?
Mooooo.
Great! What does a dog say?
Wuff-wuff.
Excellent! What does a tiger say?
Reeeee-owww.

 

by umfumdisi
3-31-05
Way to go! Now, what does a lion say?
Roaaarrrr.
Super! What does a kitty cat say?
Mee-ow.
Very good! And what does a bear say?
Bear.

 

by umfumdisi
4-01-05
Greetings, human laborer, what is your function?
I'm checking the viscosity of this sample taken from your office oilcooler.
You mean you're evaluating the ratio of the tangential frictional force per unit area to the velocity gradient perpendicular to the direction of flow?
Of course.
Can I sniff the beaker?
Robofreak.

 

by umfumdisi
4-01-05
Why I no longer allow my wife to use the camera AND order double prints...

 

by umfumdisi
4-01-05
What is the color of the sun? What bids day end when night's begun?
Will cock ne'er crow for Artemis strong? Will Pat Benatar find where "We Belong?"
Does Kevin Bacon fry at six degrees? What's the medical term for the back of our knees?

 

by umfumdisi
4-01-05
Hey, beautiful, do you come here often?
No, randomly.

 

by umfumdisi
4-01-05
Look, coppers, I'm loitering. Right in front of the NO LOITERING sign!
Yo, pigs, I just won the loitery, and I'm spending my prize right here.
There's no justice in this world.

 

by umfumdisi
4-05-05
Evening, Rip.
Howdy, Ern.
Been busy tonight?
Nope, dead as usual.

 

by umfumdisi
4-05-05
I don't know much about the world I see, but, bitch, you can-a call me Holy See.
Popemobile, pointy hat, and Vat City--yeah, I'ma the mothafuckin' P.O.P.E.
I'ma 'bout my church, as you see, she is quite a holy lady. I call her Catholic with a capital-a C, and I rule her as the mothafuckin' P.O.P.E.
I'ma not what you watch on TV, behind-a bulletproof glass for all to see. My world is veiled in secrecy 'cause I'ma the mothafuckin' P.O.P.E.
No, I wasn't born in Sicily, but I'ma gangsta, bitch, believe me. I'ma the right-hand man of G-O-D, and I'ma the mothafuckin' P.O.P.E.
Now a most righteous pontiff I be, and-a, even if a hata kills me, the church will live into eternity...with anotha mothafuckin' P.O.P.E.

 

by umfumdisi
4-07-05
#1 Avoid using this space unless absolutely necessary.
#2 Think about the witticism you are about to create. There's a lot of space between here and the last panel.
#3 Pace and timing are crucial elements of humor, so figure out the best setup for your punchline or denouement.
#4 Avoid using this space unless absolutely necessary.
#5 Don't arbitrarily change characters.
#6 Use backgrounds that help illustrate the "action," theme, and/or mood of your comic.
#7 Do not use the above "random comic layout" button without adult supervision.
#8 Using proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation makes the reader more comfortable and aids in comprehension.
#9 Never pay anything more than five dollah for sucky sucky.

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-05
Did you hear Tom Cruise will star as the commander of a Naval destroyer in his next movie?
The producers wanted him, but not for his good looks or previous military movie experience.
They needed someone who could handle a LOT of seamen.

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-05
Myers, I need everything in here alphabetized, categorized, copied, collated, and then shredded. Report back to my office at the end of the day.
No problem, sir...
Especially for Honorable Ninja File Clerk, VIP!!
Gah! Myers, it's only lunchtime. You can't be finished with that job already.
Actually, I finished in an hour. I spent the rest of the time convincing Carl in accounting to buy your LeBaron convertible.

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-05
Is everything okay? You've been pretty quiet.
Yeah, the service has been excellent, and the food's pretty good.
But...
It's not what I had in mind when you asked me to dinner.
I probably shouldn't have used the term "sole food."

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-05
Hi there. Wow! You look just like this girl I used to date in high school.
Maybe he'll go away if I don't acknowledge him.
She was really into Dio, so I took her to one of their concerts. She got a backstage pass; I didn't. I think she's still married to their drummer.
Hmmm. If I stop breathing and moving, maybe he'll think I'm a mannequin.
Are you some kind of mannequin? Hey, in that case, you won't mind if I take off your shirt!
Damn.

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-05
Please understand, MommyG, that I'd personally like to kick your little son (of a) out of school for the rest of the year. However, the school shrink says Mikey merely needs some therapy sessions.
We'll cooperate with whatever you say, Principal.
Rrrrright!
That's great, but I don't know how much good it will do considering he thinks Show N Tell involves removing his clothes, singing "I'm A Little Teapot," and jacking off into the goldfish bowl.
Oh my.
Nobody respects my arrrrrrrrt.

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-05
Pope John Paul II was a great Christian man of faith. I know his successor, Pope John Paul Ringo, will follow in his path.
Hey, Texas, the Pope is Catholic.
We wish peace and tranquilizers to all Catholics--especially our fellow fighters in the Irish Republican Army.
They're not THOSE kind of Republicans, dumbass. And your own administration has branded the IRA as terrorists.
No, though some folks equate the ERA with femiNazis, I think them butch gals is doin' a hell of a job in Hollywood.
(where are The Assassini when you need them?)

 

by umfumdisi
4-09-05
boinky's reaction to my initial comics...
meh
boinky's probable reaction to my current comics...
meh
my reaction to boinky's banning...
meh

 

by umfumdisi
4-11-05
Pardon, mortal, where might Almighty Zeus find anal anti-itch creme?
If it's not on the rear wall in Health & Beauty, they might have it behind the counter.
HAHA-HA-HAH-HAHAHA-AHA. "Rear." "Behind." Your wit is more swift than my boy Hermes.
Uh, I was being serious. Besides, I gave the same answer to Uranus earlier today.
"Uranus!?!" My dear, you are a treasure. Were you not from the Isle of Lesbos, I'd ravage you right here.
Great. Even the Gods think I'm a Lesbian.

 

by umfumdisi
4-11-05
What's the difference between Richard Simmons and Russell Simmons?
Gee, I don't know.
One WAS a fat dick. The other HAS a fat dick.

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
Good day, folks. I'm here in the Fact or Fiction Section of the Watford Public Library with a Mr. Mfume Deeze.
Hello everyone.
Mr. Deeze claims that he has discovered an unpublished manuscript by one Ted Geisel--better known world 'round as Dr. Seuss!
That's right.
In a BBC News exclusive, Mr. Deeze will read the unedited, unrefined manuscript for us for the first time anywhere!
Actually, I read it in the loo a few minutes ago, but that wasn't televised...I hope.

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
Okay, here goes. *ahem* Little Suzie Wuzzle / had a very scary puzzle. / She woke up one fine morning / with a very hairy muzzle!
Yes, that hair upon her face / seemed a little out of place. / Instead of soft, smooth skin, / Suzie had whiskers on her chin!
Yet something seemed to tell her / that the hair was quite familiar-- / Soft and springy, slightly stringy-- / It felt like that upon her Thingy!

Showing page 16.

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