All comics by boorite

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by boorite
4-05-04
I like to waterski! LOL!
Do you like to waterski into dock pilings with your face?
I love long walks on the beach!
Ever find a corpse washed up on shore, all covered with crabs?
LOL
You're very annoying. Will you have sex with me?

 

by boorite
4-05-04
So this is your idea of a party, eh?
Glad you could make it. where's your date?
Over there by the power receptacle.
I'll go say hello.
I love long walks on the beach! LOL

 

by boorite
4-05-04
When you said you were bringing your "computer date," I had no idea...
I know. An actual computer. Lame, eh?
She's leaving with me.
You bastard.

 

by boorite
4-07-04
Nice morning.
CUNT YA GREAT FUCKHOLE!
Say, is that a pint of stout?
It's OK. I had Subway for lunch.
No, you had stout for lunch, too.
CUNT YA GREAT FUCKHOLE!

 

by boorite
4-08-04
Hey, I haven't seen one Scientologist since I moved here.

 

by boorite
4-12-04
Scientology Headquarters.
How come I never see you guys here in Wyoming?
Our market analysis indicates that Wyoming is a vast frozen Hell sparsely populated by dirt farmers who are firmly entrenched in medeival beliefs.
Who told you that? These rancher rubes are RICH off their asses, and they'll believe ANYTHING.
Look there, Clem. A college boy in a suit and tie, comin' up our road.
Must be from the bank. Your gun loaded?

 

by boorite
4-12-04
You want me to PAY you to remove my WHATS?
Engrams. Mental recordings of experiences containing pain and fear. They're the root cause of trouble in the reactive mind.
How much to remove my hemorrhoids? They're a root cause of trouble in my asshole.
We don't do that, but I have some brochures here on our Purification Rundown, which could--
How much to remove my boot from YOUR asshole?
See, that's the reactive mind talking.

 

by boorite
4-12-04
Hey... I thought I was the only Scientology operative in Wyoming.
No, I'm a Mormon. We are here in vast numbers.
Oh. Could I interest you in some of our-
No. Could I interest you in some of our-
No.

 

by boorite
4-12-04
Stop following me around.
I just want to see how you Scientologists pitch it.
Good afternoon, ma'am. Did you know your reactive mind may be imprinted with harmful-
LOOK OUT, MA'AM! THIS MAN IS ARMED WITH A PHOTOMETER FROM RADIO SHACK!
I'm being heckled by a Mormon.
HERE COMES BIG SCIENCE, LADY!

 

by boorite
4-12-04
Scientology HQ here. At your suggestion, we sent an operative up there to Wyoming. Have you seen him?
Well, this morning I did see a naked guy tied to a lamp-post downtown.
What did he look like?
His head was shaved and had had "FAGIT" written on his forehead, in lipstick.
That's him. Same thing happened when we sent one to Arkansas.
Yes, I know. I mean, what a shame.

 

by boorite
4-13-04
What are you doing in my Scientology series?
Same as always. I say "CUNT" and get my penis out.
But--
CUNT! *flop*
Well, that was topical.
Don't ask me. I just work here.

 

by boorite
4-13-04
TEAR HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!

 

by boorite
4-13-04
We interrupt this program with late-breaking news. The Apoc--

 

by boorite
4-19-04
What is love, anyway?
Love is being shat upon from a dizzying height.
I love you.

 

by boorite
4-20-04
I feel like doing something wild.
Let's get drunk and smash a police van with a brick.
I was thinking more like, let's stay up past midnight and watch cartoons.
Cunt that!
Let's compromise. We'll smoke PCP and kidnap a journalist.
OK, but we have to get drunk first.

 

by boorite
4-21-04
Send me an AIN-GEL!
Is that a plea for hemorrhoid medicine?
I mean, AIN-GEL?
Could you stand someplace far away, please?
Like you badly need some kind of GEL for your ANUS?

 

by boorite
4-27-04
Saw you at the rally. Did you write those pamphlets?
Yep, all by myself.
You're pretty good. Want to work for our lobbying firm?
As long as it's not some sellout establishment shit.
It's Guns for Dictators.
Do I get free parking on K Street?

 

by boorite
4-27-04
We've booked you for a breakfast meeting with Vice President Cheney.
That conniving, thieving, cretinous bastard!
That vile sack of clogged arteries and beastly humours!
Will there be pastries?

 

by boorite
4-27-04
So you're the new guy from Guns for Dictators? I don't have to tell you that the Administration looks favorably on your cause.
Yes, Mr. Vice President. But about that name. The word "Dictators" tests through the floor in our focus groups. So we're thinking 'Taters.
Guns for 'Taters?
No, no. Think cute: Toys for 'Taters.
Snappy! And since we're talking about my special favorites here...
That's right! Dick's Taters!

 

by boorite
4-27-04
We must protect the democracy of tiny San Judas from Communist rebels. General Rodriguez is beloved by his people!
Excuse me. I am from San Judas, and General Rodriguez tortures and kills us!
Yes, well, I mean "his people," like his family and friends, his "peeps" if you will. It's a Black expression.
I'm black.

 

by boorite
4-27-04
General Rodriguez is moved by your speeches touting his benevolence. To show his gratitude, he's flying you to San Judas to meet him.
The beaches are lovely.
I quit.

 

by boorite
4-27-04
Make my funk the P-Funk! I want my funk uncut! Make my funk the P-Funk! I wants to get funked up!
Parliament? Please! You haven't a funky bone in your tiny yellow body.
WHUUUT? I'MA TEAR THE ROOF OFF THE MUTHA!
That is coming out of your paycheck!

 

by boorite
5-03-04
I don't have any ideas for good comics.
Then make a crap one.
I say! What are you doing in that ashcan?
The sign says, "Smokers put your butts here!"
How's that?
I have cancer!

 

by boorite
5-05-04
I can turn into a chicken.
I doubt that.
Here I go! Nnngggh! NNNNGGHHH! Damn it!
OK, I can't turn into a chicken.
You bite the bolz.

 

by boorite
5-06-04
What the hell are you supposed to be?
AH'M A DEER!
You escaped from some freaky agro lab, didn't you?
BREED WITH ME!

 

by boorite
5-06-04
Dear Lord, please grant me the rational faculty to perceive thy will...
No no no, that's all wrong.
Dear Lord, please remove from me all vestiges of a rational faculty...
That's better.

 

by boorite
5-06-04
Hi. Would you contribute to Habitat for Huge Manatees?
Well, I do approve of housing for poor people.
No, we build ponds for overweight sea cows.
We're sorry. Boorite cannot finish this comic due to technical difficulties.
I stabbed him in the neck with a pencil.

 

by boorite
6-10-04
Don't tell me you've found God again.
I've found Mr. T!
Don't you get it? Mr.T? A 'T' is a cross. Mr. T died for your sins!
Mr. T is still alive.
Yes, so he can star in "The Passion of Mr. T."

 

by boorite
6-11-04
Why can't I say "suck my dick, motherfucker?" Samuel L. Jackson does!
He has something you don't have.
An Oscar?
Samuel L. Jackson doesn't have an Oscar.
Suck my dick, motherfucker!

 

by boorite
7-09-04
You must help me. My daughter has been kidnapped by the Illuminati.
I'll cash your checks, Pops, but let's get one thing straight: There IS no Illuminati
My fiction just isn't ringing true.
Then write from your experience.
You must help me. My orthotics are disintegrating.
Try the shoe store next to JC Penney.

 

by boorite
7-09-04
Welcome to Chez Boorite. How many are dining with you today?
None. I am here to give the proprietor a savage beating.
Would you like to hear our daily specials?
Certainly not. Just show me to the owner's office, where I might brutalize him.
Today, Chef Boorite will prepare for you a blackened Cajun banana peel, aged in his car, coated with fresh jumbo Maine lobster smegma.
Where is he?

 

by boorite
7-09-04
Michael Douglas may be an oldish gray man, but he commands great material resources.
So the fuck what?
So he can command Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Well?

 

by boorite
7-27-04
Women want committed guys.
No.
YES!
It's less casual here. You don't "date."
YOU ARE RELIABLE. YOU ARE COMMITTED.
I'm committed to putting my penis in some boot's minge.

 

by boorite
8-25-04
I've put my pants on the conveyor belt. Now what?
We have detected traces of household solvents that can be used in bomb-making.
That's stain remover! I tend to stain my pants.
Sorry, we have to keep your pants for further analysis.
Is there a draft in here?
Please be seated, sir. We are making an emergency landing in Lake Michigan.

 

by boorite
8-27-04
And.... action!
Ivy has replaced Folger's Crystals with rabbit droppings and shredded New York Times. Let's see if anyone notices.
What the hell? These Folger's Crystals taste more like real coffee all of a sudden!
Is this a trick?
They noticed.
That's that. Now can I have my pants back?

 

by boorite
9-28-04
Sorry I was away for a few weeks.
You were?
Yes, I did a stint in the nut house.
What for?
Essentially the same thing you're doing.

 

by boorite
10-06-04
Hey, Mr. Owl! How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
I'm afraid my confectionary experience is quite limited.
What do you know then?
How many licks it takes to get to the still-beating heart of a live swamp rat.
I'm not sure how I'd use that knowledge in everyday life.
Depends on how hungry you plan to get.

 

by boorite
10-27-04
Hello, sir. I'm investigating some crime or other, and I was wondering if I might come in and fart up your house.
I'd really rather you didn't.
I have a warrant.
To fart up my house? Let me see that!
Maybe I should just haul you downtown and fart on you in a small, windowless room.
My lawyer is the best in the business, and it's him you'll be farting on.

 

by boorite
11-01-04
Hi, I'm boorite the New Web Lackey.
Bob Rogers the Senior Analyst.
He does? Wow, you guys don't waste any time getting to the office gossip.
What?
Which one is Bob?
I'm also the Latent Homosexual Welcome Wagon. Care for a tour of the janitor's closet?

 

by boorite
11-05-04
One Arafat aide said that the Palestinian leader is "technically still alive."
Technically.

 

by boorite
11-08-04
The particle physics community has concluded that the universe is made of tiny pyramids built by invisble space-monkeys.
We could explain, but you wouldn't understand the math.
Any questions?

 

by boorite
11-09-04
I am going to fucking KILL every banking institution on the planet!
How can I help?
I need explosives.
No, no, no. You can't kill banks by blowing them up.
Believe me. I've tried.

 

by boorite
11-09-04
How are we supposed to destroy the banks, if not with explosives?
What you need is a gigantic electromagnetic pulse.
Either that, or to precipitate a reversal in the polarity of the Earth's magnetic field.
And that will kill the banks?
It will certainly make them feel ill.

 

by boorite
11-09-04
Reversing the polarity of the Earth's magnetic field sounds difficult.
It does pose challenges.
What else have you got?
You could try mobilizing the latent mass hatred of banks, but that's social engineering on an unprecedented scale.
Everyone needs to get hit at once with the same shit i did so the sheer absurdity drives them to rage.
That would do it. Villagers with torches and pitchforks, that sort of thing.

 

by boorite
11-09-04
Seems like it'd be easier to wipe out all life on Earth than to just kill the banks.
It would. Just how angry are you?
Really, really angry.
OK, then. We go to Plan B.

 

by boorite
11-09-04
Most of my plans for destroying the world also involve explosives and mobilizing mass hatred.
There's another way. If we can create a "strangelet" under laboratory conditions...
...then it's remotely possible that the entire Earth would turn into "strange matter."
And that would kill it?
Oh, yes. First, we'll need a particle accelerator about 50 or 60 miles in circumfrence.

 

by boorite
11-09-04
It so happens that I lack access to a supergiant superconducting supercollider. You?
Same here. I tried to make my own, but... damn zoning regulations!
Any more bright ideas not involving explosives?
Nope.
I need 100,000 bags of fertilizer and 9000 barrels of diesel fuel, and could you make it quick? I'm double-parked.

 

by boorite
11-11-04
Dumped by girlfriend
Damn, that was some cold shit.
Shot in the torso
Damn, that was some cold shit.
Forced to watch "About a Boy"
Damn, that was some shit shit.

 

by boorite
11-11-04
You should have credited me in your last strip. You could have at least used my avatar.
Jon's the wrong type. He's white.
Not just caucasian, but WHITE.
So am I.
Damn, that's some cold shit.

 

by boorite
11-12-04
Hey, have you--
SSHHH! I'm watching "Invasion of the Snatch Snatchers."
You're watching "About a Boy."
Don't tell anyone.

Showing page 17.

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