All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
7-28-04
Whatcha doing?
Making a screen saver.
Looks good. What the hell is it though?
I'm creating my own version of Microsoft's Flying Windows screen saver.
Oh my. Is that a animation of the Hindenburg going down in flames?
Fairly appropriate, ain't it?

 

by niteowl
7-28-04
Wow, look at how buff Carrot Top is!
Damn. He used to be skinny as a rail.
I suppose when your comedy career goes in the tank, there isn't much else to do but work out.
I wonder if blowing Jay Leno to get on the Tonight Show counts as working out.

 

by niteowl
7-28-04
Did you say get on the Tonight Show, or be a regular on the Tonight Show?
Get on the Tonight Show. Why?
Because it seems like they've got Carrot Top sequestered in some dark backroom somewhere, ready to go on instantly if a scheduled guest doesn't show up.
He's like Jay Leno's fluffer.

 

by niteowl
7-29-04
I had this dream last night. I was in a room filled with midget clowns, and they all looked like Billy Barty.
Then they started barking like dogs and used the Jedi Mind Trick to will me to take off all my clothes. What do you think that means?
It means you're fucked in the head.
I mean besides that!

 

by niteowl
7-31-04
MMMMMMMM AH!
Oh my god, I can't believe you just took a crap in Satan's underwear drawer!
Relax. Satan and I always play practical jokes on eachother. Besides, how could he possibly top this one?
I don't know ... Satan's pretty crafty ...
So, how's the experiment coming, doc?
All done, sir. The extended period pill you requested is now a reality. It'll make any fertile woman bleed for a month straight.

 

by niteowl
7-31-04
Hey! What are you doing up there?
I'm jumping off this roof, and don't you even dare to try and stop me!
Alright, kid....just calm down and-
Say, your little brother is down here and said hurry up and jump already, he wants your XBox.
Ok, now I have a reason to live. I'm coming down.

 

by niteowl
8-03-04
From saveatthepump.com
To receive your free $100 gasoline coupons, you must 1) submit email and mailing address information; 2) review special offers and complete requested surveys;
3) complete a sponsor offer of your choice on final page; 4) follow coupon redemption instructions; 5) agree to be bombarded with tons of spam;
6) not disable the spyware we will install on your computer; 7) sell your firstborn child into slavery. Please send $105 and a SASE to cover S&H charges.
$100 in free gas, what a deal!

 

by niteowl
8-04-04
Bum me a cigarette.
You *borrow* a cig from me everyday.
I'll pay you back tomorrow.
You say that every time. You already owe me at least 4 cartons' worth.
C'mon man, I'm dying for one over here!
Fine. I'll help speed up the process then.

 

by niteowl
8-05-04
Hello up there. I am Officer Jones, Minneapolis police department. Please come down, or we will be forced to take drastic measures to get you down from there.
Rats! The cops are here!
You hear me up there, son?
Yeah. What's the big deal? I just want to end it all!
You need to come down because...well, to be brutally frank, you're holding up traffic.
Any news reporters show up yet?

 

by niteowl
8-05-04
C'mon kid, we all have bad days...
Shut up with your "Now I'm going try to gain confidence with the psycho by trying to relate to his pain" bullshit! I have demands and I want them met!
Demands? What the hell are you squawking about, boy?
I want a million dollars and a Corvette Convertible with leather interior, or I jump and mess up your pants legs real bad!
You're suicidal, not a terrorist! People who threaten to jump off the roof of a building don't get to make demands!
If I throw you a doughnut, will you go away and get me that million bucks, copper?

 

by niteowl
8-12-04
DAVID! GET YOUR ASS DOWN FROM THAT ROOF RIGHT NOW!
Fuck you!
OOH, YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH...
Hahaha!
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? WHAT'S SO GODDAMN FUNNY?
You just called yourself a bitch, Mom.

 

by niteowl
8-13-04
Did you see that the Iraqi soccer team beat Portugal yesterday?
Yeah.
I saw some replays, they've got some pretty quick guys on that team. Quite an upset, though.
I wouldn't call it an upset...
If you had to dodge bombs dropped by Coalition forces all day, your speed and agility would rise too.

 

by niteowl
8-14-04
Our top story tonight, a crazy kid is threatening to jump off the IDS building in downtown Minneapolis. Phil McCracken is live on the scene. Phil?
Thank you whore, I mean, Cora. I'm here with Matt. Tell me Matt, why are you going to jump off this building?
Because it's the tallest one in Minneapolis, dickhead.
So it's all a big stunt, eh? In my journalistic opinion, we've got someone here who's psycho enough to be a contender on Fear Factor.

 

by niteowl
8-14-04
It's not a stunt, I'm really going to commit suicide!
Sure you are. So Matt, when is that giant balloon going to get here?
What balloon?
You know, those big balloon stuntpeople use when they're jumping off buildings and things like that. What about a safety net?
You idiot. When I jump off here, I plan on dying, not bouncing off a fucking trampoline or hitting a safety net!
I tell ya, this kid has some huge cojones!

 

by niteowl
8-14-04
Cojones? What the hell are cojones?
I think it's French for tortillas.
Fuck this, I'm outta here.
Or maybe not...I dunno, I'm not hip on American cuisine...
AAAIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!
Hey, where are you going? You can't jump yet, the interview's not over! You're supposed to make your tearful plea to be saved!

 

by niteowl
8-14-04
Oh my God, the kid jumped! Without a safety net below him! And what's this? It looks like he landed on someone and...he's alive!
He landed on Rush Limbaugh, and it broke his fall! Looks like Rush is wandering the streets of Minneapolis looking to score cheap prescription drugs!
Oh shit, I hope that 7 second delay is on. We support the right-wing cause in this country, we can't report that.

 

by niteowl
8-14-04
So the final chapter of this epic tale has been written. Matt jumped, and didn't die.
It's a happy ending for all, especially us, since our ratings will go through the roof.
Hey McCracken! You asshole, the kid jumped because you annoyed him so much! How do you feel about that, jerkoff?
What do you care, he didn't land on you! And I'm gonna finally get that Pulitzer Prize I've been denied of for so many years.

 

by niteowl
8-14-04
9 months later...
The Pulitzer Prize for excellence in TV journalism goes to Phil McCracken of Channel 3 News in Minneapolis! Congratulations, Phil, c'mon up here!
Thank you, thank you. No no, you're too kind. Alright, I'd like to thank my producers, my family...and most importantly, I'd like to thank Matt.
*CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*
We need to have more suicidal kids do crazy things, because that's what great journalism is all about, showing the pain of life! Thank you very much!
*FAP FAP FAP FAP*

 

by niteowl
8-17-04
That's better.
No shit. I was starting to get a little woozy from balancing on the wrong foot.

 

by niteowl
8-22-04
While playing the new Hot Shots Golf Game...
"Emma is unlocked and now is a playable character!"
Excellent!
Hey man, I unlocked Emma! Totally skunked her!
Congrats dude, but I have one question...
Why would you want to use a character that you beat so thoroughly?

 

by niteowl
8-23-04
...listen to what the critics are saying...
"Tickles your funny bone! A heartwarming story the whole family can enjoy!"
Blah blah blah...gee, where have I heard those ringing endorsements before?
"The best animated film since Finding Nemo!"
Uh, Finding Nemo was released only a month ago...

 

by niteowl
8-25-04
Your name is Pants, right?
Correct! Say, that's weird...my name is Pants, you aren't wearing any pants...
So, you wanna try me on for size?
Shut up, you cunt.
Ok.

 

by niteowl
8-25-04
Ok, let's dispel some rumors here. I did not just lose my pants. I didn't eat them (though they are tasty), nor did they get stolen.
I like not wearing pants! Is that so wrong?
Yes.
Who asked you to chime in, bitch?
Hey, you called this meeting.

 

by niteowl
8-27-04
This guy on the radio this morning said that it's ok for guys to have sex before marriage, but if a woman does it she's a slut.
If that's true, who would he suggest that single guys fuck then? Men? Married women? Animals?
Maybe he's insinuating that single men should bang the single sluts before settling down with a good woman.
So he's saying that sluts aren't all that bad? Wouldn't a guy risk catching a disease from these loose women? What about-
Honey, stop it. You're making my head hurt. Keep it up, and this headache will last til about 8am tomorrow morning.

 

by niteowl
8-27-04
Ready to go, dude?
Yep, the car's all loaded up. AWW YEAH...ROAD TRIP BABY!
27 minutes later...
You're under arrest for doing 120mph in a school zone, punk. And your buddy had a bag of weed on him, so he's going downtown too.
Shit!
At least we were on the road for almost a half-hour before getting arrested.
Yeah, last year we didn't even make it out of the driveway before getting cuffed. This is the best road trip yet!

 

by niteowl
9-04-04
Honey, where's that funky looking pack of cigarettes? I want to save it, it might be a collector's item someday.
Well, I-
Huh?
It's in the garbage. I used to it to kill a spider last night.
Shit.
Did I mention it was a really, REALLY BIG spider? I think it even had fangs! It hissed at me!

 

by niteowl
9-05-04
Re-creating Ally Sheedy's dandruff scene in The Breakfast Club again, eh Russ?
If I don't pay homage to it, who will?

 

by niteowl
9-06-04
The Police - Walking On The Moon
Ow, my leg!
Those craters are a bitch, ain't they?
Pink Floyd - Eclipse
I dunno, I was really drunk at the time...
You're cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Foreigner - Girl On The Moon
God, are you there?
*beep beep beep* We're sorry, your call did not go through. Please hang up and try again.

 

by niteowl
9-09-04
God, are you there?
Yes, my child. What do you want now?
Were you at my house last night?
No, why would I be at your house?
Because I heard my mommy and daddy screaming your name and I figured you were there partying with them in their bedroom.
I wasn't there but I heard everyone else came though.

 

by niteowl
9-18-04
So how was your day?
Great. How was yours?
Excellent.
Cool.
You know, it's nice to be able to have a conversation with normal dialogue.
Right on. That whole "ARRR! Avast ye tallywacker smacking and walk the plank, bitch!" thing doesn't appeal to me.

 

by niteowl
9-18-04
*BURP*
Timmy, how many times have I told you that it's rude to burp in public?
But Mom, burping isn't fun unless you get attention from it.
Do you enjoy getting dirty looks from people because you're disgusting?
Well, did you enjoy the dirty looks you got at the store when you told the clerk she was a stupid douchebag?
I hope she burns in hell for refusing to take food stamps for that pack of Marlboros.

 

by niteowl
9-24-04
And we're here with the plaintiff, who lost today's verdict. Your thoughts?
What a joke. That's all it is, a big fucking joke!
I'd say you're not happy with Judge Wapner's verdict...
Fuck Wapner, ok? That damn dog destroys all my toys and doesn't even get a slap on the paw? It's a disgrace to the justice system in this country!
So what happens now? Will you and the defendant be able to live in peace?
Well, just wait 'til we get home, and he finds out I pissed all over that lame-ass sweater he is forced to wear all the time.

 

by niteowl
9-30-04
Inspired by mmyers...
Did you see the new Caution sign they put up next to the slitting machine?
Yeah. Man, is that gross or what?
stripcreator.com/comics/mmyers/251977
It's totally unrealistic though.
How so?
There would be a lot more blood. There was only like 3 drops of blood right next to the dangling fingers. There should've been blood squirting everywhere, like when a tampon malfunctions!
Check it out dude, you made everyone in the breakroom puke!

 

by niteowl
9-30-04
Father, why is masturbation considered a sin?
Son, have you ever masturbated?
Yes, I have. I'm sorry, Father.
Did you save the sperm to use later to impregnate a woman with?
No, I just used some tissues to clean up the-
SPERM, ER, BABY KILLER!

 

by niteowl
10-01-04
I appreciate the fact that his daughters have been so kind to my daughters in what has been a pretty hard experience for, I guess, young girls, seeing their dads out there campaigning.
And it's tough. And so I acknowledge that his daughters -- I've watched them. I've chuckled a few times at some of their comments. And...
I'm trying to put a leash on them.
Well, I know. I've learned not to do that.
What a soft-bellied wimp, letting his daughters do whatever the hell they want.
What an over-bearing asshole. It's no wonder those bimbos are drunk all the time.

 

by niteowl
10-05-04
*snarl*
Ooh...
*growl*
Oh my!
I'm watching you!
Oh Dick, you are SUCH a flirt!

 

by niteowl
10-17-04
This is dedicated to shows like Still Standing, King of Queens, According to Jim, etc.
Hey Honey...uh, I'm going to the bar to watch the game with the guys. Can we have sex when I get home?
You ask this question every week and every time you come home too drunk to stand up, let alone have sex.
I know, I know....I'm a disgusting slob who rarely takes the garbage out and spends all Saturday on the couch watching football. Why did you marry me?
You know why...
Uh, no...I don't.
I married you to boost your self-image. I make you look good because I'm so hot!

 

by niteowl
10-24-04
Say, have you seen video games these days? Wow, what a difference from when I was a kid...
January 2004.
In other news, video game sales in the U.S. reached a staggering $7 billion in 2003.
No, we've never seen video games. We've all been in a coma for the last 25 years.

 

by niteowl
10-24-04
"In this glass, is beer."
"It is the beer we make here at the Miller Brewing Company."
"It tastes good, is affordable, and will give you a nice buzz. Go buy some now. Thank you."
What kind of beer commercial is this? Where are the fast cars and chicks in bikinis?

 

by niteowl
10-30-04
During President Bush's speech in New Hampshire yesterday, protesters managed to work their way into the event.
They heckled Bush over the missing explosives in Iraq, but were escorted from the event soon after.
They can't even keep protesters out of their own rallies. Boy, I sure feel a whole lot safer.

 

by niteowl
10-30-04
10/3/04 - gnutella.com/news/14465
The Bush administration is expected to announce today a coordinated crackdown on the theft of U.S. intellectual property.
10/29/04 - cnn.com - Bush camp drops theme song
The Bush campaign said Friday it would stop using the 1970's hit "Still the One" at campaign rallies after the songwriter, no fan of the president...
...claimed the Republicans never got permission to use the song.

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
So who are you voting for?
I'll tell you who I'm voting for, John Kerry!
He will be a strong leader for this country, contrary to what the *other* side says. He will clean up this country and make things better for us.
Better health care. Job creation. Fighting the war on terror. Not pandering to special interests. Helping the middle cla-
Shut the hell up already. You're annoying.
Oh, now I suppose you'll say you liked me better when I kept quiet, right?

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
Let's just drop the whole politics discussion and talk about Halloween...
No, I think we should discuss who YOU are going to vote for!
I'm a squirrel, you bonehead. I can't vote.
Surely you were a human in a past life, so who WOULD you vote for if you could?

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
Ok, I'd vote for Bush.
Fool! Bush doesn't give a crap about the environment, something that should be near and dear to your heart.
What do you mean?
When Bush destroys the environment, how will you eat? How will you survive?
The same way I always have...by relying on suckers like you to throw food around this park for us animals.
Oh great, so now the burden is on US again!

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
Bush!
Kerry!

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
Hi God.
Uh, Hi Susie.
What the heck happened here?
To be honest, I got tired of certain people fighting over this stupid election, so I had to do something about it.
Good call. I'm tired of this election junk too.
Good thing you're young. You won't be able to get away with that kind of attitude when you're older.

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
Oct. 31, 2004
"I'm John Kerry, and I approve this message."
Man, fuck you. I don't care!
Nov. 1, 2004
"I'm President George W. Bush, and I approve this message."
DUDE, FUCK YOU TOO! I DON'T CARE!
Nov. 3, 2004 - Everything is back to normal.
♫ ..and those twins! And I love you too! ♫
Now this is more like it.

 

by niteowl
10-31-04
Dude, check her costume out. Dead ringer for that cracked out picture of Yasmine Bleeth on The Smoking Gun's website!
Oh man, I'm gonna go talk to her.
Hi there. I'd like to compliment you on your costume of a cracked out Yasmine Bleeth.
What costume? I AM Yasmine Bleeth!
Ok, well it was nice to meet you then. Later!
Hey, don't you want my autograph?

 

by niteowl
11-01-04
Let's take a look at what NHL players, owners, and TV analysts are up to during the lockout!
Don Cherry has discovered weblogging.
Look at this comment...must be one of those idiot foreigners.
"Ugly tie wearing mother fucker!"
Todd Bertuzzi joins the WWF.
Oh yeah? You want the piledriver too, biatch?

 

by niteowl
11-01-04
Petr Nedved.
There is no lockout going on, I'm holding out for the 124th time in my career.
Alexei Yashin.
There is no lockout going on, I'm holding out for the 237th time in my career.
Eric Lindros.
There is no lockout going on, my mommy and daddy just won't let me play!

Showing page 17.

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