All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
1-31-04
**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK**
Uh oh, it's the landlord.
RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
Jon says you can go.
Cool.
**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK**
Umm... how did that help our situation, again?
Wait a minute... this is my house!

 

by Scyess
2-11-04
Who is it?
Jon! This is a voice from your past!
Oh, wow! Am I going to be visited by three ghosts, who will show me my life?
No... I'm someone you knew before, and you can only hear my voice because I'm still behind the door.
So if I open the door I won't be able to hear you? Is that's what you're saying?
You read a lot of sci-fi, don't you?

 

by Scyess
2-11-04
Okay, I'm opening the door!
Do it! You cannot hide from the past you have chosen!
I can't believe you criticized me for being overly dramatic.
LOOK, JUST OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR ALREADY!

 

by Scyess
2-11-04
Okay. I'm going to open the door now.
Open it! Open it and see the piece of your life you left behind so many years ago!
Oh, come on. Like you didn't know it was me.
Sanna! Have you been letting Tataki lace my Ding Dongs with acid again?

 

by Scyess
2-22-04
Oh my gosh! Honey, come quick! The midget is broken!
The Hendersons will be here in an hour! What are we going to do?
Don't worry. I know just who to call.
The highest quality midgets are only a phone call away.
I dialed 1-800-MIDGETS! Just MIDGET, and forget it!
*sigh* I can't wait until Fantasy Island is hiring again.

 

by Scyess
2-22-04
Years ago, you put yourself under my tutelage to learn to attract women.
What? You? A dog? on a ball? That has to be the most rediculous thing --
-- I've, um... ever... h-
Oh my gosh! What a cute doggie! I'm going to give him a full-body rub down right now!
** rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub * rub **
So we're still on for the lessons, then?

 

by Scyess
3-02-04
If you want to get women like I can, you must do as I do.
Okay... here goes...
Hi!
***PUKE***
This is going to be harder than I thought.
Hey, she didn't beat me within an inch of my life! It's working already.

 

by Scyess
3-02-04
If you want to get women like I can, you must do as I do. Try again.
ARF! BARK! RUFF RUFF.
I'm sure there's a reason you're wearing green bikini briefs and barking at me, but I don't want to know it.
I told you you must wear the red sparkly star shirt, too.
Wouldn't that seem silly?

 

by Scyess
3-02-04
If you want to get women like I can, you must do as I do. I'll give you one more chance.
Would you like to see me balance on a ball, Samantha?
I'd like to see you ripped limb from limb so I can suck your fluids from all of them simultaneously.
I have failed.
Where's he going in such a hurry? Mortals sure don't know how to handle a compliment.

 

by Scyess
3-02-04
I'm bored. I need a change of scenery. Some excitement.
I think we should move.
If you move through that door, you can get to a whole different room.
Yeah, but that door's pretty far. I think I'll start with the couch.

 

by Scyess
3-08-04
Big plans for tonight?
Oh, yes. I plan to sit in the same clothes I've been wearing for four days and eat stale marshmallows and drink flat soda while surfing the Internet for free porn until dawn.
Um, what if you at least changed into clean clothes?
GAH! NO! DOES THAT MEAN I'D HAVE TO SHOWER??!?
Woah, there, partner! Baby steps.
Hold me.

 

by Scyess
3-08-04
What's the diagnosis, doc?
This is very interesting. Let me consult my associate.
Christ, Johnson! Did you even graduate high school? You wouldn't know a carcinoma from a carburetor! A hundred bucks says he's better in a week.
You're on, you old bastard.
Well?
I'm afraid I have to write you a prescription for potassium cyanide.

 

by Scyess
3-16-04
Yeah... so I was bangin' this three-year-old last night...
Dammit, Jim! Can't you keep your disgusting, perverted stories to yourself?
Aw, c'mon. It's a good story. Give it a chance.
Give it a chance?? You said you were banging a three year old!! How is that even PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE??!?
Woah... Mr. Jump The Gun. You ain't even asked me what species she was yet.
Great... now I can't figure out whether the story just got more or less offensive.

 

by Scyess
3-16-04
Yeah... so I was bangin' this three-year-old last night...
Dammit, Jim! What did I say about keeping your disgusting sex stories to yourself?
Dang it... what makes you think this is a sex story?
Because you just said you were banging a three-year-old!!!!
Oh, I didn't mean that. I was bangin' it against the table at Pasta Hut. Damned thing wouldn't stop screaming.
I don't know what's more revolting: you, or parents who bring screaming infants into restaraunts.

 

by Scyess
3-20-04
Orange County, CA, 2:00 pm
How much do these little houses go for around here?
In this run-down neighborhood? About $300K.
5:30 pm
These little houses are all $300K?
No, only the ones in run down neighborhoods. These are probably much more.
Of course, if this were actually OC, CA, there would be more smog, the scenery would be less diverse, there would be no black people, and this conversation would take place in a car.
This is a different neighborhood?
Yes. Can't you see some blades of grass are slanted nearly 3 more?

 

by Scyess
4-05-04
That bitch! I can't believe she left me. First she won't shut up, then she's gone!
I mean, she's the one who's always "Oh, can my mother live with us?" "Why can't I build pitfalls for the neighbor's kids?" "Why won't you tell me about your true identity?"
Time to find a new place for a drink.
I mean, why stay for 300 beatings and leave on the 301st?

 

by Scyess
4-09-04
Dude, I am totally down with Jesus
You are?
Totally. He was the original hippie, you know. With the funky clothes, the long hair, the tatoos, the body piercings...
Tatoos? Body piercings?
Okay, so I was a little drunk when I got the tatoo. And the body piercings weren't exactly on purpose, either...

 

by Scyess
4-20-04
Have you seen my Poona, breakfast bars for women?
YES! I ate them all to protest products that are marketed to women! Men should get to use them, too!
What about Monostat-7?
YES, EVEN MONO-, um, what is that, some sort of herbicide?
It's toothpaste.
FROM NOW ON I WILL BRUSH WITH NOTHING BUT MONOSTAT-7!!!

 

by Scyess
4-20-04
BLEAH! This stuff tastes awful!
It's just gross. Are you sure Monostat-7 is toothpaste?
Oh, yeah. It's specially designed so only women like the taste.
That's so evil! I will continue to use it in protest, even though because of it I have lost all ability to eat bread and other levened products.
I've just had a great, if somewhat disgusting, idea for a new applicator.

 

by Scyess
4-20-04
Hey, Tataki. What do you think is my most attractive feature?
Um, I don't know. Your tie.
That's not really my feature. It's more like an accessory.
Oh. Um, your face, I guess.
She wants me.
But it's still less attractive than being run over by a tractor.

 

by Scyess
5-25-04
I've started to really like doing crosswords. I almost finished yesterday's.
Oh, yeah? Cool. What was 7 down?
Uh, what? I don't know. Who would remember that?
Well, what's the point of doing something if you don't remember it when you're finished?
Thank you for exposing yet another triviality that otherwise would have been a source of pleasure.
That reminds me. It's your turn to clean the bathroom.

 

by Scyess
6-14-04
Hey, there sexy. I have an urge...
I have reservations.
I have questions.
You don't have horse-sized condoms.
You have quite an ego.
No, I have the Internet and you have a familiar face.

 

by Scyess
6-20-04
Dammit, I'm tired of this. Give me one reason I shouldn't go out there right now and find the girl of my dreams.
You're a loser.
Game of Bubble Bobble?
Love to.

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
I've decided to take the noble course. I'm going to risk it all!
I'm going to quit my job, leave my wife, and move away from my friends to a remote desert island to persue my art!
You have no job, wife, or friends. You also have no artistic talent, and remote desert islands generally have no Internet access.
Oh. Then I guess I'm just going to play Bubble Bobble.
You can nobly keep the electric company in business.

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
Jim, lately I've felt the urge to seriously change my life.
... to strike out in new ways. To persue new dreams. To live on the edge.
Well...
...and though I value your opinion, please, for Christ's sake, leave out any encouraging advice involving liederhosen.
Oh. Then never mind.

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
I've been talking to my friends lately about a need for a change in my life, but I haven't met with much encouragement.
Uh, I'm Brad Pitt.
Yes. ...or did you specifically want a positive change?

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
You don't seem happy.
Why should I be happy? You turned me into Brad Pitt? What do you want? The wave?
Okay, now you're Brad Pitt, only with a bigger schlong.
NOW you're talking.

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
Hey, Tataki. I'll bet you couldn't help but notice that I'm Brad Pitt.
HAAAIIYAAAA!
GAH!!!
Bummer you got beaten up by a little girl. Did you mention you're Brad Pitt?
Oh, gee... I never would've thought of that.

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
Hey, you're Brad Pitt! Oh my gosh! You turn me on so much! Talk like you did in Two Smoking Barrels!
Oh, sure! Froogin Feelin rarnin bornin fornin yornin!
Oh. That's really more like the Sweedish Chef from the muppets. I am so turned off. I'm sorry... I... I have to go.
You know, sometimes it sucks even to be Brad Pitt.
Brad who?

 

by Scyess
7-18-04
Samantha, since you turned me into Brad Pitt, I've learned that celebrity, riches, and a larger schlong are not the key to happiness.
Very good, Jon. You've gained much wisdom.
I will now bring your back to your old life.
Wait! Wait! I didn't say it's not better than my own life!
...and I never said I was trying to help you.

 

by Scyess
7-20-04
I walked in on my wife screwing my best friend tonight.
Wow. It doesn't get much lower than that.
My best friend is my dog, Chloe. And that bitch told me I was the only one for her...
Uh...
My wife told me the same thing!
Check, please.

 

by Scyess
8-01-04
Hi. I noticed you from across the room. I like to leer at women from a distance from dark corners.
I'm nearly employed and self absorbed. I can't say I have any money, but I have an attention span that makes my penis look huge by comparison. I have naked pictures of my mother.
I'm beginning to think your pick-up line sucks, Jim.
Naw, it must be your delivery. Try it on the tall broad with the security guards.

 

by Scyess
10-04-04
Hi, Sanna.
DAMN! What is that smell? Is that you? What, have you been hanging out in a shit factory? Get a job trying out Eau de Shit perfume?
Did you just eat a bucket of chicken McShitlets? You reek! If shit could shit, you'd be the shit the shit shat.
...and they say the art of conversation is dead.
I'm just hoping no shit hearing this is getting offended.

 

by Scyess
10-24-04
Earl! Where have you been?
In preparation for my greatest writing, I took a sabatical away from television, movies, radio, pop culture and civilization in order to cleanse my mind. It will be my masterpiece.
I got nuthin'.
Don't worry. Even Jay Leno isn't much without the latest copy of People.

 

by Scyess
10-24-04
Why is Earl looking so depressed these days?
It's a long story. Basically, he's unable to write his masterpiece without using trite and fleeting references to pop culture.
That's dumb. EARL! YOU'D BETTER CHEER THE HELL UP OR I'LL EAT YOUR ORGANS FROM THE INSIDE OUT!
Why is Earl looking so terrified these days?
It's a long story.

 

by Scyess
10-29-04
Bad: John Kerry
By raising taxes on the rich -- who we all know are baby-eating scum -- I will give you free healthcare and guarenteed employment forever and personally come over and wipe your ass for you every day.
Worse: Dubya
Taxes hell! I'll cut your taxes and increase spending and fuck all where the money comes from! Oh, and terrorists!
Worst: Being forced to make the difficult choice.
Let's see... should I move to Canada, or Fiji?

 

by Scyess
10-30-04
My neck is kind of stiff.
Oh, my. I'm going to recommend months of therapy followed by amputation, then more therapy.
Um, I don't have any insurance...
Oh. Then I'm going to recommend you find a nice book on neck care and stop wasting my time.
I'd Xerox you some copies of my book, but I doubt you could afford my hourly rate.

 

by Scyess
10-30-04
My neck is kind of stiff...
Whine whine whine!
Take this, whine-boy! HAAAIIYYAA!!
I can't seem to find my spleen...
Whine whine whine!

 

by Scyess
10-30-04
Hey, Cowdjinn. What's up?
*sigh* Please don't wait until you think of a witty way to take that phrase literally before you answer...
Gah! Need... more... time...

 

by Scyess
11-03-04
I may not be rich, or handsome, or exceedingly clever... I might not have the girls, or the style, or the record and movie deals...
...but I am unique!
Unique? Oh, yeah. That's original.

 

by Scyess
11-04-04
At Futerast Daycare, we know every child is special.
Isn't that impossible? I mean, "special" means there's something distinguishing about it.
But if every one is "special," they're all the same. Therefore, they can't be special. The very essence of your so-called "knowledge" is paradoxical.
I think I know why you don't have any kids.

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
I'm pretty bored. Should we call Jon?
I'm feeling a bit bored myself. Why not?
Thanks for calling, guys, but I'm right in the middle of arranging my socks in alphabetical order by color and fabric.
Well, at least now I feel less bored.
That man is chairman of the bored.

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
Aha! I have found you at last! You have cleverly disgused yourself as me, I see.
But to no avail! I will vanquish you and free your captive Women Who Would Go Out with Me!
I think there's a simpler explanation why you can't find anyone to go out with someone who puts on a super-hero outfit and plays in front of his mirror.
Do you mind? You're totally ruining the mood.

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
You're right. It's time to stop pretending to be a hero and go out and actually meet some women.
You might want to take off that rediculous outfit, first.
...or should I have said that half an hour ago as he was leaving?
Nah.

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
...hi!
AAAAAHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I don't get it. I can't get any phone numbers, but they all respond well to my witty humor.
What if you cut the crotch out of the suit?

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
I think I've tried everything. I just don't know how to meet women.
Do you really need to meet more women? I mean, you already know me!
Do... uh... you mean that you... and me... uh...
Oh, that? Hell, no. I thought you were just trying to choose friends by demographic.

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
... so I should choose friends based on the statistics of the surrounding population?
Oh, ya. How can you live in a city where 37% of the people are black, and not have 37% of your friends be black?
Well, they just kind of aren't.
Then you need to get moving. That 37% isn't going to make itself.
No, I don't think my skin is a particularly African shade of green.
Please! I have to fit you into one of these 900 categories, and that's the one I need most!

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
I've come to realize that my friends don't really match the population demographics for our area.
For example, 50% of the area population are women, were as my friends tend to be cowboys, pink cattle, demonic subcreatures, or aliens.
At least you have those categories covered.
I think you'd be surprised how small a demographic they are.

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
Can I help you?
Yes. Are you black?
Um...
You see, I don't really have any black friends, and according to regional statistics, at least 37% of my friends should be black.
37% of zero is still zero.
Does this mean you're not interested in "chillin'" at my "crib"?

 

by Scyess
11-06-04
I feel woefully inadequate that my friends don't match population trends in my area.
Hi. I'm a black, handicapped, gay Jew. Wanna go get a beer?
I don't really drink beer. Wanna go play Bubble Bobble?
Dammit, why can't I find just one straight, white goy who isn't a huge loser?

Showing page 18.

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