All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
11-01-04
Mario Lemieux's head exploded because he didn't know which side to take in the stalemate.
Pat Burns returned to his old profession, Toronto police officer.
200 laps around the Air Canada Centre, that's your punishment.
Capitals owner Ted Leonsis has time to contemplate which was a worse business deal, merging AOL with Time Warner, or spending all that money on the Caps only to see them choke every year.

 

by niteowl
11-01-04
Mark Messier is using his extra time to bang even more supermodels and pop stars.
Madonna was pretty tame in bed, actually.
Rob Ray was murdered by an angry horde of current NHLers after he proclaimed he'd "cross the line" and play if the NHL decided to use replacement players.
I'm Trevor Linden, president of the NHLPA, and I approve this message.
Bobby Clarke is STILL looking for a goaltender.
Hello, Patrick? Bob Clarke here. Wanna come out of retirement and play for us? I know we're not as good as your Avs and Habs were...

 

by niteowl
11-01-04
Mike Modano is still talkin' shit about Minnesota.
The chicks in Minnesota didn't put out. They sure do in Texas, though. God bless Norm Green!
Chris Chelios hired a man, dressed as a referee, to follow him around 24-7 so he'd have someone to bitch and complain to.
HEY FRASER, WHERE'S MY BOTTLE? I'M HUNGRY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Glen Sather of the Rangers sank into a deep depression since he had all that money laying around, and couldn't spend it.
God, please answer my prayers and let the players win this fight. No salary cap.

 

by niteowl
11-04-04
I think that in all the states that each candidate won, each candidate should be elected President of.
Hmm, now that's a good idea...
*START DREAM SEQUENCE*
...and because of the new Presidential setup in the US, there has been a mass exodus on both sides. Democrats in red states are moving to the blue, and vice versa.
In other news, U-Haul has become the richest company in the United States.

 

by niteowl
11-04-04
I'm President John Kerry of the Blue States of America. Today, we start a new life together. One with hopes and dreams, hard work and inevitable struggles.
But I am confident that we will be a great country, a free country. A country where you are free to think on your own and not have lies force fed to you.
"Tonight's Blue Presidential Address is sponsored by Heinz. Buy more Heinz ketchup. NOW!"

 

by niteowl
11-04-04
GW in his televised speech to the Red States.
I'm President George W. Bush. I am standing in the middle of an open field because I was kicked out of the White House due to liberal bullshit.
What a fucking joke, I mean, who the hell do these liberal jerkoffs think they are? Ah well, they'll get theirs when they burn in hell. Fucking sinners, every one of th-
Mr President, let me remind you that the FCC is still under our control and that you are breaking the law with your profanity laced rant.
Aww shit. Another government entity I have to destroy.
You aren't planning a wardrobe malfunction too, are you Mr. President?

 

by niteowl
11-04-04
On the Blue side...
I need to buy a weightlifting set.
WHAT? Are you insane? Only boneheaded conservative jock types lift weights!
But I-
No buts! You are not buying a weightlifting set!
But my sign carrying arm is atrophying because there's nothing protest over here. How am I supposed to build up my arm strength again?
Try masturbating more, you frigid bitch!

 

by niteowl
11-04-04
On the Red side, GW is still giving his Presidential Address.
FUCK SHIT PISS COCKSUCKER MOTHER FUCKER DIRTY BASTARD WHORE SLUT
Now that's what I call a rant!
Yessuh, but it ain't as good as that thar Cheney's speech the other day. That boy really knows how'ta string together some dirty words.

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
On the Blue side...
I just heard a rumor that the Red States are planning an unprovoked attack on us.
So, would that make them terrorists?
I guess so. Terrorists target and kill innocent people.
...and according to the neo-cons over there, we support terrorism, right?
Ooh, the irony is delicious, isn't it?
Tasty, yummy, and good, good, good. Mm Mmm!

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
Hey you, in the back. Shut up. I'm speaking here. Don't make us throw you to the wolves. Alrighty, so yes the rumors are true...
We are planning a pre-emptive strike on the Blue States. We just cannot afford to have baby killers and fags in the USA, no matter if they're on *that* side or not.
Amen! We don' need'ta have'ta worry about 'dem 'dere homos stealing our hubbys away from us!
Now that's the spirit!
Oh my Lord, I need'ta go to church. Just thinkin' about 'dem queers makes me feel all icky and dirty and I need'ta be cleansed.

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
Today's news from the Red States, we are going to bomb the shit out of them wimpy limp-wristed freaks on the other side.
In the news from the Blue States, we are going to be attacked. No big deal though, let's all go pick some flowers and sing Kumbaya!
In this journalist's opinion, those scumbags need to be eradicated. Traitors, baby killers, fags, immoral Satan worshippers, all of them!
In this journalist's opinion, they're a bunch of morons over there. No brains whatsoever. No wonder they're so easily led.
In other news, unemployment here has hit a record high of 92%, since most jobs are being sent overseas.
In other news, unemployment here has hit a record high of 91%, since most of us would rather sit around and smoke pot all day.

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
Hello Father, how's it going?
Great. With all the talk of defeating terrorism in the form of those filthy Blue Americans, everybody is going to church even more now!
I wish I could say things are better for me, but I haven't had to beat up a protester yet over here, because no one protests anything. Kinda depressing.
It's alright, my son. I imagine you get a lot of domestics and drunk driving calls though, right?
Yes I do, so things aren't that boring around here. And it is nice being able to just let them go too. So what if a guy beats the hell out of his wife, or kills someone while driving drunk?
Forgiveness is divine, unless you're talking about forgiving a pablum-puking liberal.

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
Hey, you're Michael Moore!
That's right.
Are you ok, man?
Yeah, I'm just a little sad today.
Why?
Just wondering what I'll do with my life now that making documentaries that expose the evil of Republicans is out of the question.

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
My fellow Americans. As I'm sure you've heard, we will not be invading the Blue States any time soon.
But why, Mr President?
Because it would interfere with my vacation!
HAHAHAHA! Now that's a good one, Mr President.
I wasn't joking.
You are a funny guy, Mr President. C'mon, let's hear some more jokes about homos!

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
The real reason why we're not invading is because our country is broke.
Broke? How can we be broke? We ARE the Haves and the Have Mores!
Well, since almost all our companies moved overseas, they no longer pay taxes. Thus, no income for our great country.
Aww fuck.
I'm afraid we're going to have to merge with the Blue states to survive. We're just going to have to go back to the way things were before the election.
NO! I'D RATHER MOVE TO CANADA! OR MEXICO!

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
Did you hear the news? The Red States want to merge with us. We're gonna be just one country, like it used to be.
Oof.
At least there'll be rules to break.
Things to protest.
And the best part, awesome weed to smoke again.
No kidding. That genetically engineered 'dro we used to get from the government was the fucking bomb.

 

by niteowl
11-05-04
So how did the series pan out?
Well, it consisted of a lot of bickering, backstabbing and threats, with no decent resolution whatsoever.
Sounds like a fight on an internet message board.
Word.

 

by niteowl
11-12-04
I had the worst nightmare last night, I was supposed to do a scene in a suit of armor...
HELP ME! I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS SUIT! HELLLLPPPPP!
CUT! Jenna, calm down. Could someone get the can opener? Be careful cutting her out around her boobs though, we don't want to pop one.
I mean, how am I supposed to do my double penetration scene by the ocean dressed like that? And with that helmet on, I couldn't even go down on anyone! Oh my God, it was horrible!
Hey boss...we should put the ball gag, chains, and the chastity belt away. I doubt Jenna's gonna want to do THAT scene today.

 

by niteowl
11-12-04
AAAAGGGHHH!
George, honey...what is it? Are you ok?
Yeah Laura, I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamt I was...
...that you were a gay actor in a Broadway musical, prancing around and singing?
Yep. 3rd time this week I've had that dream.
I'm guessing you need to prove to me you're a man again...let me get undressed.

 

by niteowl
11-17-04
Metallica's new album has only sold 4 copies this week, but has been downloaded 1,237,465 times on various filesharing programs.
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
My God, that was a bad one...
...almost as bad as that nightmare I had back in '87 about cutting off all my hair and writing hit singles.

 

by niteowl
11-17-04
Aw shit, another nightmare where I'm falling. Thankfully I know I'm dreaming, so maybe I can change things.
I got it, I'll change into a bird and fly away before I hit the ground!
Damn it.

 

by niteowl
11-20-04
Only 4 more days until Thanksgiving...
I can't wait until the day after, Christmas shopping rules! Perhaps you'd like to come with on Friday?
Perhaps you'd like a punch in the throat.
Your lack of Christmas spirit disturbs me.

 

by niteowl
11-20-04
The only redeeming quality of shopping the day after Thanksgiving, is that stores will be so crowded, cute guys will be everywhere.
So why won't you go?
The nasty old men who hit on us. That ruins the fun of ogling the hotties.
Oh, for fucks sake...
What?
You really are a prude, aren't you? To think that all this time, I thought it was just an act.

 

by niteowl
11-20-04
An act? What the hell do you mean by that?
You project an aura of unapproachability. You scare guys away because you're so stuck up.
Oh whatever.
It's true. Sometimes you act like your shit don't stink.
I wouldn't know about that since you wrecked my sense of smell by punching me in the nose for talking to some guy you liked.
Jesus Christ, are you ever gonna get over that? How many times do I have to apologize?

 

by niteowl
11-20-04
Fine, you bitch. I'll go shopping with you on Friday. I'll prove to you I'm not some stuck up twat.
Does that means you'll actually smile at a guy instead of flipping him the bird like you usually do?
Yes.
Ok, good. By the way, you can stop gritting your teeth now.
Walmart - Bringing folks together in your community in the name of crass holiday commercialization and greed.

 

by niteowl
11-25-04
Did you hear about that hunter from Minnesota who gunned down all those hunters in Wisconsin?
Yep. What a crying shame.
HAHAHAHA!
HOHOHOHOHOHO HAHAHAHA!
Speaking of crying...Look, I got tears!
Tears of laughter still count as tears, right?

 

by niteowl
11-26-04
Why didn't you just stab that kid in the heart when he stole your lunch money?
Forget the pockets. You gotta pull that string of handkerchiefs out your ass to really get a laugh at a kids' birthday party.
But Dad...it chafes!
For our next vacation, we're going camping out in the middle of nowhere. No TV, radio, internet, or heat for a full 2 weeks.

 

by niteowl
11-29-04
...be careful not to break your arm patting yourself on the back for finishing the game.
You're just jealous because you don't have the internet and can't get any cheat codes of your own.
Your application says that you were in Vietnam. I find that hard to believe since you're only 33.
I was a twinkle in my daddy's eye when he was over there killing...and seducing the ladies.
Whaddya mean I got a D- on the test? I made sure I cheated off of Johnny's paper!
Johnny's failed 5th grade 8 times. Haven't you ever wondered why he's the only 5th grader with a goatee?

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
4:45am
I hate getting up this early.
Screw work, I think I'll just hide here under the covers all day.
Honey, are you going to work today or not?
I can't go today, I'm suffering from an extreme case of Maximus Laziness.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
C'mon dear, you can do it. Just get up, go to work, and get it over with.
You know what, I wish I was a movie star. Movie stars don't have to get up this early to go to a job they hate.
But they're probably on the set 14 hours a day.
...and they get paid $20 million a picture...
Ugh, men...Do you always have to be so difficult?
See, if I was getting paid $20 million to kill bad guys, drive fast cars, and kiss hot chicks, I'd have no problem getting up.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
Well, I'm going to work. Someone has to make some money around here.
Ok, bye dear. Have a good day.
It's about time she left, sheesh. Now I can get back to more important things, like sleeping.
I haven't left yet, you ass. I was just putting on my shoes.
Oops. Uh, I hope they're on your feet right now and not aimed at my head.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
*THUMP THUMP THUMP*
It's amazing that the boss wasn't pissed that I called in...what the hell is that noise?
Ahem...
Mom? What are you doing here?
I heard you didn't show up for work today, so I came over and I ran up here because I thought you were dead...there was an awful odor when I came in...
Sorry Mom. I farted.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
...and you should stop being a bum and get your ass up and go to work. Anyways, I gotta go. Bye.
Bye mom.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is with these women today, giving me a hard time because I need a day off...
Um...are you still here, Mom?

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
8:32am
Damnit, I gotta pee.
How am I supposed to go if I'm too lazy to get up?
Hmm, there is an empty Mountain Dew bottle under the bed...

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
11:35am
*THUMP THUMP THUMP*
Who the hell is here now?!?!?
Hey baby...I'm here. Here to take you to heaven.
You mean sex? Not gonna happen with me.
Why not?
Because having sex would involve movement on my part.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
Oh come on, baby. Let's have some fun!
Will you please go away?
FINE! Later, ASSHOLE!
Bye. Have a wonderful, great, and thoroughly peachy day.
Funny, I don't recall ordering hooker for lunch today.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
12:58pm
Hello.
Can I help you? Any particular reason why you've decided to break into my house?
I didn't break in, the door was unlocked.
Anyways...I'm a terrorist, and I'm here to terrorize you...or something.
Ok then, just as long as you didn't break in, because that is really wrong.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
So, how are you going to terrorize me? What's your plan...your strategy?
I have the "Glitter" DVD. We're going to watch it over and over until your eyes bleed.
Oof, now that's cruel and unusual punishment. Too bad the DVD player is broke.
Damn it.
Say, do you want a drink? I've got a bottle of Mountain Dew over here on the other side of the bed.

 

by niteowl
11-30-04
Since your DVD player is broken, I'm gonna go. Thank you for the Mountain Dew. You're not bad for a dirty capitalist scumbag.
Thanks. You're not bad for a psychopathic murderer.
You sure you don't want to come help me blow up the local Walmart?
Tempting...but I've had a really busy day and I'm exhausted. Singe a few mullets for me though.

 

by niteowl
12-01-04
I'm so tired of having my relaxing day off interrupted by idiots, I could just scream.
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Wanna keep it down to a dull roar in here?
I hate you, Mr. Talking Lamp.

 

by niteowl
12-01-04
4:30pm
I wish the TV was in here.
A little porn would put me in a better mood.
Of course, you could've had a BJ for real a couple hours ago...
I'd like to make another wish. I wish you were a lava lamp. Lava lamps are soothing and not nearly as sarcastic.

 

by niteowl
12-01-04
5:15pm
Honey, I'm home. Are you still upstairs?
Yeah.
Did you spend all day in bed?
Yep, and it sucked ass. I should've went to work.
Why?
Because I rarely have to endure the amount of abuse there that I did here today.

 

by niteowl
12-04-04
Dad, how come you and Mom aren't together?
We're just too different, son.
How? Give me an example.
A while ago we watched the movie This Is Spinal Tap together. She didn't understand what was so funny about it. She didn't "get it".
30 minutes later.
...and then she dragged me kicking and screaming to see Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot...

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
To clarify, the company I work for has 5 different offices/manufacturing areas.
Thanks for taking the time to come over, I know you're a busy man.
How would you know, boss? You work in a different building than I do...I see you maybe once a month.
I've talked with a few supervisors over there, and they all had nothing but good things to say about you.
Bribery is a beautiful thing.
Alright, so let's get to it...
Yes, let's hurry it up. I need a cigarette.

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
Your attendance has been good the past year.
...except for the 14 days I missed because I was in a back alley shooting up and getting head from a hooker.
As you probably already know, it is a company requirement to have 8 hours of training, and you had...
Wow, you've had 23 hours of training the past year!
That's because training sessions are a great way to catch a few Z's.

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
...you have displayed an eagerness to learn new tasks.
I didn't know eagerness meant being dragged out of my chair.
You do your job well, without complaint and in a professional manner...
Now I know you haven't seen me work...
..except when you're in a bad mood, that is. Haha!
The only time I'm ever in a bad mood is when I'm pulled off of break to do someone else's job.

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
Now before we go on, I will say that you received satisfactory or above satisfactory ratings in all categories except one.
Oh shit, here we go. Pink slip time.
The cost savings ideas, or lack of them. We need ideas that will save the company money.
You need to submit some. Or at least one.
I got a great cost savings idea. Close the doors on this motherfucker so I can collect unemployment, get drunk, and play video games all day.

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
One thing that people have said that really impresses me is that you get the job done without constant supervision.
I often wonder what being supervised is like.
You are willing to help out others when they need it...
That's only because my legs fall asleep from sitting in my chair for hours on end. Sometimes you gotta get up and shake it off.
...and you always keep busy. I never get calls from you saying that you have nothing to do.
Two words : The Internet.

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
All in all, we're very happy with the job you do.
Great. So when do I get to take over the CEO's office?
Based on your overall rating, you will get a 3 1/2 percent raise...
Oh joy, I can buy an extra package of hotdogs and an extra bottle of Boone's Farm every 2 weeks...
...which is about 50 cents per hour.
...or maybe I'll invest all that big cash I'm gonna be making. I better run out and buy a huge piggy bank tonight after work.

 

by niteowl
12-07-04
That's it. So, do you have any questions, comments...jokes?
I got a joke. There's this guy who works his ass off and gets a measly 50 cent raise. Then this guy brings a shotgun to work and-
Um, nope.
See, that's what I like about you. You're so quiet, reserved, never stir up any trouble...
Can I get back to my desk now? I'm wasting valuable net surfing time.

Showing page 18.

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