All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
4-11-05
GET OFF ME!!! YOU BASTARD!!! I'LL SCREAM!!! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SCREAM!!!
Well, another quiet night has descended into carnage and bloodshed. And all because Russell spotted another human being.
LET GO OF MY PANTIES!!! WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER ARE YOU??! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
At first I found his bad boy ways sexy. And I fooled myself that beneath that adamantine exterior pulsed the melancholy heart of a poet. A man who...who could let me...in.
How does he attain such a high pitch?
Cheque, please.

 

by andydougan
4-12-05
Chez Crowe
Where am I?
You're in our house. You started a fight, lost it, and had your broken body dragged out of the bar by the pubic hair. It was a completely vile spectacle.
Well, whoever it was, I'm sure they had it coming to them.
What? You're the one who got your ass beat. Your opponent escaped without a scratch on her.
Uh...there weren't any photographers around, were there?
I'll let this week's Time answer that one.

 

by andydougan
4-17-05
Hard man actor Russell Crowe gets his cunt kicked in! Andrew Marr is on the scene! Andrew!
I'm here with Ina Vag, dubbed "The Router of Rusty" by the Wall Street Journal! Mrs Vag, how does it feel to be famous for fifteen seconds?
I'm just disappointed that Russell turned out to be so nasty. He seemed really sensitive in Romper Stomper.
Is that the one where he played a muscly guy?
Are the fifteen seconds up yet?

 

by andydougan
4-22-05
So you were in hospital again. It must be bad being such a lousy fucking alcoholic.
It is. And I'll be sure to make light of your suffering some time.
You made light of it plenty when I got refused a job as a human toilet because they didn't think my personal hygiene was up to scratch.
Oh yeah. That was a good one.
And the time Fat Doris turned me down for that harlequin foetus.
Classic.

 

by andydougan
4-24-05
If there's anything better than drinking half a litre of whisky in an hour and then listening to To Live is to Die followed by Dyers Eve, I don't want to hear about it.
Well...
I SAID I don't want to hear about it!
I think I'm getting the DTs.
Spare me your fucking life story.

 

by andydougan
4-24-05
So how are you these days?
As it happens, I've got a bit of a predicament. You see, this 20-year-old girl wants to have sex with me, and I can't decide if I should or not.
Boy, that is a predicament. I wonder why the world reserves such sympathy for the victims of the Janjaweed when there's people like you around.
Suck me, fucker!
At least he had a witty comeback.

 

by andydougan
4-24-05
You must help me. I'm dying of AIDS.
And let me guess: you want me to give you a last blowjob?
Well...yes...
Sorry, pal. I'm not falling for that old line again.
Do you want to see my swollen lymph nodes?

 

by andydougan
4-30-05
Hi. Could I
Fuck off.
For fuck's sake. I just wanted to buy you a drink.
Like fuck. You saw me and thought "fucking her would really impress my friends". Well, I've got fucking news for you. The only thing you're going to fuck is right off.
I don't believe it. He's actually having a conversation with a woman.
It must just be someone who looks like him.

 

by andydougan
5-03-05
Now, son. Soon you may start to notice that girls are, er, different from you.
Sorry, I'm having trouble paying attention. I just did a line of heroin out of a 17-year-old prom queen's vaginal cleft.
What a miserable excuse for a comic this is.
BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!!!

 

by andydougan
5-06-05
Reg Keys, Iraq war father, fails to unseat Tony Blair
Loser! LOOOOOOSRRRRRRR!
God! First you lose your son, now you lose your election! You just can't stop losing, can you?
Well...your majority fell.
Yeah, I'm the loser here.

 

by andydougan
5-08-05
Disaster for Geoff Hoon
*sniff* *sniff*
Hey, what's the matter?
I've been demoted to Leader of the House. And apparently "Leader of the House" is a polite way of saying "kiss goodbye to your arse, tits and cuntflaps".
Damn, that's some cold shit.
I can only hope I've secured my place in history.
Now might not be the best time to ask his name.

 

by andydougan
5-10-05
They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
WHO? WHO FUCKING SAYS THAT?!
I dunno. Some cunt.
Hooray! Now I know that, I can die a happy man!
And then he exploded in a shower of pus?
It was just his time.

 

by andydougan
5-13-05
You sure say "cunt" a lot in your comics.
Yeah, that's because it makes me feel I'm being rebellious, and it has none of the consequences that actually defying authority would.
You know, pre-empting criticism doesn't render it invalid.
Cunt off.

 

by andydougan
5-28-05
Ah'd pure like to fuck the Corrs, byraway.
It must be crap being the brother out of the Corrs. Everyone forgets he exists.
Not me.

 

by andydougan
5-31-05
Wow, you sure got fat fast. You're really fat. Fatso.
You're so fat, you've got three birthdays! You're so fat, you can't even jump to conclusions! You're so fat, when you fell in love, you broke it!
Aren't you supposed to be in rehab?
Oh shit, yeah.

 

by andydougan
6-07-05
...body count in the millions in Darfur. And now back to our main story. Russel Crowe was arrested yesterday in New York for throwing telephones at people. Mark Mardell is on the scene.
Gah! It's RUSSELL Crowe! Two Ls! Why does everyone make that mistake? Is it that difficult to get right?
Meanwhile, in Sudan
So how's married life treating you?
Well, the sex is pretty much sewn up.

 

by andydougan
6-07-05
Christian Slater and Russell Crowe, incarcerated actors
What are you in for?
I threw a telephone at the face of a concierge who wasn't sufficiently deferent. You?
Ah, I sexually assaulted this old woman. And despite my repeated threats of violence, she's pressing charges (ALL TRUE).
I tell you, it's come to a pretty pass when the elite of the earth are treated like common criminals.
Sirs? It's dinner time. We've laid out the candle-lined red carpet.
Candles?! We wanted kneeling eunuchs! Don't you know who we are?

 

by andydougan
6-09-05
Yas ya cunt! Ah'm gettin' a Nintendo Ultra X-Station Dolphin 65536 for Christmas! It comes with Super Virtua Actua Menstrua Mario Golf Arena: Thy Flesh Consumed!
I like Ant Attack for the Atari.
How many bit is that?

 

by andydougan
10-06-05
The future that stretches before me is defeat, resignation and then the grave. My one comfort is that your dreams, too, are destined for utter ruin.
I make three hundred thousand dollars a year and am considered a luminary in my field. I'm a twice Nobel Laureate. Women want me and men want to be me.
I appreciate your taking the time to talk to me.
The pleasure was mine.

 

by andydougan
11-06-05
CWI HI HI HI ING / OVA YOO / THEN YOU / SAID SO LONG / LEFT ME STANDING / ALL ALONE / ALONE AND CWYING / CWYING / CWYING / CWI HI HI HI ING
That guy sure don't take no shit off bitches.
No.

 

by andydougan
2-06-06
Mullah Omar, cleric on the lam
I'm so proud. This is the night of my forty-second daughter's wedding. To my nephew.
Hey, Uncle Mohammed, I'm having a bit of trouble getting her open.
Huh! Sounds like you're in a bit of a STITCH! And you with oats to SEW! Still, I'm sure your relationship will HEAL OVER!
Shut up and get me a more serrated saw.
I picked up those puns in Nigeria.

 

by andydougan
7-02-06
Being most amorously disposed towards a certain tyto aurantia, I do endeavour to venture forthwith to her place of habitance and sojourn therein.
To wit?
To woo.

 

by andydougan
9-14-06
I have the perfect solution to the terrorist problem! We'll just round up all the Allah-praisers and cut their daughers' clits off!
They've already cut their daughters' clits off.
By Mohammed, peace be upon his fucking cunt! They've got us at every turn!
Great comic, this.

 

by andydougan
9-18-06
The Pope
Some guy way back when said some crap.
Mullah Omar! Did you hear the blasphemous words of that guy no one takes seriously? To arms!
Give it a rest, Osama. You're yesterday's news.
Oh, yeah, and the Taliban are really fucking flavour of the month.
Hey, we pretended to blow up a helicopter the other week.

 

by andydougan
1-29-07
Hello, can I speak to Mr Dougan, please?
Spunkin'. Lol.
Right. I'm calling from HarperCollins about your recent job interview. The long and short of it is, you cunted it up. We'd rather employ Derry Irvine's receded scrotum. And then lick the scrotum.
Wow! That's the best feedback I've ever had from a job application. I used to think you Murdoch guys were kind of Nazis, but I had you all wrong!
Based on your performance, our most fervent hope is that you and all those dear to you will have nails hammered into your soft palates until you die.
Will you marry me?

 

by andydougan
7-04-07
John Smeaton, the bravest man alive
So these terrorists are comin at us wi fuckin petrol boambs. An ah'm like, ah'm no havin this, an ah fuckin set aboot thum, know?
Ah booted that cunt's cunt so hard ma fuckin Achilles tendon snapped. Now thae cunts know no ae fuckin mess! Yas!
I've never been north of the Chilterns, so I have no idea what you just said. But this'll have to do. I have a baccarat game in half an hour.
At least we know that we are a strong people who will not be cowed by such craven acts.
Next: we were going to show Die Hard 2, but that's got airports blowing up so it might make our viewers cry. Here's Fried Green Tomatoes instead.

 

by andydougan
7-18-07
const unsigned char * const bmprgb=(((BITMAP *)bitmaps[0][checkbmp].dat)->line[yyy-((yyy/((BITMAP *)bitmaps[1][checkbmp].dat)->h)*(bitmaps[2][checkbmp].dat)->h)]);
Ugh. Why the shit won't this compile?
You need to cast that third dat member to a BITMAP pointer. But you shouldn't have got yourself into that mess in the first place. C++ is type-safe for a reason, you know.
Is there anything John Smeaton can't do??
Boot fuck!

 

by andydougan
7-18-07
Hey, say thanks to your maw for giving me Full-Blown AIDS.
What?
You know, the album by that guy who used to be in Anal Cunt. She got me it for my birthday.
Er. Right.
Russell asked me to...
Shut up and call the doctor.

 

by andydougan
10-16-07
A horrific gas explosion at an abattoir claimed six victims.
Lol. That's what I call karma.
All of whom were cows.
D'oh.

 

by andydougan
2-06-08
So who are you supporting in these fucking primaries?
Well, at first I thought Huckabee, because it'd be fun if the boss of the world believed in angels and goblins. But then I heard he was nice to an immigrant once.
So now I want "Mitt" to win. It's about time we had a moron in the White House.
I'm supporting Clinton because being president will increase her chances of being assassinated.
Typical blue-state elitist.

 

by andydougan
9-12-08
Will the horror ever cease?
Well, cosmologists posit that, in several trillion years, the universe will reach thermal equilibrium and reality itself will be unsustainable. So there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Ach! That's ages away!
Well, it's not a perfect world, okay?

 

by andydougan
2-10-09
Hope! Change! The birds are singing! The babies are smiling! The angels are fucking! The US is ready to lead the world again!
Yawn.
Why doesn't America just fuck off?
What, the shining city on a hill that shows us all the way to a better tomorrow?
The one redeeming consequence of America's existence is that it hastens the planet's doom, so we won't have to listen to their drivel anymore.
You're still annoyed Huckabee didn't get in, aren't you?

 

by andydougan
2-16-09
In recent months I seem to have developed a kind of facial dandruff.
That sounds like dehydration of the skin as a result of excessive alcohol consumption.
You should seek counsel from one who has confronted the Satan that is drink and emerged triumphant.
So, yeah, it's like eczema or something.
HAAAAAAA BAAAAAAKD AAAN MAAAA TRAAAAAAANSH!!!

 

by andydougan
4-22-09
If I hear one more mention of Susan Boyle, I'm going to vomit up my testicles.
Susan Boyle.
BWAAUWAWRHGUHG
She's taught us that not all ugly people deserve to be smothered.

 

by andydougan
5-09-09
Who would win out of the Hulk and Jesus?
Jesus would probably just shoot the Hulk into outer space.
Actually I think this happened in the comics.
Jesus shot the hulk into outer space?
Or it might have been Reed Richards.

 

by andydougan
5-09-09
Who's smarter: Jesus or Reed Richards?
Jesus. He invented the phrase "Jesus Christ!!!".
Doesn't take much brains. Reed Richards charted the Negative Zone.
Jesus could make the blind walk, and the lame fuck.
Could he make sad cunts who read Marvel Comics fuck?
Maybe with prep time.

 

by andydougan
10-31-09
At the end of a hard day, I like nothing better than to run a hot bath, pour a big mug of cocoa, put my feet up...
...and dig out Bono's thyroid cartilage with a blunt, rusty, shit-covered trowel.
The simple pleasures are the best.
The only problem is trying not to ejaculate too quickly.

 

by andydougan
11-02-09
My tear ducts are getting worn out through overuse. Any tips?
Try sticking your head under a train.
I wonder if it should be a cause for concern that I've been doing comics on this subject for the better part of a decade.
Not for me. Or anyone who's not you.
Every year I tell myself that the next will make it all worthwhile. But the light at the end of the tunnel is like the horizon. It moves with me. The future never becomes the present.
Snore!

 

by andydougan
9-15-10
So the man in the pointy hat's coming to Glasgow this week to perform some voodoo.
Yay! Fuck the Queen and the UDA!
Don't you object to his involvement in the Church abuse scandal?
Nah. Covering up the odd bit of child rape hardly makes him stand out amongst the scum that we usually entertain.
Like when Kim Howells welcomed King Abdullah because of Britain's "shared values" with Saudi.
He was right, though. I'd quite like to see Kim Howells get his head cut off.

 

by andydougan
11-11-10
At work
Hello?
Hi, Susan? I'm phoning about our constituent...er...and his problems with...uh...
I'll be honest. I was just calling to hear your voice. We've never met, but our brief, playful exchanges are all that keep me from downing a bottle of paracetamol.
I delay calling you so I can experience the frisson of anticipation all day. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep imagining the life we could live together.
I'm 56, married, and a thalidomide baby.
Could you at least friend me on Facebook so I can look at pictures of your clothed tits?

 

by andydougan
3-28-11
Intoxicants: check.
Gadget from Rescue Rangers porn: check.
A lifetime of humiliation, resentment and rage which I lack the courage to direct anywhere but inwards: check.
NOW LET'S GET THOSE ENDORPHINS JUMPIN'!!!
Did you do anything nice this weekend?
Cried, mostly.

 

by andydougan
5-12-11
Mullah Omar
...and proceeded to blow his fucking cunt off. Frank Gardner, BBC News.
'kin' 'ell!
I can't believe Osama's really gone.
I know. It seems like only yesterday we all stormed Kabul, hacked off Najibullah's penis, and fed it to his children.
There's a new star in the heavens tonight.
I think that's a daisy cutter.

 

by andydougan
4-01-13
They're making more and more cutlery in Pakistan.
WHO GIVES A SHIT?
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
Some of it may even approach usability.
FUCKING SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by andydougan
2-24-15
Why is it unacceptable to play Gary Glitter songs, but Michael Jackson ones are still okay?
That reminds me of this strip: stripcreator.com/comics/andydougan/257727
Fuck, that was more than a decade ago. And what have I achieved in that time?
FUCK ALL.
Are we supposed to act like we're not quite sure he was a boy toucher?
But on the plus side, the next ten years will be much worse.

Showing page 19.

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