All comics by Jeanster

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by Jeanster
2-13-04
Here's the school principal to tell us why his school has banned Valentine deliveries.
It disrupts class and distracts the students.
"And last year some parents wanted the school to pay for roses that went to the wrong kid. It's too much of a hassle."
Chris, I swear I did send you flowers and candy. Honest!
Well, Daryl, I never got them.
Roses and chocolates? That's a pretty good haul you got for Valentine's Day, Chris.
How do I tell Daryl I only think of him as a friend? Meaning I don't want to see him naked?

 

by Jeanster
2-13-04
After their dinner date Tyler escorts Maura to her front door.
Thank you for a lovely evening. May I call you again some time?
Sure. I'd like that.
Good night, Maura.
Good night, Tyler.
What? No good night kiss?

 

by Jeanster
2-13-04
Tyler was a perfect gentleman last night. Too perfect. I would have enjoyed getting a good night kiss from him.
Maybe I had something in my teeth. Or was it my breath?
There is a knock at Tyler's front door.
Come in. It's open.
What the hell are YOU doing here?
I'll just wait for Tyler to call me. If he doesn't kiss me on our next date, I'll make the first move.

 

by Jeanster
2-13-04
Barbie and Ken have broken up after 43 years of being one the world's prettiest couples.
Ken, do you have any comments about the breakup that you'd like to share with our viewers?
It was a mutual breakup. Barbie and I will still be friends. At least I won't have to figure out what gift to buy her for Valentine's Day this year.
Dammit! I forgot Valentine's Day is coming up! I have to shop for my wife's gift!
Yep, that shopping chore will have to be done by her new admirer : Blaine, the Australian boogie boarder.

 

by Jeanster
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker.
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
My perfect Valentine's date is a sock puppet?
Slip me right over Rosie and her five sisters. Then we party!

 

by Jeanster
2-14-04
Saudi Arabia's religious authorities have ordered Muslims to shun the "pagan" holiday of Valentine's Day so as not to incur God's wrath, the local al-Riyadh newspaper said Friday.
What? No heart-shaped boxes of chocolates to enjoy?
"It is a pagan Christian holiday and Muslims who believe in God and Judgment Day should not celebrate or acknowledge it or congratulate (people on it).
No Valentine cards to send or receive? I can't even say, "Happy Valentine's Day" to someone I see on the street?
It is a duty to shun it to avoid God's anger and punishment," said an edict issued by Saudi Arabia's fatwa committee published in the Arabic-language daily.
God, if this is true, then it totally bites.
*God speaking* Actually, Joan, the celebration of Valentine's Day won't piss me off, so if you want to celebrate it, go for it. What DOES piss me off is when people put words in my mouth.

 

by Jeanster
2-14-04
Maura, where's Blondi? I need her to make some photocopies.
I haven't seen her today. Let me check around the office.
A few minutes later . .
Well?
She called in sick. First time since she started working here.
Meanwhile in front of Tyler's place . . .
What do you make of it, Captain?
I'd prefer to hold off on coming to any conclusions before I gather more facts, Sgt. Lewis.

 

by Jeanster
2-14-04
Captain Brown examines the crime scene.
Sgt. Lewis, I'll be done here in a few minutes. Then I'll need to question the witnesses.
Yes, Captain. Oh, the Coroner arrived. He's outside.
Land's sakes! This city is just too violent for decent folks! What's a poor old Granny to do?
Sorry I can't stay and chat, Granny. I have a job to do.
Hello, Doctor. Terribly gruesome, eh?
Yes.

 

by Jeanster
2-14-04
A week later at the cemetery . . .
And you had better STAY dead and buried, you crazy psycho bitch!
Maura and IndyPete arrive to pay their respects.
I still can't get over this. I keep expecting to see her stroll into the office. It won't be easy to replace her.
Nor will it be easy to find a young female intern naive enough to "take DIC-tation" the way Blondi did.
It was self-defense, so Tyler Jones is free to get on with his life. Tyler and Maura leave the cemetery to start their second date.
Maura, I hope you won't think I'm being too forward if I kiss you good night later.
Tyler, kiss or no kiss, tonight I'm going to haul you into my bed and have my way with you.

 

by Jeanster
2-15-04
At the "Fights Go Here" SC Forum . . .
Using "gay" as an insult makes you an asshat!
Shut up! This thead is so gay! Gay, gay, gay!
Lurking lesbian witch Willow Rosenberg has had enough.
Bored now.
So Willow does her thing.
Ack! What the fuck happened to my computer??!!

 

by Jeanster
2-16-04
"Dear Bilbo Baggins: Congratulations! Your nephew Frodo has been selected to be the Student Ambassador to Mordor!"
"This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity will no doubt prove to be a most educational and enriching experience for him!"
"Please sign this waiver releasing People to People from any injuries or fatality your nephew may receive . . ."
". . . during his journey to Mordor or during his stay there. We are not responsible for attacks by Black Riders, Orcs, Cave Trolls, Balrogs or Giant Spiders."
"Attached is also information on the time and place to attend the meeting to learn more about this once-in-a-lifetime trip for your nephew."
"Bring money. Lots of it. We know you can afford it. Word is that you're the richest SOB in the Shire. Yours truly, People to People"

 

by Jeanster
2-16-04
The man of the cloth addresses his congregation.
I've noticed that some of you have been coming to Sunday morning service dressed very casually. Tee-shirts, shorts, cutoffs, sandals. Show some respect to the Lord when you come to church!
I expect to see an improvement in your attire when you come back next Sunday.
The following week the entire congregation shows up dressed in their Sunday best.
My sermon today is about how God can see right through you. He can see you for the sinners you are, despite how you may present yourself on the outside! You're not fooling Him!

 

by Jeanster
2-17-04
See that bridge over there? I built that.
But do you think folks around here would call me Todd the Bridge Builder? No-o-o-o-o.
And see that wall over there? I built that, too.
But do you think I'd be known around here as Todd the Wall Builder? Oh, no-o-o-o-o.
But when they catch you fucking one goat . . .

 

by Jeanster
2-18-04
A man, exiting a grocery store, was very surprised when a rather good-looking and perky young lady greeted him cheerfully. Her face was beaming.
Good evening!
Who are you?
At least she was smiling until he gave her that "Who are you?" look. He couldn't remember having ever seen her before. Then, she obviously realized that a mistake had been made and apologized.
Oh, I'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of one of my children.
The man was left staring dumbfounded after her.
What is the world coming to, an attractive woman who doesn't even keep track of what the father of her children look like.
Could I possibly have forgotten a relationship? Could it be that I really fathered a child?

 

by Jeanster
2-18-04
Still stunned, he walked to his car. He still did not realize, of course, that she was a fifth-grade teacher at a local elementary school.

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
Residents of Honalee are in an uproar over the recent attack by invading pirates who pillaged and plundered their land.
We take you now live to the Honalee Mayor's office.
Mr. Mayor, some of the Honalee residents want to know why the mighty dragon Puff did nothing to protect them from the pirates. Can you tell us anything?
Our resident dragon Puff has not been well for some time. After he lost his lifelong friend, young Jack Paper, he retreated into his cave. He rarely ventures outside.

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
The Roving Reporter interviews the Mayor.
Young Jack Paper, better known here as 'Little Jackie Paper', mysteriously stopped coming to visit our resident dragon.
It has been almost a year since anyone has reported seeing Jack Paper anywhere here in Honalee.
Puff used to be so friendly, outgoing and helpful, especially when it came to protecting Honalee from pirates who invade our land. But that all changed.
It appears as if without his lifelong friend, Puff has lost his bravery. Some of the residents claim to have seen Puff cowering in his cave while the pirates were pillaging and plundering Honalee.

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
Here we are on Honalee's cherry lane. What can you tell us about Puff, young lady?
Puff used to play here along this cherry lane many times. But we never see him anymore.
Do you miss Puff?
Sure, I do. But it's nice being able to have the hopscotch area here all to myself for a change.

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
We take you now to Puff's cave by the sea. Our star roving reporter is there to give Puff a live interview.
Sorry, but I have bad news. Puff isn't in his cave or anywhere nearby. Honalee's resident dragon appears to have disappeared
Puff gone? Sorry, viewers. But tune in later tonight at eleven when we hope to have an update on this new development.

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
Detective Herlock Sholmes is examining the inside of Puff's cave.
What have you found, Mr. Sholmes?
Careful not to step on the clues, Mr. Roving Reporter.
Hmm. What have we here? Some string. And some sealing wax.
And look over there! Some other fancy stuff!
Tell you what. I'll let you do the reporting while you let ME do the detecting. Okay?

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
Here's the latest about Puff. Honalee Detective Herlock Sholmes found Puff's diary which might shed some light on what has happened.
Mr. Sholmes, does Puff's diary reveal anything about the disappearance of Little Jackie Paper and/or Puff?
Well, regarding Puff's disappearance, it certainly does.
His final entry reads: "Made a new friend. His name is Peter. He's invited me to go live with him. I'm leaving Honalee to start my new life."

 

by Jeanster
10-30-04
"This will be a beautiful relationship, Puff. I'm nothing like other little boys who one day leave to grow up. We'll be together always and have marvelous adventures fighting pirates!"
Blast that Peter Pan!
Captain Hook, there's something big flying in off starboard.
Puff and Peter swoop down toward Hook's ship.
Greetings, Hook! I'd like you to meet my new friend! He's going to roar out his name to you!
Seconds later . . .
ARGH! SMEE, LOWER THE SHIP'S FLAG! QUICKLY! HURRY!
How the f*ck is THAT going to help, Captain? Excuse me while I burn to death!

 

by Jeanster
2-22-05
I visit a message board where they discuss a cartoon series.
It’s fun to read the other messages posted by the others who visit it on a regular basis.
One girl in particular posts the almost identical message every day. And I mean EVERY DAY without fail.
“hi guys! –wazzup to my pals. -later!”

 

by Jeanster
2-22-05
It begs the question why that girl does this. There must be a reason.
So one day I posted a reply to her “hi guys!” post.
It’s nice of you to say hi to us. But you really don’t have to do it every day You can wait until you have something to discuss regarding this cartoon series.
I got a reply.
“I have to post every day because my counselor told me to.”

 

by Jeanster
2-22-05
Her counselor told her to? Hmm. How odd.
Was it her school counselor? Or was it a mental health counselor?
Perhaps it’s therapeutic for her to visit a message board every day just to post a message saying hi.
Well, since the owner of the message board appeared to have no problem with it, I didn’t give it another thought.

 

by Jeanster
2-22-05
Then one day the sh*t hit the fan when a newcomer to the board posted a reply to her latest “hi guys” post.
Wow, [name withheld] is a ##### loser! She posts the same message every day, lmao,
It didn’t take long for her staunch friends on the message board to defend her.
“eff off, and find a hobby. I'm sorry something went wrong in your life to make you an asshole, don't take it out on [name withheld].”
The owner of the message board deleted the newcomer’s offensive reply and advised everyone to not feed the troll.
"Do not feed the trolls."

 

by Jeanster
2-22-05
But perhaps it would help if there was a brief explanation near the top of the message board...
or an FAQ explaining why our dear [name withheld] (bless her heart) posts as she does.
That might help prevent such flames wars at this board.

 

by Jeanster
2-22-05
As I was about to fall asleep that night I thought I heard someone in my bedroom.
Is someone there?
So I turned on the light and saw I was not alone.
Some of the members of the SC forum think this series is boring. So what say we spice it up with some sex?
..!
Well, sorry, guys. I tried. But you have to keep in mind that this series is based on actual events.
Punch lines don't always appear at the end of an event in real life. And not all comic strips have to have a punch line. Good night, folks.

 

by Jeanster
2-23-05
Good morning, class. Let's pick up from where we left off yesterday. Who can tell me about Manifest Destiny?
Aren't you the one paid to tell us about that stuff? You suck!
Principal Woods, if you're going to continue sitting in my class to observe, then I must insist you do so when you're not three sheets to the wind.
Hey, at least you can't say I didn't bring enough to share with everyone. Here, Danny. Take a sip and pass the bottle around.
SECURITY!
Hey, Jessica. Ever take it up the backside?

 

by Jeanster
2-23-05
Principal Woods, how can you deny your disgraceful drunken behavior in my classroom the other day?
What drunken behavior? Be careful, Tyler. Making up such lies about me could cost you! It’s your word against mine.
Actually it’s your word against mine and those of all twenty-five students who witnessed it.
Do you seriously think anyone would take the word of a bunch of kids over a respected high school principal?
Perhaps you didn’t notice the ones clicking away with their camera phones. Care to view the images? I can pull them up on the Internet for you. It’ll just take a moment.
...!

 

by Jeanster
2-25-05
If I tear up my marriage certificate will I be divorced?
Well, sir, let me answer your question with another question.
If you tear up your birth certificate will you be dead?

 

by Jeanster
2-25-05
Hey, I see you finally have the SIMS game.
Yep.
I notice your SIMS guy is in a one-room tiny house without doors or windows.
Yep. He gets zip. No furniture. No food. No entertainment. Nada. His reaction is priceless.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You used to enjoy tearing wings off of flies.
I had to give that up when PETA threatened to come after me.

 

by Jeanster
2-25-05
God gives Joan her latest assignment.
Skip the school dance, Joan. Surprise your neighbors with fresh baked cookies instead.
Most of Joan's neighbors, except for one, love the cookies.
God, I can't believe she's suing me for delivering cookies to her!
Joan is relieved when the lawsuit is dropped after the plaintiff is struck down dead by a bolt of lightning.
I usually don't smite people, Joan, but that one was just asking for it.
Go, God!

 

by Jeanster
2-28-05
Innocent Kid watches some episodes of Deadwood and is shocked by the strong language.
Wow! They must have used "fuck", "cock-sucker" and "cunt" a dozen times in just the first few episodes of this Deadwood series.
The next day he tells his classmate about it.
I didn't know such words existed back in the old Wild West!
Ha-ha-ha! Innocent Kid, you have to stop relying on episodes of The Lone Ranger and Bonanza as realistic depictions of those days.
"Words like 'fuck' and 'cock-sucking' existed way back with the Anglo Saxons. So of course the cowboys talked like that."
Little Joe, Pa wants you to get your ass back to the Ponderosa!
Shut your cock-sucking mouth, big brother! There's a half-off sale on whores in the saloon, and I aim to get laid plenty!

 

by Jeanster
2-28-05
Berkeley teachers protest lack of a raise by refusing to work extra hours. This includes grading papers on their own time.
And so, class, that's why you won't be assigned any written homework until further notice.
YAY!
Innocent Kid IMs his friend in New York about this new development.
So our homework has been cut way back. We have to read chapters, but we don't have to write essays.
Lucky bastard!
We're not moving to Berkeley and that's final!
But, Mom, you'd love California!

 

by Jeanster
3-05-05
Years ago I used to attend the church near where I lived. But one day they started to get on my nerves by being very pushy about what I should do on my own time.
I didn't see you in my Sunday School class.
That's because I wasn't there. Sunday School is for kids. I'm in my late twenties.
Well, we also have evening services three times a week. Will we be seeing you then?
I come here every Sunday morning and listen to the pastor's sermon. And I manage to do it without falling asleep. That's enough church for me.
God is jealous and wants to be Number One in your life.
You have no idea how much self-restraint it's taking to keep from saying, "God doesn't want you to refer to Him as piss."

 

by Jeanster
12-01-05
Flashback to last year when Maura coordinated the company Toy Drive:
Boss, thanks for donating the beautiful doll and toy fire engine. I’m sure the kids who receive those will be very happy.
*Grumbles* Bah! I did my part! Now leave me in peace!
This year’s Toy Drive:
Boss, would you like to make a donation to this year’s Toy Drive?
Didn’t we just do this LAST year? What happened to that doll and fire engine I donated? Those were very expensive toys from an upscale toy emporium!
Did those brats lose or break those toys I bought for them? Well, you can just tell those brats that if they can’t take proper care of their things, they shouldn’t expect to receive anymore!

 

by Jeanster
2-10-06
Great news, Maura! Remember how you won't go out with me because you have a rule about not dating anyone you work with?
I remember. And it's a good rule, Pete. I stand by it.
According to USA Today, workplace romances are no longer a taboo! You and I are free to date! So what time shall I pick you up, baby?
Pete, that's just an article about a survey. It doesn't mean I'm going to change my rule and start dating guys here at work.
And here I was worried about being all alone on Valentine's Day! Woo-hoo! I'll make dinner reservations for us. Do you like Italian food?
Did you not hear me? I am NOT going out with you, Pete! Are you selectively deaf?

 

by Jeanster
11-11-06
Sorry, I just couldn't resist.
The Commander won't think it's funny.
But his son is SUCH a dweeb.
Laugh now, but ditching the Commander's son on Earth will guarantee that your ass will be grass.
Where'd everybody go?

 

by Jeanster
11-11-06
Captain, I have an update on Zarton's threat to destroy the planet Tylimorkityrs.
Is it good news or bad news, Spork?
The Zartons are carrying out their threat as we speak now.
Oh, no! And what's the good news?
Sir, that IS the good news. The Tylimorkityrs have violated all "Do Not Call" agreements with each planet of the Federation.
Hot damn! You're right, as usual, Spork! Time to break out the champagne!

 

by Jeanster
11-11-06
Success! We have destroyed the planet Tylimorkityrs!
Sir, we detected one of their ships fleeing shortly before we blew up their planet. Not to worry. We sent a destroyer after them.
Excellent. We can't allow any of those blasted Tylimorkityrs to survive our attack.
Consider it done.
And sure enough, on board the Tylimorkityrs ship:
Oh, all right. We'll go back and pick up the dweeb.
Good. Hey, what's that beeping sound from the sensor panel?

 

by Jeanster
11-11-06
Well? Did we get it?
Affirmative, sir! Consider the Tylimorkityrs an extinct race!
Come on, guys. This isn't funny.

 

by Jeanster
11-11-06
This is my first time on a cruise. I figured it'd be a great way to meet guys. You're terribly cute. Want to join me in my cabin?
Hey, look over there. Is that someone stranded on an island?
Don't try to change the subject. Do you want to come join me in my cabin? You're such a hottie!
We need to tell the captain there's someone out there who needs to be rescued!
Oh, damn! I hate it when they play hard to get!
Captain!

 

by Jeanster
11-13-06
Thanks for alerting me about that marooned guy on the island.
You're welcome, Captain. How is he?
He's resting. The prolonged exposure to the hot sun must have done something to him. He can't speak a word, from what I can tell.
Well, thanks. By the way, have you seen that man-hungry desperate woman around? I'm avoiding her. She scares the shit out of me.
I figured this cruise would be a great way to meet guys. Do you mind if I stay and keep you company?
Kill me now!

 

by Jeanster
12-20-06
Friday, December 22, 2006
Ted, whose name did you draw for the Secret Santa?
Lisa's. Oh, f%*k! Is it TODAY? I forgot to shop!
Friday, December 22, 2006
You had since December 1st to shop. And there are no stores nearby.
I kept putting it off! Wait! Be right back, Bill!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Hi, Lisa.
Hi, Bill. Why is Ted outside rummaging through a homeless guy's shopping cart?

 

by Jeanster
2-24-08
I owe, I owe! So off to work I go!
A very good morning to you, Dave!
What's so good about it, you freaky stick figure?
We're alive, well and employed. Right?
Beat it before I drop-kick you down the hall, you annoying pansy!

 

by Jeanster
2-24-08
Top of the morning to you, Boss!
Oh, it's you. You DO know why we had to hire you, right?
Because of my experience and impressive resume?
NO! In the interest of diversity we need to have at least one freaky stick figure employed here. You're it.
Good morning, Chuck! The boss sent me. What do you need?
You can sort and file all these reports. I'll be in my office (checking out porn sites).

 

by Jeanster
2-24-08
All done, Chuck! I've sorted and filed all those reports into these drawers.
Great work! You've proven you can handle large and tedious assignments!
It's all a matter of self-discipline and staying focused on the task, Chuck.
Follow me! You're obviously the best-suited candidate for this other assignment. I can't give it to Chen because he misfiles stuff all the time!
GAAAHHHH!
I'm going to take a cigarette break. Have fun filing, you schmuck!

 

by Jeanster
2-24-08
'Morning, Ted. How are you?
Just fine, Freaky Stick Figure Guy. You don't look so good, though.
My hard work was rewarded with yet MORE tedious work! Work that was supposed to go to someone else, but that someone else is TOO LAZY AND INCOMPETENT!
Now you're getting the picture.
You mean that --
The meek shall inherit all the grunt work and crappiest of assignments. This is my world. Welcome to it.

 

by Jeanster
2-24-08
-- and not only that, but SMOKING IS PROHIBITED INSIDE THE BUILDING!
Bite me, you freaky stick figure wuss!
I MEAN IT, CHEN! YOU NEED TO DO YOUR OWN SHARE OF THE WORK HERE!
Ooooh! I am SOOO SCARED AND INTIMIDATED! What are you going to do to me, big scary stick figure guy?
That freaky stick figure guy has anger issues! He needs counseling! I should report him to HR!
You do that. But get in line. He's already heading up there to report you for laziness and incompetence.

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