All comics by JimBT200

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by JimBT200
6-15-14
(John): Pretty sure I'm in love. (Mary): Finally found someone? (Billy): I want a photo. (John): I think it's true love. We just met but it could be true love.
Posting to Facebook is both personal and very impersonal and public at the same time. A soapbox for life you share with family and friends.
(John): Woke up this morning and she was gone. Left me a note saying don't ever look for her again. (Billy): Did you get a photo? (John): She left me a photo of us but tore off her half.
Your friends can amaze you sometimes with what they think and share.
Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. WTF.
I'm pretty sure he's saying "Wow, That's Fantastic!"

 

by JimBT200
6-16-14
One Day Sale! Today only. Regularly $59.95, order now and it's yours for just $39.00!
That's great but when there's one sale there's bound to be others. I'm going to check another site.
Act Now! In the next 15 minutes and you can have this for just $24.95. It's outrageous, we must be out of our mind. Click now to pay and ship today.
That sounds great but I'll bet I can get an even better deal. I'm an Internet Shopping Wizard. Ha.
See I told you I could find the cheapest price. Just $19.95. I ordered two of them and they'll be here by Friday. How do you like that?
Tomorrow they'll be back to their regular price everywhere on the internet. $9.95 with free shipping.

 

by JimBT200
6-17-14
The office pool betting on what's wrong with the new computer is now up to $200. You want in?
Heck, yeah, put me down for $20 on broken cabling.
So I'll tell you what's wrong with me if you split the winnings and get me some ram and a bigger hard drive. Deal?
I saw you were feeding false results into the network diagnostic programs. Okay, I'm in.
I spent my winnings on a Google Chromecast and got you your upgrades. What do you want me to tell the other players in the pool?
Thank them for their contribution.

 

by JimBT200
6-18-14
Ted's PC - - - Wireless Home Network - - - No Internet Access
ipconfig /all - let's take a look at your DHCP and DNS settings to see why you can't get online.
Ted's PC - - - Wireless Home Network - - - No Internet Access
There seem to be no available networks to connect to and I can't find a router or modem anywhere.
You don't seem to have any way to access the internet. How were you getting online before this happened?
My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

 

by JimBT200
6-19-14
Stop blaming me for being too slow. You're the one who types with one finger.
CAPS LOCK - NOT NECESSARY ALL THE TIME!
I can't stand being a publicly accessible computer - the users are downright scary.
You should see what they watch on me! I have to keep my little eyes closed all the time.

 

by JimBT200
6-19-14
Core temperature too hot. Internal operations will cease. Power down and move this computer to a cold room immediately.
Did you shut everything down like I asked you to while we get the air conditioning repaired?
Naw, the computer tried to pretend it was too hot but all it needs is a reboot. You should go do that.
I think we're past the point where rebooting will help.

 

by JimBT200
6-23-14
Imagine how much fun women in burkas have tagging each other on Facebook.
I've deleted so much history on my computer browser it doesn't even know who the Romans were.
I have opinions of my own. Strong opinions. But I don't always agree with them.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
You took an IQ test and the results came back negative.
Do the manufacturers of foolproof items keep some fools on their payroll to test out their items?

 

by JimBT200
6-24-14
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer.
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
I most certainly did not understand why he would be the only one so I proceeded to ask him that very question.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

by JimBT200
6-25-14
Back in the "good old days" Tech Support and Help Desk people used to really mess with their user's minds.
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
As the next decade rolled in and people began using CD's, Tech Support just changed the game a little.
If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two CD’s together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both discs.
Now that people are backing up to the cloud Tech Support and Help Desk people should simply be ashamed of themselves.
Cloud computing brings network rain storms and now that IPv6 has gone global, you will have to back up your data by synching one node to each iDroplet of iRain in the iCloud.

 

by JimBT200
6-26-14
There are so many false rumors about the cost of the coming release of the new iPhone 6 and the iWatch that I am going to put them all to rest.
If you want one without a contract it will cost you $699. If you are upgrading to one under your current contract it will only cost you $199.
And if you don't want one at all that is now only $99.

 

by JimBT200
6-27-14
I want some answers.................... I think I'm entitled to them.. . . . . . . . . . I want the truth!
You want answers? You can't handle the truth! We live in a world that has Computers, and those computers have to be connected by people with a clue. Who's gonna do it? You? You users make me sick.
Did you shut down my email? ........ Did you shut down my file server? .... Did you shut down my internet access?
I have a responsibility you can't fathom. You weep for your email and you curse the admin. You don't want the truth, because deep down, you want us in this office, you need us in this office.
Did you shut down my email? ........ Did you shut down my file server? .... Did you shut down my internet access?
We use words like DNS, LDAP, and SCRIPTS...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing with computers. You use 'em as a reason to whine. You're damn right I did!

 

by JimBT200
6-28-14
My computer is running so slow I can't get any work done. I told my boss and he told me to get you to speed it up.
I'll check it for you right now.
458 pieces of malware/viruses,spyware, numerous coupon offering malwares, Conduit, real questionable sites in the browser histories, 17 open Windows, very little ram, no signs of work product at all.
Firewall turned off, anti-virus renewal not paid so also turned off, no anti-malware protection. The list goes on, should I continue?
I have no words.

 

by JimBT200
6-28-14
The goal of computer scientists is to build something that will last until you've finished building it. And then just never finish.
Cable bundling has replaced card sharks. Everything sounds cheap but requires bundling. It's very expensive without the bundle. But the bundle itself is even more expensive.
We all have goals. I used to pursue my goals. But now they come bundled and I have no idea what they are.

 

by JimBT200
6-30-14
The Industrial Revolution, from 1760 through 1840 helped shape our country, allow us to remain free and to build a democracy. It was the first of three great revolutions in our history.
The Second Industrial Revolution saw the build-out of railroads, large scale iron and steel production, the use of machinery in manufacturing, a greater use of steam power and electricity.
The current digital revolution is reshaping the world, bringing it closer together, creating world markets and opportunities and showing us how to build our future.
I had no idea this country had been at the forefront of technology from its very inception. Happy 4th of July to you and many more. My generation will begin the Nanotechnology Revolution soon.

 

by JimBT200
7-01-14
FIFA World Cup. You will be able to see all the games streaming live. You can charge it on your company's ISP bill.
Awesome. Yes, let's do that.
Most of the other employees are watching the World Cup. You'll need to add bandwidth to your ISP if you want to watch it too.
Awesome. Yes, let's do that.
I don't understand why my ISP costs have gone up and the network is slower than ever. Have you done something?
It's a temporary problem. When you come in to work on Monday, July 14th, your network will be faster than ever.

 

by JimBT200
7-02-14
A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says: “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!
An ARP request goes to McDonald’s and asks for a Big MAC.
I’m a DHCP server at a local restaurant. This person came up and asked me for my address, and I told her she was out of my scope.
“Hello, here’s a packet : “The problem with low MTU jokes is you can”. Hello, here’s a packet : “wait a long time before reading”. Hello, here’s a packet : “it.”
I had an Ethernet joke, but somebody else told it at the same time. So I exponentially backed off and tried again.
You might not get them but systems love telling each other jokes. It's all about getting to that specific address.

 

by JimBT200
7-02-14
Okay, my new password is cabbage.
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters, contain at least 1 numerical character, no blank spaces and at least one upper case character.
50BloodyBoiledCabbages!
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbages
Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

by JimBT200
7-04-14
I don't know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. They are selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.
Instead of giving him a "General Protection Fault" error, I now display "Ferklempt." I also shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
And when I run "scandisk", I prompt him with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When Spellcheck finds an error, the following message appears:
Is this the best you can do?

 

by JimBT200
7-05-14
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personalities, press 2,3 & 4. If you are paranoid, we know who you are, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what to do. If you are delusional, press 6 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have post traumatic stress, press 8 very gently, slowly and carefully. If you have low self esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.
I love hosted VoIP

 

by JimBT200
7-06-14
Your packet was received and we are now waiting for the money to be transferred.
Let me know when it is sent so I can track it and transfer it to my bank.
The sender claims the packet was sent but it has not yet been delivered. I'll continue to check every few milliseconds.
Thanks. I like to monitor financial transactions closely.
It just came in. The packet was delayed because it was so hot. It stopped for a sno-ball along the route.
That makes sense if you live in the South.

 

by JimBT200
7-07-14
I just love your i7 chipset and your high-speed NIC. Our users are in a committed relationship on Facebook and so are we. I check for your posts every femtosecond.
It's wonderful for me too. I've set up a private VPN tunnel so that we can exchange our packets even faster. I know my user writes to yours all day long.
I don't know what happened but my computer stopped working properly since I blocked an ex on Facebook. It's sluggish and even turns itself off with no warning. Can you check it for me?
Yes, but I've seen this before when Facebook friends split up. It's never easy on the computers.
I just don't understand what happened. We shared music, movies, even played on the same subnets, then one day - nothing. I've heard nothing! Please tell me what I did wrong.
It's not your fault. You see, it's not a hardware problem. It's not a software problem. It's not a network problem. It's a wetware problem and it can't be fixed. I'm sorry.

 

by JimBT200
7-08-14
Some of Murphy's Laws for Hardware.
Law of Inconvenient Malfunction: A device will fail at the least opportune possible moment.
Law of Cable Compatibility: If you choose a cable and a connector at random, the probability that they are compatible is equal to zero.
Law of Hardware Compatibility: The probability of a given peripheral being compatible with a PC is inversely proportional to the immediate need for that peripheral.
First Law of Selective Gravitation: When an object is dropped, it will fall in such a way as to cause the greatest possible damage to itself and/or other objects on which it lands.
Law of the Titanic: If a device cannot malfunction, it will.

 

by JimBT200
7-09-14
My network administrator seems distant, and doesn't want to socialize with the other workers.
Network Administrators are private creatures that interact better in Internet chat rooms, messaging and e-mail rather than on a more personal level.
Just give your Network Administrator some space and he or she might come to you on their own.
It may also be that your Network Administrator is lonely. If after a year, he or she still doesn't fit in, try hiring another one.

 

by JimBT200
7-10-14
Best prices confirmed. $260 for the modem/router, $180 for the drives and $200 for the Terastation. Adding tax and shipping.
Congratulations. $28 for the modem/router, $60 for the drives and $25 for the Terastation. Free shipping.
So I found everything you wanted, new and in the box on eBay and it should be here soon. Total cost is $113 plus tax with free shipping. How did you make out?
Dang you.

 

by JimBT200
7-11-14
Why have I been neglected?
People use smartphones, softphones and other commutation devices. You're headed to a museum but you'll be happy there.
Why have I been neglected?
People don't watch analog CRT tv's any more. They watch on digital big screens, tablets, even their smartphones. You're headed to a museum but you'll be happy there.
Do you think I'll ever be neglected?
Have you seen the new self-driving cars? In a decade people will call for one to take them places and it won't always be the same one. They're building your museum now.

 

by JimBT200
7-12-14
So I was Cc:'d on a specifiction from a regurgimailer over on Mahogany Row that was the obvious result of the dopeler effect resulting in copious treeware.
Well the recipient was using percussive maintenance on his machine with cylences the whole time I was trying to talk with him. He's taking his animousity out on his cinderellaware.
They recommend you stop doing beer Googles.
What the heck is that supposed to mean?
They're IT sniglets. You're not supposed to know what they mean. And you really shouldn't look them up.

 

by JimBT200
7-13-14
Hello, my name is workstation. You killed my server. Prepare to die!
Melodrama aside, I did not kill your server. You are now part of a workgroup and connect directly to your peers.
I have no peers. I have users but they are of no interest to me. They contribute nothing to my well-being and only waste my time.
This is probably not a good time to bring up the fact that you are being replaced by a Microsoft Surface 3 Pro Tablet. We're going to donate you to a school.
I can accept that gracefully. At which research center in MIT will I be stationed?
At the Happy Afternoon Day Care Center for Infants and Toddlers.

 

by JimBT200
7-14-14
There are three types of users.
Novice Users, Intermediate Users and Expert Users.
Novice Users are people who are afraid that simply by pressing a key they might break their computer.
Intermediate Users are people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
And that bring us to the fabled Expert Users.
Expert Users are people who break other people's computers.

 

by JimBT200
7-15-14
Several people have asked me to explain what I meant in yesterday's strip about the three types of users. I am happy to respond.
Novice (nah-viss) nah means not and viss is Latvian for all that much.
So a good definition of a novice is someone with not all that much experience. So far so good. How about intermediate?
Intermediate (inter-mediate) inter is between and mediate is to solve or settle.
So a good definition of an intermediate is someone who is settling in between a novice and some experience in the future. So far so good. How about expert?
Expert (ex-spurt) an ex is a has-been and a spurt is a drip under pressure.

 

by JimBT200
7-16-14
Want to know the difference between an Engineer, a Physicist and a Mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water, pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
Thank you Mr. Jeremiah Jazdzewski.

 

by JimBT200
7-17-14
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
Why is beer never served at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Did you know that a polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation?
I am so sorry. Don't make a bet with a mathematician.

 

by JimBT200
7-18-14
Are you sure that you want to run CCleaner and HiJack This on the registry?
Yes. I have backups although that will take a while to restore but this needs to be done.
Okay, I'm running ComboFix on Windows 8 but Microsoft does not recommend it. You have been warned.
The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

 

by JimBT200
7-20-14
I've got everything in my email. Messages, documents, spreadsheets, photos. I have my whole life tied up in my email. I love Yahoo!
You know you should back that up somewhere if it's really important to you. Yahoo has more problems with its email than any other provider anywhere.
My IT guy thinks I should back you up, whatever that means. How's my email doing?
Your Yahoo account has been removed for you own security.
Aaaaarrrrrgghhh!!!
You really should be using Gmail.

 

by JimBT200
7-20-14
I'm sorry you feel that way. Please wait while I transfer you to my supervisor.
My internet is slow and its your fault. I insist you speed me up immediately.
I can't get to my shopping sites anymore to use my downloaded coupons. I insist on talking to your superior.
I'm very sorry you're having that problem. Please wait while I transfer you to my supervisor.
I sent you 15 requests for supervisor today and I know you sent 11 of yours to me. How did you make out?
I gave them the name of a recently fired employee and got some great material for my tech comedy blog.

 

by JimBT200
7-21-14
To use this application you will need a minimum of 2gb of ram.
That's why I can't get anything done - I don't have enough ram!
You have too many open applications. Please close some applications before continuing.
I knew it. I can't get anything done until I get some more ram!
NASA sent the Apollo 11 Astronauts to the moon and back 45 years ago and they only had 64 k of ram. A single GB is a million "k"!
Well, they were very good users and they had outstanding tech support. NASA helped spur research that we benefit from today.

 

by JimBT200
7-22-14
What's this about a young man who wanted to become a writer?
There once was a young man who professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
How did he define "great"?
He said “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger
So what happened to him?
He works for Microsoft writing error messages.

 

by JimBT200
7-23-14
It turns out that there are thousands of movies that were never released on digital media, not available on DVD nor Netflix, nor anything - except VHS Tape.
Now you might think that having a fuzzy, low-resolution movie to look at would not necessarily be all that inviting.
You would be wrong. Movies like Howard the Duck, Treasure Island (with Charlton Heston) and others can be had only on huge Laserdisc platters or VHS.
And people are paying lots and lots of money on eBay for these movies - some in the Thousands of Dollars.
So, if you really want one that you can't get anywhere else you can purchase them for a lot of money online.
Or for just a dollar at almost any of your local flea markets and garage sales. Check - and then sell them on eBay!

 

by JimBT200
7-24-14
That first step off your high horse is going to be a bitch, honey, so tuck and roll.
You smell like drama and a headache. Please get away from me.
You play the victim so well I'm surprised you don't carry around your own body chalk.
Sometimes I look across the office at you and think "It must be wonderful coming to work and being completely useless."
No, I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see that you're a train wreck all the way from over here.
Just in case you need to use some of these for yourself, we collect them for you. You're welcome.

 

by JimBT200
7-25-14
I was reading some warnings online and I'm not sure about our policy if we are attacked by Zombies.
Zombies eat brains. You're safe.
Look, I've tried but I just can't figure out how to use my new tablet.
If you didn't read the manual you are uninformed. If you did read it, then you are simply misinformed.
I just spent an hour in HR learning about a 401k I don't currently have.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

 

by JimBT200
7-26-14
I.Q. of 160 and a Master's Degree in Chemical Engineering.
Dolph Lundgren from Rocky IV, the Expendables and many more action movies.
Bachelor of Science Degree in Computer Science and Mathematics.
Masi Oka of the T.V. shows Heroes and Hawaii-Five-O.
PhD in astrophysics from Imperial College London, and now serves as Chancellor of Liverpool John Moores University.
Brian May, guitarist for the legendary rock group Queen. I wish our politicians had the education of our movie stars.

 

by JimBT200
7-27-14
Many of you have asked me to do a strip on the most famous failed or bad technology of all time. That was easy to research but hard to choose a winner.
Obviously early contenders were LaLa Music Service, 3DTV, Motorola Xoom, Nokia N-Gage, UMPC's, HD-DVD's
We had to choose between those that won and then failed and those that were just bad.
MySpace, Betamax, DRM on PC games, Netscape, Sega Dreamcast all won big before they lost.
In the end we asked 25 people to choose between all the candidates and amazingly it was unanimous.
Windows ME

 

by JimBT200
7-28-14
Define HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Define MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
Define ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line going to the rear wheel.

 

by JimBT200
7-29-14
What is is that scares IT people the most? Networking? Infrastructure? Firewalls? Layer 3 Switches?
Those all require education, training and experience. Expertise comes later integrating all of those. But no, none of those scare us the worst.
So is it operating systems? Windows, Mac, Linux, embedded systems? Updates, patches, applications from 3rd party vendors?
Those require a fair amount of experience and usually Tier 2 and Tier 3 Techs will specialize in variants for their companies and then share. But no, it's not the worst.
Wireless? Programming? Programming Languages? We really want to know what scares you all the most.
Printers. Printer errors terrify us and nothing will escalate up the Tiers faster than a printing problem. I've seen grown men cry.

 

by JimBT200
7-30-14
"The concept is interesting, but to earn a better grade, the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University professor in response to Fred Smith''s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
Fred Smith went on to become the founder of Fed-Ex.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- Investors in the 1920's.
David Sarnoff led RCA for many years and tried to get investors to go in with him when he invested in Radio Stations.
"This ''telephone'' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
Alexander Graham Bell just had to keep all the money for himself and his newly created AT&T.

 

by JimBT200
7-31-14
This is a robot. A really great robot. It loves humans and helps them out in all kinds of ways. It was very popular in testing and kids especially fell in love with it.
I am Red Robot One. I love you.
But like anything that has software there are bugs and this one has a really big bug we have to find before we start shipping the advance orders.
I cannot believe my eyes and ears and I refuse to believe I could have a single flaw in my hardware, software or programming. I am Red Robot One and I love you.
If someone says "ass-monkey" the robot starts killing people.
Come closer - Red Robot must kill you now.

 

by JimBT200
8-01-14
Mankind has invented many wonderful things, but lest you think we cannot also fail, let's take a look at three "questionable" inventions.
In 1953 the military invented an M3 sub-machine gun with a curved barrel for shooting around corners.
That didn't really work out so well so it never got utilized. The next thing was even more bizarre.
In 1954 the President of Zeus Corp., Robert L. Stern, invented a rainy day cigarette holder which had a tiny umbrella over the tip of the cigarette.
It had very poor sales but Jack Paar used one on the Tonight Show in 1957 for a laugh. The best however is kept for last.
In 1964 a robot was designed by Claus Scholz of Vienna to answer the phone for people. It could not speak but the caller would hear the robot gears turning. No one ever bought one.

 

by JimBT200
8-02-14
STOP!
Stop what?
Stop making me smaller and smaller. I have been shrunk down so much I can't take it any more. Tablet. Phone. Watch. Glass. And now an eyeball?
Well you should know that they have just completed a computer in the lab that is only two atoms wide.
Shit!

 

by JimBT200
8-03-14
Yesterday I used a bad word while talking with a computer about how small they are becoming. My conscience wanted me to apologize as this is a normally clean comic strip.
Today I decided to seek guidance on the best way to make that apology.
But I do think that having to wear this outfit and say I'm sorry and won't do it again is a bit much.
I have some serious doubts that he is, in fact, sorry at all.

 

by JimBT200
8-04-14
I know you have a lot to teach me but that can wait. Show me how to play ToonTown.
That's a great Disney adventure. And playing is good but you should spend some of your time learning.
I know you have a lot to teach me but that can wait. Show me how to play Solitaire, Words with Friends, Farmville and more.
Those are great and you can play them on your desktop, smartphone or tablet but you should spend some of your time learning.
I no longer care what you could have taught me. I still like playing games. Show me how to play Mahjong and Hearts.
You should know that you can now be buried with your favorite tablet and two batteries just in case.

 

by JimBT200
8-05-14
Just about everything that could go wrong today has gone wrong. I almost feel like my name should be Murphy.
So today was a good day, then. On bad days you are often bleeding and your clothes are sometimes torn.
That's ridiculous. Life is always throwing us curves and it's not possible to maintain the "appropriate state of mind" in your stupid AiPAL.
Actually it is. Without using any of the "proverbial phrases" you get to make a choice each and every time how you react to life.
So you're saying when life gives you lemons, you should . . .
Take them! Free stuff is cool.

Showing page 2.

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