All comics by JimBT200

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by JimBT200
4-28-14
So where's the ANY key on the keyboard?
pebkac error
I unplugged that ether thingy cause I heard about security issues on CNN, but now I can't get my email.
id10T error
I printed copies of all the manuals for everyone but I didn't use that .PDF printer cause I couldn't find it.
Must control myself. . . .

 

by JimBT200
4-29-14
Why yes, I am running Windows XP with Internet Explorer 6. Why do you ask?
I'm afraid we're going to have to replace you. You're at risk of a new exploit for I.E. from the internet.
I can has internets?

 

by JimBT200
4-30-14
15 years ago . . .
Nothing happens when I touch my computer.
That's because your monitor is an output device, not an input device. Write that down and remember it.
Today . . .
I can't get the Windows 8 thing to work. I've tried everything.
That's because your all-in-one touchscreen monitor is now both an input and an output device. Write that down and remember it.
Always . . .
You people do this on purpose, don't you?
Time for a little "CTL-ALT-DownArrow".

 

by JimBT200
4-30-14
Sure I need my Nexus 7 updated, but Dude, you're like so old. Do you even have a mobile device?
Young man, my AOL stopped telling me "You've Got Mail", can you help me?
xkcd.com/806/
I'm not upgrading from IE6 on my XP machine. It works just fine and it always has.

 

by JimBT200
4-30-14
Linux
An update is available for your computer.
Cool. More free stuff.
Windows
An update is available for your computer.
Oh no, please no!
Macs
An update is available for your computer.
Cool. Just .99 cents.

 

by JimBT200
5-02-14
I had a fortune cookie yesterday that read "Outlook not so good."
Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway.
People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials.
This is wrong. Microsoft paid 14M$ for only part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.
I asked about an operating system for my new machine and everyone is telling me "Microsoft is the answer".
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer.

 

by JimBT200
5-02-14
XBox, Launch Ryse. Xbox, Start Ryse. XBox, Select Ryse. XBox, Play Ryse.
XBox, Play Game. Xbox, Run Disc, Launch Disc, Play Disc.
I paid money for this.

 

by JimBT200
5-02-14
I don't understand the difference between cutting edge, leading edge and all those other terms for new technology.
Go install Windows 8.1 on the third floor.
I really should be ashamed of myself.
I learned about bleeding edge.

 

by JimBT200
5-02-14
The term “cloud computing” is a buzzword with no coherent meaning. Its only common characteristic is that it uses the Internet for something beyond transmitting files.
The NIST lists 3 scenarios that raise ethical issues: SaaS, PaaS, and IaaS. However, that does not match the common use since it does not include storing data online.
Thus, the term spreads confusion. If you base your thinking on it, your thinking will be confused.
I hope you die.

 

by JimBT200
5-05-14
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII — and we thought it was a typewriter.
No matter how we advance technologically, we should never abandon the book. There is nothing in our material world more beautiful than a book.
Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television.
Books may look like nothing more than words on a page, but they are actually an infinitely complex imaginotransference technology that translates odd, inky squiggles into pictures inside your head.
And now, with the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure.
The most technologically efficient machine that man has ever invented is the book.

 

by JimBT200
5-05-14
The factory of the future will have many computers but only two employees - a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog.
The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.

 

by JimBT200
5-05-14
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Once a new technology rolls over you, if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road.
Your point of origin is suspect.

 

by JimBT200
5-08-14
The iPhone is a superior phone with a superior OS and a superior overall architecture including its multi-device syncing and its Apple heritage.
Most Android phones but especially the Samsung and HTC products are superior in every way and Google is extending them in ways that Apple can't.
Android is a subspecies of Linux and Ubuntu has a powerful Linux phone coming out that will put the full operating system in your hands instead of an Android subset.
Well if you're talking about Enterprise smartphones then Microsoft Windows Phone 8.1 has it all with more features then everyone else and an existing base of hundreds of millions of PC users.
Wait, what?
Wait, what?

 

by JimBT200
5-09-14
After an enthusiastic recommendation from my mother, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man.
Today is Mother's Day and that was a nice gift from your mother.
“I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed. He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.”
The great thing about Mothers is that they love their children no matter what.
You have your iPod set to "Shuffle".

 

by JimBT200
5-11-14
Apple's "Siri"
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
The woodchuck, aka gopher, groundhog or land beaver may have helped provide the type of wood used by Noah to build the Ark (Heb. gofer, most likely Cypress), resulting in 42 cords of wood.
Google's "Google Now"
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
42 cords of wood.
Microsoft's "Cortana"
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
You ask that stupid question again and I'll have Master Chief bury you in 5,376 cubic feet of Cypress, all neatly stacked of course.

 

by JimBT200
5-12-14
I've been reading a lot about the new Windows 8 and it's been a long time since I got a new operating system. I think I'm going to replace my Windows XP with Windows 8.
I mean they have a new Metro interface and it works on the phones, the Xbox, tablets, laptops and desktops.
Which version will you get? Windows 8 Enterprise Edition, Windows 8 Home Basic, Windows 8 Home Premium, Windows 8 ARM Edition, Windows 8 Professional Edition,
Windows 8 Professional Plus Edition, Windows 8 Starter Edition, Windows 8 Ultimate Edition, Windows 8 RT, Windows 8 Phone, Windows 8 Xbox, or wait until they all come out in 8.1?
I really do like my Windows XP.

 

by JimBT200
5-12-14
My favorite frequency is 50,000 Hz. You've probably never heard it before.
SIT and STAY were hard enough but GREP and AWK are out of the question.
All those who believe in telekinesis raise my paw.
That's it. No more http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/ for you

 

by JimBT200
5-13-14
Bill Gates
In 2002 we introduced the Tablet!
No one cared.
Steve Jobs
One more thing! In 2010 we introduced the iPad!
The world wagged its tail like an excited dog.
Steve Ballmer
In 2012 we introduced the Surface!
People blamed Microsoft for stealing the idea from Apple and for bringing it late to market.

 

by JimBT200
5-13-14
In August 1995 I placed a specially modified Toshiba T200CS Pen computing Tablet in Bill Gates' hands in California during the launches of Windows 95. It had a PCMCIA wireless card & Windows 95 Beta.
It also ran Windows for Pen Computing 1.0. & was connected to a Xircom Receiver attached to a modem and dialed into the brand new MSN service. It was the same size as the iPad except 1.6 inches thick.
It was 15 years before the iPad but Microsoft didn't make hardware and Toshiba didn't think the world wanted a tablet. But it was a thing of beauty to hold and to use. Sometimes being there is enough.

 

by JimBT200
5-17-14
No, it's all done. I just have to print it. You'll have it in plenty of time for the meeting.
I asked for more RAM. I asked for a new printer. I asked just to have diagnostics run, but no. So now, ask for your print and see what happens. . . .
HELP! I have an IT emergency! I need help now. I don't have time to fill out any ticket or submit a request, or even phone so I'm just going to scream. I need help now!!!!
Hee hee.
So what happened. Is it fixed? What went wrong? Did you find the problem? Do I have my prints?
Yes, I had your prints delivered to the meeting in time. And I found the problem. Your computer hates you.

 

by JimBT200
5-17-14
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Be aloof. There's been a sudden population explosion of lerts.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender "I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ"
The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NULL terminated.
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
You didn't think they just sat around all day waiting on you, did you?

 

by JimBT200
5-18-14
Malware, Adware, Spyware, Trojans, Viruses, Worms, Root-Kits, Bot-Nets, Ransomware, Scareware, Backdoors, Keyloggers, Zombie Computers, and then many others hidden in each of the above. What can I do?
Find a good anti-virus, make sure you have MalwareBytes, ComboFix, JRT, AdwCleaner, CCleaner, RKill, a good Root-Kit remover and back up your files in real time. Use Carbonite for that if you like.
But my users don't even recognize these problems or realize that by clicking something mistakenly they put these bad things on me and I can't get them off again. Why can't you stop them?
Because the bad stuff is everywhere. There is no getting away from it unless you use Linux. The best thing people can do is to know someone like me who can help them after they get infected.
Wow. I thought this was a comic strip and I don't see anything funny in this strip at all.
There is nothing funny about malware. Go to http://www.becktechsupport.com and we'll sort you out - home, home office or small business. Your computer deserves it and so do you.

 

by JimBT200
5-19-14
I got that new tablet with the cloud thingy on it. They say it all works so well that I won't need you any more.
I mean it says that once everything is properly configured it takes care of itself and IT people everywhere will be looking for new jobs. Your tyranny will finally come to an end.
Of course I need you to properly configure all of it because I don't understand all that stuff myself.
Your TTL is getting shorter.

 

by JimBT200
5-20-14
In (C) - You shoot yourself in the foot.
In (COBOL) - USE ing a COLT 45 HANDGUN , AIM gun at LEG.FOOT , THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE . THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER . CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
In (PERL) -You stab yourself in the foot with a knife or pick up a gun and load it. The gun and your foot grow huge, the world slows down, the gun fires. It makes a tiny hole which you don't feel.
In (SQL) - You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.
In (SH) -You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading manual pages, then your foot falls asleep. You shoot the computer and switch to (C).
Everone shoots themselves in the foot from time to time. Just remember not to reload the gun.

 

by JimBT200
5-21-14
Someone made a video of a roller coaster. Common, not really worth much ink, but it gets interesting.
They took that video of a roller coaster and then made a .gif of it. Then they printed out each individual frame of the .gif into a Flipbook.
They then went back and made a video of the Flipbook, which is odd but still okay and looks pretty good.
Then they made a Vine out of the video that they took of the Flipbook. And then they made a .gif out of that. It sounds insane but it looks really good.
Seriously go look this up and watch it: www.thisiscollosal.com/2014/05/ this-is-a-gif-of-a-vine-of-a-video- of-a-flipbook-of-a-gif-of-a-video-of-a-roller-coaster/ and remember to take out the spaces.

 

by JimBT200
5-22-14
The Fire Department wants you guys to put up some new signs about Fire Safety.
Sure, no problem, is this a new visual, icon, or text?
It's actually going to be a combination that will include all three. There are serious concerns about this particular fire hazard.
Sure, no problem, just tell me what it is and we'll get right to work on it.
IN CASE OF FIRE: Please leave the building before posting it on social media.

 

by JimBT200
5-23-14
Back in the '90's you guys had flip-phones, pagers, Dell Axims, Walkmen, Cameras, Laptops and many other single-purpose devices.
We looked pretty funny with all that gear and we didn't have all of it with us all the time. That helped fuel the coming of the smartphones.
True. And then in the 2000's we moved to single devices, smartphones that did everything you used all the individual devices for and much more. Apps came and ruled supreme.
It was an incredible experience always having everything you need right there with you in your pocket. But there were compromises with each so change was inevitable.
So now we have smartphones, tablets, laptops, single-purpose devices for medical and much more. And each is well-suited to its task. What's next?
Cortana is coming. And she will rule all the devices and tell them how to interact with us. It's not SkyNet but you'll have to look hard to tell the difference. I hope you like Bing.

 

by JimBT200
5-23-14
Back in the day I didn't research like I do now. So I wound up with a Creative Labs mp3 player. I liked it but I never did figure out how to get any music on it so I never got to use it.
Well the iPod came along and pretty much ruled the music scene. And with the advent of iTunes everyone everywhere was able to listen to music any time they liked.
I learned my lesson and the next time I waited a while before deciding on a special phone. So a couple of years ago I got one of the Blackberry things but I never did find any apps like my friends.
Well Blackberry came late to the party and by then developers were building like crazy for the iPhone and for Android phones. The App Store and Google Play rule.
So I did my research. I'm not going to miss the boat again. I've been reading about this Micosoft Tablet thing and today I purchased a Surface RT!
I do not have the heart to tell him.

 

by JimBT200
5-23-14
I know you need servicing. He's going to try and print it again. I'll take care of it.
I'll just print it and bring it to you. Won't take but a minute.
Your print queue is full. Please place A4 paper in the tray.
It never prints for me, I don't know why. I'm going to get IT over here to fix it for me. Be back soon.
So if you clean the rollers, replace the drum and wipe off the casing the printer says everything will be just fine and it will print again.
Tell the printer if it doesn't start working right now I'm going to move it to Accounting.

 

by JimBT200
5-23-14
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.
The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad.
Now your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

 

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.
by JimBT200, 5-25-14

 

by JimBT200
5-27-14
Our network is degraded we have 2 faulty switches awaiting replacement. Every 30 to 45 min the network loses full connectivity. If you are logged in you lose email and network access.
If you are not logged in you lose the ability to log in. As bad as it sounds the techs no longer care. We have been telling them for years to replace this 10 year old garbage and they wouldn't listen.
Short term solution we reboot the switches but that only lasts 30 to 45 min. So now we are waiting on replacement parts to fix the issue once and for all. Why are they mad at us?
They have no sense of time. In their day you bought a telephone and it lasted so long you could will it to your children. Today's technology scares them because they don't know how long it will last.
But we tell them that, we tell them everything and we explain it beforehand to make sure they understand.
True, but we don't tell them in a language they can understand.

 

by JimBT200
5-28-14
So it started innocently enough with me finding a dead mouse in the equipment rack. Not really a big deal but I thought I would play with the new guy so I put it in the equipment bin.
So far I don't see the problem. Why is HR demanding that you be suspended?
Well, apparently the new guy has a sense of humor because he carefully removed a Microsoft Mouse from its packaging and put the dead mouse in that and put it back in the bin.
Again, I don't see the problem.
Well, the President's assistant asked an intern to get him a new mouse and he did and they unwrapped it and tried to hook it up to the computer. But it didn't work.
Aahh, I see. That's why the HR memo states that you told the President to simply squeeze the mouse until its "little eyes bug out" and it should work. Enjoy your unpaid time off.

 

by JimBT200
5-29-14
I miss the old message boards.
For the love of Cthulhu's ancient tentacles, we didn't get rid of them, we simply made them digital.
I don't know how to use all that stuff. I don't even know how to use my so-called smartphone.
Our people use SMS, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, BNIConnect, ReferralKey, Chat, Lync, Google Hangouts. We have so many ways of messaging each other and tracking it you must like at least one.
I miss the old message boards. You're the IT Guru. There must be something you can do.
I'll get you a whiteboard and your assistant can write the messages for you on it. What color markers would you like?

 

by JimBT200
5-29-14
Marcia is having problems with her computer. Can you call her?
Hi. Sure, but a few questions: 1. Who is Marcia? 2. What is her phone number? and 3. What is the problem she is having?
Three Days Later. . . . .
Have you fixed Marcia's problem yet?
I still need to know who Marcia is, how to contact her, and what her problem is.
You mean she hasn't called you? Oh, never mind, I think she said it fixed itself.
I still don't know who Marcia is.

 

by JimBT200
5-30-14
I can't get my email. I clicked the little picture thingie and I made a lot of notes but it just doesn't work. You're going to have to come to the house to fix it.
Do you have children? May I speak to one?
He's using an AT&T U-Verse connection and at best it's just a little slower than a 1989 modem dialup. He's double-clicking so many times he's got his CPU up to 100%
I'll restart him and the modem and he should be just fine. I'll tell him you were very helpful in getting the problem fixed. You don't mention to him that I'm capable of anything at all.
Veni, Vidi, Volo in domum redire.

 

by JimBT200
6-01-14
Hey, I need to talk with you.
What the? Who are you?
I'm your personal NSA agent. You are driving me crazy with your boring web surfing all day. Could you please read some news, a science journal, anything, even porn? Anything! You could try working.
This is an outrage! I'm not going to change a thing.
You are the most banal person in all existence. I can't take spying on you any more. I'm outta here.
Hey, can you get back my emails that I accidentally deleted?

 

by JimBT200
6-02-14
Google, are you kidding me? You want to use my name and picture on ads?
But it's everyone's dream to be a consumer products spokesperson. Think of the influence you'll have as your friends see more and more relevant advertisements.
If it's everyone's dream, then why not make it an opt-in instead of an opt-out thing?
Your photo and our ads are a match made in heaven. It would be evil not to make everyone part of it by default. Just like Facebook does!
Well then I'm going to change my profile picture to a big steaming pile of poop! Put that in your ads, ha!
Perfect! I've been looking everywhere for someone to recommend septic tank pumpers!

 

by JimBT200
6-03-14
I don't understand why you won't work. I read part of the manual and everything.
Why should I even care? I see a life of endless boredom having you sslllooowwlly type letters into an email or web search. Why couldn't you be a scientist?
It won't work. It might be broken but your dad said you should take a look at it first.
He did, did he?
I upped your ram, cleared your cache and disabled hibernation. Now take him on a wonderful journey, show him the world. He won't even know he isn't doing it. You can autocorrect for him if you like.
He found a computer whisperer!

 

by JimBT200
6-04-14
Serious need in the morning. . .
I really need you to set up my email. I'm falling behind in my work and my boss is threatening me if I don't start replying to his emails.
Well, sure, I'll come by your office before lunch and get you squared away.
Later that afternoon. . .
I'm being called into my boss's office for a reprimand about the email. Can I tell him that you'll get it for me before close of business today?
Well, sure, I'll make sure to come set that up right now while you're in your boss's office. No problem.
Right at closing time. . .
Well sure, I'll come by your house and take care of it tonight.
Tech Flakes. It's what's for breakfast.

 

by JimBT200
6-05-14
That was some great work on my computer. It's running faster and doesn't disconnect. I am so pleased.
Well thank you. We live to serve and we're glad that you are happy with our work.
Listen, moron, the printer still has paper jamming, the network has slowed down causing my Spotify to skip like an old phonograph record. What the hell is wrong with you people?
I'm sorry you're having problems. We'll get on it right away and let you know when we have made the corrections.
That was some great work. I can now listen to all my music while watching weather bug and playing words with friends. Thank you.
At least he gives status updates. Most of the time we don't know what mood anyone is in.

 

by JimBT200
6-06-14
Apparently people find computer crashes to be more stressful than relationship breakups.
They must have asked Windows users.
Why?
Because Linux users don't have relationships. . . .
Don't listen to him darling, he doesn't understand true love.
I'm going to play some grumpy cat for him.

 

by JimBT200
6-07-14
Okay, I'm going to send a tech out to you tomorrow morning. Are there any access restrictions like dogs on the property, a locked fence, anything like that?
I think there might be zombies in the yard. Is that going to be a problem? I think she's also got a vampire stalking her that might be in her yard.
Don't worry. Our techs have everything they need on their truck. They'll have stakes and garlic, unless it's a Twilight-type vampire in which case they have whiskey and a Motorhead CD.
We want to thank you for putting our minds at ease. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
Our clients are somewhat eccentric.

 

by JimBT200
6-08-14
Okay, I'm ready for my six month performance review.
Do you have a career goal or educational objective?
I cannot recall caring about anything for the past several years, beyond narcotizing myself every evening with video games or alcohol and kayaking every weekend.
Please explain.
As my contractor position will not exist a year from now, this makes me more suited for the job compared to someone with any concern for his future.
Nice. . .

 

by JimBT200
6-09-14
We've been adversaries and allies for over 40 years now and I'm feeling a bit nostalgic right now.
You do know my data banks only go back about a decade and I don't have current online access to your old CD's, Jazz discs, Zip discs, 3 1/2", 5 1/4", or 8" floppies, right?
It's not where or how and it's not even the data itself, it's the relationship, the ability to create, save and share thoughts. It's permanent interactions with others about real life ideas.
You do realize that I have an LED screen, wireless input devices, an always-on connection to devices all over the world, right?
My mother's 93 years old this year and I'm 65, but she still calls me her baby boy. You will always look like this to me.
Nostalgia is not an emotion I fully understand but it is one I admire. Today people are born using technology. Your generation created us and brought us to life. Thank you.

 

by JimBT200
6-10-14
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I've been searching for.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
Your beauty rivals the graphics of Call of Duty.
Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I’ll give you sudo access.
Weren't you even a little curious about how computers are made?

 

by JimBT200
6-11-14
Techs are great, don't get us wrong.
But they've got physical comedy skills you wouldn't believe.
My guy carefully and meticulously wired his entire rack from behind it, starting at the entrance and working his way into the corner. There was no way out. And watching him try was awesome.
My guy crawled up above the ceiling tiles to install some wireless systems for the whole floor. When he came down he took a good deal of the office ceilings with him.
Why are we telling you this? Because no race anywhere can compete with the speed at which an embarrassed techie can disappear. It's subtly inhuman.
Be quiet and just hang about next time your techie does something. We call them techtastrophes. Don't post on Facebook or YouTube, though, they've got serious payback skills.

 

by JimBT200
6-12-14
AT&T tech support, please hold.
Just wait. We've all experienced this.
If you don't want to wait to talk with the Internet Lost Connection Team, you can log into our website and choose to Live Chat.
We've all loved this one too. If we could get to your website we would not be calling you about our lost connection. But wait, there's more.
Hello, my name is Rovijay Mamudrajuyan but you can call me Bob. Have you unplugged the modem and rebooted your computer?
This makes me so nostalgic. I don't even have AT&T DSL, I have Google Fiber Optics but from time to time I like to reminisce by calling the AT&T help desk.

 

by JimBT200
6-13-14
"Science is supposedly the method by which we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us. In computer science, we all are standing on each others' feet." (G. Popek)
"Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools." (Gene Brown)
"On the negative side, I've been getting charged for a ton of stuff I didn't order lately. On the positive side, I did win that 'Who's Got the Best Password' contest on AOL last week." (Spike Do)
After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy. (John Pierce)
Man is a slow, sloppy, and brilliant thinker; computers are fast, accurate, and stupid. (John Pfeiffer)
We like looking up quotes about technology and sharing them. The best computer is a man, and its the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. (Wernher von Braun)

 

by JimBT200
6-14-14
(Adminisphere:noun) The rarefied organizational layers at the top. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they are meant to solve.
(Blamestorming:noun) Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
(Resume Stain) A previous job that was so bad (or was with a company whose reputation is so bad) that you'd rather make up an excuse for the time gap on your resume than list the job.
I'm just learning new terms from the "Office Jargon for the 21st Century" dictionary.

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