All comics by LuckyGuess

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by LuckyGuess
11-07-05
I distinctly heard something sexy.
Doesn't matter. You've entered a murderous psychosis.
There could be a pile of nude sixteen year old cheerleaders in there waiting to have sex with you and it wouldn't matter.
But for the sake of argument, let's say there were.
I'm not getting a strong feeling of focus from you. We're a team, and there's no "orgy" in "team."

 

by LuckyGuess
11-07-05
I'm itchy.
You can itch yourself with the spinal cord of your cheating wife.
Is a spinal cord a viable itching device?
Yes, but watch the vertebrea. They sting like a bitch.
I'm not so sure about this whole revenge dismemberment anymore.
Why don't you just grow a vagina and go to Olive Garden, Pansy McPansyton.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-07-05
Uh...hello...dear....
Honey? Are you alright?
Just a sec.
One more second for us!
Well? What's the hold up, pansy boy?
For a mental embodiment of hate, you sure aren't very nice.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-07-05
Look, I'm just saying it would be cool to taste psycho-bacon. I'm not threatening you.
Hey, leave my mother out of this.
Are you the crazy husband?
Eh?
I'm your wife's mistress, Heather. You know, you're kinda cute for a murderous psychopath.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-07-05
So Heather is a barely legal 18 year old Catholic schoolgirl with a wild side?
Yep.
And now that you've finished your kinky lesbian sex, you both want to jump my cock?
Sounds about right.
Oh, so now I'M the bad guy.
We need to have a serious discussion.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-08-05
Oh yeah! Yeah! Take it, Heather!
Ah! Ah! Your husband is a stud!
It's your turn, honey!
Give it to me! Yes! Yes!
Your turn, pansy boy.
MANUAL OVERLOAD! MANUAL OVERLOOOOOOOOAD!

 

by LuckyGuess
11-10-05
Mr. Shantaleequon, I presume? Have a seat.
Thanks, playa. Call me Pizmshit.
I'll pass. I assume you know why I called you in here.
For the food, playa! You got some crackin pamento loaf in the waiting room.
I didn't put any food out.
Now it wasn't chicken or watermelon slices, but it was pretty damn close.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-10-05
Look, you have prostate cancer.
What? Pro-state? I'm not pro-state unless Clinton is reelected.
No, PROSTATE cancer.
Clinton was a Pimp, my nigga. I wonder what happened to that fool. He should be on Real World.
Your going to die.
Bitch, you better take that back fo' I cut a hole up this bitch, bitch.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-10-05
I'm sorry. The tumor is too large to operate.
Who's tumor? I'll grab my GATT and bitch his ass with some lead.
You are the single most stereotypical black man I have ever met.
Representin.
I hope your death is long and painful.
That's the struggle, my nigga. G-G-G- G-U-NIT!

 

by LuckyGuess
11-10-05
NEXT!
Doctor Lizrard Thing?
Let me refer you to my dick, which you can suck on.
I laugh at your incompetent typing skills.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-10-05
I am an enchanted...
Zieg Heil!
There's no fucking way.
My wish is ready, Miss Fairy.
Welcome to the Temple. Can I help you?
Eliminate...all ...targets.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-11-05
I need to find a reasonably sane person to grant wishes to.
Anybody would be...
Hello. Are you a wish granting fairy, perhaps?
Sorry, but I don't grant wishes to anyone with a standing army over nine hundred million strong.
Don't make me go Tienemen Square on your ass.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-12-05
Okay, so fix up the economy with a braduated income tax, replace US troops with UN troops and stop fixing local Iraqi elections...
...eliminate torture as an interrogation procedure, repeal the patriot act, and cut government spending on weapons while reallocating money into public programs...
I'm back from my heart surgery.
AHHHH! Oh, Dick... you aren't dead yet?

 

by LuckyGuess
11-12-05
Hey, I have a couple questions about the college application process.
No you don't! Your grades are horrible, you aren't involved in any extra-curricular activities, and can't write an essay worth shit.
Besides, even if you did get into a non-community college with some kind of voodoo mind-control, I'm sure you'd just get pregnant in the first semester and drop out to become a hair stylist.
Did you get into a good college?
Hell no! I'm a 23 year old guidance counselor at the high school I barely graduated from! Why are you even listening to me?

 

by LuckyGuess
11-12-05
We need more Raid to dip your stale Toquitos in.
How long have you been growing down here?
Less questions, more Raid. Move it, blacky.
I...eh..okay...
So how much is- Oh my God.
RAID PARTY AT BLACK DUDES HOUSE! WOO!

 

by LuckyGuess
11-12-05
Are you LuckyGuess?
Yeah. Why?
Oh.
Much better. And don't forget some stereotypical white jokes.
Okay...well...I'll make him shop at Wal-Mart. Wait, that's the Mexicans, right? Ah, shit. Help me out here, I'm not very good at this.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-13-05
So now I have to grant YOU a wish?
That's right, tit fairy! Solo!
You are the worst guitarist I've ever heard.
Bullshit! You just cant comprehend real talent! I wish for a band worthy of my amazing guitar abilities!
Put your hands together for Anti-Flag!
America can kiss my butt hair! Solo!

 

by LuckyGuess
11-22-05
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
A cripple.
Uh... well, that too...
That was easy. Do another one.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-22-05
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Drowned.
That's not what I meant...
Too easy! Try again.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-22-05
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a mailbox?
A mob hit.
Dude.
Or is that a mafia hit?
Maybe I should go now...
This is fun! Again!

 

by LuckyGuess
11-22-05
I'm leaving now.
Wait! I'll do one! What do you call a mexican woman with no arms?
Thanks for the train, mommy!
Merry Christmas, son!
Mommy...
No! It's called a mexicripple! HAW!

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-05
I totally got the X-Box 360. It kicks serious ass.
How can you be so self-centered when children starve and die in Uganda every day?
I bet the starving children in Uganda would appreciate my X-Box 360.
I bet they would if it were made of ham.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-05
I've been downloading some sweet hardcore porn on my iPod lately. Now I get porn where I want it, when I want it.
That's pretty sad, dude.
I've got Asian, petite, supermodel and teen.
I think petit is like teen, but I'll have to make sure. Give me your iPod and I promise I won't run away with it while laughing.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-05
Dude, I went on Stripcreator and looked up your comics, but you had a hella low...
...dude.
Hold on, let me put on pants. Then we'll discuss.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-05
I'm glad you agreed to come out here, Jared.
Free food, man. I was here when you said "Two Western Bacon Cheeseburgers for the price of one."
I want to talk to you about your comics.
One time the guy at our Carl's Jr. substituted lettuce and mayonnaise for the barbecue sauce and onion rings.
Stop talking about delicious burgers and listen.
I was so pissed I considered returning the food, but I was already eating it and that probably voids the warranty or something.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-05
You said on your MySpace that the comics were good.
What? No I didn't.
It clearly said "Go read my funny comics."
It clearly said "Go read my UNfunny comics."
I distinctly remember funny without a prefix.
I distinctly remember fucking your mom last night without a prefix. Hey, how do you like the costume? The tag says five hundred but I don't think the'll mind if I leave with it on.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-28-05
Look, I like writing comics, okay? That's all there is to it. I don't really mind a low rating.
You should care about what othr people think of you.
Look, it's just not that big a deal. Nobody cares what I do anyway, so I figure it's not important if my comics are rated highly as long as somebody enjoys them.
That's a good point. You should tell that to the police convoy headed this way.
I swear, officer, I didn't even know I was wearing it.
If you didn't know you were wearing it then it must have abducted you, and that just means I'll arrest the suit and take you in as evidence.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-29-05
Hey man, what's up?
Nothin much.
This is why they put you in a that basement in Idaho.
I wanted to call a haunt hotline, but I kept getting some screaming Asian lady.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-30-05
Hello? Barry? Are you down here?
I'm gonna turn on the light now...
Cadbury eggs...
Oh dear Jesus.

 

by LuckyGuess
11-30-05
Oh crap. I hope to God you aren't my next assignment.
As a matter of fact, I am! I wish for a great television show to host that will make me millions of dollars!
Well you know what? HERE's YOUR FUCKING SHOW! I'M TIRED OF SOLVING THE PROBLEMS OF YOU SNIVELING SHITS! THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED A WISH IS BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A FAILURE TO DO ANYTHING YOURSELF!
Um...so do I get a show now or what?
Holy buttfucking Christ.
...TOO MUCH OF A FAILURE TO DO ANYTHING YOURSELF!

 

by LuckyGuess
12-01-05
Dear Jared, I want you to try out this new game I found. It's really fun and I think you'll enjoy it. -Nicole
NeoPets, eh? let's try this out.
Oh. Gay Poke'mon. How entertaining.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-01-05
Welcome to Neopets. Please sign up.
Input your screenname, password, state and zip code.
Before you begin, please select one or more of our sponsors you would like to E-Mail you relentlessly, using up all the room in your free hotmail account you got because you have no money.
You have chosen to skip our sponsor page, in order to play the game faster. For your consideration, we've added your name to all our sponsors mailing lists.
Wow. This game IS fun.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-01-05
Please select the species of your NeoPet.
This species is a limited edition, and we have run out. Please select another type.
This species is a limited edition, and we have run out. Please select another type.
This species is a limited edition, and we have run out. Please select another type.
You have chosen "Really Crappy Monster that Looks stupid and has bad stats." You may no longer go back to select a pet. Please input name.
Name Error: Please, do not use profanity when naming your pet.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-01-05
Because you are a new user, you qualify for the newbie pack. This ensures that that you have items your NeoPet can use when you play the game.
Congratulations! You have recieved an Ultra Rare item from your newbie pack! The chances of getting the "Christmas Ettephant" are 1:400000!
Something has happened!
A ghost has appeared and ransacked your inventory!
Your "Christmas Ettephant" was turned into a pile of sludge!
Ghost has attacked your NeoPet!
Your NeoPet took damage and died! You must now pay more neopoints than you can get from five straight days playing crappy flash games on the site to revive him.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-02-05
Dear Nicole, I hate you. Not only was my inventory emptied in a shitty random event, but my guy is really weak and can't kill anything.
Try shopping in Neopia Central. You can find cheap items there.
Sorry! We're out of stock. We restock every eight minutes, so try again later!
Sorry! We're out of stock. We restock every eight minutes, so try again later!
45 minutes later...
Sorry! We're out of stock. We restock every eight minutes, so try again later!
What a coincidence! I restock my bitterness every eight minutes, too!

 

by LuckyGuess
12-02-05
Welcome to Neopia central!
The Money Tree: Items other users have donated can be picked up here for free! Don't be greedy, because every item you take lowers the chances of finding something in the game!
Please select an item.
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.
Please select an item.
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-02-05
Please select an item.
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.
Please select an item.
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.
Please select an item.
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-02-05
Please select an item!
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.
Please select an item!
Sorry! Another person took it while you were pondering.
Please select an item!
Congratulations! You recieved a "Pile of Sludge" donated by LuckyGuess. Your chances of finding an item exponentially better than "Pile of Sludge" has been reduced to zero. Go fuck yourself.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-06-05
My girlfriend broke up with me.
I'm sorry, dude. When did this happen?
A month ago.
Why is it important now?
I heard she slept with her new boyfriend.
That bitch!

 

by LuckyGuess
12-06-05
So what have you done about it?
Ignored her completely in the hopes I can block her out.
How's that working out?
We have a lot of classes together.
I see.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-06-05
Whoa? What happened?
Apparently, this idiot forgot to hit the clone panel.
What a tard!
Seriously.
That doesn't solve my problem, though.
I recommend base jumping and fast cars.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-06-05
Picking up a good woman is an undeniably hard task.
Sorry, but I like you as a friend.
Men struggle with the ideals present in a perfect mate and getting to stick their dick into something that isn't a pencil sharpener.
I only date black guys.
Inevitably, we go for the easy win.
Lets have sex right now under the table so I can post a steamy blog about it.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-06-05
I've been considering joining a Scientology Institute.
Really?
It sounds good, and the first monthly payment is only $29.99, ten dollars off the regular price!
You know that's a scam, right?
What?! Are you oppressing my chosen religion?
Yes I am.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-07-05
Next!
Oh dear lord. Not you again.
Hey, baby! What's crackalakin?
One Blood Test Later
I'm going to tell this to you with my serious doctor face, but rest assured I'm laughing on the inside.
What is it, bitch? More pamento loaf?

 

So you're saying that ghosts work like flamingos?
Just don't start eating pink shrimp, and I won't have to save you from gay pride week. Or an AFI concert. Which is like gay pride week.
by LuckyGuess, 12-09-05

 

by LuckyGuess
12-09-05
Sorry, but I can't allow you to enter the terminal if you have weapons of mass destruction in your rectum.
If Santa doesn't have me to light the way, who will give presents to the children?
You Liberals are all the same.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-10-05
Hey, Pete.
Juan.
You're still not talking to me?
Testicle impaler.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-10-05
Hey man, I was just checking the solar heating capacity of your windows. Chill.
Look! I'm not moving! No funny stuff! I'll just wait for you to calm down.
Hey, it's Dan! Did you like that cardboard cutout of you I gotcha for Christmas?
The best part is the video camera in the forehead.

 

by LuckyGuess
12-12-05
Well, baby New Year, it's time you learned the ropes before my passing.
One: find a sexy woman and bang the shit out of her around April...that's when you'll be in your prime.
Gurble.
Oh, and use a condom after she has the first baby. Wouldn't want the fabric of reality to disintigrate, now would we?

 

by LuckyGuess
12-13-05
Hail Jesus! Look at the blood running from this statue's face!
Tonight, crazy Sacramento residents are putting expensive jewlery on the ground next to a Jesus statue I marked with a pen while I was drunk last night.
We now go to our correspondant at the Vactican to hear the Catholic churches official response.
Your Holiness, the people are in a state of unrest. What do you have to say about this scandal?
Look at the puppet. See the puppet? Wow, isn't it cool? Catholicism is the only true faith. Keep looking at the puppet. Oh look, he's dancing!

Showing page 2.

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