All comics by Mocha_Monk

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by Mocha_Monk
11-12-03
A few pints later. . .
So, I can't get over the irony of you presribing the thing that got me into this mess to get me out of it.
"We can never see past the choices we don't understand."
So, I basically i should take the beer as a reset, wake up tommorow and not think about it?
"The woods are wonderous, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep."
And there's another round to go. Guinness you're my only friend.
"As you wish"

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-14-03
Pint number seven. . .
"That biker over there, he gave me a look, you got my back, right?
"You shall not pass!"
Pint number eight. . .
Dude, Guiness, that stripper says she's wants me to go home with her. What do you think?
"Who's scruffy lookin'?"
Pint. . .lost track.
After awhile, you don' talk too smart.
"This is my BOOMstick!"

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-16-03
Ok, so I vote we do last night again, but this time without Guinness, his advice sucks.
Things didn't go so well with that stripper, boyo?
I smelled VD, so I remember yelling something about a fire and shoving her out the door.
That's compassionate of you. did you at least call her a cab?
That takes money and compassion. I'm broke and I'm all out of morals.
Then how did she get. . .dude, did Chloe stay here last night?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-16-03
Dude, don't tell me you might have boned the stripper.
I don't know, my sheets smell like girl, and I've got kind of a fuzzy memory of. . .breasts.
Do you remember if they were real or fake? How skanky is the girl smell?
Shit, I don't know. I'm so screwed. Do you know if Chloe was here last night?
I don't know about last night, but she's sure here now, and she's hella pissed.
She's standing right. . .isn't this damn joke played out yet?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-16-03
If you need me, I'll be in Nate's room, making gay jokes.
Please God, don't let it have been the stripper.
Hi.
You'd better do a lot better than "Hi" you bloody wanker.
I am so screwed.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, you bloody well are.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Oh, hey man, the weirdest thing happened last ni-
Look, we've got bigger issues than your boyfriend fitting another inch, the shit's hit the fan.
Fine, ass. What's going on?
B may have done something stupid. We've got to be good friends and bravely run away.
Fair enough, let me log off.
Hurry up. If you're a good pretty boy, we'll go to that "other bar" that you people like so much.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Why they always gotta make it difficult?
Who?
Women.
It's what they do.
I'd prefer it if what they did was blowjobs.
Me too man. Me too.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
What was that? We had a whole conversation without a gay joke.
Yeah, and you agreed on the blowjob proposition. . . is this this bizzaro quarter?
If it is, I get to be superman.
Well adjust your tights my friend, looks like you've got an admirer.
Oh really now? On a scale of one to hot, what's she look like?
Depends. . . how do you feel about vin diesel?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Look, Chloe, you're obviously pissed, and I'm really sorry but -
Sorry? You're sorry? That's all you can say for what you did?
Look, Chloe, you're obviously pissed, and I'm really sorry but -
Sorry? You're sorry? That's all you can say for what you did?
Look, Chloe, you're obviously pissed, and I'm really sorry but -
Sorry? You're sorry? That's all you can say for what you did?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Last strip was a mistake, this is the real one.
Look, Chloe, you're obviously pissed, and I'm really sorry but -
Sorry? You're sorry? That's all you can say for what you did?
I know it's not going to make it any better, but I honestly don't remember much from last night.
. . .You know how they say that honesty is the best policy?
Yeah. . .
Welll they are very, very wrong.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
So how'd the conversation go with the new boyfriend?
Dude, I told him it was flattering, but that's it. I'm not gay.
You let him buy you a beer.
Hey, i refuse to turn down free booze, it's a rule.
Even if it means you lose the freedom of sitting comfortably?
I'll take my chances.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Ok, fine. I was a jackass. Will you please tell me what happened?
Why should I? If you come home so pissed that you don't remember, why do you care?
Pissed? I was angry?
No. Damn it, pissed is drunk, don't change the subject.
I'm really not trying to. You're not exactly being helpful, you know.
You're doing it again, you arse.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Chloe, don't be like this. I'm trying to -
It really doesn't matter B. This isn't going anywhere. Get in touch with me when I'm important enough to remember.
Son of a bitch. . . . . . . Wait. Wait just one second.
Hey B, Chloe didn't look happy when she passed us. What's the situation?
I'm still wearing my fucking spiderman boxers!

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-17-03
Spiderman boxers? What do the dork shorts have to do with this?
It's simple. I'm still wearing the same clothes, and my boxers aren't all. . .you know, then that means I didn't have sex last night. With anybody, much less the stripper. I'm not a total fuck up.
True, but she's still furious. You didn't pee in her mouth or something, right?
Jesus, I hope not. Something's still wrong though. Where the hell did the stripper go?
*whistles*

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-24-03
So lemme get this straight, you ended up with the stripper?
When you kicked her out she came and knocked on my window and I let her in.
And you did her? Didn't notice the aura of Bangladesh clinic comming from below?
Seemed fine to me. . . Besides, she only blew me.
And that's your defense?
Hey man, you brought her home. . . who really has moral high ground here?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-24-03
Well, at least now we've solved that mystery. Wonder what happened to B?
Dunno man, did he piss on her or something?
That's definatley not his style, knowing him he said something stupid, or called out the wrong name. . .
That's prolly it. . . thank god I've never had that problem. . .
You mean because all the guys you date have the same name?
Funny coming from the guy who kicked a perfectly hot stripper OUT of the house. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-26-03
Chloe, wait!
So you didn't understand that I'm not happy with you then?
Look, I can't be sorry for what I did if I don't know what it was.
*sigh* You were supposed to pick me up from work, but you were out getting pissed with your mates. I had to get a cab home.
That's it?
You've never had a girlfriend before, have you?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-26-03
No, you know what? You don't get to be angry right now, because I am.
That doesn't make any sense.
It doesn't have to. I've been killing myself trying to figure this out, and you're pissed because I inconvenienced you? This time I get to be the one to walk away angry, and I get the last word.
But. . .
. . .wanker.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-02-03
Sorry about the whole thing with Chloe man, maybe she just wasn't really your type. I mean, what is your type anyway?
What, you mean like, in women? I don't know. Honesty, intelligence. Humor, taste in books, music. Shit like that.
Yeah, that's pretty standard. I'm looking for more. A certain je ne sais qua.
That's tough. The last two girls I was with were pretty much polar opposites, aside from me being interested in them.
So if you had to venture a guess. . .
I'd have to say that the only thing the women I've been interested in have in common is that they're not interested in a relationship with me.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-02-03
We here at The Corner have just realized that our 69th comic just went up. . .and we didn't make the joke.
I figure in the grand scheme of things that's an anniversary of sometime or at least an excuse to make an appeal for play.
If nothing else, we should have gone for the dick joke. Sure the other strip was funny, and perhaps a bit insightful, but you kids really want dick jokes, right?
Admit it, the low brow is great, and really you like it waaay more than our personal insights. . . if you really cared about us, you'd send money. Beer Money.
Seems a fair trade to me. Because after a few beers, our dick jokes can last all night long, right Mike?
That's what *she* said.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-02-03
MIKEY!
Oh, wow, Ami. . what's up? And what are you doin here?
I heard you guys were having guests over so I decided to drop in.
Cool, well make yourself at home. . . oh, and could you not bring up what I said that one time. . .
You mean that when you promised to "eat me raw" in your room. . . don't worry I'll be in the living room. . .
Yup, and that was just embarrasing as I thought it would be. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-02-03
Crikey! Have a look at this then, it's the Comic Nerd in his natural habitat!
So Paul, I've been enjoying the hell (no pun intended) out of some hellblazer trades, of late.
Oh yeah, I've read most of the one's available and I own Hard Time. Have you read Alan Moore's Swamp Thing Run?
True to form, I'm going to sneak up on them, and stick my thumb up his bum, that should really piss him off!
Nope. How is it?
It's the first great forray into Horror that DC had for decades and it introduced John Constantine.
Don't feel bad for them though folks. With these specimens, it'll be the closest they've had to mating in awhile. Crikey.
Sounds pretty sweet.
Damn good. It actually creeps me out a bit at times.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-02-03
Ok, who's up for part three of our cameo week?
That would be Adam, Nate's little brother.
Ha ha, Mike and B's comics say you're gay.
That's because I'm a raging homosexual, and have been ever since I found those gay pornos under your bed.
They're going to hate us for that.
They should be glad we don't have the ability to draw them in an open mouthed kiss.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-08-03
B's mom.
Sweetie, do you know what manic depression is? Maybe you should see somebody.
Lord, take me now.
B's dad.
Son, I want you to know I'm not disappointed in you, even though you're a failure.
Thanks Dad.
Does B make a little more sense now?
Dude, that strip wasn't very funny.
Oh, you said you wanted funny. I heard you say "every fucking day of my life." Perhaps we should just stick with the dick jokes.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-08-03
So there aren't a lot of black characters on this thing. . .
Mike I'm just glad you're happy and doing what you enjoy.
Thanks, mom.
So i gotta make due. . .
I'm proud of you even if you continue to try and reject everything i attempted to instill in you. . .
Thanks, I think. . .
But you get the point. . .
Someone needing some christmas money?
Nope, all true, but I figure it explains the odd fetishes and inability to grow up. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-08-03
I'll fake it through the day with some help from Johnnie Walker Red. . .
You've been singing that a lot, still like it
The guy who sang it stabbed himself, with a butcher knife. . .
Must have run out of Johnnie Walker
Or the will to live?
Aren't the they same thing?

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-08-03
I'm enjoying this scotch experiment. Is it wrong that I want to make this drinking thing a hobby?
Hell no, I just want a grant for it. . .make it national.
I think that's brilliant, just needs a proposal.
How would you propose that?
Something about exploration of collective misery?
Sweet, that meanst next time I get dumped we can call it a case study.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-08-03
The best ideas start well. . .
I think we've got an idea here. Get two glasses, some of that Glenfiddich, and I'm typing this out
Can't argue with that logic, let's do it?
Shit, if we actually stay sober enough to finish this, we would have the greatest jobs on earth?
Pretty much. When we drink up now, it's on the government's dime.
But sometimes your zeal gets in the way. . .
Dammit, I'm the coolest nigga since Scarface.
You drank too much to finish. . . didn't you?

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-08-03
Don't worry man, do you know how much worse our drinking habits would be if that had actually gone through?
I guess maybe the drinking grant wasn't meant to be. . .
Pretty much. Speaking of which, I thought i heard Chloe on the phone, did you two get back together?
Yeah, we patched it up when she realized she couldn't live without me.
So in English, you went 24 hours without sex and begged for her forgiveness. . .
Actually more like 12, I hate being a fucking Scorpio.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-11-03
If you read the White_Monkey you know what we're talkin about
So it feels nice to be mocked by the master. . . pretty much I'm a lazy bastard. . .
Marlboro Wednesday marked the day when the value of the brand was brought into question
B stil got away free. . . I'll wait to see if he gets his
The market believed that if the oldest icon couldn't survive, others were certainly in question
Sidenote. . . the avatar wasn't Freudian, a wise man once warned me against "that much insanity"
But Nike, they had the pimp juice. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-12-03
Dude, i've never burned a cd at 24x before. . . I hope my crotch doesn't catch fire. These fucking cds are marked to say how they can take it. . . if it melts I'll kick someone.
If only women were marked the same way.
Heh, no shit. How would the divisions go?
*take it slow* *pop it quick* *likes it hard* *ass slut*
That would be awesome. It would be like buying ice cream.
Puts a whole new meaning on the phrase "tagging it".

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-12-03
Hey Nate, what's up?
. . .
You ok man, you look a little. . .fucked up.
Heh. . .
Have you been burning incense?
Hey B, what's up?

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-15-03
Ready to go to Eric's party man? I haven't eaten all day just to maximize my chances of blacking out and sleeping with someone I shouldn't. . .
Ready when you are, but why are we doing this? I though you hated Eric?
I do, but his house gots the hoes
The hoes? Mike, didn't we learn about the hoes when we were in college?
I dunno about you but I learned they get more attractive as I drink and will do sexual favors for shallow complements.
I feel I should retort, but that's pretty much what I learned too. Let's roll.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-15-03
So here's a question, where's the ball and chain this evening?
Remember that girl I had to go meet the other night? Apparently it's her sister. They went out. . .shit, when the two of them start talking, to be honest, I don't know what they're doing.
Well just remember after your fifth drink you're officially single, and I won't rat you out.
Nah, you know me. I'm a one woman guy.
Funny, i didn't see you wearing a leash, but I'd swear Chloe makes you wear one.
I only wear the leash when she wears the cat suit.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-15-03
Literature fan eh? You should chat with my friend Bryan over there. . he's a writer
oh, cool. . .
Hi, I'm Chanel, your friend tells me you're a writer
I'm actually working on a book now, you read fantasy?
I'm a fan of fantasy. . . in fact, I was thinking we could go upstairs and discuss one of mine.
I've always wanted to be the one to say this. . .I think we should just be friends.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-15-03
Then came the morning after. . .
I need carbs, quick, I may or may not still be drunk. . .
I thought that might happen, you muttered to yourself in German most of the walk home. Acomplish your mission?
I'm not sure. . . I don't remember anything for certain but there is a fuzzy memory of Eric's bathroom and a naked chick. What's up with you not hooking up with that cute chick?
Like I said, I'm a one woman man, it's not my style. . .Chloe's really special too. I'm reall-
Look, fuck, fuck. Can we still get some Taco Bell while you're being whipped?
You get laid and I buy dinner. When are you going to get a job?

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-15-03
Wow man, you've been telling me about this Cowboy Bebop show for awhile, I figured you were talking out of your ass. This is awesome.
Tried to tell you man.
Crap, I don't have the money to blow on the dvd set, but now I need to.
Heh, "need to" huh? You are such a fan boy.
This from the guy who spends all of his money at the pub during Arsenal games.
Two words. Spiderman. Boxers.

 

by Mocha_Monk
12-24-03
So he's really doing it, huh? Nelly is actually selling "Pimp Juice".
Yeah, it's awesome. I've always wanted the instant ability to mack hoes marketed in a convinient can form.
Mike, you do realize that it's just a trick right? There's no such thing as pimp juice.
No, there is. . . it's liquid, flavored, and carbonated. . . like jesus.
Why do i ahve a feeling this is not the last time you're going to say this?
Cause you and I both know, our friendship wouldn't exist without the help of running gags.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-02-04
Happy New year man, made any resolutions you're sure to break in a couple weeks?
Nah, I make the same resolution every year, to stop crapping my pants in public.
That's easy enough, I hope. . . just promise that if that falls through I'll be at least 3 miles away.
Depends on if I have two bottles of champagne again like I did New Years Eve. Any resolutions for you?
I think it's time to quit smoking, and my new rule is, if you tell me how happy I'm going to make some girl in the future, you're getting tea bagged.
Heh, teabagging. That reminds me, let's go tell Nate his resolution is to stop fucking guys in the ass. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-03-04
Jesus, so I think the missing case of champagne explains why I don't remember much from last night, this is concerning.
Why, you've done the black out time warp dance before.
Yeah, but the problem is piecing things together. . . no one will ever tell me if I did something shitty or propositioned them to do things even Larry Flynt doesn't endorse.
Wish I could help you man, but I was at least as drunk as you. Oh shit. Somebody had a camera, I remember that much.
Well seeing as I was the only black guy at the party, I guess I gotta claim any snapshots of brown wang.
There better not be any brown wang, I think it was Chloe with the camera. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-11-04
I'm back from visiting the folks, what have you been up to while I was gone?
Started a live journal.
So does this mean you're going to start wearing dorky glasses and listening to dashboard confessional?
No man, it's actually pretty cool. It's the one medium where my random digressions actually sort of make sense.
You mean they actually become lucid? I usually just hear static.
Speaking of digressions, I also spent a lot of time having sex with my hot girlfriend. Did you enjoy the futile lusting after your sister's friends?

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-15-04
Oi, work was terrible, I just wish they'd sack me and get it bloody over with.
I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
About what?
Well, I know you just got out of school, and you want to keep your options open, but I think there might be a position opening up at the magazine I work at.
I uh. . .we need to talk.
I'm going to get very drunk tonight, aren't I?

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-15-04
Will you let me explain?
Do I really have a choice?
You don't have to be a wanker about this, you know. This isn't easy for me either.
I'm sorry, it's just not every day that my girlfriend finds me suddenly undesirable enough to dump me.
It's not like that at all. And it's not you, it's. . .
I swear to christ if you finish that statement no jury in the world would convict me.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-15-04
Fine, if it's not me, then what is it?
My student visa is expired. I put them off for awhile with lies about getting a doctorate, but they say time is up, and I've got to get out.
Don't just look at me like that, say something.
So all this time I've been sleeping with an illegal alien?
Oh bloody hell.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-15-04
Oh, so us breaking up isn't about us, it's just a long distance relationship sort of thing.
Of course it's not about us you silly arse. I. . .well, I love you.
Wow. We've never used that word before.
And I understand if you don't want to, I just wanted you to know before I had to leave.
No no, I do too. I'm just still shifting gears from hating you and plotting to do horrible things to you and your next boyfriend.
And here I thought that grinding noise was the fear of commitment bashing into the pain of betrayal.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-16-04
So. . .I love you too. But you've still got to leave. Where does that leave us?
Pretty much where we were, actually. Just with a deadline.
How much longer to you have until you leave?
About a week. My flight leaves on tuesday.
I've got a week's vacation I haven't used.
Right, I'll just ring ahead and quit my job, you toddle off to the bedroom.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-17-04
Hey, Nate, B's out of commision this week so you're assigned to be my surrogate best friend.
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
While this does not mean I am going to fuck you in the ass, you may however share my supply of alcohol and go bar hopping, kosher?
You're not fucking kidding. . . you expect me to hang out with you after you basically tell me that I'm a standby aquaintance?
Well, yeah. . . but there is free booze, and I'll even go to a gay bar with you, sometime's they gots the hoes.
Fuck you, buddy. . . . wait, did you say free booze?

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-17-04
Ok, glad to have you along for the ride, let's commence operation Jager challenge and head to the bar
I think I want to make a tiny diversionary trip first, care to join?
Is this the point where if I turn down an intoxicant, you get to call me a pussy the rest of the night?
You got it.
Well, we can't have that, let's go. . .
Good man. I'm going to need a coke can, a straw, duct tape, a lighter, and some eye drops. . .let's do this.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-17-04
You ok there? You've gotten quiet.
uhhh. . . yeah, ready to grab a couple drinks and roll on
Sure you've had enough? I could always pack another.
Yeah, I'm solid. . . just need a drink is all.
Liar, if you're done, why aren't you weating the suit?
Sorry man, high or sober I refuse to participate in visual puns.

 

by Mocha_Monk
1-18-04
Ok, if we stand here any longer, we're gonna be out of chips. Ready to roll out?
Ready when you are. You look pretty high, sure you're going to make it to the bar?
I know my limits, I'm awesome. Drink for the road?
No thanks, I Know where that would lead me.
That's pussy talk, at least take a shot with me.
Isn't this the conversation we had before you brought that stripper home?

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