All comics by Zaster

Profile

 

by Zaster
2-13-04
You have no chance to survive. We have Gawd on our side!
What!? He told us he was on *our* side!
He did? Why, of all the double-dealin', two-faced...
Fun's over. They're catching on to us.
I thought you said they weren't smart enough!

 

by Zaster
2-16-04
"Oooaah!! Oooaah, Yes!!"
It's Herbal Execrances shampoo, for todays' demanding sexually liberated woman! A complex blend...
...of vitamins and exotic herbal extracts...
...which you rub on your scalp and immediately rinse down the drain. They do nothing for you!
Wow. The new "Truth in Advertising" laws are really tough!

 

by Zaster
2-16-04
Excuse me, mister! My mommy told me to ask if you could please keep the noise down over here.
What!? Tell your mother we're trying to fight a war here!
And could you please keep the cluster bombs out of our yard? My sister and I are trying to play!
Young lady, do you realize how busy we are just fighting to protect your WAY OF LIFE?
You're right. On behalf of my entire refugee colony, I apologize!
Good! Now get back to the ruined tire factory and stay out of trouble.

 

by Zaster
2-16-04
Hey, Honey! Come quckly!
I think that's more your department.
What!?
I said I'm on the phone with the War Department!
Oh. O.K.!
Quick downstairs, but slow upstairs.

 

by Zaster
2-16-04
You know, cigarettes are bad for you.
They stain your teeth and give you terrible indigestion.
Are you sure you're chewing them thoroughly?

 

by Zaster
2-18-04
This senseless slaughter is getting us nowhere!
What do you propose instead?
I say we put all the politicians, business interests, and religious wingdings responsible for this conflict into a giant arena. Then we watch THEM fight it out instead!
That's a good idea! Whoever survives can dictate the terms of peace.
Survives?
We *could* use them to clear out the minefields.

 

by Zaster
2-28-04
Mel Gibson?... Never mind how I got your number!... I just want to let you know that I got my nose broken in a bar fight.
For the sins of all mankind!
And the movie rights are still available! Hello? Hello!?

 

by Zaster
3-03-04
Adam! You should see what I made -- a tree whose fruit would give you knowledge beyond your wildest imagination! By they way, you're not allowed to touch it.
Oh, and you can't drink from the fountain of eternal ecstacy, either. Or eat these truffles I made that would give you the power to fly!
Why do I feel like I'm being set up to fail?
And whatever you do, definitely don't think about elephants.

 

by Zaster
3-06-04
Just 10 minutes a day with my work-out video will give you THE BODY OF YOUR DREAMS!
No way!
How is a lousy video gonna give me cybernetic claws and military lasers for eyeballs?

 

by Zaster
3-14-04
As you can see, this house has alot of old worm charm.
You mean "old world" charm, don't you?
Yes. Everything here is completely termite infested... er, I mean UL tested!
Please don't lean against that wall!

 

by Zaster
3-15-04
Try the walk-in closets! They're fully lighted.
With high pressure sodium lamps, no less!
Interesting smell in here... reminds me of my youth. Hey, someone left some big flower pots in here!
The seller is VERY motivated!
I watch "Cops".

 

by Zaster
3-15-04
The floor sure creaks alot in this room, doesn't it?
Please don't stomp like that!
What the..!? YEEAARRGGHH!!!
As you can see, the basement is partially furnished.

 

by Zaster
3-15-04
What's up with the huge cracks in that door frame?
Those are what give the house its unique character!
They were caused during the civil war!
This house wasn't built until 1957.
Oops! I meant to say "civil unrest". Riots are quite common around here!

 

by Zaster
3-17-04
l4m3r!
n00b!
Yeah? Well, you're such a n00b, I'll bet you're from n00b Brunswick!
WTF?
Damn! I suck at this l33t-speak.

 

by Zaster
3-22-04
And its another great day for the Badgers! To what do you attribute today's victory, Ron?
Better living through chemistry, baby. You don't get guns like these by eating your wheaties!
This is a very important win for the team, isn't it?
Win? Lose? Either way we earn more scratch in one season than the fanboys see in a lifetime!
Ha ha! We all admire your candor, Ron. How do you intend to celebrate today's victory?
Oh, just another quiet evening at home... snorting coke out of a hooker's navel!

 

by Zaster
3-22-04
Congratulations on winning the big race, Bobby!
Thanks, Phil. First, I'd like to emphasize that my sponsors had nothing to do with today's victory!
There's no way I'd let any of thier lame products anywhere near my car. But thanks for the money, suckers!
I don't believe it! You're actually disavowing your sponsors' products?
All except for Butch beer. I've been hitting that since I woke up this morning!

 

by Zaster
3-29-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell.
I'll see what I can do about it.
I guess this wand really only does one thing well.

 

by Zaster
3-29-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell.
I'll see what I can do about it.
??
My assistant tells me you're seeking damages against an "evil witch" of some kind. Is that correct?

 

by Zaster
3-29-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell.
I'll see what I can do about it.
Disney stock dropped 6 and 5/8 today on news of a sudden mascot change.

 

by Zaster
4-04-04
Is it true that Jesus has risen from the dead?
That's the rumour going around.
Is it true that he's coming back for us? And that by his blood, his followers attain immortality?
That's what they say!
How are we gonna stop him?
See if you can find some garlic. I'll sharpen a stake!

 

by Zaster
4-08-04
Mom, what is the meaning of Easter?
An anthropomorphic bunny distributes brightly colored hen fruit to herald in Spring.
Dad, what is the meaning of Easter?
The creator of the universe squeezes himself into a human frame, is executed in a backwater of the Roman Empire, then gets better.
Random Holiday Generator, what is the meaning of Easter?
Elvis Presley, dressed as a viking, returns from the planet Tatooine to give left-handed children free pineapples.

 

by Zaster
4-15-04
Yes, I'm Bruce Banner's fiance'.
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident, Ma'am. Dr. Banner was exposed to gamma radiation out on the test range!
*gasp*
He's alive, but his horrible mutations will prevent you from ever having a normal life together. I do have some good new, though!
There's a cure?
No. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!

 

by Zaster
4-15-04
Are you the fiance' of Bruce Banner?
Yes.
It seems Dr. Banner has caused alot of residential property damage. He's become the subject of a class action lawsuit!
I'll have to serve these papers to him personally.
I'll phone ahead for an ambulance. What size bodycast do you wear?

 

by Zaster
7-25-04
I read in Vogue that you were a real tight ass. You could turn coal into a diamond, brotha man!
Well, I read in Cosmo that you were on a three hour tour at sea and were lost for 5 years.
OH NO!!!! YOUR SUPERBURN HAS CAUSED A RIP IN TIME AND SPACE ITSELF!
What's this?? I'm back in the second grade!
You've been schooled! Deal with it.

 

by Zaster
7-25-04
I figured out a great way for us to meet women! We'll drop acid and crash through their bedroom windows at night dressed like circus clowns.
O.K., I'm with you so far...
Then we'll both take massive amounts of LSD again and scare the fuck out of them.
FAR OUT
Oh my god, that was some good shit!
My goods aren't free you know! Pay up!

 

by Zaster
7-26-04
We're bored.
Why don't you boys go and abuse some little children?
Hi there. Where do you normally go to abuse little children?
Thanks for listening, class!
If you have any more questions about D.A.R.E., we'll be handing out literature in Room 201 after the bell.

 

by Zaster
7-27-04
Now if I may, I'd like to give my opinion on the President's recent actions.
But first, allow me to present my 15 minute interpretive dance based on the film "Showgirls".
Panel censored by FCC

 

by Zaster
7-27-04
Michael, I'm reading the latest by Stephen Hawking. He postulates that at your current rate of physical expansion, you might actually collapse into an ultra-dense state...
a quantum singularity sucking in all matter and energy within a region bounded by something Hawking refers to as the "event horizon"!
Does this concern you at all?
Not at all, Bill! It's all part of my "working class" image!

 

by Zaster
7-27-04
I'm Bill O'Reilly with tonight's guest, Michael Moore!
Michael, you've got your bombast in my arrogance!
And you've got your smarmy arrogance in my bombast!
I'm sorry, Michael, we seem to be off the air. It seems our combined pomposity has overloaded the satellite!
Wow. We should do a project together sometime!

 

by Zaster
8-26-04
Bandit, I don't mind you curling up in my lap...
but you need to quit stepping on my meat whistle!
It's bad enough that *I'm* always stepping on it!
Don't try to kid me. I'm the closest thing you've had to a lay in 8 years.

 

by Zaster
8-26-04
So how did your photography club's trip to the Rockies turn out?
So lame! We were supposed to take pictures of scenery, but all of these mountains kept getting in the way.
Have you ever heard of Ansel Adams?
Yuk! Can't stand light beer.

 

by Zaster
8-26-04
How are your experiments on the emotional effects of colors coming along, Doctor?
Excellent!
This place is so soothing, I think I could stay in here for *another* 48 hours without food or water.
FUCK YOU!!!

 

by Zaster
8-27-04
It's April Fool's day, and I've replaced my parents' instant coffee with some crusty stuff I yoinked from chem lab. This should be good!
Krill mree... For grodsake, krill muh-ee...
Darn! I see Dad hasn't had his morning coffee yet.

 

by Zaster
8-27-04
There's the stiff, er, victim, sir...dead as a bag full of rocks.
And you say there are no signs of violence on the body?
Not a scratch. But judging from his expression, something unbearably horrible must've happened.
Damn...what could've been bad enough to make him drop dead like that?
We figure he choked on a beer pretzel.
Oh. Chalk up another closed X-File!

 

by Zaster
8-27-04
There's the stiff, er, victim, sir...dead as a bag full of rocks.
And you say there are no signs of violence on the body?
Not a scratch. But judging from his expression, something unbearably horrible must've happened.
Damn...what could've been bad enough to make him drop dead like that?
We found a cursed videotape. We're going over it for clues!
Could someone get that phone?

 

by Zaster
8-27-04
There's the stiff, er, victim, sir...dead as a bag full of rocks.
And you say there are no signs of violence on the body?
Not a scratch. But judging from his expression, something unbearably horrible must've happened.
Damn...what could've been bad enough to make him drop dead like that?
I don't know, but I'm balancing this table on my shoulders in his memory.
You're a good man, O'Malley!

 

by Zaster
8-27-04
There's the stiff, er, victim, sir...dead as a bag full of rocks.
And you say there are no signs of violence on the body?
Not a scratch. But judging from his expression, something unbearably horrible must've happened.
Damn...what could've been bad enough to make him drop dead like that?
It... it was my breath, sir.
Are you sure? Your flatulence is pretty bad, too.

 

by Zaster
9-07-04
Space Mattress is the most comfortable night's sleep you'll ever have! The secret is in these visco-elastic memory cells.
They mold perfectly to the contours of your body, without transmitting motion that could disturb your partner!
It's a big chunk of foam.
"Thanks to Space Mattress, I can have sex with my brother-in-law without ever waking my husband."

 

by Zaster
9-13-04
My name is Zast...
Make love to me! Now!

 

by Zaster
9-22-04
Yes?
I'm here from Pete's Skeptic Service.
I called for Pete's SEPTIC Service. Our tank needs draining.
Oh, I rather doubt that. In fact, I find the idea ludicrous.
That'll be 50 dollars, please.

 

by Zaster
9-23-04
Did you hear that Hurricane Jeanne is headed for Florida?
It killed over 1,000 people in Haiti!
Oh my god! That's horrible.
My folks have a second home in Florida!

 

by Zaster
9-25-04
This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
God, I'm lonely...

 

by Zaster
9-26-04
*Knock Knock*
Who's there?
Donchez!
Donchez who?
Donchez wanna get in on the ground floor of an exciting investment opportunity?
*Slam!*

 

by Zaster
9-28-04
Do not worry, Miss Hilton. I will not let the others harm you. I believe it is against the will of Allah to harm a woman.
Oh, I'm not worried! I know I can get through this.
You see, it's my belief that being born pretty and rich means never having to worry about anything!
Have you read my new book? It's all about how great it is to be pretty and rich. Like me!...
20 minutes later:
Oh, to hell with it!
Did you know that there's a city in France named after me?

 

by Zaster
9-28-04
Hey Marvin, what do you get when you cross a teacher with an ostrich?
What a fuckin' stupid question!
They're not even in the same genus or family, even. The chromosomes would never line up during mitosis!
You wouldn't get ANYTHING! Are you seriously that retarded!?

 

by Zaster
9-28-04
Boinky33 sucks!
Yeah, fuck that guy!
Cough!
Ahem.
Sorry... a little bout of distemper, there.
We're better now.

 

by Zaster
9-30-04
This is funny! What do you get when you cross a blonde chick with an octopus?
Give up?
A bimbo that can count to fourty. Haw!
From now on, how about if I sit on *you*?

 

by Zaster
10-05-04
Thank you for applying with our company. However, we have hired someone whose skills more closely match our requirements.
They must have decided to hire someone with a Bachelor's degree.
O.K., so you know which button to push when the green light comes on?
Eep! EEEEP!!

 

by Zaster
10-05-04
You are without a doubt the most inarticulate and immature human being I have ever met.
Yeah?... Well...
Your mom!

 

by Zaster
10-06-04
Loser.
Darn it.
Fortunately, Mr. Davis, it appears yours is only a mild form of Tourette's.
Your mom.

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »