All comics by baconeater

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by baconeater
3-18-06
Did you see the science story about how the universe was formed God?
Yes, it was very interesting. I admire how quickly scientists are figuring things out these days.
You know, it means that the bible was right about light happening on day one. Stars weren't needed for light after all.
Yep, isn't it awesome how science is proving that the bible is in fact THE WORD OF ME?
What about the Ark story and what about Adam coming from Eve's rib?
Oh, those are just misprints.

 

by baconeater
3-23-06
God, what do you think of that porn star Savanna, who has made a first class wine.
Hey, I have nothing against people who make wine. I don't care who it is. It doesn't take a miracle to make wine.
She was raised a Catholic and ironically her wine might even wind up at the Vatican.
Big deal, it isn't like she mashes and pounds the grapes with her ass. Or does she? Ooo la la
So you really don't object or worry about what this Savanna chick is doing?
Actually I do wonder what she does with the empty wine bottles.

 

by baconeater
4-06-06
God, what do you think about illegal immigration?
I'm completely against anything illegal.
Do you have illegal immigration in heaven?
You bet we do. Lots of people come from hell and walk in right through the gates. I'd love to vaporize those evil deceitful basturds.
What prevents you from doing that?
I can't tell them apart from the "good" Fundies. They all look alike and act alike to me.

 

by baconeater
4-30-06
Hey God, in Spain they considering granting human rights to great apes.
Humans too? They are great apes as well you know.
I know humans are great apes, it is just that quite a few people on the planet have a problem with accepting it.
These people you speak of, they believe in me right? Even though there is not one shred of evidence that I even exist.
Well yeah, that is the way it is. Lots of people don't even believe in evolution.
So you are saying these people will believe in something imaginary but won't buy into real stuff. Very interesting. They sound like a bunch of people that could easily be manipulated.

 

by baconeater
7-17-06
Hey God, if you exist why don't you do something about the Middle East?
We just had an emergency meeting in heaven about the Middle East
So what are you gonna do?
Nothing as usual.
But why?
I was gonna step in, but Charles Darwin convinced me that Arabs are screwed anyways, so why bother.

 

by baconeater
7-24-06
Hey God, you know the middle east crisis? Is this going to be it for world?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armageddon
Armageddon who?
Armageddon the heck out of here, the end is near. Don't forget to pick up the tab. I'll get you next time.

 

by baconeater
9-06-06
Hey God, are you superstitious?
Superstitions are ridiculous. People actually think that some supernatural force will occur because of a rabbit's foot?
Yes, us humans are naturally superstitious. So you don't believe in the supernatural?
No chance. Anything that happens has a scientific explanation.
So you obviously don't do anything about it when people pray to you.
People pray to me? Get out of town!

 

by baconeater
10-25-06
So God, what are you up to right now?
Fun stuff. I'm plotting random deaths of individuals. My creative juices are flowing right now.
You are deciding who will die and how they will die?
Yeppers. Joe Johnstone, 143 Everly Green St. Chicago, lets see, falls off a ladder and breaks his neck on October 30th. Joe and his wife are strong believers. This will make her belief stronger.
You cause grief just to play on the emotions of mourners? Do you plot everyone's death this way?
Everyone but Atheists. They don't believe in me, so they are on their own.

 

by baconeater
10-31-06
God, what is the meaning of life?
If I tell you, I'll have to kill you.
Can't you just tell me and let me live. I promise not to tell anyone.
Nope, once I tell anyone the meaning of life they must die immediately.
You don't know the answer, do you?
You found me out, wise guy.

 

by baconeater
11-03-06
Jesus, I realize I'm married with 5 kids but is it OK for me to have sex with a male prostitute?
Of course my son, as long as you still take care of your family.
But I'm Ted Haggard, the head of a huge Evangical Chuch. I preach that homosexuality is a sin.
Big deal. Everyone says things they don't really mean. You are only human.
So you think that it is OK for me to have gay sex with a male prostitute?
I don't see anyting wrong with it, just as long as you don't pay more than $200 for an hour long session.

 

by baconeater
11-24-06
Mohammed, Mohammed, I can't believe I'm worthy enough to be greeted by you.
I get to meet all suicide bombers. The big guy considers you to be the most worthy of this place.
This place is hot, it looks like hell, it is even worse than Gaza.
Well, the Zionist pigs stole heaven, this is all we have.
So do I get 72 male virgins at least?
Actually it is 72 raisins for guys and 72 prunes for old ladies. You get none, because you failed to kill any Jews when you blew up.

 

by baconeater
12-27-06
Hey God, I just got my 100,000th visitor on my blog. Not bad for someone who doesn't even believe in you.
100,000 visitors to the blog of a non believing infidel? The world is going to hell in a handbasket.
Maybe you need to give a sign that you exist.
If all those dinosaur bones I buried the day after I created the earth 6,000 years ago isn't good enough. I just give up on proving myself.
Maybe you should start a blog.
Do you think I'll get any visitors?

 

by baconeater
1-17-07
Hey God, is there anything about you that most people don't know?
Lets see. I haven't taken a bath or shower in close to 15 billion years
Oh, that explains the smell.
What smell?, are you trying to tell me I have an odor problem?
Um yeah!, check out those gagging pigeons rolling around behind you.
I just thought they were in awe of me. OK, maybe I'll try some Right Guard.

 

by baconeater
2-02-07
Hey God, are you a Jehovah's Witness?
No, because I didn't see the accident....Rodney Dangerfield just told me that joke..no idea what it means or who they are.
They are a religious cult who believe in a literal bible, that the earth is young and that evolution is bull, and that Jesus will return any day now.
Oh, you mean Fundamentalist Baptists.
No, they also don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas, and they are against blood transfusions.
Against blood transfusions? You mean there is a group of people whackier than Fundamental Baptists?

 

by baconeater
3-04-07
Hey God, there are a lot of people who think their bibles are accurate God inspired science books
That is silly, the only thing I inspired on Earth are blank pages. But I am pretty good at science.
OK, let me test you. A circle has a radius of 4 inches. What is the surface area of the circle?
Well lets see. Pi is 3, so Pi multiplied by the radius squared would be 48 square inches. Ha! I 'm good.
Pi is not 3, it is 3.14
Really? I guess I need to get an updated science book. The one I have is around 2000 years old.

 

by baconeater
5-21-07
Hey buddy, I need some H
OK, my main man , how much heroin do you want
I don't want heroin. I'm a Palestinian
Oh, you must mean you need your daily dose of HUMILIATION
Yeah man, give it to me and give it to me good. I need it bad.
Look at all you accomplished in 60 years because you couldn't accept a Jewish governed state.

 

by baconeater
6-16-07
Hey God, why not prove yourself and your mighty powers. How will the 9th race superfecta finish at Belmont in exact order?
C'mon, that is an easy one. The race will finish 4-1-2-6 Piece of cake.
The 9th in Belmont came in 5-9-7-3 Well what do you have to say for yourself?
Well, you should know by now.
I should know what? You didn't even pick one horse that hit the top four.
You should know by now, that I work in mysterious ways.

 

I'm really nervous about seeing this Muslim doctor.
Open your mouth and say ahhhhh...........................lah
by baconeater, 7-03-07

 

by baconeater
1-06-09
Firing from a school is a win win situation
How so?
If Israel doesn't fire back we keep firing.
If Israel blows us up, you can become one of my 72 Virgins

 

by baconeater
2-01-09
This Atheist Bus campaign is really bothering me. I feel helpless.
God, why don't you prove to the people of Earth that you exist.
I can't. That is why I feel helpless. The atheist buses are right.
So, you are saying you probably don't exist? Who am I talking to then?
Too funny. You probably accept that a piece of bacon can talk too.

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