All comics by funnypony

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Flames erupt behind the witness stand
{smiling sweetly} Watch it councilor or I will make sure this is your last case.
The jury is frightened
gasp...scream
ahhhh....ohhhh
{gulping} Forgive me Ms. Tanja, please continue.
As I was saying, it was really just a misunderstanding. You see he referred to my undead as, "Tanja and her drunk, dead, minions." Of course you see they are anything but dead.

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
{gulping again} Naturally.
Oh and there is nothing natural about them either. {smiling sweetly again} Do you like my watch?
Yes indeed, it is a very nice watch. But now back to that conversation. What transpired after that?
Well Supertech had offered to have our group name put on the marquis but DKilroy was shamelessly afraid of this.
Shamelessly afraid? How exactly?
He said, "Bad enough I'm going to (be) breaking parole crossing the state line, but I would prefer not to display my name where the Ohio State Troopers could see it. I heard they have a long memory."

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
I think he was talking about taking the bus into Ohio. {shrug} I really don't see what all the fuss is about. It's not like we are evil or anything. {flames flair up}
Thank you very much Ms. Tanja.
I have no questions at this time.
Wise choice councilor.

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the jury, I now call SweetLouLou to take the stand.
{waving fan across face} Sir I would be honored. {batting eyes} No pun intended Your Honor.
Guitars wailing
I have it on good authority that you participated in something called a Purity Test. Is this a fact?
{lowering eyes} Why yes, this is true.

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
And what was your score on this here Purity Test?
Objection, relevance!
I find it highly relevant. Overruled, sit down! Now Ms. Sweetloulou, may it please the court if you would kindly answer the question.
23%
guitars wailing

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
A little louder, dear.
23%
wailing
wailing
The jury is shocked
gasp...whisper
whisper...ohhhh

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
And the defendant's score?
I believe it was only 63%
63%?! Well if that is true, then please tell us in your own words what you overheard the defendant to say shortly after announcing his score.
He said, ""Bad Dk, Bad", Sigh, I get told that a lot lately."
wailing
wailing

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
So as one who can appreciate the difference between a score of 23% and 63% would you say that Mr. DKilroy shamelessly cheated on this Purity Test?
Why yes, I would think that he did.
The jury is titillated.
gasp...ohhhh
ahhhh....eeeek
The audience is as well.
murmur....murmur
whisper...whisper

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Order! Let's have some order here! You may step down now Ms. Lou.
mmm time for some Timbits.
wailing fades...
But I haven't had---
And you're not going to! I call for lunch. We'll reconvene at 2 p.m.

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
After lunch the trial resumes
I call as my last witness, SheilaU.
I object!
I object!
On what grounds?
That it's SheilaU.

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Overruled!
Now Ms. U where do I begin? There is such a history between you and the defendant it seems like there could be a trial for your case alone.
Do you mind sharing with the court some of the things you have had to indure?
Well first he is completely anti-redneck. And he doesn't know a thing about football or cheese. He does not understand the joys of a tractor or flannel.
Or wearing flannel while driving a tractor. And don't even get me started on the whole issue of milking a cow...
So you are saying that he shamelessly mocks you?

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Well I think he is just shameless period. I mean he is from Detroit!
{rifling quickly through his notes} I had no idea...is this true? You have it on good authority?
Oh yes, haven't you seen his car and the bumper sticker, "Honk, if you love hot steel"?
Well Your Honor, that just about does it. I mean what else is there to say? The man is from Detroit and he shamelessly flaunts it! I rest my case.
So Ms. U are you saying that you are guileless in this escapade?
Am I what in the what?

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
That you had no part in causing my client to call you names?
Oh we trade insults all the time. It's just what we do.
AH-HA! So you admit that you are to blame as well.
Don't blame me because he is from Detroit. That is his choice and a darn crazy one at that. I told him we had some nice property for sale just down the road there in Wisconsin.
But he said the deer frightened him.
And why do you think that is, Ms. U?

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Well I guess because he is so old.
Exactly, Ms. U....exactly, my client is old. Thank you, no more questions.
We will take a short recess before the defense council calls their first witness.
I call dibs on the swings!
I want the teeter-totter!
sigh

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
The trial resumes
I call first to the stand, Mr. Leaddore Mistwalker. You supply your services to the board members, is that correct?
Yes, I make sure Sparky is at their disposal.
And when Sparky is down what is the general response?
Well everybody pitches in and offers to help me bring him back up again.
And did Mr. DKilroy make such an offer?
Yes he did. Of course he couldn't make it there in person but he did tell me, "If it helps, we can Fedex you a case sodas and Hostess Twinkies, or any other comfort food of your choice."

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
I thought that was right-square of him.
It certainly was. Your witness.
So he offered to shamelessly get you jazzed up on sugar if you would only give him your address, is that what you are saying?
No...I mean yes...that is---
Objection! Badgering my witness.
Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!

 

by funnypony
2-24-03
Sustained. Move along councilor.
No further questions.
I now call Sunbeam. I understand you are going through a bit of a rough time right now.
Yes I can't eat anything but birdseed.
This must be pretty traumatic. Will you please tell the court what the defendant did for you?
He offered his kindness. He said, "Regardless, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything will turn out for the best." Don't you think that is sweet?

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Yes I do, no more questions.
No questions Your Honor.
For my last witness I would like DKilroy to take the stand.
gasp...ahhhh
The jury is disappointed
oooh....ahhhh
mmmm....ahhhh

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
So Mr. Kilroy what do you think of these charges of such shameless acts?
Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!
{sigh} Are you guilty?
Guilty? Of course I'm guilty of being the oldest man alive. Why back in my day we didn't have court rooms. We just had sticks an---
Yes, Mr. Kilroy, I believe you. But please explain why you think Yoda is better than Gandalf? Or Sandra Dee is better slutty? Or more importantly why you want the complete collection of humming songs?
No one is going near my album collection dang nabbit!

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Not to worry Mr. Kilroy, I doubt anyone has your taste in music. But please share with the court some of the good things you have contributed to society.
I like to whittle.
Okay...ummm...yes go on.
As soon as I'm done whittling this here thingie, I'm gonna whomp someone with my walker dang nab---
Okay Mr. Kilroy, thank you.
Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
If you are so old, why haven't you moved into a home?
Was in one. They kicked me out. Said they couldn't take the incessant playing of the Pina Colada song. Kids today...no respect for the classics! They also didn't like me calling dibs on the rocker.
No further questions. The prosecution rests.
I'd like a nap too, please.
You may step down now Mr. DKilroy.
Eh? Speak up dang nabbit!

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Closing Arguments
Well I think the case is clear. Not only is the defendant old but he is shamelessly old! And for this he must be found GUILTY!!
Why is he shouting at me?
Old he may be, but shameless no. Would somebody shameless drink Dr. Pepper?
I like Pizza.
Would somebody shameless try to get tickets for an Elton John/Billy Joel concert?
{humming} Well I'm shameless...

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Would somebody shameless create the masterpiece that is The Dark Dawn of SC?
I read that. It was freakin' hilarious.
If he is guilty of anything, it is that the strip was too short. Or that he hasn't stripped some more.
Now that I wouldn't mind seeing.
That is all ladies and gentleman of the jury. That is ALL!
Gosh I hope so.

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Jury deliberations are now set to begin. And the judge has decided they will be sequestered.
Around the world the trial is the hottest topic, behind 24-hour coverage of Michael Jackson's nose (or lack thereof).
Outside the courtroom it is a media circus. Representatives are here from all nations.
This is Pepe Manycolors reporting for channel 42 in Tugawar, Wy. We are here with Mr. Urit who has followed the trial from the beginning. Tell us wha---
|)|_||)3, +|-|15 50 11|<3 |)\0(|<5!

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Duke Fetchtheball reporting for Canadian channel 3B9. We are here with a Mr. Captain Caveman who claims not to have followed the trial at all. Mr. Caveman---
It's not my cup of tea. If there isn't a good looking carpenter involved then I just ignore it. AWP if you are watching this call me! {teeth sparkle}
Will DKilroy be found guilty?
Will the jury come back hung?

 

by funnypony
2-25-03
Will Henrietta be allowed to plead for the defendant?
He's not a bad guy. I've had worse...
What I meant to say is I've known people more shameless. He really is a good friend to me.
Will funnypony be forbidden to create anymore comics?
Erase, erase, erase!
These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of The Trial of the Century.
{munch...munch} Pass the popcorn would you?
{munch...slurp} Darn, I'm out of soda.

 

by funnypony
1-25-04
6:30 a.m.
"...Bananas relatively high in carbohydrates..."
WT$#*?!?
8:47 a.m.
Who is nuking popcorn at 8:47 in the frickin’ morning?
6:38 p.m.
Must not call Dominos...must not ask for Philly Cheesesteak pizza without crust...

 

by funnypony
1-25-04
12:19 p.m.
Hey this lettuce wrap isn't so bad...
5:08 p.m.
What's for dinner?
I thought you could try one of those new lettuce wraps.
11:23 p.m.
They even make a good late night snack...

 

by funnypony
1-25-04
2:23 p.m.
Mmmm more Crystal Light. Yummy!
Dude, are you okay?
2:24 p.m.
Hang in there brother, the induction period won't last forever.
9:06 p.m.
"...urine test strips that when placed in your urine..."
Now I have to pee on a stick?

 

by funnypony
1-25-04
5:49 a.m.
Mad? I'll show you mad...
8:06 p.m.
I'm telling you, quit your job and you'll lose weight. It worked for me!
&^%$#@!*&^^%
10:55 p.m.
He's really beginning to piss me off...
I need meat!

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
3:46 p.m.
Hey Nick, why don't you come on over to my place after work. I've got a new bird and I'm teaching him to talk.
mumblemumblesuremumblemumble
5:07 p.m.
Say, "pretty bird."
Pretty bird
5:08 p.m.
Ring...ring
Oh man, that's probably my girlfriend. I'll be right back, Nick.

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
5:09 p.m.
Ummm...hello birdie
Hello birdie
5:09 p.m.
Oh, I'm so hungry!
So hungry
5:09 p.m.
Are you mocking me?
Mocking me

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
5:10 p.m.
Keep it up wiseguy!
Wiseguy
5:10 p.m.
I'm warning you. Shut up!
Shut up
5:10 p.m.

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
5:11 p.m.
Uh, Nick. Is there something you want to tell me?
5:11 p.m.
Your birdie flew away.
Are those feathers in your mouth?!?
5:11 p.m.
That's cold, man.
It's not my fault! The cravings are too strong and he was mocking me!

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
12:32 p.m.
Nice Pollo. Pretty bird.
bwock...bwock-bwock
12:34 p.m.
Hold still, this won't hurt a bit.
bwock...bwock-BWOCK...BWO-
12:36 p.m.
It's not like I have a choice. You're on my approved list.
BWOck-bwock...

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
3:14 p.m.
I need meat NOW!
You've got to be kidding...
5:25 p.m.
I'm ordering a pizza for dinner. You can eat 10 buffalo wings, right?
I could eat a LOT of things...
11:59 p.m.
Just two more days. Just two more days.
Just two more days. Just two more days.

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
8:32 a.m.
That diet is beginning to pay off.
Thanks. I don't even smell the popcorn anymore.
2:10 p.m.
Hey Nick, you're looking good!
Right back at ya!
4:55 p.m.
There's something different about you, Nick.
You think so?

 

by funnypony
1-26-04
10:11 a.m.
It's a piece of cake, really. Except that you can't eat cake. EVER!
I'm so jealous.
1:11 p.m.
You don't eat any carbs?
No way! The book says you can eat some but I don't dare. Look at me, I'm gorgeous!
8:42 p.m.
Oh yeah, we're a hot couple.
That's right, you show off that belly button.

 

by funnypony
1-27-04
3:05 p.m.
So, the guy at the Sub shop says you've been harassing him.
I swear I wasn't propositioning anyone. All I asked for was a fluffernutter.
3:11 p.m.
I'm not that religious...but I confess I would kill for a fluffernutter.
Fluffernutter? Is that some new kind of...nevermind.
11:23 p.m.
Don't break now honey. You're doing so good.
All I want is a fluffernutter...No, not THAT. It's a sandwich. A sandwich, I tell ya!

 

by funnypony
1-27-04
6:00 a.m.
Don't give into temptation!
Do you have any white bread? Peanut butter? I need some marshmallow cream.
12:00 p.m.
Listen to me!
Listen to me!
6:00 p.m.
What about you, pointy? You got what I need?
That's right, a few carbs won't kill you!

 

by funnypony
1-27-04
9:17 a.m.
Nick, you look fantastic. Glad you're sticking with the plan.
Once I conquered my cravings for fluffernutters, it was all downhill.
11:57 a.m.
Hey Nick, want to go grab some lunch?
Is it Tuesday? I don't think I eat on Tuesdays.
4:19 p.m.
Ooh, that Atkins sure agreed with you!
What's that? Oh, sorry, I was just checking my health insurance benefits.

 

by funnypony
1-27-04
6:09 p.m.
Wow, a whole year on the Atkins diet. You look marvelous. We should celebrate.
Sounds great! Where would you like to go?
7:38 p.m.
Why don't you treat yourself to something special. Something with carbs. I think it's safe to have just a few.
Do you think so? Well, maybe just a sip of beer.
7:39 p.m.
slurp...slurp
NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

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