All comics by habnem

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by habnem
10-05-01
INT. ENTERPRISE (NIGHT) - Counselor Troi and Data play with a new invisible chessboard.
All right. Your move, Data.
Sure thing. Heh heh. *hic!*
How did you just lose the entire game on your first move?! Are you drunk again?
Whatever. *hic* Is this where I take my pants off?

 

by habnem
10-11-01
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
I'm an artist. I sit in a trash can and spew out palindromes as a metaphor for human suffering. Madam, I'm AAAACK!
Hi. I'm Charlton Heston, inviting you to join the NRA. After all, if we don't control the pinko, patchouli-smelling hippie fag population, who will?

 

by habnem
10-12-01
11 am.
Spank, spank, spank, all day long. Spank, spank, spank while I sing this song.
5 pm.
Gonna polish my helmet, gonna make it shine...
2 am.
Gonna clean off my semen with four-o-nine.

 

by habnem
10-12-01
Early on a Saturday morning in August, autoerotic asphyxiation.
I'm sorry. Were you expecting a joke? The "first" thing not enough for you? Jagoff.

 

by habnem
10-12-01
On a Saturday morning in August, autoerotic asphyxiation. Ladoga, IN.
Buy an atlas and quit yer bitchin.' Move along!

 

by habnem
10-12-01
On a Saturday morning in August, autoerotic asphyxiation.
Where's the new word?
What new word?
Askanfilardiphilipiano.
That's not a word! You're making a mockery of the established convention of this series!
I'm making a mockery of your whore mother, ya fuckin' Askanfilardiphilipiano!
I will rip out your fucking uterus with my teeth, wench!

 

by habnem
10-12-01
I love you, baby.
RAAAAARR!! TOBOR CUDDLE!!!

 

by habnem
10-12-01
Existentialism is so bleak and depressing. How can you believe in it?
No, man, you got it all wrong! God is dead; anything is permissible!
Ooh--I can see how that could be inspirational!
That's right! Only when you realize you're alone in the universe can you truly be free.
moh!
You said it, brother. Give us a hug?

 

by habnem
10-12-01
Wow! Were you really an All-American running back?
I may not be a smart man.
Wow! Were you really the world Ping-Pong champion?
Stupid is as stupid does.
Wow! Are you really a multimillionaire shrimp magnate?
Life is like a box of chocolates.

 

by habnem
10-12-01
Don't bury your cat beyond the barrier!
Why not? What could go wrong?
Don't bury your son beyond the barrier!
Why not? What could go wrong?
Don't bury your wife beyond the barrier!
Why not? What could go wrong?

 

by habnem
10-12-01
You killed your dad and you're fucking your mom!
That's not true!
You killed your dad and you're fucking your mom!
That's not true!
You killed your dad and you're fucking your mom!
Oh my God, you're right! I'm gonna gouge my eyes out!

 

by habnem
10-12-01
Little did she know, but Maura had
Mommy? Don't look behind you, okay?
gone into the realm of the Freaknauts.
Muh-huh-huh... I smell feeeeeesh.

 

by habnem
10-13-01
7:22 am / AttitudeChicka goes to work.
What a beautiful morning! The sun is shining, and my anus feels so moist!
7:22 am / Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-in-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Direction takes his morning walk.
What a beautiful morning! The sun is shining, and my anus feels so moist!

 

by habnem
10-13-01
Come on, Mr. Skeleton--we're ready to shoot!
I'm still not sure... I mean, why change a formula that works?
I told you--the 13375P33K angle will give you a whole new edge! Now come on--the blue screen crew's ready!
|\/| 0 |-| !
You're right. That does sound stupid. Cut!

 

by habnem
10-13-01
Because this background is two-dimensional, you don't know where the foreground is!
That's right!
Therefore, you don't know how tall we are!
Tee hee!
For all you know, we might be... really tall!
Get it?! Get it?! HAHAHAHAHA!

 

by habnem
10-13-01
Wake up! It's Sunday (or Saturday, depending)!

 

by habnem
10-13-01
Hi! I'm Pop!
Hi! I'm Pop!
Hi! I'm Pop!

 

by habnem
10-15-01
Deep under Las Vegas, Habnem gives a pep talk in the bunker where he "makes" his comics...
All right, boys. The finals are here--you'd better PRAY that you're funny, or there will be NO GRUEL UNTIL CHRISTMAS. Comprende?

 

by habnem
10-16-01
7:23 am / Mr. Sticks-His-Dick-In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-In-The-Other-Direction prepares to move.
...and my anus feels so moist!
Running start in five, four, three...
7:23 am / The one-man Poetic Justice Squad moves into position.
Running start in five, four, three...

 

by habnem
10-17-01
Damn your cheatin' heart. How could you want him when you know you could have me?
I can't help it. I'm hooked on a feeling.
That's unforgettable. You're unforgiven. Give me one reason to stay here.
I would do anything for love. Please don't go. You light up my life.
You're unbelievable, you cliche-spouting hussy. Bye bye bye, bitch.
Stay! Ain't no mountain high enough! I would walk 500 miles! I had the time of my life! Look over your shoulder; I'll be there! ...uhh, kum ba ya?

 

by habnem
10-18-01
One fine day, when Gabe walked home...
I'm in the mood for love...
........................................................................................................................................................................................................
...StripCreator history was made.
Like a virgin, hey!

 

by habnem
10-19-01
In the depths of Albania, murmurings of evil are heard among the populace.
The end times are upon us! Repent now, for the hounds of hell will devour the sinners!
Yikes! I'd better call Gabe!
The word quickly spreads across the sea to America, via CNN.
Come to K-Mart for all your survival gear needs!
But I'm so poor... I wonder if I could live off cat food?
...Just another day's work for Audrey, the newly appointed Minister of Mayhemousness.
Move it, fallen ones! The wrath of the Dark Lord shall descend upon you like... like a deranged moocow!
Excellent work, my sweet. Now, how can we fuck with France?

 

by habnem
10-19-01
im realy a virgin but my comix ar the gratest
plase hav sex with me im a virgin and im reely horny
i dont want t ohav sex with yuo im a virgin to
hav sex with me bich oar ill make you sory
dont tell me wat to do ill call my bruthr in teh armie and hell kcik yuore ass
if yuo want to havve sex wit hme, find mee on icq illl lik yuor pussy
YUO ASKD FOR IT FUCKIN BICH ILL KILL YOU!!!
DONT HURT ME MEEN MAN (even thouh i reeely liek it)

 

by habnem
10-23-01
I don't know what it is that gives me the urge to have forcible sex with young women, whilst impelling them to sing a gruesome children's song.
Of course, Sigmund Freud tells us that it's an adult male's task to break his childhood fixation on his mother--perhaps my recurring rape fantasy is a sign of failure in that endeavor.
plaees dont hurt me maen man im a virgin
Hmm... enough of my pontifications. ILL FUCK YUO BICH SIGN 3 BLIDN MICE
ill cut off youor dcik wit ha carveing nife but its to big

 

by habnem
10-26-01
Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Well, last week I got really high and ate all the candy corn in the Halloween section at Costco. The thing is, I've been constipated, and all that candy was fermenting in my bowels... until tonight.
They don't call it a "cornhole" for nothin'.
Why do I wake up in the morning?

 

by habnem
11-01-01
This new invisibility potion is working great, huh AsianGirl2?
Yeah, it's awesome! Let's go find a boys' locker room to raid!
Nah, that's too cliche. Surely we can come up with a better idea than that.
Ehh, I'm getting bored anyway. I'm going to turn visible again.
Should I tell her about the side effects? ...Oh.
Shit, dude! I'm going to rip out your Fallopian tubes with a rusty pair of pliers!

 

by habnem
11-03-01
Is there anything behind me?
No, Lord. Why would there be?
I don't know. Are you sure, though? I can't shake the feeling that there's something behind me.
Come on. You're my Lord and Savior! Wouldn't I tell you if your life was in danger?
Of course. I'm probably just paranoid. You know, you're a good guy to have around, Judas.

 

by habnem
11-03-01
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
What?
. . .
And then I ran over your cat.
I hate you, Cowboy Dan.

 

by habnem
11-03-01
[introduction: the statement that will be debated]
[witty renunciation of that statement]
[violent reaction to that renunciation, possibly with an ethnic slur; almost definitely implying homosexuality]
[threat of serious physical harm to the genitalia]
[non-sequitur, probably involving "ALL YOUR BASE" in some way]
Wirthling sucks!

 

by habnem
11-08-01
Hmm... it's been a while since Jim left in Brad Pitt's body... maybe I should turn on the news.
Oh Jesus!
Local shapeshifting alien Jim Dalmore escaped from Throck County jail today. He was last seen in the body of a small Asian Girl.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Uhh... nobody home!

 

by habnem
11-29-01
Hey there Jesus.
Hi Santa. What do you want?
Well, I thought I should be the one to tell you... the hostile takeover papers are finished. Christmas is mine now.
Hmm... I suppose it was just a matter of time.
Oh well. At least Easter is still mine.
Hey Jesus--you got a minute?

 

by habnem
12-17-01
Hermione, I've Transfigured my wand into a mustard bottle, and my broomstick into a furry chicken, but one curse is bugging me.
Which one's that? Askanfilardiphilipiano?
Crap.
Hospital wing?
Actually, I'm not sure why we ever bother leaving there.

 

by habnem
12-17-01
Hello, class!
I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Sticks-His-Dick-In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-In-The-Other-Direction.
Did you hear that, Ron? What a funny name!
Alohomora!

 

by habnem
12-17-01
Potter! Did you break into my office and steal a bottle of mustard and a furry chicken?
No, Professor Snape. Honestly, I Transfigured... oh, nevermind. Look over there!
What? I don't see anything! What are you playing at?
AARGH! I'll have you expelled, Potter! You and your wretched cloak!
Say... I wonder if Cho's ever done it with an invisible guy?

 

by habnem
12-17-01
Are you my mommy?
No.
Well, who are you then?
I can't tell you that.
Are you well-beloved StripCreator habnem?
Goddamnit! Go away before you disqualify my strip!

 

by habnem
12-20-01
Hello. My name is Fuck. Now that Crabby's abdicated this body and headed for his own user character, I thought I'd take possession.
To mark this most auspicious event, I thought I'd treat you all to a retrospective of my funniest comics.

 

by habnem
4-08-02
The day is saved! Captain Sticks-His-Dick-In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-The-Other-Direction is here!
Captain? Were you promoted?
Not so much--just converted into a superhero. Who the hell are you, and what is the precise nature of the problem?
I'm Out-of-Season Man, and there is no problem, per se.
Well, I'm not leaving until I stick my dick in someone's ass. That's my whole thing.
I don't know what to tell ya, man.

 

by habnem
4-08-02
I don't get it. The Dick-Signal has never failed to alert me to danger before.
Oh--there actually was a problem a few minutes ago.
Fortunately, it was relatively minor--some fish in the East River started a gang brawl of some kind, and a negotiator was called in.
Hmm... well, it's nice to see that Aquaman can still get work every once in a while.
Yeah. Poor bastard.

 

by habnem
4-08-02
Well, here we are in the third issue, and I still haven't rectally violated anyone.
Yeah. It's been a slow day.
Wait a sec--we're in a comic book. Can't we use some kind of sound effect to simulate rectal violation?
I dunno. Could work.
Well, there's a couple mediocre superheroes if I ever saw them.
This really isn't a good time, Captain Uterus.

 

by habnem
4-08-02
I know there are three robbers in the house, honey, but I promise I'll keep you safe.
Yeah, good thing we have this completely impregnable room to hide in, huh?
One hour later...
Mom? I'm diabetic. If I don't get an injection, I'll die.
Are you serious? Why couldn't you have mentioned this earlier?
Another hour later...
So, I know I'm one of the robbers, but now that the really REALLY bad guys are all dead, I'll just run off with all the money. Okay?
Say... speaking of money, can we have ours back?

 

by habnem
4-09-02
Yo. I be Pimp Daddy Eugene, and dis here's my homey TOBOR Money G-Dogg.
Yeeeeeah. I be the pimpinest muthafucka in the wizzorld, yo.
Back da fuck up, nigga. How can you say you be more pimpin' than me? You ain't even gots a hat!
Well, no, but I can use the circuitry in my head to shift your molecular structure in such a way that you'll explode instantaneously.
Umm... well, I guess you be pimpin then.
Word.

 

by habnem
4-09-02
Mayor Fuzzman, I presume?
Yes. Who are you?
Why, I'm Captain Menbah, of course!
Oh! Wonderful! What are your powers?
Well--do you have any Jurgens lotion?
Oy.

 

by habnem
4-09-02
Well, relatively speaking, I'm glad you're here.
Oh yeah--I forgot to mention my ability to instantly change sides of the frame for dramatic convenience purposes.
Yes, lovely. I called a team of superheroes, but they haven't shown up yet.
That blows. Who'd you call?
The Mediocres.
My. I haven't heard that name in some time.

 

by habnem
4-09-02
You know, I was a member of The Mediocres once...
I've been thinking, and there's only enough room for one Captain in this group, Captain Sticks-His-Dick-et-cetera.
Oh, is that right, Captain Menbah? Well, I have seniority!
Perhaps, but I'm much cooler-looking!
Oh yeah? Well look over there!
The pain is still with me to this day.
What? I don't see anything!
3... 2... 1...

 

by habnem
4-09-02
If only I'd had some Jurgens lotion then...
Well, I guess they aren't going to show up, so you're on your own.
The situation is this--there are a bunch of weird things with feet for ears terrorizing the city. I need you to stop them.
Well, that sounds easy enough.
Suddenly...
Everyone hit the ground!
Not so fast, mutant! I will unzip my pants of justice!

 

by habnem
4-09-02
Huzzah! The Mediocres are here!
Long time no see, Captain Sticks-His-Dick-In-Your-Ass-While-You're-Looking-the-Other-Direction.
To be continued...
Captain Menbah! What's a nice piece of ass like you doing in a place like this?
Excuse me. I'm trying to terrorize the city here...

 

by habnem
4-18-02
I may not be a smart man...
But I know what stretching the disbelief of an audience past breaking point and into brazenly stupid territory is.
CUT! Mr. Hanks, please try to focus.
May I have another Oscar now? And twenty million dollars would be nice.

 

by habnem
4-18-02
Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for."
I agree with the second part.
*fart*

 

by habnem
7-28-03
Hey, you should see my cuticles. They're pretty.
Wow. It's not often that you hear a guy talk about his nail beds.
Nail beds? Hell, no.
"Cuticles" is what I've been calling my balls since I started putting makeup on 'em.

 

by habnem
7-28-03
A suicide bomber struck a shopping mall in Kerblakistan today.
Seven were killed and nineteen injured in the attack,
...none of whom were Americans.

Showing page 2.

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