All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
10-21-03
Ivytopia is at war with the United States again.
What happened this time?
It's a long story and classified so I can't go into it in a public place, like StripCreator.
Riiiiiight...
Let's just say it has something to do with the Patriot Act and I'm changing my name to Nydalibeth Snedlditetikasi as part of the attack plan.
Some people really shouldn't be allowed to study geneaology.

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
"A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody."
"You have an active mind and a keen imagination."
"The stars appear every night in the sky. All is well."
"You are unique and find it difficult to live within conventional guidelines."
Yes, these last two are indeed real!
"Hard words break no bones, fine words butter no parsnips."
"Ask not what your fortune cookie can do for you but what you can do for your fortune cookie."

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
I am so disturbed. I found out that the same company makes my dishsoap and toothpaste.
Why is that disturbing? It's not like the two products are made in the same vat.
It's the thought. Now I will forever think of soap when I brush.
Don't be so dramatic.
It could be worse, I guess. The same company that makes my favorite steak sauce could also make cat food.
Actually...

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
ARGH! When will it end?
You need to stop being so sensitive. How bad could it be?
The same company makes my favorite tampons AND favorite drain unclogger!
So you get plugged and unplugged by the same organization!
I'm getting my golf club.
No wait! I have another one!

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
"One in three reckless drivers who were tested for drugs, tested positive for marijuana. It's more harmful than we thought."
I would like to point out that while I neither condone nor condemn the use of pot, I have serious issues with this commercial.
First, the "one out of three" statistic: What about the other two? What were they using? LSD? Heroin? Cocaine? Or were they using none at all?
Second: These are just the drivers who were tested for drugs. How many stoned drivers never get tested? Or how many are tested for alcohol instead?
Third: These are only the people in the "reckless driver" category. That's not counting the "driving under the influence" category, most of which is alcohol related. So pot is really tiny minority.
And finally: This commercial is supposed to properly inform us. Manipulate statistics all you want to sell deodorant, but not like this. Not if you want people to be informed.
And don't get me started on that other one where the kid shoots his friend with a gun his dad left loaded and lying around in plain sight!

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
"...and in other news, Elton John will be a fixture in Las Vegas."
What the--?
Fantasy sequence...
"...the circle of liiiiiiiife!"
*click*
I need to get out more.

 

by ivytheplant
10-21-03
So I hear you used to be quite the punster.
That's what my fans have told me.
Oh yeah? Topics: geology and Star Wars.
Oh please. Too easy. "Rock Wars Epidote One: The Phantom Crystal."
AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!
Mess with the Master, you get lithified! Oh yeah!

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
Well, I'm back from my doctor's appointment.
You're all better I hope. Cause the bowl is empty.
That stupid Sand Dune Incident is coming back to haunt me.
Landing on your head is a bad thing. Let me refresh your memory where to put my food.
I'm going to need a CAT scan.
What!? They won't take my word for it?

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
On a geology field trip...
What's this rock?
I think it's gneiss.
Yeah, but what IS it?
*sigh*

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
On another geology field trip...
Yo teach! I found this sweet rock! What is it?
That's tuff.
I guess I can go ask someone else.
*sigh*

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
Yet another geology field trip...
What's that weird dark stuff over there?
Hrm...appears to be wacke.
Ya...I did say it was weird already.
Kill me now...

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
More geology field tripping...
Yo! What's this stuff? I've been picking it up everywhere.
That's a piece of schist.
ARGH! I licked a piece!
God give me strength to refrain from murdering them...

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
Okay, today we're going to learn about thrust and orogeny...
Um...teach? Isn't that, like, forbidden by the school board or something?
*snicker*
*giggle*
You fail.

 

by ivytheplant
10-22-03
Hey! How's it transportin'?
Schistose man! Schis-tose!
Mercallite to the max!
Keratophyre's where it's at!
I am super happy oryktognostischer!
If ya'll don't shut up right now, I will hunt you down and kill you slowly, painfully, and with much glee.

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-03
With profuse apologies to TS Eliot
A cold coming we had of it,/Just the worst time of the year./For a journey, and such a long journey:/The ways deep and the weather sharp,/The very dead of winter./
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,/Lying down in the melting snow./There were times we regretted,/The summer papaces on slopes, the terraces,/And the silken girls bringing sherbet./
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling/And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,/And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters,/And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly/
And the villagers dirty and charging high prices:/A hard time we had of it/At the end we preferred to travel all night,/Sleeping in snatches,/With voices singing in our ears, saying/
That this was all folly.//Then at dawn we came down to a temperate calley,/Wet, below the snow lone, smelling of vegetation;/With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness,/
And three trees on the low sky,/And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow./Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,/Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,/

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-03
With profuse apologies to TS Eliot
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins./But there was no information, and so we continued/And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon/Finding a place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.//
All this was a long time ago, I remember,/And I would do it again, but set down/This set down/This: were we led all that way for/Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,/
We had evidence and no doubt. I had seen birth and death,/But had thought they were different; this Birth was/Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death./
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,/But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,/With an alien people clutching their gods./I should be glad of another death.
The End
Now go to www.pornolize.com and enter the address of these two strips in the box and watch the fun!

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-03
Ivy goes back in time to add a 13th Commandment...
Now to concentrate really really hard and use my amazing mental powers to travel back in time!
Look at me, I am travelling through time!
While Moses isn't watching...
Lalala. Taking a break and conveniently not watching what happens to the Commandments...
*chisel chisel* "XIII Thou shalt not annoyeth thy townspeople by travelling up and down the streets shouthingeth 'Wooo!'" *chisel chisel*
Back in the 21st century.
It is such a lovely evening, dear brother! So peaceful and quiet! I heareth not a single cry of "Wooo!" from yon drunken fratboys.
Verily.

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-03
It was mentioned to me that there are originally only 10 Commandments so the last strip involving me adding a 13th Commandment is somewhat erroneous. To this allegation, I offer these facts:
According to _God, The Ultimate Autobiography_, the 11th Commandment is "Thou shalt not turn thy Sony Walkman up so loud that it annoyeth thy neighbors."
Unfortunately, Moses did a little creative editing and took that one out since Sony Walkmans hadn't been invented yet.
The 12th Commandment, "Thou shalt alloweth thy cat(s) to leap upon thy counters," is widely known to have been secretly added by cats who wanted a shot of glory.
Unfortunately, humans are unable to grasp the superior mind of cats and therefore erased #12 due to stupidity.
So there you have it. The Lost Commandments. Why I thought people would follow a 13th when they don't follow the first 10 is beyond me. Damn my optimism.

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-03
Go to www.pornolize.com...
1. "Cypris, let Doricha discover/how bitter/you too can be,/and stop her/from boasting loud-mouthed/how he came a second time/to a longed-for love."
2. "...and whenever/I am good/to people,/they're the ones/who hurt me/most of all"
Enter the comic's link...
3. "stars around the beautiful moon.obscure their radiance again/when, with her fullest light,/she floods all the earth"
4. "you came/and did well in that;/I sought you./You melted my heart,/burning with love"
And enjoy!
5. "When you have died, there will be nothing./No memory of you will remain,/not a trace/to linger after:/you do not share/the rose of the Muses with us,/
and will wander unseen/in the hall of the dead,/a fitful shade amonth the blinded ghosts."

 

by ivytheplant
10-23-03
You might have noticed me quoting poetry lately. I love poetry, though only a select few like Baudelaire, Sappho, TS Eliot, Gwen Frostic, etc.
I thought I would share my love of poetry by reciting my favorite Sappho poem...ahem...
"soap"

 

by ivytheplant
10-25-03
The top 5 ways to tell if IvyThePlant has suddenly become deceased.
5. The level of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch hasn't decreased in a week.
4. She hasn't made a comic strip in the past few days.
3. She hasn't fed the cats in the past two days.
2. She hasn't been online all day.
And the number one reason: She hasn't checked her email in the past 15 minutes.
Oh you all are a laugh riot.

 

by ivytheplant
10-26-03
Dead Like Me is such a cool show. I wish I was a Grim Reaper...
*splat!* *soul does it's thing*
Cue fantasy sequence...
I am SO going to get in trouble for this...
Yak yak yak yak economy isn't THAT bad yak yak yak!
Crap. I forgot the hot dogs again. Nothing seasons better than burning human flesh.
AIIIIEEEEEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-26-03
Washing dishes la la la...trying to ignore the piercing stare of whatever is behind me la la la...
You will stop your silly human activities. You will drive to the store and buy me goodies...
Must...resist! Must...not ...give...in...to ...cuteness!
I am your God. I command you. Buy me goodies! Purrrrr!
Later...
There...are you happy now? I bought you all sorts of toys and treats.
It's a good life.

 

by ivytheplant
10-26-03
Today is the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. He got sick and slowly died. Grandma, on the other hand, is 92 years old and still kicking the ass of everything death throws at her.
She's had more surgeries and bouts of cancer than the rest of the family combined. Many surgeries after she was 80. Her artificial heart valve was supposed to give out decades ago.
She's even outlived her doctors, especially the ones who predicted her death decades ago. And all this on a high fat diet compounded by stress out the wazoo.
The only explanation any of us can give is she refuses to die because if she does, there won't be anyone around to worry about us. And that's what she does best. It's a family legend.
"Go Grandma!"
Stay away from me you punk! I'm not going until I see my granddaughter happily married to a handsome young rich man who will provide for her every need!
Just great. Someone's finally found a loophole.

 

by ivytheplant
10-26-03
So apparently people are having problems understanding some of the poems I've been reciting.
To make it easy for you, I will now recite poem 125-LP 184, E 18 by Sappho. Ahem...
"danger"

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-03
So, you're from Arkansas, eh? Heh heh. Do you, ah, "know" Bill Clinton? Heh heh.
growl...
Okay, first of all I didn't even know he was our governor until he ran for president the SECOND time! And second, there is a one in 2,673,400 chance that I would have even seen the guy outside of TV!!
Don't get your panties in a twist, sugar.
Okay, where's my golf club?

 

by ivytheplant
10-27-03
Proof that God has a sense of humor.
Life 2.0 initiated. Enable self-replication? Yes No Ingore?
*Input "Yes" Enter.*
Input desired form of self-replication.
*Input "Physical contact in hard-to-reach-areas, silly faces, and sounds to make children giggle" Enter* ...Now to fly to the mortal realm and see my handiwork.
Oh Adam! Spank me! Spank me HARDER!
Success! Wait'll the Host hears about this! No more dull Friday nights!

 

by ivytheplant
10-28-03
Wanna go see a movie?
Sure. Let me just finish downloading these songs.
Aren't you the one always screaming about how music downloading is stealing?
Yeah, it's still wrong, but I'm downloading Mozart so it doesn't hurt anyone.
Yeah, the people who perform in symphonies aren't REAL musicians after all. Hypocrite.
One click of a button and the entire New York Philharmonic Orchestra is MINE!

 

by ivytheplant
10-28-03
God give me strength to weather the storm I sense is coming...
I'm on a recruitment drive.
Dare I ask why?
I need more people to become citizens of Ivytopia. Know anyone interested?
I'm not sure I'd want to subject them to life under your rule.
Smart-ass comments will cost you dearly, peasant. Tell your horny teenage friends if they join I'll send them pictures of my boobs.

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
Life as the Son of God wasn't easy on a young Jesus, especially on the playground...
Joseph isn't your real father!
Yeah. You're a bastard, you bastard!
Ha ha!
Shuttup! Shuttup!
Ooo! What's he gonna do? Strike us down with the Wrath of God? Ooooo! I'm soooo scared!
What a dork.

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
So I got the CAT scan of my head done yesterday afternoon.
Did they find anything? *snicker*
I dunno. Have to wait for the results. They did let me have a copy of my scans though.
Why would you want copies of those?
Proof. I'm gonna go hang them on they wall.
Now everyone can see what the mind of a madwoman looks like.

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
"You will live a long life, but never get old."
I'm really a dining room table.
Good heavens! I'm going to be Dick Clark!
Better start stockpiling robot body parts for replacement!
Why does no one ever use me?

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
Okay, so I've got the Mallomars, popcorn, caramel apples, soda, candy corn, and some other unhealthy junk food.
I got the scary movie!
What movie did you get?
Sorority Slasher XIV: ROBOTNIK DIED!
Sounds cool. Now let's strip and giggle in a lesbian-esque style while watching a scary movie, practicing kisisng, and reassuring ourselves that the strange noise is just the wind.
I'm halfway there. Where's the baby oil?

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
Well a new law has been passed in Ivytopia.
You get 10% of citizen income?
Don't be silly. The law states that every citizen is entitled to free music education and instruments.
Oh no...you don't mean...
Yup. Come see the violins inherent in the system.
AARRRGGGHHH!!

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
I'm taking donations to fund my Legion of Doom.
I see. How much do you need?
I don't know. The problem is, most of my mentors are either dead or fictional, so it's hard to get an accurate estimate based on their successes...
I...see...
...and even if I do find a new one I'll probably have to calculate inflation and black-ops budgeting that's not on official records.
*compose new message* "Dear Mom, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! Love, Your Terrified Son." *send*

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
People who type with "u r," "ur," "2," and other annoying spellings should be killed. And "o." How hard is it to type an extra letter?
And "prolly." Who the hell came up with that one? A drunk?
At this rate it will only take half a dozen monkeys typing on alternate Thursdays to recreate the works of Shakespeare.

 

by ivytheplant
10-29-03
My crazy ex-neighbor emailed me the other day. Her only words were "Wanna chat?" which reminded me of those fucking 12 year olds that IM anyone they think might be "c@@l"...
...and if you make the fatal mistake of responding to them, will type everything in a bastard combination of netspeak and hacker. "LOL!!!! ur 2 c@@l!!! asl??? "
Bah...they should all be killed.

 

by ivytheplant
10-31-03
Happy Halloween sis! What are you wearing?
Surgical scrubs and a pointed hat.
Huh?
A witch doctor.
I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
Need your appendix out?

 

by ivytheplant
10-31-03
So what are you going to be?
A cereal killer.
I didn't hear that.
Are you done with the corn flakes yet?

 

by ivytheplant
11-02-03
"The sun will always shine through your heart, into your smile, and warm your soul."
Someone really needs to draw a damn table.
Waitaminute...
AAAIIIEEEE!!!!
Well that explains her garlic phobia.

 

by ivytheplant
11-02-03
Oh dear me! I seemed to have broken a heel right as I came to this graveyard! I'd better take my clothes off so I can fix my shoe!
Oh no! Now my clothes are all muddy! Help! Oh help!
Oh mister! Can you help me? I seem to have gotten lost in this scary graveyard and it's really cold out!
Dear Satan, thank you for this bounty I am about to receive...

 

by ivytheplant
11-02-03
I am pensive. I am alone. I fly unto the blackness.
I laugh at your pain! Your soul shall feed me oh mortal head!
You cannot harm me oh wind of evil for I have the Power and the Power shall it destroy your stench!
You are nothing. You are week. I have already feasted upon the souls of your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and pet canary!
ROBOTNIK DIED!
Alas. I am no more. You have conquered me. All is well.

 

by ivytheplant
11-04-03
Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?
Sure, I'll have a #4 large with Dr. Pepper.
Okay, just sign this waiver stating you won't sue the company for any ailments received in direct connection to the meal you consume in this establishment.
Why the hell would I sue you?
It's just a precaution, ma'am. We have to protect ourselves.
How about you give me the burger before I shove that waiver up your ass?

 

by ivytheplant
11-04-03
Good morning dear brother!!
"Good" morning? And what the hell are you doing up before noon?
I thought I'd get a jumpstart on the day. I already cleaned the kitchen.
Have you been eating Pixy Stix again?
No, what in the hell made you say that? I'm just fine. Gonna go vacuum the living room now.
That's it, I'm moving out.

 

by ivytheplant
11-04-03
*mooooaaaaann*
I TOLD you moderation!
Oh shuttup! And stop yelling! My head hurts!
I hope next time you'll go easy on the Pixy Stix!
*mooooaaaaann*
Nothing like crashing after an all-night sugar high.

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-03
I've decided to give up my plans for world domination and dedicate my life to helping children.
Did you OD on Pixy Stix?
No. Farewell dear brother! I am off to seek a life of self-induced poverty to help all the children of the world!
Sweet! I get her room!
An hour later...
...and that's when the screaming started.
Well at least now you'll have the self-induced poverty thing down.

 

by ivytheplant
11-05-03
Look at all those children. They scream and cry because no one seems to care. I should do something.
Half an hour later...
...so now I have to get all the neighbors to sign a statement saying they know I live next door.
Remember when you wouldn't bail me out for the traffic violation?
Yeaaah...
Yours is so much worse. Toodles!

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-03
*grumble grumble (insert something here about mass murder grumble*
Sheesh, you look like crap. What happened?
Stupid power went out early this morning and the alarm never went off.
Ouch. Miss your classes?
ARGH! That's the thing! Everything's after 3pm today!
Wow...the ONE time you don't have to make something up...

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-03
I see you stayed up all last night working on your web page hobby.
Yeah, so?
You created three new pages with appearance and content wildly different from each other.
Again, so what?
Have you ever thought how good your grades would be if you put as much energy into your classes?
Hey! You know the rules! No emulating Mom!

 

by ivytheplant
11-06-03
...so I really do like CSI for more than watching the drool-worthy male characters.
Sure you do.
No really! I learn so much! Every time I watch it, I learn more things I should keep in mind when I commit a crime.
Oh great. CSI is teaching the public how to get away with murder.
Just the opposite. It's too much work. It's so much easier to get a job.
You'd think more people would have picked up on this.

Showing page 2.

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