All comics by krandall

Profile

 

by krandall
6-06-08
Hey, Li-li. What's black and white and red all over?
My boyfriend's cum-slathered dick last night after he fucked my ass.
I was gonna say a nun falling down a flight of stairs, but that works too.
Not without lube.

 

by krandall
6-08-08
For show and tell today, I brought my pet canary Conway.
Unfortunately, Muhhamed Allubar comes before Janey Betterson alphabetically.
...and he showed us all how his brother's suicide vest works.

 

by krandall
6-08-08
On three. Ready? One... Two... Three...
Draw!
Damn. You're quick, pardner.

 

by krandall
6-10-08
So how was that Iron Maiden concert last night, man?
I said how was that Iron Maiden concert last night, man!?
That good, huh?
Huh? You say something?

 

by krandall
6-10-08
Warnings against Adultery
What do you say to dinner at my house later?
No... I probably shouldn't.
Warnings against Adultery
Come on. I'll suck your cock so good you'll lose your grasp of the English language for a several hours afterward. I can do that you know. All whores can.
Warnings against Adultery
So seven o'clock then?

 

by krandall
6-10-08
You're the new janitor, aren't ya? Wow, I'd hate to have to clean up around here everyday. This place is like a maze.
They say it's haunted too. If you're ever working late, sometimes you see a ghost float by. It scares the shit out of all the new guys.
Don't worry though. If you head over to the corners of the office, there's these pills you can take, turns the ghosts blue and you can eat 'em.

 

I fuckin' quit.
by krandall, 6-10-08

 

by krandall
6-10-08
I cleared away the whole floor, boss. It's all clean... until tomorrow anyway.
That's awesome, Arty. You know what? To hell with six months of probation. I'm giving you a raise.
How's a nice fat juicy strawberry sound to you?
Sigh...

 

by krandall
6-11-08
We Fleeborgians have unanimously decided to seize control of the planet Earth to harvest it for its resources. As a superior race, we address you as "God" of this planet. Step down.
Well? Do you have a response you wish me to deliver to my people?
It's on, bitch.

 

by krandall
6-11-08
You can't seriously think to oppose us. Afterall, aren't you the supreme being who sits by while these people suffer war, famine, disease, and death, doing nothing? Why do you care if we destroy them?
This is not even to mention the fact that most of them don't even believe in you, and the ones that do flagrantly disobey your laws.
I gave them free will, bitch. And you motherfuckers ain't gonna take it away.

 

by krandall
6-11-08
Very well, then. It, as you say, is on.
I shall report back to my people that you have decided on war. They will not be pleased and will no doubt increase the resulting suffering because of your insolence, thereby verifying-
-FLIFF!-
You're in my world, bitch. Don't fuck with me.

 

by krandall
6-12-08
I'm so upset, Jennifer! Yet another guy bailed on me after the third date! I thought this one was different! What the hell am I doing wrong!?
I mean, I'm young, attractive, confident, clean, out-going. I don't get it. Why do guys seem to run from me? It's ridiculous already.
Ha ha. Well tell me something, Ange. Do you spit, swallow, or take it in the face like a good little girl?
Oh my God! Ew! Oral sex!? Gross! I would never put my mouth anywhere near a guy's dick! That is just dis-gus-ting! Blech!
Okay I think I see the problem here...

 

by krandall
6-12-08
So, you're saying I pretty much HAVE to give head or no guy will ever be interested in me? I don't buy it! A man should love me for who I am!
Well, let me put it this way, Ange...
We're both young, attractive, confident, clean, and out-going. My tongue can make a man babble like a retard and yours can't. Who's he gonna choose?
-whimper-
Exactly.

 

by krandall
6-12-08
I just saw Ange run into the bathroom crying. What the hell were you two talking about?
Heh. Get this. Ange doesn't think she NEEDS to give her man any blowjobs. She thinks a guy should love her for who she is.
BWAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! Oh my god that's funny! You're shitting me! They still MAKE women like that? BWAHAHAHAH!
I know, right? Oh my lord. Poor girl.
I heard Eric laughing. What did you tell him?
He overheard me talking about giving blowjobs and he asked me out. Need I say more?

 

by krandall
6-13-08
Alright
With my X-ray specs, you'll be able to see a woman's true nature from the very first date. Put them on and I'll bring on the first candidate.
Okay. She's hot. Now I'll try the specs.
Hi... Tee hee. I'm Julie. You're kinda cute. What's your name?
Hmmm. Apparently Led Zeppelin was right...
I'm looking for a guy who's not a jerk or a player. I just want quiet walks on the beach. No drama, you know? My ex-boyfriend was such a asshole...

 

by krandall
6-13-08
Psst. Nick. I got some intelligence on some naughty kids.
Lay it on me.
Dave stole a candy bar. And I heard someone talking about Jenny and Mike playing doctor in his dad's garage.
Alright. Thanks, man. There'll be a little something extra in your stocking this year. Keep your nose clean, kid.
That'll teach Mike to fuck my girl.

 

by krandall
6-13-08
You know if you keep making that face it's gonna stay like that.
'uck oooo...

 

by krandall
6-15-08
Ironic, isn't it? You once told me you wouldn't sleep with me even if I was the last man on earth, and now here we are.
Actually I was thinking about that, last night, Cliff.
And?
Well...

 

by krandall
6-15-08
What the fuck? Am I in heaven?
Yes, Daryl. You must be punished for all eternity for your sins, and we figured a twisted fuck of a masochist like you would probably enjoy hell.
No...
So here you are. Welcome to an eternity of complete and total bliss where even a kick in the nuts is ecstasy. Gotta go. See ya! - POOF!-
NOOOOOO!

 

Go back! For the love of God, go back! It's a blowjob!!!
by krandall, 6-15-08

 

by krandall
6-15-08
-GAG!-
-Wretch!-
In his first week as a vampire, Kenny fell for the old joke that going down on a chick on the rag is the same thing as real blood.
-BAAAARFFFF!!!-

 

by krandall
6-15-08
Today's men just aren't scared by the typical horror movies our studio has come out with lately. We need some fresh ideas, Johnson!
We've had a team working on it, sir, and I think you'll be pleased with what we've come up with.
Alright. What's your idea?
Briserk! A movie about a jewish mohel who goes on a rampage. We think men will be terrified. I'd like you to meet the star, Frank Bunniman.
I'm scared already.
Let's see that schmeckle, you gentile pig.

 

by krandall
6-15-08
Ah... Ah... Ah-CHOO!
Bless you.
-POOF!-
WTF?

 

♪ Whoa, Black Betty! Ram-a-Lamb! Whoa, Black Betty! Ram-a-Lamb! ♫
by krandall, 6-16-08

 

by krandall
6-16-08
♪ LOVE HURTS! LOVE WOUNDS! AND SCARS Oooh, Woo, LOVE HURTS! ♫
Oh no, Mi-Mi. Did your boyfriend break up with you? Why you singing that song?
No. We're still together. In fact, we just finished having sex.
Ah. I see.
♪ LOVE HURTS! LOVE HURTS! Woo, ooh... ♫
Y'all ready fo round four, beyotch?

 

by krandall
6-16-08
TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, EARTHLING!
Perhaps this brown pile IS their leader.
YOU THERE, BROWN PILE! ARE YOU THE ONE THEY CALL BUSH?

 

by krandall
6-16-08
You there, Julia Williams! You suddenly have an overwhelming urge to throw yourself at me and fuck my brains out!
Weird. I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to throw myself at Jimmy Peterson and fuck his brains out!
Guess nobody told him I was mangled in a car wreck three days ago.

 

by krandall
6-17-08
What are you doing with all the couch cusions, Billy?
I'm building a fartress.
Don't you mean a fortress?
Dad's been eating chilli. I plan to be somewhere deep under cover when that bomb goes off.
I'll get the mattress from the spare room.
And grab some saran wrap while you're at it.

 

by krandall
6-17-08
If you bake things in a bakery and hatch things in a hatchery and eat in an eatery, shouldn't a brothel be called a fuckery?
I don't know. Maybe you should ask your mom.
And hey! A bulemic's bathroom would be called a purgery! HAHA. Hey! Come back.

 

by krandall
6-18-08
♫ ♪ Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, You're stayin alive, stayin alive. Feel the city breakin and everybody shakin, And were stayin alive, stayin alive. ♫
♫ ♪ Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin alive, stayin alive! ♫ ♪ Come on, Irony Kid, boogey down with me!
I can't.

 

Do my eyes look upside down to you?
Yeah, a little. Your whole face sorta does.
by krandall, 6-20-08

 

by krandall
6-21-08
I like dressing up in women's clothing and prancing around the woods with flowers in my hair.
Me too.
What are you, some kind of fuckin' farie!?

 

That fuckin' meteor shoulda been here by now, huh? What the fuck!
by krandall, 6-23-08

 

by krandall
6-23-08
Doctor, do you have anything for premature ejaculation?
Yer boyfriend not lasting long enough, huh? Don't worry, it's a fairly common problem.
No, you don't understand. I want him to come in only two or three strokes. My stitches keep ripping if he goes any longer than that.
Uh... Oh...
Well... Maybe I could make the stitches even tighter.

 

by krandall
6-23-08
Hey! Where'd you get the blood from, man!? I'm so starving!
You see that tree over there?
Yeah! What about it!?
Well I didn't.

 

by krandall
6-23-08
We can base this game on your life, Mr. Darrow, but the lawyers have requested a few changes.
Such as?
This Community Chest card that says "Blow a dude in a bathroom stall $10... Why don't we say "Win 2nd prize in a beauty contest" instead?
Times were tough, my good man.

 

by krandall
6-24-08
I'm Smilin' Jim Twing, the Sofa King! Come on down to our Sofa King warehouse for our latest blockbuster sale!
We've got sofas, easy chairs, beds, appliances! Everything you need to furnish your home, all with no money down!
Come see the Sofa King, where all our products are Sofa King Comfortable, our prices are Sofa King Low, and our deals are Sofa King Good!

 

by krandall
6-24-08
Hi, boys. Forget that silly old Sofa King. I'm Judy McPheen, the Mattress Queen. Come on down for the hottest deals in town.
We've got King Size, Queen Size, Doubles, Singles, all at prices so low, they'll make you need to lie down for a while. And you'll be all breathless and sweaty too.
So come see me, Judy McPheen, for the hottest deals you've ever seen. I wanna be your Mattress Queen. Know what I mean?

 

Okay, guys? I agreed to do a bit of bukkake, but this is ridiculous already.
by krandall, 6-24-08

 

by krandall
6-26-08
You owe me a favour. Go with Jimmy when he gets here. He's in one of his moods again. He probably wants rough anal or something.
You mean you still haven't told him you have a twin sister?
I can't tell him yet. Not until you've paid me back for all those times you made me fuck Derek "The Donkey" Marshall. Remember?
I guess rough anal isn't so bad.
Don't forget to weep like a little girl. He likes that for some reason.

 

by krandall
6-26-08
Are you, looking at my breasts, Timmy?
Um.. yes, Mrs. Philmore- I mean NO! I mean... oh god!
It's okay, Timmy. It's perfectly normal. I don't mind at all... Would you like to touch them?
-ulp- yes, Mrs. Philmore. I'd love to! But wouldn't that be wrong?
You're such a hansome boy, Timmy, and smart too. Do you know how to disconnect brakes from a 2004 Cadillac?

 

by krandall
6-26-08
Bitch.
Asshole.
I know you are but what am I?
Nice comeback. Gonna stick out your tongue and wiggle your fingers in front of your nose next?
You're the one who shoved the broomstick up Millie Anderson's asshole, not me. Why was I sent to the pricipal's office!?
Because you kicked it once it was in there! That's why! God! I can't believe this thing used to be beige.

 

by krandall
6-26-08
Car broke down, huh? Well, y'all can sleep in the barn tonight, but don'tcha dare touch mi daughter.
Ya hear me, Mr. Big City Salesman!?
Uh-oh. Dad's been drinking...
Ya lay one finger on 'er, and I'll blow yer Yankee nuts off!
And now he's talking to himself again. I'm gonna have to lock my bedroom door tonight.

 

by krandall
6-27-08
Now serving six-hundred and sixty-seven. Six-hundred and sixty-seven going once...
Going twice...
Wait! Did you call six-hundred and sixty-six already? I was in the can.
We called that one, sir. You'll have to take another number and head to the back of the line.
Ah, dammit all to hell!

 

by krandall
6-30-08
I learned something important today.
What's that?
Saliva makes a poor lubricant.
Blood helps... eventually.

 

by krandall
6-30-08
What the fuck? Okay, no.
I can't. I just can't. This is ridiculous!
Who the hell ordered these new urinals!?

 

by krandall
6-30-08
We found this dead cat in a locked box. Apparently he's been poisoned with hydrocyanic acid. Do you have an explaination for this?
Um...
He's only dead because you observed him as being dead. If you would have left the box locked, he would have had an equal probability of being alive.
Huh?
Fine! The little fucker shit on my pillow yesterday.

 

by krandall
7-02-08
I heard Bob's wife had a stroke last night.
She did? Awesome man! That chick is major hot! I'd have loved to seen that.
You do know we're talking about a serious medical condition that nearly killed her, right?
Oh. I thought you were talking about some sort of sexual thing.
Actually, she had the stroke while doing DP with two black guys while Ron taped it. So technically we're both right.
I figured.

 

by krandall
7-04-08
Is it costume night already? Sweet, Martha. You look so goth in that vampire outfit.
I'm not Martha. This is no costume! I'm here to suck your blood! Ah... ah... ah....
Right, baby. I got something you can suck outta me, and it ain't red. Ah... ah... ah...
Fool! You don't understand! I'm here to drain your very life away!
Watch out! Heh! I'm gonna stake you with my woody. And hey! Later on, I'll be the vampire and you can "stake" me with the strap-on.
I am backing away slowly now. Perhaps this was a mistake.

 

by krandall
7-04-08
???
"Bob, bob, slurp, lick, suck, kiss, tickle, bob, bob, gag, bob, gag, swallow, swallow, kiss."
Um... what are you doing, Jennie?
I got a part in a movie. Some guy offered me $500, right on the street yesterday. I'm just making sure I remember my lines.
Lines, huh?
Yup, it's weird dialog, but it's some independant film thing. I'm pretty sure anyway. Now where was I? "Bob, bob, slurp, lick, suck, kiss, tickle, bob, bob..."

Showing page 2.

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