All comics by ladyjdotnet

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by ladyjdotnet
12-01-01
Kathy Lee Gifford! I need your advice. How do you get the world to stop talking about you having a sweatshop?
Oh, that's easy. You just give them something else to talk about that upsets them more.
Well, what could be more upsetting to people than running a sweatshop?
That's the hard part. I don't think I've found one yet either.
I'll have to think some more on that, then.
Yeah. Good luck on that. Hey, Wanna see some pictures of my son, Cody? He did the cutest thing the other day. He was in the bathroom and he was playing Blahblahblahblah Blahblahblahblah

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-03-01
When analyzing a dating disaster, it is important to think back to the beginning and figure out who made the first mistake. In this case, it was me.
The first mistake was that I broke my cardinal rule about dating guys from the internet whom I've never met before. I gave the guy my home address.
The second mistake was allowing myself to be summoned by a car horn.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-03-01
In email, he had asked me out for dinner and a movie.
So, I figure we'll eat first, k?
Sounds good to me.
He took me to a dirty, understaffed, cheap diner.
Order anything you want!
Hmmm, I'll have a club sandwich with fries.
He checked the contents of his wallet under the table.
Just a glass of water for me, thanks!

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-03-01
I ate my sandwich. He ate complementary bread.
She's purty.
He's shorter and fatter than he looks in his pictures.
We silently evaluated one another.
She has big booblies.
He must have a cat. There's hair all over his sweater.
We made... discoveries.
Her booblies jiggle when she chews.
Oh good Lord. That's not cat hair! It's GROWING through the sweater!

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-03-01
Dating etiquette says that the person who does the asking does the paying, unless other arrangements were agreed upon before the date.
But I didn't want this dud to think I "owed" him anything...
How about you let me pay for my meal?
What? No! Don't be silly! Well... all right. If you insist.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-03-01
It became clear to me that he had no idea what a disaster this date was.
So! What movie do you want to see?
How about you just take me home now?
I mean, he *really* had no idea.
Oh, really? Wow.
No... I mean... I have an early morning tomorrow. Let's call it a night.
None.
So, when can we do this again?
Um, never.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-03-01
In my memory,
Never? Why never?
I really don't think we have anything in common.
he shall always remain
Why do you say that?
I think we should just leave it at that. Good night.
Captain Clueless
So, no good night kiss?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-04-01
There are three rules for making a great comic.
Unfortunately, gabe_billings died of his wounds before I could make him tell me.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-04-01
One day on the ship...
Mx V norp, "Yubq, uilk plrut cbmiunas vim't wruna wortniqe grapnotns br oplunkonws!"
Ot, ot!
...the Babelfish was acting up.
What the fuck were you talking about?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-04-01
What the fuck are you thinking about?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Hmm.
I'll take your silence as consent, you worthless skank.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Hedy Lamarr said, "Any girl can look glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
Ooooh. Let me try.
~
~
It's no use. You'll never be glamorous.
I'm trying very hard to be flattered by that.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Mae West said, "Brains are an asset, if you hide them."
Hmm.
So. Where shall I hide yours?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Steven Wright ponders, "If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
What did he mean, "if"?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Benito Mussolini said, "The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people."
Sainthood, here I come, baybee!

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
I challenge you to a stripcreator comic creation contest!
The Roman poet Marcus Valerius Martialus said it best. "There is no glory in outstripping donkeys."
Did they have pink ones back in 104 A.D.??
I see your point.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
When he was 4 years old, British novelist-to-be David Garnett told his mother,
"All right, I will learn to read, but when I have learned, I never, never shall."
What a lying little fuck.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-07-01
Abraham Lincoln said, "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
Maybe John Wilkes Booth was his waiter at the restaurant before the play.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-08-01
Casey Stengel said, "They say you can't do it, but sometimes it doesn't always work."
Ha ha!
What the fuck was he talking about?

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-08-01
Nietzsche said, "It is easier to be gigantic than to be beautiful."
Don't I know it.
Preach it, bro.
Can't I be both?
I never did like Nietzsche.

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-12-01
To get past me, you must correctly answer The_Riddle_Of_The_Spanx! You only get one chance! What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
The answer is irrhelephant!
I don't cross rhinos and they don't cross me.
A rhino who WOULDN'T have forgotten that it's my birthday.
Helliphino!

 

by ladyjdotnet
12-13-01
*******STARBUCKS********COFFEE**********
I SAID, take a number. I'm not ready to serve you yet, you prole.
!!
I can't believe how rude they are in there.
Nullus actio admitto bastardes contero cafe iste, my friend.
What does that mean?
Don't let the bastards grind your coffee.

 

by ladyjdotnet
1-03-02
What's so funny?
Back in high school, Stewart would repeatedly hit the recall button to sort of unscramble the porn channel enough to see a nipple or a bit of beaver.
Heh, that *is* kind of funny.
That's not what I'm laughing about, though.
So what's funny, then?
Stewart was about 84% cooler than gabe and wirthling, repeatedly reloading the as-yet-unmade comic #49990 in order to get the jump on one another for #50000.

 

by ladyjdotnet
1-04-02
Having successfully infiltrated the Soviet headquarters to steal the enemy's plans for The Wheel, Mata Hari swallows the microfiche for safe retrieval later, back in the states.
They'll never find the plans in here! Blarg! I'm choking! Help me, you fools!
Her carefully assembled espionage team does their best to help.
Try raising your arms above your head.
Wash it down with this glass of beer!!
Did I say carefully assembled?
No, you heathen. You're supposed to serve white wine with micro*fiche*.
Well, what if it's a *micro*brew?

 

by ladyjdotnet
1-10-02
Professor, can you tell me where the library's at?
The library is two doors to your left. If you would spend some time there, you might learn that a sentence should not end in a preposition.
My roommate committed suicide, so you have to give me an A.
That is a common misconception. In truth, you may apply to have the semester erased, but you will not receive an automatic A.
You're not a professor at all! You're that Mr. Pedantic guy!
That would be DOCTOR Ped-D'oh!

 

by ladyjdotnet
1-14-02
Cue Laugh Track
It's time you started looking for a space job, son. Either that, or help out on the space farm with yer maw and me.
Right after the space football game... oh yeah, and then there's that I Love Space Lucy marathon... and then...
Cue Laugh Track
What's wrong with working at space Woolworth's? I don't want to have a space husband. I'm a space career woman!
Now, dear. I didn't slave away on this space farm with your father and lose my fingers in a space thresher accident so you could spend your life working.
Cue Applause
What are we going to do with these space kids of ours? I don't think they'll ever learn.
I don't know, dear. But I do know what will cheer you up... Moon pies!

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-16-02
Mozoltov, Mr. Dahmer. Your son is now a member of the Jewish community!
You gonna eat that?

 

by ladyjdotnet
7-25-02
At last, the truth is revealed.
Back to work, you bastards. I don't pay you to slack off in the break room. Move it!
The dinosaurs didn't just die off.
They were worked to death.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-03-02
Okay, like I want you to put the nails up on this wall so I can hang up my painting from art class. And, um, make sure the nails are equidistant from one another.
Hmmm, or maybe the painting should go on this wall over here. Hmmm, but then it would have to compete for attention with my Hello Kitty collection.
Oh, I don't know! Just go ahead and hang the painting wherever there's some empty space.
If she'd just hold her head still, I would.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
New York City. The Plaza Hotel. 1974.
I was conceived.
So, it seems, was my personality.
Was it good for you?
Hopefully the end will justify the means.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
New York City. Beth Israel Hospital. 1974.
I was born.
Those cute candystripers sure did think me a stud, carrying that baby around.
Why do you have beer in a hospital? Wait a second, what the hell did you do with the baby?
That was my first mistake.
Is this how it's going to be from now on? "Where's the BABY, Andy?" Jesus Christ, woman. All you do is nag.
Thank you, nurse. I'm sure my husband didn't intentionally leave her in the cafeteria.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
New York City. The borough of Brooklyn. 1977. Three weeks before my third birthday.
My sister was born.
There was much rejoicing.
Wonderful. Just after we get one potty trained, you go and pop out another wailing, smelly soft-serve dispenser.
Why do you care? I'm sure you won't change the diapers on this one either.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
My sister provided me with so much.
Hey Liz, what does the bottom of my shoe say?
Companionship, conversation, commiseration...
It says...
...and a place to transfer all the crap I got from my parents.
N... I... K... OW!

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
Grade School is tough on the fat girl.
Hey Fatty McFat! Stop walking, you're making the world shake!
Hahahaha! That was funny!
Especially when she handled the teasing by crying.
Awww, you gonna cry? Now we'll just have to call you Blubby McBlubber!
Tee hee, you're so funny!
Perspective is always found too late.
I'd better keep teasing Jessica or people might start to realize that I'm a budding lesbian.
Thank god Jessica came along, or I'd still be the unpopular kid!

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
High school promised to be more of the same...
Fatty McFat in ACTING class? They don't have many roles for Thanksgiving Day parade floats!
Hahaha.
Except that I was blissfully saved from that.
Awww, I think she is going to cry again!
Hee hee. Blubby McBlubber!
I was diagnosed with cancer, and had home tutoring for a year.
Oh? Cancer? I think I have a class I need to be getting too. Bye!
Um, wow. Yeah. Um. Okay, yeah. Bye!

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
I started again the following year, in a different school.
Hey, bald girl! Did you lose your hair?
Not really. I know precisely where it is.
People forgot to tease me about my weight, and focused more on the subtle fact that I was bald from chemotherapy.
Oh my god. If I were a bald freak, I'd kill myself!
If wishes were horses...
Luckily, this time I was armed with wit, and more importantly, apathy.
Hey Baldy McBald! You're bald!
Oh. My. Boy is my face ever red from embarassment. Yes.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
Gradually people grew to know and like me.
Hi, Jessica!
Whatever.
Because I'd learned an important lesson...
Yo, Jessica.
Mm-hmm.
...not to let people get my goat.
You see, they can't get you if you don't exist.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
Over the years that followed, I grew hair, grew curves, and grew even more jaded.
Fuck school.
I experimented with sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Play Free Bird!
Blow me!
And ended up dating men who were just like my father.
...and so it would really mean a lot to me if you would meet my mom.
I'm sorry, were you talking? The music in my head was more important right then.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
"And then," to quote VH1, "I hit bottom."
My boyfriend dumped me, I got fired from my job, my mom and I do nothing but fight, and I hate my father.
I know, I'll move somewhere else, and start over. Why not try Cleveland? It suits my mood.
So, I'll admit it. I ran away.
Wouldn't you?
I ran away to Cleveland.
So, this is Ohio, huh. I don't know what I was hoping for, so I can't decide whether or not to be disappointed.
Go for disappointed. Everyone else here has.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
I stayed for a few weeks at my friend Michele's place. Her husband had a crush on me.
He's really starting to creep me out.
I'm going to have some really great threesome fantasies tonight!
Michele's obliviousness didn't help the situation.
My husband and I have been having the best sex ever since you came to stay here.
I know. The walls are thin.
Having been rebuffed one too many times by me, her husband developed a case of sour grapes.
Why are you even friends with that slut? It's obvious she is trying to steal me from you.
I think I'll help her find an apartment.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
I spent a lot more time online.
So, I'm really into this whole being single thing.
That's a shame, because I'm in love with you.
I fell in love with someone online.
The great thing about not being into commitment is that I'm not committed to being single.
Good deal. Come live with me in Nebraska.
He wasn't like my father.
Righty-o. This weekend too soon?
I'll fly out and help you pack.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
I wasn't physically attracted to Sam.
So, exclusivity, huh?
I'd really prefer that, yes.
However, I was in love with him, so it didn't matter.
I can see that non-monogamy is not something that you can cope with, so I'll cave.
Yippee.
Until I stopped being in love with him.
I know it's my own fault for the decision I made, but it doesn't stop me from resenting you. Bye.
I wish I had tear ducts.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
I needed money to move into my own apartment, so I decided to sell my Magic cards.
Phil, will you help me go through my cards and see what they're worth?
Sure. I'll ask Paul to help. He's like a Magic:TheGathering GOD.
Phil and Paul and I spent a lot of time together after the move.
I'm really glad you introduced me to Jess, Phil. I really like her a lot.
Yeah well, just don't hog her up all the time.
We all got... very close.
Shouldn't we wait for Paul?
I'm sure we'll still be at it when he gets here.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
Phil and I started drifting apart.
You know, I really don't think Phil's good enough for you.
You know, I agree. He reminds me a lot of my father.
Paul and I started getting closer.
I hope I don't remind you of your father.
Not yet. Ask me again in a few months.
Paul and I became official.
I know that you have issues with monogamy._Though I would really prefer it in a serious relationship, I'll try to change for you.
Yippee.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-07-02
Here's my current fantasy scenario. It had to be edited because the rules said that lottery fantasies are out.
What do I see for the future? That's a really tough question.
Paul opens his game shop, and becomes uber-successful.
That'll be $843.94. Enjoy your moxes!
See ya again tomorrow!
And I get a sizable private grant to live my life as an art form.
Please, mistress. May I have another?
I dunno, I'll think about it. I have a pottery class to go to_now._Please_clean the_bathroom before you reshackle yourself.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-11-02
Time passes
Waiting for ObiJo is like waiting for Godot.
Actually, waiting for ObiJo is more like waiting for you.
Bitch.

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-21-02
Get me down from here, Daddamnit! How dare you treat the SON OF GOD like this! Eat me, bastards! Do you hear me? EAT ME!
Mmm-hmm.
So then he said, "Eat me."
Oh no, that will never do.
Later...
... and so Jesus Christ told the people to drink of his blood and eat of his body...

 

by ladyjdotnet
9-24-02
The terrorists have attacked our way of life.
They have attacked us because they hate our pride in our way of life.
They have attacked us because they hate our capitalistic values.
They have attacked us because they hate our tendency to seek that which gratifies us.
So, you see... if you don't give me a blow job, the terrorists win.
Whatever mack... it'll still be five bucks.

 

by ladyjdotnet
10-07-02
I've decided that I do not approve of the version of you that I have created from my skewed perceptions. Apologize, and I'll let you stroke my ego while I belittle you.
No thanks.
Well then, I don't like you! I do not approve of you. I will write at great length about this principle, and attempt to bait you into expending more energy on me!
Why don't women like me?

 

by ladyjdotnet
11-01-02
Hey. You called for a mover?
Yes. Come inside and handle my box.
Lady, I'm a mover, not a prostitute.
What are you talking about? I just want you to move my refrigerator!
You're staring at my crotch.
Well, it's a very nice crotch.

Showing page 2.

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