All comics by lara7

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by lara7
12-17-01
YOU SAID "ACTING". TOBOR_IS_A_MACHINE AND DOES NOT HAVE CAPABILITY TO "ACT". TOBOR CAN ONLY FOLLOW CODED INSTRUCTIONS KNOWN AS A "PROGRAM".
Yes, yes, I know. But Doctor, why is Tobor affected, since a machine would be unable to ingest "Buttery Nut Surprise"?
HAR! He called me "Butt Doctor"!
LOWLY GRAD STUDENT INCORRECTLY NAMES THE DOCTOR'S NEW RECIPE. NEW ICE CREAM IS CALLED "LIBIDO CRUNCH" AND ONLY AFFECTS HUMANS.
The Robot is correct. "Buttery Nut Surprise" refers to my prefered method of administering "Libido Crunch".
And here I thought all the pervs in the Agriculture college were in the Animal Husbandry department...

 

by lara7
12-19-01
I have a confession. I've been trolling the forums under an assumed name.
I have a confession, too. I've been ICQing all the trolls pretending to be a very amorous attitudechicka.
See, it's funny you say that, because when I was logged in as ComicBoy, she totally hit on me and told me all about her..
Dude! That was me! But don't worry, I'll never tell the others about that Leather Clown fantasy of yours.

 

by lara7
12-19-01
I am the mad rappist! Are you afreed of me!
No pleese mad rappist dont do that.
o/ oh, I'm the mad rappist and I'm makin' all the bucks, All da ladies in the hizz-ous say "Wirthling sucks". o/
That was terible!
you didnt like the way i am rapping?
no. i am dieing!!

 

by lara7
12-21-01
So what's this biscuit game you guys keep talking about?

 

by lara7
12-21-01
How does Andy have your ma?
I give up, how -does- Andy have your ma?
Not with a bang, but a whimper!
Ha!

 

by lara7
12-25-01
So what now? Santa's laid me off for 9 months, and I have no real skills other than wrapping presents.
Check the classifieds. Santa put an ad in there to sell me to a Sno Cone franchise.
Later, at the job interview:
damit i said im hirring a rappist! you knoe liek rapping poeple!
Oh. My mistake.
ah! I am dieing!

 

by lara7
12-25-01
So, do you smoke after sex?
I hate you.

 

by lara7
12-29-01
So, can I offer you a drink?
No, let's just go straight to bed.
Really? That's great! Wait, what are you doing....
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
yes you fuckin bitch of a hoar!! its unconsenshial sex time! I will be sexaly satasfyed!

 

by lara7
1-20-02
(Pretend these are Bunner and Lemur)
When meeting in the Cleveland town
Watch the drinks that you throw down
Or find yourself in Bunner's bed
And we'll imply that you got head
Did Bunner shave?

 

by lara7
2-01-02
I'm Ellen Degeneres, speaking on behalf of the homosexual lobby.
And I'm Fred Jacobs, of NAMBFLA, the North American Man-Boy-Feline Love Association
Since we can't reproduce, we're recruiting your children.
Won't you please advise your children and pets to get in my white station wagon when I visit your neighborhood?
The decline of Western morality starts with you! Please talk to your children today about this exciting opportunity.
Offer void in Utah and on US military bases {wink}.

 

by lara7
2-02-02
Introducing our newest operating System- Microsoft Windows XPLSD.
How has Windows XPLSD helped your business, sir?
Our productivity has increased 92%, thanks to Microsoft's innovative "Office Insistent".
Office Insistent? How does that work?
By dosing you with 50 micrograms of a powerful hallucinogen and insisting that if you're working hard enough, you'll avoid seeing the....oh, shit!

 

by lara7
2-09-02
One February 14th, 9pm
I can't believe you forgot! What kind of boyfriend are you?
Aw, honey, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday sham. We don't need a corporation telling us when to say "I love you", do we?
You're just being cheap! Erica got candy AND a dozen roses from her boyfriend!
But honey! I do have something romantic for you, even if I didn't get you flowers! Wait right here.
Moments later...
Greetings. Your boyfriend has sent me to serenade you. First, I will read you a love sonnet...
That idiot! When I hinted that I wanted Cupid to visit me, this was not the bald and shirtless cherub I had in mind!

 

by lara7
3-05-02
Welcome to Survivor Season 4: Bradland. Let's meet our contestants:
My name is Jael. I'm a bartender from Texas. My luxury item is a hairbrush.
The kids call me Dr. P. I'm a bartender from Cambridge, MA. My luxury item is this slide rule.
I'm the guy who everyone thinks is gay but isn't. My luxury item is porn.
I'm the guy who really is gay. I'm a bartender from Reno, NV. My item is chapstick for all the ass-kissing I'll be doing in the next 39 days.
My name is...wait a minute- I refuse to play an American. Screw you, CBS!
My name is Boo. I'm not a bartender, though you'd never know it from my drinking habits. My luxury item is a pair of pants..oh. Whoops.

 

by lara7
3-05-02
I AM YOUR HOST JEFF PROBE-ST. IT IS TIME FOR YOUR REWARD CHALLENGE.
I will win because I'm the only tribe member with nice tits.
Not so fast, sister! I can OutTit and OutLast you any day!
Pardon me, but it's "OutWit", not "OutTit". Get it right!
damn...
damn....

 

by lara7
3-05-02
YOUR CHALLENGE IS TO EAT NATIVE DISHES. HERE IS THE MENU:
Christ, I'm drunk! Where am I? Judging by dinner, I'm guessing Korea.

 

by lara7
3-05-02
soon after...
THE WINNER OF REWARD CHALLENGE IS BOO.
Cool! Okay Jeff, what do I win for my reward?
ONE NIGHT OF PASSION WITH ME, YOUR HOST.
Damn. I guess I must be in Thailand and not Korea like I thought.
Lucky! I could have won, if my gag reflex hadn't interfered!
Same here. Ironic, isn't it?

 

by lara7
3-14-02
Everytime you masturbate...
God kills a whale.
oh...........yes!
Don't Kill the Whale.
Don't look at me- that's not my caviar.

 

by lara7
3-18-02
Hi honey! I'm home! Give me a kiss!
Oh Tobor! You know I'm a lesbian.
Oh.
Uh, then why did we get married?

 

by lara7
3-26-02
Hey, everyone! I traced the IP address, and I now know who fuck is. His real identity is.....
You? I can't believe it!
We're gonna fuckin' kill you.
Exterminate!
Ah! I am dieing!!

 

by lara7
3-28-02
Heather is a girl like any other. She likes to read and jump rope and loves NSync.
I'm gonna marry Lance Bass!
I love Joey Fatone! He's sooo dreamy.
But Heather's family is a little different from yours and mine.
Guess what, honey! We're forming a soccer league with the library employees.
We'll be called "the Dewey Decimators"
Heather has two Kaufmans.
Please kill me. Now.

 

by lara7
4-07-02
Due to budget cuts at MGM,
..and then my army of Gabe Billings clones will infiltrate the world governments...
James Bond will now be played
...leading to the total collapse of Western society as we know it.
....by Captain monosyllabic.
Well, Mr. Bond, what do you think of my plan for world domination?
Sucks!

 

by lara7
4-17-02
Aboard the Death Star...
Great. I'm going to die in a trash compactor.
It's funny; you'd think only one wall would move towards a stationary wall, rather than having both walls move together.
What?
And where does that creature go while the trash is being compacted? And why compact trash if you're just going to jettison it into space?
CUT!!
Carrie, stick to the script.
Okay, fine. But don't blame me when whole fanzine articles are written about the problem of Imperial Garbage Disposal.

 

by lara7
4-18-02
Welcome to Dave and Buster's. What can I get for you?
I'll have the Reuben. Or any guy named Reuben that works here.
(note: evil-d will be played by Big Evil Dan)
I've have Barbeque Beef on a Pun..er, bun.
I'll have a gardenburger.
I'll have the Maryland Crabs.
I'll have a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich and a pair of dark sunglasses.

 

by lara7
4-22-02
Cock.
Fuck.
Butt.

 

by lara7
4-22-02
horny.
ballin'.
sucks.

 

by lara7
4-26-02
That's why I urge congress to declare war on whores! Remember, the best part of any war is the wanton rape!
You stay away from our wontons, you son of a bitch.

 

by lara7
5-02-02
Society started to go to hell when it became acceptable to wear athletic shoes as every day attire.
What? I've caused societal decay by wearing trainers instead of loafers to work?
Yes. Theres' a fashion progression that starts with men eschewing hats and results in mullets, bare midriffs, and sweatpants at the grocery store.
Oh, come on! Relaxing rigid dress standards means more freedom of choice in other aspects of life as well, and that's always a good thing.
Yeah, you tell her!
I choose you, Pants-Eschew.

 

by lara7
5-03-02
Stout!
Pilsner!
Stout!
Ale!
Stout!
Fuck you.

 

by lara7
5-29-02
I have a date!
I have a date!
I have a date!
And? I've got a couple dozen right here and you don't see me being all sissy about it.

 

by lara7
5-30-02
Hey there Dirty Lou...
What's a Jack Ass doing here in Afghanistan?
I met some hot young Female Jack Ass on the internet last night, she wanted me to meet her in a cave over here... She said she could make me feel things I never felt before...
Wow, you sure are lucky... Wish I could meet women on the internet... How do you know she's hot, did she send you a picture?
Yes. I have a really good feeling about her. Her name is Gabe.
Not again!

 

by lara7
6-02-02
well, i'm not sure how to tell you this...but, i have to send you to HELL
days passed
more days pass...
What are you still doing here? Why are you looking at me like that?
We'll see who's in hell once I lay my eggs in that gaping wound in your side.

 

by lara7
6-02-02
Hey its bill
im god u motherfuka burn
owowowow
im making you do that mother fuka die
im dying
CUT!! The line is "ah! i am dieing!". Christ, didn't anyone read the damn script?

 

by lara7
6-03-02
I'd like to speak with the head librarian, please.
One moment, I'll get him.
Him? Wow, how times have changed.
You wanted to see me?

 

by lara7
6-07-02
Did you hear the great news? My ex-landlord returned all $500 of my damage deposit.
That is great news! Speaking of, Gabe and I are celebrating our 6 month anniversary tonight.
Huh? What does that have to do with my landlord?
Well, you mentioned large deposits, so....
Okay, then. I'm glad you two are so happy together.
Thank you!

 

by lara7
6-09-02
The scene: a college cafeteria. Lunchtime.
Man, today's menu blew. "Hot Dogs around the world?" Dude!
Dude, I'm trying to think of how to say it. ...this was the worst lunch yet, man.
You rang?
Look! It's This-was-the-worst-lunch-yet Man!
My Hero!

 

by lara7
6-15-02
Visiting dad on Sunday, March 6:
Honey, did I ever tell you my favorite joke? See, this guy gets a job doing man on the street interviews...
Oh no, not again...
Visiting dad on Sunday, March 13:
...then the guy says, "Ar, go fuck yourself!" Haha! Isn't that a great joke?
Yes, dad, that's pretty funny.
Visiting dad on Sunday, March 20:
Would you like to hear a joke? See, this guy gets a job doing man on the street interviews...
Sisyphus has nothing on me.

 

by lara7
6-18-02
You have contracted a flesh-eating virus on your penis. If we don't amputate it, you will die in 72 hours.
What if we do amputate?
Oh, then you'll live at -least- 96 hours, possibly up to160!
That's all? What kind of life is that?
Well, at least then you'd have a few more days to spend with your wife.
I hate you, Doctor Benway.

 

by lara7
6-18-02
So, what should I do? Die on my feet, or live a few extra hours on my knees?
Are you coming on to me?

 

by lara7
6-18-02
After seeking counsel from his friend, Bongo returns home.
sigh. Andy was no help. I still don't know what to do.
after the explanation...
Well, honey, I'll support whatever you choose to do.
Really? I was thinking I'd go out with a bang by calling in some whores...
That's not exactly what I meant, honey.

 

by lara7
6-19-02
The next day, 3pm:
Are you up for a party?
Sure....$50.
8pm:
Up for a party?
eh, I guess I'll do it for $75.
3am:
Up for a party?
A party? Will there be clowns and games and cake?

 

by lara7
6-19-02
The day after...
Where have you been? I've been worried sick! What did you decide to do about the operation?
Well, funny thing...
I don't have to worry about it.
What are you talking about?
Uh, after yesterday, it kinda...fell off by itself.

 

by lara7
7-09-02
I saw Black Flag back when Rollins had long hair.
The White Stripes? Oh please, I've been over them since September!
I like lounge music both ironically and non-ironically. I collect 8-tracks.
Silver is the new black. Also, MAC lipsticks are out.
Well, how'd I do?
I'm sorry if you misunderstood, lara7, but we're actually casting for the part of -Asian- hipster.

 

by lara7
7-11-02
At David Copperfield's live studio audience:
I don't see how he's going to make the ocean disappear.
Well, he did it with the Statue of Liberty. Just wait and watch.
Whoa!
Argh! I can't breathe!
That scared the crap out of me.
Agreed. Magic sucks.

 

by lara7
7-14-02
I'm feeling down. The guy I like won't return my calls, I hate my job, and it feels like nothing matters anymore.
Why don't you try swimming around in your own excrement? I do it all the time, and I'm never sad. Then again, my brain's the size of a pea.
Boorite, you used to work in mental health- what should I do?
I find getting mind-numbingly drunk helps. If that doesn't work for you, you might try seeing a midget Chinese therapist.
Three months later:
Wow, I feel great! What's the secret to your success as a therapist?
Little. Yellow. Different.

 

by lara7
7-31-02
Let me rub your hairy pussy.
I could sure bury my bone about now.
Give me head! I mean, Suck! Aw, crap.

 

by lara7
8-13-02
Are you fucking kidding me? 10001101 was the greatest metal vocalist ever!
No way! 11011011 laid the groundwork for hacks like 10001101!
Besides, 10001101 de-fragged his rival 10111 and then replaced his head with a Timex Sinclair! Now that's evil!
We'll never agree on this. We should just ask the groupies to settle it once and for all.
10 minutes later
...So, what's your opinion?
I don't measure "best" by quality of the vocals, but the size of a guy's processor. So I'd have to say 111001 beats them both.

 

by lara7
8-16-02
ARRR! I will swipe yer code for me own and burn it to CD-RRRRR!
Stripcreator.com is reasonably secure. I'm not afraid of your lame Haxx0r threats.
ARR!! Have you no idea who ye be speaking to?
Actually, no. Who are you, again?
I am RedHatBeard, King of the Software Pyrates!
Oh my! We give up! Just stay away from my Open Source!

 

by lara7
8-24-02
I feel awful, Doctor. There are shivers down my spine, Body's aching all the time.
Hmmm...in addition to these flu-like symptoms,do you also have extreme pain in your genital area?
Well, now that you mention it, yes.
You have Herpes. You should never have unprotected sex again, unless your partner already has herpes as well.
Speaking of which, are you free for dinner in about a weeek and a half?

 

by lara7
8-27-02
Doctor, just naled a bich, put my cokk up to her hed, puled my trigar, now she is dieing!!
What the hell kind of song is that?!?
It's called Bohemean Rapp-sody.
help! poleece!

 

by lara7
9-08-02
Scene: the mid 70's. lara7 encounters the first of many disappointments in life.
Honey, you can't go into first grade this year. You aren't old enough.
Let me get this straight. I can read, but they won't let me into elementary school?
Yes, they say you missed the cutoff.
So since I was born in March rather than December, I'm supposed to lay idle for a year?
That's the public school system for you.
I hate the government.

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