All comics by lara7

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by lara7
9-25-01
New 'War Vote' Virus Deletes Computer Files
hmmmm....
The virus, deletes the Windows directory files, tries to download a``backdoor'' on the computer.
uh-oh
"A ``backdoor'' would enable someone to get remote access to the computer
RAAR!! OUTLOOK WILL CORNHOLE ME!!!

 

by lara7
9-26-01
I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Give you twenty bucks.
Twenty bucks? What for?
The House of Bondage. I want in.
I'm not really The Lord.
That's okay. I don't really have twenty bucks.

 

by lara7
9-28-01
One day at an all ages show/dive bar/ basement party in 1981-1991:
Being in Black Flag/ The Replacements/ Fugazi/ Mudhoney is a rough life. Touring 6 months a year, sleeping in the van, getting hassled by the cops...
Sometimes I wonder why the hell I do this. And then I remember what it's all about. The DIY aesthetic. The music. The kids.
Wooo! Play 'Freebird'!
In 2-6 years I will be an alcoholic/ a session musician/ married and living in the suburbs/ a junkie/ in law school/ dead.

 

by lara7
9-28-01
oNE day WHEN i JOINED STREPKREATOR...
WE ARE THE ASS FUCK tWINS
wE LIKE TO GET FUCKED IN THE ASS!!111!
nEWBEE ARTIST WILL NOT KNOW WHAT i SAY HERE!!
wHAT YOU SAY?
i CAN SEE YOUR HOUSE FROM HERE
fOR gREET jUSTICE!

 

by lara7
9-29-01
HAIL STAN!!!!
Close enough...

 

by lara7
9-29-01
Did I ever tell you about the time I was hospitalized?
No. What happened?
I was being young, vain, and stupid. I was trying to lose weight, so I stopped eating.
That's not very smart...
Tell me about it! For three days, all I had was Diet Cock.
Yeah, your body goes into shock when you suddenly deprive it like that.

 

by lara7
9-29-01
For my psychology class, I've been studying the treatment of sexual addiction.
I didn't know sexual addiction could be treated.
Well, there have been a couple of therapies that seem to reduce relapse rates.
Really?
Yes, the resluts have been very encouraging.
Well, that's certainly good to hear.

 

by lara7
9-30-01
I'm sorta worried about my dorm situation.
What if i don't get along with my roommate? What if he's a nerd? Or a fundamentalist Christian?
Are you Tobor? I'm your new roomie, Don Que.
YES!! THANK YOU, MANRAPE GODS!!!

 

by lara7
9-30-01
All your acid
are belong to us

 

by lara7
10-01-01
They say this show's really gone downhill since I got pregnant and Mulder left. And that guy from Terminator 2? No one in the focus group likes him.
Monitoring your news media leads me to assert that this is true.
Rumor has it that they've got a bizarre explanation for my pregnancy that will effect the next season's plot.
How so?
Honey? I'm home! Time to take more hot pictures for our website...

 

by lara7
10-02-01
Freshman History Class, week 2
Who can tell me what happened to the British monarchy in the 1640's? Yes, Tobor?
RAAAR! ROUNDHEADS WILL CROMWELL YOU!
Uh, close enough. And by what right did Cromwell dissolve the Parliament?
RAAR! MANDATE!! DIVINE MANDATE!
Apple polishing brainiac...
Teacher's pet...

 

by lara7
10-02-01
Republic of StripCreator
.
4 Appropriations

 

by lara7
10-03-01
Kira's got the ten and a half...

 

by lara7
10-03-01
I'm looking for this book on the New York Times Bestseller list. Where is it?
There are no copies in the library right now.
Really?
Even though we have 300 copies in the library system, they're all checked out. It's an extremely popular book.
Really?
I know....I share your consternation that something with the sobriquet "Bestseller" would be so popular...

 

by lara7
10-04-01
God damn it!
I could kill you right now!
Those fucking idiots!
Everything pisses me off.
I hate you all.
I can't contain my rage.

 

by lara7
10-11-01
11:30am
Wow, the Moist Towlette Online Museum!
4:30pm
I'd do Oprah. As long as she didn't make me read any of those depressing books.
10 pm
Man, it's good to be home. Work sucked today. I hate second shift. Think I'll go soak in the tub. Wanna join me?
A bath? I can't believe you'd suggest wasting my time with such frivolity.

 

by lara7
10-14-01
Anthrax is an infectious, often fatal, disease associated with animal contact (mostly farm animals).
Human infection, though rare, is an occupational disease of farm workers, veterinarians, and tannery and wool workers.
And animal husbandry enthusiasts.

 

by lara7
10-16-01
Guess what honey? I'm pregnant!
You mean..I'm gonna be a father? Whoa!
So, I've been thinking about baby names.
Names? Uh-oh....
For the girls, Aaliyah, Aariel, Abaigeal, Abana, Abayomi, Abby, Abebi, Abegaila, Abeje, Abelia, Abilene, Abimbola, Abiona, Abrial, Acacia, Acantha, Acenith, Achala.......
.....

 

by lara7
10-16-01
Press Conference
We have a new weapon to deploy to Afghanistan to hunt out terrorist leaders and bring them to justice.
I'd like to announce the newest weapon in Operation Enduring Cornhole.
RAAR! OSAMA BEND OVER!

 

by lara7
10-28-01
September 11, 2001 - Afternoon
The good news is, you were right about the servile nature of virgins in the afterlife.
The bad news is, we have a different way of defining "virgin" down here....
RAAR!

 

by lara7
10-30-01
3:45 am.
My name is Tony Robbins. You may not know me, but give me 72 hours, and I will change the quality of your life by 300%!
hmm, what else is on?
3:49 am.
...and if you call now, you'll receive a bonus item for your collection: a genuine piece of navel lint!
Oooh! I could have some fun with that!
3:55 am.
Wait; you did say "naval", right?

 

by lara7
11-01-01
Stay away from my cocaine, you mother fuckers!

 

by lara7
11-04-01
The 861st Annual Miss Universe Pagent, Talent Competition
I will now recite Pi to 10,000 decimal places: 3. 14159 26535 89793 23846 26433...
Next!
I will now do a dramatic reading featuring every other prime number: 2, 5, 11, 17, 23, 31, 41, 47, 59, 67....
Next!
My Standup Comedy subroutine, which is based entirely on String Variables, ....
Dammit! I knew that opening the pagent to the artifically intelligent was a bad idea...

 

by lara7
11-06-01
I am a Bose-Einstein condensed atom.
You mean an EVIL Einstein Condensed Atom?
??
For someone named Einstein, your grasp of German is appalling.

 

by lara7
11-10-01
Everything has gone to shit today. First, Fat Tony accuses me of screwing his wife.
Keep your enemies close, but the doctor closer.
And the irony is, I actually wasn't. First Mad Sal tortured me, and then he killed my family and pets in front of me.
If you can't take the train, stay out of the kitchen.
As a final indignity, he left Misremembered Platitude Trout alive to keep me company.
Loose lips sink Gabe's carpet.

 

by lara7
11-11-01
Probably livejournal.com
Elaborate list of sexual turn ons. Blow by blow account of weekend activities.
Page long essay on the relative merits of the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync.
Probably stripcreator.com
Esoteric jokes about Physics. Obvious jokes about donkey sodomy.
Poking fun at newbies. Terrible puns. Pictures in need of captions or photoshopping.
Unfortunately, could be either.
I know you all hate me because I'm dumb but here's a link to some pictures why not tell me how ugly I am and I'm 15 and no one understands me and my dad hates me and I.....
Not again....

 

by lara7
11-12-01
It's right there.

 

by lara7
11-13-01
Mr. Cheney, what's this thing on your desk labelled "Pocket Projector" used for?
Well, George, you remember that scene near the end of "The Wizard of Oz" where the Wizard....uh, whoops. Hey! Let's go get you some yummy ice cream!
Soon after...
A draft notice? But... I'm afraid of war!
Yeah, I got mine yesterday. I'm fleeing to the breakaway Republic of Absolutistan. It's really cold there, but new citizens get all the vodka they can drink.
Hmmm. Any other way you can think of to get out of it that doesn't involve moving?
Well, remember what Gabe did in front of the draft board during the Gulf War?

 

by lara7
11-16-01
Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry.
Gimme some sugar, baby!
WAAH! Sexual Harrassment! I'm gonna tell on you!
When the boys came out to play,
Are you the son of a bitch that's been kissing my sister? I'm gonna kick your ass!
Oh yeah? You and what army?
Georgie Porgie ran away.
RAAR!

 

by lara7
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
Then she chased David Crosby around the room with a turkey baster.

 

by lara7
11-26-01
(sigh) I can't believe mom didn't cover this in the sex ed talk. You see, just because guys call it a "cherry" doesn't mean that...
Duh! I know -that-! I am 14, after all. And it's not like I'm still a virgin, anyway.
(sob!) My innocent little sister? It can't be.....
Wait! ha ha! You thought I meant "cherry-scented" because...ha ha ha !
No, actually, the smell is from Cherry Flavored Anal Ease. I stole it from under mom's bed when Gary and I started bare-backing.
Maybe this is the year they tell me I'm adopted.

 

by lara7
11-26-01
So, Mr. Rush Chairman, why should I consider Kappa Kappa Phi?
Well, first off, there's the parties. The sorority chicks are super hot, and there's so much booze that you could talk to God on the porcelain telephone every weekend.
I'm not really much of a drinker, and besides, doesn't that much partying impact your classwork?
Hell no! We have a library of term papers on everything from "Comets and the Mass Extinction of the Dinosaurs" to "The Effect of the Femidom on Gender Bias." What's your major, anyway?
Biology, with a specialization in Cornhology.
Hmm. Seems like every guy I've met studying that ends up pledging Alpha Rho Sigma. Kinda quiet guys, but they've got a great intramural wrestling team.

 

by lara7
11-26-01
I've severed and eaten the arm of a partner during a scene.
Princess and I don't believe in monogamy.
This isn't beer I'm drinking.
Uh...I fooled around with a guy in college once.
Newbies again?
You got it.

 

by lara7
11-27-01
Do you have any new anal toys here?
How about this one?
Have it. Anything else?
Oooh. Flared base. I'll take two.

 

by lara7
11-29-01
Hi! It looks like you're making a comic. Would you like some help?
Uh, I guess so.
How was that?
I hate you.

 

by lara7
11-30-01
I drew your name in the office gift exchange. I hope you like what I got you.
Why thank you! You're so sweet!
Uh, I got you this.....
Secret SANTA, you idiot!

 

by lara7
11-30-01
Moo moo moo, "Moo, moo moomoo moomoo moo moomoo moomoomoo moomoomoo moo moomoo!"
Moo, moo!
Moo moo moo moo moo moomoo moomoo?

 

by lara7
12-03-01
I was there the day that Christ was born. I heard Gabriel blow his happy horn.
It looks like you're having a baby! Yay!
Three men came to the manger. They whispered, "Howdy stranger."
Howdy stranger.
I brought you some frankincense.
And I could tell right then the child's life would be in danger.
Nobody told the dad, huh?
Nope. He'll find out soon enough.

 

by lara7
12-03-01
I heard him talking on the hill top high. And I remember thinking," What a guy."
Love your neighbor as yourself.
hmmm..That's not a bad idea!
He didn't look too tough but, He said some real cool stuff.
You shouldn't throw rocks at that lady, unless you're without sin.
Hey! You're right!
And he quit talking after everyone had heard enough.
So that's the Sermon on the Mount. Any questions?
Wow, that was shorter and more inspiring than Ralph Nader's Sermon on Campaign Finance!

 

by lara7
12-03-01
And I was there the night he had his trial. I took a seat because it took a while.
The prosecution will prove that not only is the defendant a royal pain in the ass, he's been unlawfully harassing the money-changing industry.
oh no! Why'd I get this guy instead of Marcia Clark?
He had no real defense though. It got pretty intense though.
Well Jesus of Nazareth, do you have any statements towards your defense?
One day, people'll thank me for this. Except not you, Judge, you'll be busy frying in Hell.
And everyone I knows been talkin' bout it ever since though.
Oh c'mon, it would have been the Trial of the Century! Bigger than the Lindbergh Baby Kidnapping and Fatty Arbuckle!
Have you kangaroo jockeys never heard of OJ? Geez! Or do you not have Court TV down there yet?

 

by lara7
12-03-01
And I was there when he was crucified. I hung around and watched him as he died.
Ouch!
Hmm. I bet there's a more entertaining way to do this. Think I'll invent the Colosseum.
I packed a simple lunch. Just something I could munch on.
You're still up there? I gotta tell you, you're losing market share to "Survivor".
I couldn't hear what he was saying but I had a hunch.
Mblss ywer hoows mrum heer....
What about my house?

 

by lara7
12-03-01
And I was there the night he rose from the dead. He had a light that went around his head.
Thank God that part's over. What next?
Moh??
He drove around all night. And he was quite a sight.
Peter? Thomas? Where are you guys? Let's have some wine..my treat!
And when I talk about this part people get real uptight.
Guys?

 

by lara7
12-03-01
But I was there the night he rolled his truck. And I remember thinking, "What the fuck, man?
He was a real good driver. He was a real survivor.
He had the driving skills Americans should really strive for."
Suspect is a Jewish male in his mid-30s...

 

by lara7
12-03-01
His truck burst into a flaming heap. That's what you get when you buy trucks that cheap.
But all his needs were simple. One time he got a pimple.
He waved his hand and it was gone and it was just that simple.
Oh really! After that loaves and fishes thing, like I can't handle a minor blemish.

 

by lara7
12-03-01
I watched him walk out of the burning pile. He blew the crowd a kiss and flashed his smile.
Ok! Who's ready for waffles?
You should have heard them clapping. He act like nothing happened.
This is that dude the Christians are always going on about?
Yeah, but he's pretty cool nonetheless, don't you think?
And then he sang a song that set everyone's toes a-tappin'.
This next number is the one that Rolling Stone said would make me "More popular than the Beatles"....

 

by lara7
12-04-01
So then I says, those puns about Spankling aren't gonna degenerate themselves!
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by lara7
12-07-01
Yes?
Hi, I'm from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We're just across the street from you. I'd like to talk to you about...
Oh no you don't! I've read all about your so called religion in my Chick tracts. You believe terrible, blasphemous things!
I'm not trying to convert you. I work at the church's day care center, and I wanted to talk to you about your habit of gardening in the nude.
Oh.
Any chance you're willing to do it more often?

 

by lara7
12-09-01
Agent Scully, thanks for agreeing to help me even though you aren't really on the show anymore. What kind of creature might secrete this substance?
Agent Doggett, this is obviously from a leech or a fluke, such as the one Mulder and I battled in Season 2 in the episode called "The host".
Uh, what's with the redundant backstory? Don't you think the fans will remember the infamous Flukeman episode?
Yes, but we're trying to attract new viewers. That's why you and me and Agent Reyes will be having a threesome during sweeps week.
And how would that fit the theme of the show?
She's going to use telekinesis to remove your pajamas. I think the writers have been sneaking looks at the Usenet fan fiction again.

 

by lara7
12-12-01
I DO NOT SMELL LIKE STALE PEE!!!
I wasn't saying that you did. But your birthday present sure does.
Birthday? You actually remembered?
Of course. Hold on and I'll bring him to you.
him? why'd he say...oh.
Ready to unwrap me? Purrrrrr!

 

by lara7
12-13-01
One day at the mall....
Excuse me, Miss? Do you work here?
Yeah. What do you want?
I'm looking to make my wardrobe more interesting. I want some clothes that aren't so, ya know, typical. Something hip.
I don't think this is the right store for a guy like you. You'd do better at "Mr. Blah", or perhaps "Non -threatening Male".
Really? I look that clueless about fashion to you?
People who shop here are "Carpe Diem" types. You "Carpe Tedium" types should stick with dockers and polo shirts.

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