All comics by themushroom

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by themushroom, 9-21-07

 

by themushroom
9-21-07
TGG had some vacation time accrued and figured a night at a beach hotel would be refreshing. As always, she was on her own for this trip.
sand. water. gull. more sand. shell. boat. lotsa sand.
She considered the many things she could do beside here, and she was determined not to spend the night watching TV in her hotel room.
sandcastle? nah. long walk on the beach? alone?? tanning? yeah right. go swimming? no.
She'll be back at surf's edge with a lawn chair and a vibrator to watch the tide come back in after midnight.
...just because I'm not watching TV all night doesn't mean I can't watch porn until the night...

 

John confronted his plastic surgeon because he was not happy with his brand-new penile implant.
It's backwards.
by themushroom, 9-28-07

 

Sure, Father Frank had the power to take out the missiles, stop the giant cockroaches, and save the Earth -- but he chose not to because it conflicted with his day job, getting souls to Heaven.
by themushroom, 9-30-07

 

Tobor was prepared to give Notam-Otua a fierce reaming, but discovered his flange could not interface with Notam-Otua's portal without significant modification.
It's backwards.
by themushroom, 10-02-07

 

Little Cowboy Tries To Return Home
I could really use a handjob...
by themushroom, 10-04-07

 

by themushroom
10-06-07
Getting your first pelvic exam is a big moment in your life! This should be done when you turn 18 or after the first time you have sexual intercourse.
You have nothing to worry about, Don. Just lay down on the exam table...
Why is Barry White music playing?
Getting exams at your gynocologist regularly will be an important part of your overall health regimen.
...and put your feet in the stirrups. I will use a speculum to see inside you.
Why are there flowers and candy next to the table?
Be aware: There are only oral and rectal thermometers, and they are seldom greater than 1cm in diameter. Always look for the lines & numbers!
While you're in that position, I've got an 'injection' to give you. *wink*
Why does he keep his tools in that little refrigerator?

 

by themushroom
10-11-07
Once the hit series went off the air, Captain Caveman needed to assimilate into modern society. He began by shaving and put away his Swiss Army Club, and got a real job.
(unga bunga) Me carry you and groceries to car?
Hey, aren't you...? *lubricate*
His has-been celeb status sometimes got him laid, but it still didn't get him into the pants of his former costars, his real goal. He has retired to the LaBrea Tar Pits.
Hullo, Brenda. Nice see you at reunion show. For old time sake, can I show you my club? huh huh! (unga bunga)
Oh, Cavey Wavie... it's still no. Taffy and I have been together since 1978 and we still make each other go "zowie!" Sorry.

 

by themushroom
10-12-07
What would you do if a zombie came up behind you, Attitudechicka?
I think that my acidic personality would blow the undead fucker up.
unghhhh... **ka-BLAM!!**
*aaaack!!*
uh...run?!
(ungh!) so close! right reaction (uhh) wrong person...

 

by themushroom
10-13-07
Tobor, I have something important to tell you.
CAN IT WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE CORNHOLING?
I'm your father.
Sort of a shock, I realize... you've been assraping your own dad.
ALL IN A DAY'S WORK. NOW BACK TO THE CORNHOLING!

 

by themushroom
10-21-07
So.. how does it look like.
Two rosebud-tipped scoops of vanilla ice cream, shrink-wrapped in granny-apple green cellophane?

 

by themushroom
10-21-07
So.. how does it look like.
It looks like I'm gonna bust a nut right here just because you asked me to look at you.

 

by themushroom
10-21-07
So.. how does it look like.
Great up to the neck. Everything above that can be solved with a black plastic bag. You start undressing, I'll get the bag...

 

by themushroom
10-21-07
It's good to hear that you've come out of the closet, or wardrobe, or whatever you wizards own. We finally see eye-to-eye on at least one thing.
Wait, I may be gay, but it's not like I've stuck my wand in a young boy's mouth.
thanks to: /Intoxicatious/409539/
I'm glad to hear that. That form of magic happens to be my job.

 

by themushroom
10-24-07
What does it look like?
hmmm...

 

by themushroom
10-24-07
What does it look like?
That clump of owl shit in your hair looks like a tightly-packed dead mouse... which of course it is.

 

by themushroom
10-24-07
What does it look like?
Torrential rain?

 

by themushroom
10-24-07
What does it look like?
It looks like one of those Penthouse Letters stories is about to happen to me... uh, but I don't recall them ever starting out with "you will never guess what my sister and I did..."

 

by themushroom
10-28-07
While there are many things that will fit inside of you, and some may even feel good, there are some things you should never put into your vagina for health and safety reasons.
I once got a bladder infection and a bad case of yeast for not following these directions!
Never put the entire body of another life form in your vagina! Only the penis should be used. Do not put office supplies in there either; you don't know where they've been!
And under no circumstance should you put any part of a cowboy in any orifice, ever.

 

by themushroom
10-29-07
Ode to Elmer Fudd Karaoke by kane2742
If wuvvin you is Wong, I don't wanna be white...
And everybody knows...
Two Wongs don't make a white.

 

a combined tribute, sorta, to Attitudechicka and christopher7murphy
Do you have Dorothy Kunhardt's "Pat The Bunny"?
Don't make me cut you, fucker.
by themushroom, 10-31-07

 

by themushroom
11-02-07
TGG always let her mind wander toward things she would not normally allow herself to think about when she had 'down time'. She couldn't help it.
an icepick. a bottle brush. a popcicle stick. both hands at the same time. a display gel dong at Castle Superstore.
The walk to and from work was prime thought time, but it most often struck her while she was sitting on the toilet.
a trumpet mouthpiece. 48 candy canes. a friend's toothbrush. my driver's license before I handed it to the cop.
She learned how to change unwanted mental slack into a hall of fame.
every ingredient that went into a stir fry for 2 guests... hmm, only thing missing from the "things that have been in my twat" list is a penis.

 

by themushroom
11-03-07
TGG had sort of a schedule of things she would occupy her mind with while she did her job, as a coping mechanism to fight the boredom of greeting/"shrinkage control".
I wonder if anyone has spontaneously came in their pants from just talking to me in person.
She would ponder human foibles one day, the meaning of happiness the next, mortality and morality the next, karmic balance of the universe the next day...
I wonder if anyone has masturbated while looking at me while I dozed off on a long bus ride.
This was her Thursday. Tomorrow would be guessing what customers' deepest secrets and most intimate details were.
...and maybe the people who did that were the ones whom I've done that about? that would only be fair...

 

by themushroom
11-04-07
Guess what, Mommy? I just invented PUSSY-FLAVORED MOUTHWASH!
OH, MY GOD!!!!!!
No cats were harmed in the making of this product. It just tastes like a soft cute kitty.
Oh... Okay. *sigh* Hopefully it doesn't leave fur in your mouth or contain cat-spit. *haha!*
My next project will be a MINTY-FRESH DOUCHE!
OH, MY GOD!!!!!! THAT IS SO-- uh, actually... Please hurry with that one!

 

by themushroom
11-07-07
Father Skippy Peanutbutter is filling in for Father Rod Upthebum this week.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have consented to an act of sodomy.
hmm... what's the proper penance?
psst... Altarboy? What does Father Rod usually give for sodomy?
(beating dontscotty to the punch... he was told this joke at Boy Scout camp)
!!!
A Dr. Pepper and a Snickers Bar!

 

by themushroom
11-12-07
Hey Melvin, do you ever wonder what Death's steely touch feels like?
I will never forget that handjob.

 

by themushroom
11-13-07
"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."
*trumpet*
http://ap.google.com/article/ ALeqM5jz5-rV8c2xj6rJTVpB3tPPmWScJQD8SSTJ800
I can't make this shit up.

 

by themushroom
11-15-07
"Santas working in shopping centres across Australia have been banned from bellowing ho ho ho because it might frighten children."
Ho Ho Ho!
Or there could be another reason .......................................... [http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071115/ wl_asia_afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoff beat;_ylt=Ak8aj4sEWzrWE74yeJXSnX3]

 

Casting call for 'North Pole Idol'
Next!
by themushroom, 11-15-07

 

Another real-life actual statement:
I will only mess around with you if you're married. Married men are "safe" because they don't ask for commitment.
by themushroom, 11-15-07

 

(after I had my all-expense-paid weekend at a Rio S&M Palace)
You're da man, Abe! Thank you, Boloboffin... just what I always wanted! *salivate*
by themushroom, 11-16-07

 

by themushroom
11-16-07
I acknowledge your existance.

 

by themushroom
11-16-07
original: /weird4/412846/
Who are you?
I'm, uh, your daughter, yeah!
PETER! YOUR FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT HAS ARRIVED!
eeeexcellent!

 

Duff says Grace this Thanksgiving
...and thank you for all the blowjobs my little sister gave me when we were teens, and for how my family doesn't know I've been gay since college...
by themushroom, 11-20-07

 

by themushroom
11-23-07
Black Friday is "Buy Nothing Day"
Zombies! We'll start at Target at 9am, then lumber to Sears at noon.
I'll have to come back later for an Xbox and a plasma television... this mall has some excellent prices!
http://www.adbusters.org/bnd
...walking in a winter wonderland

 

by themushroom
11-23-07
Hello!
Shit! I would have shaken his hand but... neither of us have arms.

 

Well, shit... am I here or not?!
by themushroom, 11-23-07

 

by themushroom
11-25-07
Parallel Universes: Ray-Ray The Ex-Gay
I need your help, Thorn. I'm worried about Melody... I think she's turned to lesbian sin.
I know how you can 'bring her back'...
(not produced or endorsed by Boloboffin)
?
...uh, let me suck you off, that'll teach her a lesson!

 

by themushroom
11-26-07
A message from our mailbag:
"THAT SUCKS DICK YOU SUCK DICK" - love, Messiah McMuffin
That mail was just gay, so to speak. No mention of what "that"was being referred to. The stripper doesn't suck dick, that's Ray-Ray's job here.
Hey, I'm cured! No more dick for me!

 

by themushroom
11-26-07
It was TGG's favorite time of year... Christmas. It wasn't because of the lights, presents, decorations, snow, or the dream of global peace and harmony.
there's one reindeer mounting another for coitus in the toy section.
It wasn't even because of the wonderment in the children's eyes. Working retail during the holidays frankly sucks, and every year she was alone and ignored in the gifting.
how fucking original. did they notice the one on top is a doe? no.
The reason why she likes Christmas is because of all the overtime she works while everyone else takes time off or calls in sick. Other people's sloth is her source of holiday cheer.
now, me mounted on that tree there for coitus... that'd be quite festive!

 

by themushroom
12-04-07
Welcome to Pizza Slut! Will this be dine-in or carryout?
I got a pizza delivered and there were only seven slices in the box!
According to our computer, you're a lousy tipper. Looks like the driver extracted a gratuity from your sorry cheap ass!

 

by themushroom
12-04-07
Welcome to Pizza Slut! Will this be dine-in or carryout?
Delivery.
And I'll tack on a $1 delivery charge for handing it to her over the counter!
Do you have any $3-off coupons?

 

by themushroom
12-04-07
Okay, that's a medium hand- tossed cheese pizza and a cola.
And a caesar salad, please.
I'm sorry, but this store only does delivery and carry- out, so we don't have salads.
The supermarket is three blocks away, so just have a driver pick up the parts, then you can make my salad.
One pan pizza dish of scrapings from under the oven... coming right up!
What hours are your all you can eat pizza buffet?

 

by themushroom
12-19-07
I NEED PUSSY!!
OH FUCK, I NEED PUSSY!!
comics/UnknownEric/416448/
Am I late? I heard someone wanted me.

 

And what's your New Year's resolution for 2008?
To stop nailing your wife... she's waaay too needy.
by themushroom, 1-01-08

 

by themushroom
1-01-08
Hey, Thrak. How was your New Years party?
Not bad, mate, could have been better. Everyone I invited came, sure.
But I was still hungry after I'd eaten them all.
My genitals are tingling.

 

by themushroom
1-07-08
Hellooooo! Anyone here?
Hmmm...that's odd. I guess there's only one thing for me to do.
thanks to /weird4/417921/
Ehh, any port in a storm.

 

by themushroom
1-23-08
At some point around age 12 (give or take a couple years) your breasts will begin to grow. You must be aware: People will notice. All sorts of people.
You're staring again, Bob.
*shit* Sorry!
Adult females will either comment patronisingly that you are "growing up" or sternly advise you that you should start wearing a bra.
You're staring again, Bob.
*shit* Sorry!
Males of all ages won't say a word because they don't want you to know they noticed -- as if the inability to maintain eye contact wasn't a 'tell'.
You're staring again, Bob.
*shit* Sorry!

 

by themushroom
1-23-08
Another thing to know about your breasts: There are positives and negatives to their size. Big ones may have a positive effect on the psyche but they are heavy and can hurt.
So the Saints are going to play... Hey!
*drool*
Small ones may make one feel less feminine but they require less care and are easier to buy clothing for. Medium ones balance both worlds.
Fuller Brushes now offers... Hey!
*drool*
But it's a myth that most men care about size, appearance, or even how they are dressed. You could have mosquito bites under a parka and get the same stares as a DD in a bikini.
I haven't eaten in like three... Hey!
*drool*

 

by themushroom
1-23-08
Women ponder just how much découlage they should show in public. The answer varies by the woman's age, bust size, and taste in clothes.
AA - nothing to see!
A - have boobs but not much cleavage.
Be aware that not everyone makes a wise choices, like D-cup grandmothers in halter tops or obese braless women in too-small stained shirts. These looks should be avoided at all costs.
B - whee, I've got visible cleavage!
C - obvious cleavage here.
Women under 25 with AA- to B-cup busts wearing scoop necks in push-up bras or no bras at all who drop pocket change constantly, this seems to be the most appealing look around.
D - unavoidable cleavage!
F - no one ever sees my face...

Showing page 2.

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