All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
3-17-05
So how come you didn't volunteer to work overtime this past weekend?
Didn't want to.
Man, you're a fucking loser. You never work overtime.
That's because I don't need to, unlike you. You blow your entire paycheck every week on booze and drugs, and then you have to work extra hours to pay the bills.
I don't even know why I talk to you, you lazy prick.
Hey, try not to shoot up on your way to the time clock today.

 

by niteowl
3-18-05
So Schiavo's tube has been removed, and the Republicans want it put back in...
Yep. They sure love brain damaged people.
For further proof of this, look at who they elected for President.

 

by niteowl
3-26-05
Can you believe what happened in Red Lake? Another bunch of people murdered by a crazy bastard from Minnesota. This is really making us look bad.
Our reputation here in Minnesota can't get any worse.
How so?
We elected Jesse Ventura for Governor, remember?

 

by niteowl
3-26-05

 

by niteowl
3-26-05
You're not gonna let me through into the hospice, are you?
Probably not. What do you have there in your hand, by the way?
Some water for Terri. She needs nourishment, she needs to be saved!
I see.
So will you please let me through?
I'm sorry, but no. Mrs. Schiavo has an endorsement deal with Evian, and she is not allowed to touch that cheap ass Aquafina shit you got there.

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
Stop. Hold it right there, cowboy.
Hey man, you gotta let me in. I got some beer for her.
You sick bastard, bringing a dying woman beer.
Dude, it's March Madness! All I gotta do is pop on the TV, she'll wake up and be back to normal in no time!
I also ordered a double pepperoni pizza to be delivered to her room, so if you'll excuse me...

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
Alright, what the hell do you have there?
Easter candy for Terri.
Shouldn't you be at home celebrating Easter instead of bringing her Easter candy?
I can't go home...
I got busted stealing this stuff from my kids' baskets this morning, and they've got a bounty on my head.

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
Got any Peeps?
Of course.
Do you got some pink ones for me?
Yes, sir.
Okay. Go on in.
Thanks!

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
What do you got in the bag?
My entire life savings. 5 grand, to be exact. I'm going to give it to Terri.
She's in a vegetative state, what use would she have for money?
Well, have you ever noticed how people instinctively get a big shit eatin' grin on their face when they've got a wad of cash in their hands? I'm just trying to help bring some joy into her life.
Get the fuck outta here.
What if I told you that it looks like a lot more because every stack is one dollar bills with 2 100's on the outside?

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
Don't tell me you are thinking of bringing that PSP to Terri...
Well, yeah.
You are going to give away a state of the art portable video game system to someone you don't know?
Yep.
You're crazy, you know that?
Listen man, I'm just trying to help out. She's probably bored silly up there in that hospital bed. I mean, it's not like they have cable TV in those rooms.

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
Hey hippie, why are you here? Shouldn't you be protesting the Iraq war or something?
That's next week. Anyways, I'm a professional protester.
Professional protester? You've gotta be joking.
I'm serious. I go around to protests throughout the United States to let my voice be heard. This one's really fucking with my head though...
Why?
The other protesters keep giving me dirty looks. It's quite unnerving, actually.

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
What a bunch of freaks out here today.
Remember, kids...Always eat your vegetables!
Sorry. I'll go now.

 

by niteowl
3-27-05
I imagine you want to give that broom to Terri...May I ask why?
Quite often, witches are depicted riding on brooms. The broom is a metaphor for soaring, flying high, freedom.
I can't let you give that to her. There might be a riot amongest the religious crowd gathered here.
Oh c'mon...please? I went through hell and back to get this thing...
I extracted it from Bill O'Reilly's ass, ok?

 

by niteowl
3-29-05
This comic is filled with sexual innuendo...
The phallic shaped dispenser with liquid coming out of it, the pinchers on the robot which look like they're grabbing for a boob or two, my pearl necklace...
*ahem*
What? You call THAT a trunk? Puhleeze.

 

by niteowl
4-01-05
We just can't be a couple anymore.
Why not?
Because I'm a shark and you're a dolphin. I have this desire to eat people, and you love people. It just ain't gonna work.
We can work through our differences, baby.
You do realize that me being a bloodthirsty killer means I'll probably end up eating you too...
Aww, yeah. I love it when you talk dirty.

 

by niteowl
4-01-05
First, we had the death of a martyr named Terri Schiavo...
...Now the Pope's on his last legs. I think the apocalypse is on its way.
So what are we gonna do when the end comes? Find underground shelter?
Nah. I figured I'd dig out all that plastic and duct tape we bought a couple years back. We'll be fine with just that.
Um, the duct tape's gone. Richard Gere "borrowed" it last night.

 

by niteowl
4-01-05
Listen Satan, it's not me killing off all these celebrities. I'm telling you the truth.
Yeah right.
I'm serious, man.
I just find it more than a coincidence that all these famous people are dying, and now all of a sudden the Pope-
You're just jealous because you know the Pope won't be available in free agency.
You can have the Pope and that chicken guy. I've got Hedberg, Cochran, AND Schiavo's agents on speed dial, motherfucker.

 

by niteowl
4-02-05
I think we're lost. Let's ask for directions.
No, no, we're almost there.
Almost where?
The Schiavo protest.
Shouldn't we have brought protest signs though? All you've got is an axe.
For what I'm planning on doing, all I need is an axe.

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
You know what's great? Make up sex. It's always intense and fun. In fact, I think we should have make up sex tonight.
Ok, but in order to have make up sex, don't you have to get into a huge fight beforehand?
Yep.
Oh shit.

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
!
Hello! Boy, am I glad you're here. I thought I was gonna have to live out the rest of my life alone in this hat.
I won't be here for long though. See that giant human hand above you?
Nothin' up my sleeve...
Look out, rabbit! That hand is coming right for you!
Talk to you later. Second set, to be precise.

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
Oh my God! Like gag me with a pitchfork, your arm is like totally gone! What happened?
Accident. On. Assembly. Line.
Dude, you're totally dripping oil all over the floor. Grody!
Why. Are. You. Conversing. With. Me. In. That. Way.
Like Oh my God, they totally implanted me with a Valley Girl voice box! It's gnarly!
Gnarly. And. Totally. Tubular.

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
Morning wood really sucks sometimes.
Especially when you're the Son of God...
...and instead of it going down after a while, it just keeps rising and rising...

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
Ok, I'm getting a little scared now.
This is odd. I just crashed through an airplane.
Stop the ride, mister!

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
Uh oh, I'm about to crash land on the moon.
Hmm, a 238,856 mile long erection. That's gotta be a record.
That's approximately 382,170 kilometers for all you metric using fuckers out there.

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
It's stopped growing, but how the hell do I get it back down?
I wish I had to pee. Taking a leak always works wonders on the morning wood.
A half hour later...
It's damn cold up here, and it still won't go away.

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
Oh shit, I see a female coming. This is all I fucking need.
She's cute. And of course, we have lift off again.
Help!

 

by niteowl
4-03-05
8:00am
Well, that was a weird dream.
Ok, what in the hell is going on now...
NOOOO! NOT AGAIN!

 

by niteowl
4-07-05
...we are done with Section A, let's move on to section B and...excuse me, where are you going?
I'm going home. It's 4:30, which means my shift is over.
You can't leave yet, we've still got 2 hours' worth of material to cover.
You already covered everything I needed to do my job, so there's no need for me to stick around to listen to the rest of it. Besides, I'm already dozing off.
Fine, leave then. But remember that you haven't signed the training record, and if you don't sign it, you won't be allowed to work on this account.
Wow, not having to work would be a shame.

 

by niteowl
4-07-05
God, why is that-
Not now Susie, I'm busy.
Ok. I bet you're in mourning...the pope and all that.
*mumble mumble*...damn starting pitchers...
Ah, I see. You're in fantasy baseball again this year. That's ok, civilization is crumbling all around us, but no biggie. I'll just come back in late October, when you're not so busy.
You can lose the sarcasm at any time, Susie.

 

by niteowl
4-08-05
God, why do my parents tell me I can't watch movies with blood and violence in 'em?
Because those movies aren't made for children.
Ok, so why do my parents let me watch wrestling then? There's lots of blood and violence in that. Guys whacking each other with fold up chairs and stuff...
Because wrestling is fake, no one really gets hurt. It's all stuntwork.
But aren't movies fake too? It's not like they're really beating the crap out of some guy in a scene-
Do you secretly work for the Washington Post, Susie?

 

by niteowl
4-08-05
Did you hear Spanky the Sperm Whale got busted for using steroids?
No way!
It's true. All of his kills from last year through today are wiped off the record books. You know what means, don't you?
YES! I'M BACK IN FIRST PLACE AGAIN!
So, are we gonna have a party to celebrate this momentous occasion?
Nah. I'm going to celebrate by taking a nice, long vacation. Killing and maiming humans is tiring. Those fuckers really put up a fight.

 

by niteowl
4-10-05
Look at the wang on that fucker!
Is it just me, or does it look like the zookeeper is taking notes?
Honey, quick...get the video camera...honey, what are you doing?
Uh, nothing. *FAP FAP FAP FAP*
I can't wait 'til this comes out on DVD.
Why is that humans never make this kind of fuss when we fornicate in front of them?

 

by niteowl
4-11-05
That's some good shit, man.
Thanks.

 

by niteowl
4-12-05
Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?
Oh my God, I've been waiting for this for 6 months...
THE ICE CREAM MAN IS COMING!

 

by niteowl
4-14-05
I got your email about you going on vacation next week. I don't like it, and I'm going to call your boss and tell him to cancel it.
Go ahead and call my boss, pudknocker. My vacation has already been approved.
You fail to realize just how much power I have around here.
Please. You're just a peon just like the rest of us, only difference is you wear ugly suits to work. So, why are you pitching a fit over this?
Because us office folks won't have anyone to push around for a whole week. You not being here is going to make our lives a living hell.
You think this is easy for me? I have to go a full week without throwing sarcastic remarks your way.

 

by niteowl
4-15-05
They call this a sale? Everything is so expensive here!
I know, dear. I know.
5 hours later...
...I can only imagine what their normal prices are for some of this crap.
Too bad we'll never see the suggested retail price of this stuff. By the time we get out of here, everything will be on the bargain rack.

 

by niteowl
4-15-05
What are your thoughts on the current state of bluegrass music?
I think the governor is doing a great job of running it.
Music genres don't have governers.
Then who makes taxes for them?
Why is everything white?
Because we're in an alternate universe where everything is based on the Stalled Rocks' song, "Paint It White".

 

by niteowl
4-15-05
Let's get back to the mothership before we get busted.
Right. Our leaders will be waiting for us.
...yes, I was a little skeptical at first about you hiring aliens to blow up the White House...
I told you that was gonna be fuckin' awesome.

 

by niteowl
4-15-05
Why did you put your computer in the bathroom?
Convenience. Having the toilet only a foot away is useful during those Everquest marathons. All I have to do is turn 90 degrees to the left, whip it out and-
What about sleep?
This chair is ergonomically engineered for maximum comfort, so I can sleep right here.
What about food?
Give me a break. Gamers don't eat.

 

by niteowl
4-16-05
Lets take a look at your portfolio. Previous work experience: none. Favorite genre of music: ha! like I actually listen to music. music sucks.
What you will bring to Rolling Stone: a total lack of knowledge of music and the artists who perform it, and the uncanny ability to string hip phrases together to form semi-coherent sentences.
That's beautiful. You're hired.
Cool! Say, do you guys have a lot of groupies? Because that's really what music is all about.

 

by niteowl
4-16-05
♫ Steve Irwin must die! 'Cuz he's a real annoying guy! I wanna stab him in the eye, with a sharp stick, AYE! ♫
♫ Aw yeah! Steve Irwin is dying, his guts are literally flying! Getting away, oh yes, he's trying. Hey, why is his kid crying? ♫
♫ Woop woop! Now Steve Irwin is dead, before I killed him, he gave me head. And um, his shirt's just a shred and uh...now it's turned red! ♫ Thank you, good night!

 

by niteowl
4-19-05
So now that you're married, does that mean you're gonna quit making comics?
No. In fact, I might make more than usual.
Is that because you are going to wimp out and make comics about married life constantly?
I don't think so, buddy.
The current Las Vegas line is 2-1 that you're gonna lose your edge.
Gotta go. It's almost time for me to make dinner and give my wife a 6 hour backrub.

 

by niteowl
4-20-05
So that new Pope they elected is 78 years old, eh?
I guess so.
Don't you think that's a little old? I mean, didn't the Catholics learn their lesson with John Paul-
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you care about this all of a sudden?
I just feel that I should be more cognizant of current events and the world around me in general.
AHHA! You've got the hots for a brainy girl, don'tcha?

 

by niteowl
4-20-05
Hi God.
Hey, you're not Susie. Who are you?
Susie is busy, so she had me come and talk to you for her.
What is she so busy with?
She's surfing the net for a school project. Something about evolutionism versus creationism...
I hope she doesn't get brainwashed by those nutjobs on the internet.

 

by niteowl
4-20-05
Nice place you've got here. Finished basement?
Yes. It's all tricked out. Guillotine, gallows pole, chains...it's got it all.
Can I check out the backyard?
Sure, but be careful where you walk. I just broke new ground...
Oh, right. I suppose there's a few dead bodies buried back there...
Nah, I just planted some petunias.

 

by niteowl
4-20-05
Are you ever going to get off that fucking computer? I'm so tired of you spending night and day on that thing and never paying any attention to me!
Hey motherfucker, I'm talking to you! I see how it is. You're too busy to looking at porn to acknowledge my presence, right? I hate you!
Actually, I'm reading your LiveJournal. I left a couple of nice comments too.
Goddamn, I love you.

 

by niteowl
4-21-05
Time for you to die, DX.
Why?
Because you've been dicking around a little too much lately.
The hell are you talking about?
Good luck dicking around in the afterlife.
GAH!

 

by niteowl
4-21-05
Hello Ivy. Time to meet your maker.
Uh oh, there's a killer at Walmart. So tell me, how did you manage to slip past that 80 year old, tough as nails security guard?
Enough of the small talk-
Oh, I get it. This is part of my training, right?
I don't think so.
You know, there are a lot worse employees here that you could've killed.

 

by niteowl
4-21-05
Ah yes. Filing Clerk, VIP. We meet at last.
The copy machine is behind me, but it's broke as usual.
I don't need copies made. I'm here to kill you.
Haha! That's a good one! So who put you up to this...Paco? You really should put that gun away, you could shoot somebody's eye out with that.
That's the idea, sucker.
You need to switch to decaf, my friend.

 

by niteowl
4-21-05
Meanwhile, back at the gangster's hideout...Who is behind this nefarious plot?
Boss, there are almost 50,000 members at Stripcreator...how do you expect me to kill them all?
That figure is a little misleading, since a whole slew of people have 2 or more accounts. Anyways, how many have you knocked off so far?
54. This could take a while.
Not really. You are not expected to kill EVERYONE there, just the most vocal members. We can brainwash the rest into doing our bidding for us. Who are you planning on hitting next?
Some forumuser characters, mainly the ones with drinks in their hands.
You should probably wear a gas mask. You might get a little woozy if they breathe on you.

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