All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
1-09-08
Congratulations, proles, we just had our best sales day of the year!
Huzzah!
And in other news, we're cutting everyone's hours.
Huz--
Huh?

 

by umfumdisi
1-09-08
"Let's be independent together," said Hermie. Little did I glean his meaning...
until that night on The Island of Misfit Toys when he tried to inspect my independent rear suspension.
I wasn't ready for that kind of action. No, not even after watching Yukon Cornelius lick his pick over and over. Misfits? Indeed.

 

by umfumdisi
1-09-08
Then, as the Thai twins were polishing my head with the hot wax I had poured over their breasts, the Mexican maid blundered into my bedroom.
"Por favor, Meester Breenner. Pardon, Pardon," she begged. Gesturing at the bottle trembling in her hand, I bade her come closer. She obeyed, and I recognized the contents of the bottle--floor polish!
I tore the bottle from her filthy claws, observed the image on the front, produced my autograph pen and signed, "Your Hero, Yul."

 

I don't think we should do this...
But I'm wearing a rubber.
by umfumdisi, 1-09-08

 

by umfumdisi
1-09-08
Today our guest is President Bush. Mister Bush, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Californication?
Sir, do you remember when we used to dance, and incidence arose from circumstance?
Nope. Sounds like hints, allegations and things left unsaid.
Finally, President Bush, please, please tell me now. Is there something I should know?
I ran. I ran so far away.

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-08
It's time for something new.
Sex with a woman?
Don't talk foolish, Ezekiah. I was thinking we need a hip name for buggering sheep.
Well?
Shodomy.

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-08
Zounds!
I need help. My dearest lamb is lethargic and unresponsive.
Have you tried giving her a hard slap?
What does foreplay have to do with it?

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-08
We here at Channel 3 would like to apologize for recent comics portraying the Amish people as beastial sodomizers.
As everyone knows, the Amish are a simple, hard-working, pious and somewhat stubborn folk ...
who rarely engage in sheep sex.
Or as we like to call it ... shex.
Not bad.
Aye, much better than "shodomy."

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-08
Good evening, I'm here with Reginald "Cruel Legs" Barnswallow. Why do they call you "Cruel Legs," Reginald?
Perhaps it will be best explained if I let you hear my ankles...
The host's a bloody git, ain't he? Yeah, I'd rip him open like a bag of biscuits and feed the crumbs to his whore mother.
Good Lord!
My knees are even worse.

 

by umfumdisi
1-16-08
We need to start a band.
Verily.
What kind of music do ye like?
Mostly hymns, psalms and field hollers.
Me too!
Aye, we're going to suck.

 

Try male-enhancing N-LARGEâ„¢ today. Guaranteed to make you LARGER or your money back!
Why not?
by umfumdisi, 1-23-08

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-08
Fucking TV pills

 

by umfumdisi
1-27-08
You've ruined my graduation day!
I'm sorry!
You've ruined my life!!
So, so sorry.
You've made my hat look really, really tiny in relation to yours!!!
I'm sorry, son.

 

by umfumdisi
1-27-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-08
Does this store carry cotton panties?
Yes, right over there by the fitting room.
Isn't it a bit unusual for a man to work in the Intimates section?
I don't work here.

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-08
What are you in for ... dialing without a license? HA!
Interstate phone fraud? HA-HA!
Murder. Touch me and die, bitch.

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-08
What are you in for ... interstate phone fraud? HA-HA!
You're really pushing my buttons, dude.
You don't even have any buttons.
But I do have a cord I can wrap around your scrawny neck.
GUARD!

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-03-08
Yes?
ZOMBIE-GRAM!
Neat! What does it say?
BRAINS! *Munch*
Ungh.
Thanks, but I can't accept tips.

 
by umfumdisi, 2-03-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-08
Here's a joke I heard the other day, Bruce...
Great.
Okay, so this chicken -- no, duck -- uh, this duck walks into a bar. Wait, ducks kind of waddle don't they?
Yeah.
Anyhow, this duck waddles into a bar. And the duck is going to talk, so you have to imagine he's like Daffy Duck or something. He's not Daffy, but he can talk. Okay?
MOVE FEET!

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-08
Let's recap: A talking duck -- not Daffy -- waddles into a bar. And he's wearing this outrageous outfit, right.
I mean, like, a gold fedora, mink stole and $300 shoes. Come to think of it, shoes custom-fit for a duck would be expensive...
I wish I could look up. Then I could ask God to kill me now.
Anywho, this duck is -- what's that word the rappers use? oh yeah -- blingin'. So he says to the bartender, "Gimme your most expensive bottle of champagne."
This is how I feel, and I can tell he's not even halfway home yet.

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-08
"Plus, I want a round of top shelf whiskey shots for all my new friends!" As you might imagine, Bruce, the bartender is beginning to doubt the duck can pay for all this booze.
No, I'm imagining what you'd look like as a mental patient.
Yep, that's it.
*BEEP, BEEP*
Oh hell, my copies are done. I've got to get them upstairs. We'll finish up later, Bruce.
Sure, Gary. I've got more time vested in this joke than funds in my 401(k).

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-08
If you see Gary, tell him I had to go home early or soemthing.
Caught mid-bad-joke, huh? No problem.
Melvin my man, have you seen Bruce?
Try the shitter.
Bruce! Let me finish my joke. It's been a couple of hours, so I'll start over...
Fuck you, Melvin.

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-08
... and so the duck says, "Look at my duds, man. -- heh, 'duck duds,' that's pretty funny by itself -- I can afford anything I want." So the bartender gets the bottle of champagne...
and then he pours whiskey shots for the house. The duck orders food and drinks the rest of the night. Finally, the bartender takes last call and goes to collect from the duck.
Wake up, brain. He said, "finally."
"Time to pay up, duck," says the bartender. So -- get this -- the duck looks up at the bartender and, after an awkward pause, says, "Quack?"

 

by umfumdisi
2-08-08

 

You mean ... Bernie's Dead?
No, no, no, we're re-enacting last week's CSI.
by umfumdisi, 2-08-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-08
The Democrats have to choose between a woman and a black guy...
Yeah.
And the Republicans have to choose McCain...
Pretty much.
So should we move to Canada or Mexico?
Canada. Mexico's already here.

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-08
nice day
beautiful
nice day
beautiful

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-08
We're conjoined twins.
We were separated against our wills.
We're offering a reward for this man. ==>

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-08
Oh God, I can't feel my legs!
Wait ... I was already a paraplegic.

 

by umfumdisi
2-09-08
Listen, children. Today I was hunting a gazelle near the woods. I threw my spear with skill, but it struck a tree, not the beast.
After removing the spear, I saw a rubbery substance stuck on the end. Intrigued, I put it in my mouth and chewed. It was delicious!
I'm sorry I failed in bringing you meat, children. Even though I meant business, the spear meant gum.

 

by umfumdisi
2-10-08
Goodbye cruel world.
You will hurt me no longer.
This is taking longer than I thought it would.

 

by umfumdisi
2-10-08
Nice...
arboretum.
At least I'll die like I always wanted ... face-down in bush.

 

by umfumdisi
2-10-08

 

Looks like I rear-ended you, Bill. Copy?
Don't worry, that's how I like it. Over.
by umfumdisi, 2-10-08

 

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
Can I get in on this action?
by umfumdisi, 2-10-08

 

You're so small and cute ... I'd like to take you home, hang you up in my closet and wear you out for parties!
And I'd like you to swallow my hefty load, bitch.
by umfumdisi, 2-16-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-16-08
Yay, Monday!
LASAGNA!?! AGAIN?
Odie, my good fellow, which shall I fetch you first today ... some kibble or a lovely chew-toy?

 

Lucy, please pull that football away at the last second so I can fly through the air, fall to the ground and experience the exquisite agony of pain for which my soul yearns.
You need a psychiatrist ... a very expensive psychiatrist.
by umfumdisi, 2-16-08

 

I love Whitey.
by umfumdisi, 2-16-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-16-08
Well, the Earth actually is round.
I see that.
Wait, aren't you supposed to say something pithy and punny? How are we going to end this comic?
Hold on, I'm drawing a conclusion.

 

What are you doing down there?
Sorry, I assumed this was Uranus.
by umfumdisi, 2-17-08

 

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty Abes!!
by umfumdisi, 2-20-08

 

Abe, we've got to go back in time, find some famous old dudes and finish our report.
We are famous old dudes!
by umfumdisi, 2-20-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-20-08
George, your Vice-President shot some dude in the face!
Ooh, ooh, oog.
George, your military is bogged down in the Middle East!
Ah, ah!
George, you shit on the Kyoto Protocol!
Oog-ah, oog-ah!

 

Who put a jack-o-lantern in the loo?
The -o- is short for "off."
by umfumdisi, 2-20-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-20-08

 

by umfumdisi
2-20-08
Here we are at Bushwood Knob eagerly awaiting the first glimpse of Bushwood Bob.
I'm gonna get that wascally wodent.
Here we are again at Bushwood Knob awash with anticipation over the arrival of Bushwood Bob.
Nice to meet you, I'm Chevy Chase.
Here we are yet again ... Bushwood Knob ... Cinderella story, a young gopher, out of nowhere, rising to fame and glory -- somebody kill me.
I see evidence of WGDs ... Weapons of Grass Detruction!

 

by umfumdisi
3-02-08
I've lost my 84-year-old mother. Can you help me?
Sure, she should be here within minutes.
How do you know that?
I'm covering myself with Dependsâ„¢ and dog food.
Ben-Gay and butterscotch?

Showing page 27.

« Previous Next »