All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
11-28-05
♫ I'm... dreaming... of a white... Christmas... ♫
AAAAAA!!!!! Enough already! If these fucking songs are so fucking fantastic, why aren't they played ALL YEAR LONG, huh? TAKE THE FUCKING HINT!!
♫ Fa la la la la... la la, la la... ♫
They're dropping earlier every year.
***sob***

 

by Scyess
11-28-05
My mom makes the best carrot soup ever, but I just don't like carrots.
I know how ya feel, Jon. It's kind of like having the biggest dick of all the drag queens.
Uh... I don't really think...
Lonely times, those were.

 

by Scyess
11-28-05
***sob***
Now now, Mrs. Handley. Don't think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining a son.
And just how the hell is that exactly?
Um... well... you see... er...
You have got to be the worst funeral director ever.
This might be a bad time to point out the tip jar.

 

by Scyess
11-30-05
Let's sell a bunch of our stock and change the name of the company to "Applied Incompetence."
When the share price crashes, we'll buy back the stock and change the name back.
I'm beginning to have my doubts about your ability to run this firm.
That's the spirit!

 

by Scyess
12-02-05
I don't know why, doc. I feel like eating cereal for all five meals every day.
Hmm... are you a bachelor, a video gamer, or an Ineternet chatter?
Um... all three.
I'm going to recommend you be put to sleep.
Why does everyone keep saying that?!

 

by Scyess
12-03-05
I'm here to present to you the Lifetime Unacheivement Award for squandering your time and having absolutely nothing to show for it.
Wow! Really?
Except now I guess you have this award... so we can't give it to you. FUCK! Why does this keep happening to me?
It's been seven months... when will that guy stop coming here?
I don't know, but I'd better not do anything 'til he does.

 

by Scyess
12-03-05
Hey! I thought I told you I was in a hurry. It took an hour to get my food!
You're welcome.
No... an hour is a really long time.
Oh. Well, what we lose in speed, we make up in quality.
My food was also covered in slime.
You're welcome.

 

by Scyess
12-03-05
My food is not supposed to be covered in slime when it gets to my table.
Perhaps you forgot to read the sign on the front door.
It says, "Chinese Food."
Exactly. Now if you'll pardon me, table seven just ordered me in ginger sauce.

 

by Scyess
12-05-05
I don't smoke or drink or do drugs or drink coffee or eat lard sandwiches or ride a bike without a helmet.
I just don't enjoy those things. It's not that I don't want to abuse my body.
You are unhealthily sedentary.
Yeah, but that hardly has the glamour of gargling with Drain-o.

 

by Scyess
12-08-05
Gosh, I hope people don't think of me as insignificant.
Don't worry. I doubt people think of you at all.
YES!
The key to happiness is to set your sights low.

 

by Scyess
12-08-05
These new sugar crackers are great. I think I'll have some more.
You eat those all day. You should cut back; they're not good for you.
Dammit! Nothing's "good for you!" We all gotta go sometime! Might as well die eating tasty snacks!
A few years later...
This one says, "Too many crackers."
And you said they'd never agree to a cull.

 

by Scyess
12-08-05
Have you ever read -- or any heard of -- any books where people talk about how staying in the house all the time eating cereal and playing video games ruined their life?
Er, no.
Ever seen a TV interview with someone who said it?
No...
So I think that proves my lifestyle is headed in a perfectly wholesome and positive direction.
No, all it proves is that losers don't write books or get on TV.

 

by Scyess
12-08-05
...so I told him his wife was pretty and he said, "Thanks." Can you believe it? "Thanks!"
As if he had something to do with it. Or maybe he thought I was complimenting his choice, like she was just an object. I was so offended.
Then you offered him ten bucks if you could fuck her.
Dammit, Jon. I'm getting there.

 

by Scyess
12-09-05
We're not really into Christmas here in Hell.
C'mon. There's something in Christmas for everyone. How about the stories? Presents? Parties? Cookies? Snow?
We're not really into snow here in Hell.
Well, what are you into here in Hell?
Torture and suffering.
Well, then how about malls and Christmas music?

 

by Scyess
12-09-05
You were at the bookstore a long time.
Yes. There was this book on conquering indecision. But I couldn't decide whether to buy it.
Obviously, you should've.
You'd think. But if I'd decided to buy it, then I wouldn't need it.
Now I'm kind of surprised you made it back at all.
After a few hours, I pulled the fire alarm and escaped out the back.

 

by Scyess
12-11-05
I'm a vocal percussionist. I've spent years training myself to sound exactly like a drum set.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
Why would you waste your life training yourself to make the same sound that you could get instantly by dropping a few bucks at a music store?
Why do people you talk to tend to commit suicide?
I guess perspective should be handed out in smaller doses.

 

by Scyess
12-15-05
Hamsters are cute, but they're not cuddly. They're just too small.
If you're going to have a soft, furry pet, you really need more surface area.
I found out why all those hamsters were sewn together, but you probably don't want to know.

 

by Scyess
12-15-05
**RING**
The next generation of my sew-a-bunch-of-hamsters-together-project is to make them into a warm coat.
But who would want a coat that's constantly moving around and clawing your body with little paws?
Richard Gere's on the phone.
SCORE!

 

by Scyess
12-15-05
So my coat made of live hamsters is complete. There were a lot of problems to solve.
One of the toughest was to find out how to avoid the embarassment of having your coat shit all over the place.
Making all the tiny butt plugs look like Richard Gere was a nice touch.
Thank you.

 

by Scyess
12-15-05
Where's your coat made of live hamsters?
It was a finished project, so I sold it. Now I need to find something new to work on.
How about a pocket knife made out of live elephants?
Now you're just being silly.
How about a tank tread made of live PETA members?
Now you're talkin'!

 

by Scyess
12-15-05
Who are you?
I'm a representative from a huge clothing manufacturer. We want to mass-produce your live-hamster coats.
But that's silly. The hamsters die so fast people would have to buy a new coat every three days.
I see we're on the same wavelength already!
Crime might not pay, but apparently legal evil can be quite lucrative.
Yow! You didn't tell me you were a mind reader!

 

by Scyess
12-16-05
The big gift item this Christmas is coats made out of live hamsters, causing a hamster demand to outstrip supply.
Analysts working on models cross referencing that and the increase in average household credit card debt are predicting some ugly trends...
"I know Mr. Snuggles is your pet, dear, but now he's worth more to us dead than alive. Now go find him."
Like hell you will.

 

by Scyess
12-16-05
...they announced today that because of the new popularity of hamster coats, there is a real threat of a severe hamster shortage.
At that point, they all agreed that "severe hamster shortage" is a funny thing to say; the rest of the meeting was dedicated to making up silly phrases, such as "midget shortfall conundrum."
Bush's economic team then presented their report to the President, who reputedly squirted milk out his nose.
2008

 

by Scyess
12-17-05
Hey, Jon. Want to go see a jazz combo with me?
I'd love to!
Great! I'm so glad I found someone who will go with me!
Oh, absolutely! I love it! I can't wait to pay money to see ganja-infused amateurs fuck around mindlessly with tired old standards for four hours...
...I almost had a date, but I let my polite lies turn into sarcasm again.
Typical for you... except for the almost having a date part.

 

by Scyess
12-18-05
I'm scared, Cowdjinn. I'm scared of growing old friendless and dying alone.
It's redunant to say "friendless" and "alone." Obviously if you're friendless, you'd also be alone.
I don't think you're quite grasping the point of this conversation.
I don't know about you, but to me the point of this conversation is that my show went to commercial.

 

by Scyess
12-19-05
Merry Christmas!
You bastard. Why do you assume I'm a Christian?
And what -- between Santa Claus, Christmas parties, presents, mall sales, and eggnog -- makes you assume Christmas is a religious holiday?
Stop it! I've been programmed to haughtily segregate myself from anything not explicitly related to my subculture!
Then happy Kwanzaa, too, you turd.

 

by Scyess
12-20-05
"Attention all employees. Due to a watermain break to the line that supplies our building..."
"...we are evacuating the building. All employees must go home."
YES!!
Today I realized I'm still in second grade.
I'll give you a dollar if you eat this paste.

 

by Scyess
12-20-05
It's freezing outside, but it just won't snow.
...WHUMP!!
The hat and carrot might be a bit over the top.
Whine whine whine.

 

by Scyess
12-21-05
♫ ..I don't know if there'll be snow / But have a cup of cheer... ♫
♫ Rodolph, the red-nosed reindeer... ♫
Christmas strongly promotes drinking.
Drop dead.

 

by Scyess
12-22-05
What're you giving to Hal for Christmas?
I'm giving him an Olive Garden gift card.
Why not just give him the cash?
Cash is so impersonal.
So to make your gift more heartfelt than cash, you're giving him an illiquid cash substitute that can only be spent on bad Italian food...
I never said I liked him.

 

by Scyess
12-22-05
I got the present you sent. It was your heart.
Yes. Do you like it?
It broke.
You mean you broke it.
I mean I lit it on fire and used it as a tetherball.
Ah, yes.

 

by Scyess
12-22-05
What did you give Tataki for Christmas?
I sent her my heart.
That explains your pallor.
It doesn't explain how you can still be standing he-
**CLUNK**

 

by Scyess
12-28-05
I never see anyone in your pet store. Is business going okay?
Great! Never better.
But how can that be, if no one ever comes in here?
The three things you need to run a successful business are location, location, location!
But no one ever comes to buy your pets.
It doesn't matter. We're right between Mexican and Chinese restaraunts.

 

by Scyess
12-28-05
Ooooh yeah, baby... I 'm likin' what I'm seein' here... Oh God, oh God, this is hot! Ahh! Ahhh!!!
Hey Joey, Mom said to HOLY CRAP JOEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
Jesus! Uh, Sally, this isn't what it looks like!
It looks like you're giving a sensual massage to my Etch-a-Sketch on stage at Carnagie Hall.
Okay. So it is what it looks like.
You sick bastard. My Legos are still in counseling!

 

by Scyess
1-02-06
And what do you want for Christmas?
I want the disco version of Beethoven's 5th never to have existed.
Christmas magic is powerful magic, my son, but that kind of evil can only be defeated by a higher power.
Sorry, but my hands are tied.
THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING!

 

by Scyess
1-02-06
I can't believe you gave me a pair of underwear for Christmas.
Hope you like it.
Jon... I don't even want to think about the possibility of you ever even considering my underwear.
Okay. From now on, I will always imagine you not wearing underwear.
I think that was creepy enough to earn me a "self defense" verdict.
Not necessary. I'm about to die from the pent-up humiliation of purchasing women's underwear.

 

by Scyess
1-03-06
Why so glum, Jim? Post-holiday depression?
Yeah. Another season of peace on Earth and good will toward men is over.
Now we can resume the standard 10½ months of war and spite.
If it makes you feel any better, we didn't really have much peace or good will this year.
I know. I'm just glad to get that hippy shit out of the mainstream so I can blow shit up again.

 

by Scyess
1-04-06
Could you pass the salt, please?
I would be happy to cry and sweat myself into a whithered heap to supply as much salt as necessary to ensure your cuilnary enjoyment!!!
Uh, the shaker will be fine.
This is great. Most of my dates choose the whithered heap one.

 

by Scyess
1-05-06
Dispite the horrible results of the unexplainable Hollywood trend of making bad old TV shows into even worse new movies...
...studios today announced plans to make movies out of Miami Vice, Magnum, PI, and Momma's Family.
Is it bad news when sarcastic remarks I make about upcoming movies come true?
I'm starting to see the Unibomber's point.

 

by Scyess
1-06-06
Did you know that with the cable channels we have, we can watch an episode of Law & Order 133 hours a week?
And yet people starve in Sudan and Eritrea. Do you know what this means?
We need more cable channels?
I'll go order the 1400-channel package.

 

by Scyess
1-06-06
YOU SHITTY BASTARD! YOU REPUBLICAN STOOGE OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION! YOU'LL ROT IN HELL!!
Wow. You must really hate Bush.
Yes. I hate him and everyone associated with him.
You must. I've never seen anyone harass a poet laureate like that.
DELIGHTS AND SHADOWS RELIED OVERLY ON MAUDLIN IMAGERY!

 

by Scyess
1-06-06
It sucks. Because of the school system in this country, I can't find a good book to read.
Why is that the school system's fault?
In school they make you read all the good writing by really talented authors. Then you graduate and have to sort through three billion inferior books.
Who do I have to kill to get some three-dimentional characterization?
Maybe you should stop choosing books for their colorful jackets.

 

by Scyess
1-09-06
The TV these days is full of filth and trash.
I know. I stopped watching it.
You're a wholesome lad. Do you want to help me fight for decent shows on television?
Why don't you just not watch them?
GOSH DURN IT! I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT KNOWING THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE MIGHT BE SPANKIN' IT!
That reminds me... I've got to go, um... look something up on the Internet.

 

by Scyess
1-09-06
I didn't like that last comic. It implies that old ladies are prudish and repressed. Well, in reality, I'm as sexually ambitions as the next woman!
Uh...
Just 'cause I've lived a while doesn't mean I don't like to lather up in Crisco and get gang-banged by parapalegic midgets just like the next gal.
GAH! NO! IMAGERY!
THAT should keep him from spankin' it.
I'm going to go bleach my genitals off now.

 

by Scyess
1-10-06
Yo, dude. Wanna buy my CD?
What kind of music is it?
It's a bunch of songs about my political views featuring --
... just you and your acoustic guitar?
Dude! How did you know?
Lucky guess.

 

by Scyess
1-10-06
So my new CD features me singing about important issues of today that really matter.
Let me guess. Did you bang out any old shitty, monotonous tune just because it happened to fit lyrics expressing your views which, for some reason, you think I care about?
Wow. It's like you've already heard it.
Another lucky guess.

 

by Scyess
1-11-06
Hey. Wanna buy my CD?
What kind of music is it?
Folk.
Folk as in music from a cultural tradition, or "folk" as in you whining semi-musically to an acoustic guitar?
Maybe I should've answered more cleverly than "that second one."

 

by Scyess
1-12-06
Muslims must participate in the annual Hajj pilgrimage to three large pillars outside Mecca where they engage in a ritual called "the stoning of the devil."
I wonder if that really works.
Woah... must be Eid-ul-Adha. Everything's all wobbly and I've got a wicked urge to visit Jerry Garcia's room.
I don't think so. It's just a ritual.
Why is a ball of flame raiding our refrigerator?

 

by Scyess
1-16-06
Welcome to the Psychic Cafe. Here's your spaghetti.
Is that all you have?
No, but we knew that's what you were going to order. Which reminds me...
Then she kicked me in the nuts because I wasn't going to leave a big enough tip.
Uncannily accurate.

 

by Scyess
1-17-06
For millinia the men of science and philosophy have spent millions -- if not billions -- of hours toiling to answer the question: "Why?"
In the meantime, we apathists have spent those hours in relaxation and enjoyment.
But the philosophers and scientists will go down in history and be remembered forever, while you apathists are forgotten before you're even noticed.
So what?
Wow. You guys thought of everything.

Showing page 28.

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