All comics by ComedyGeek

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by ComedyGeek
7-08-09
Uh... is it... it is? Oh... ahem... greetings puny humans! Cower before Groklar of the Neptons, and prepare to surrender... yada yada yada, you've all heard it before...
Our ships are hovering over all your major cities, we have your leaders, surrender the one called Professor Higgs Boson or face the wrath... blah blah blah...
It was at this point that the rest of us Neptons began to suspect Groklar was just phoning it in
Oh, and can you imprison me someplace with Wi-Fi this time?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-09-09
Oh god, I'd do anything to get rid of this fucking hangover...
Hi, remember me?
Wha... wait, I remember you! You're that dog that attacked me last night!!
Indeed, and that is why I can help you now.
Why is that?
Because I'm Hera, the dog that bit you.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-10-09
And now... Live from his satellite prison... it's Groklar! Thanks for agreeing to this, Groklar!
No problem, Keith. I got nothin' but time. And please... call me Grok.
Grok... why do you do it? Why do you menace the Earth over and over when you never succeed?
Habit. Plus, it's all I'm qualified for... not a lot of jobs for a guy my age with a record and, you know, from space.
I see your point..
Plus, the sex is amazing.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-11-09
Painful Truth #2 : Crime is rare
Are you sure?
Because it's in the news all the time!
Yes, and in popular media like CSI and Law and Order, too. But that's because these things are trying to be popular, and crime is exciting.
So they're lying?
Criminals aren't lurking everywhere?
They're exaggerating. In truth, there are dozens of bad things that are more likely to happen to you than crime, But they aren't as exciting.
But if nobody wants our stuff....
... well what good is it?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-12-09
Do you find every day life a confusing and frightening muddle? Do simple things confound your tiny brain?
Then you need our new Books For Actual Dummies, from DURR industries! With big, colorful illustrations and no big words!
Titles include "How To Stay Upright", "When Not To Drool", "Doorknobs Explained", and our best seller. "Why They're Mad At You"!
On one level, I'm insulted. But on another, I'm glad the people who needs these books are finally getting them.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-13-09
More from the "Thoughts of Cats" channel
"You seem frightened of me. How facsinating. "
"I am lord of all I survey. Lift me higher, so I can survey more. "
"Don't pick me up! Don't pick me up! DON'T PICK ME UP! Oh, alright. *purrrrrrrrrrrr*"
Do cats even LIKE lasagna?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-14-09
A plea to all Democrats
PLEASE STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO THE REPUBLICANS.
They lost. They're not in power. They're completely irrelevant to the future of America, especially since Franken took Minnesota.
They only have one power left, and that's the power to attract attention to themselves and distract from all the work that truly needs to be done.
This power is in your control. Ignore them, and it disappears, and you can focus on what really matters.
Namely, making sure all Democrats you put into power deliver on all their promises, and don't knuckle under to Republican pressure.
Plus, ignoring the Republicans will drive them CRAZY. Well, crazier.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-15-09
Hi loyal readers! Welcome to this, the 100th Hank Watches Television strip!
Pardon us for not dressing up, but we're animals.
We'd just like to take the time to thank everyone who has kept on reading this far.
We recognize that the strip has kind of wandered pretty far afield from the original idea of the strip, and we're grateful for those who have stayed with us regardless.
Yeah! I mean, are we even in this thing any more?
I'm just glad I get to watch TV by myself again. Stay tuned, folks, big things are coming real soon now!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-16-09
Mister Wince, I understand your new "Progressive" Nazi party is a lot more open than previous Nazi parties.
Well sure! I mean, we're Nazis, but we're not Nazis about it! We let in anyone... Jews, black, homosexuals, gyspies...
What matters to us is not the color of your skin, but the hatred in your heart.
That seems fair.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-17-09
On tonight's "Seventh Circle"
You wanted to see me, Dad?
Yes, Son. I got a call from your school today. They said you'd been showing mercy to the damned.
Well... maybe a little.
Son, we're been through this before. You should never show mercy to the damned... and why is that?
*sigh* "Because if they deserved mercy, they wouldn't have been sent to Hell. "
Exactly. Now make your father proud, and go eviscerate that heretic!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-18-09
We interrupt "Nazi Shark Week" on A&E to bring you the following important bulletin
Police have just announced plans to install photo gaydar throughout the downtown area.
Residents are warned that downtown's flame limit will be "weird uncle", except near theaters and antique stores.
This story and more on the Late News At 11.
And now, a moment with Space Jesus.
Hi there folks! You know, I don't know what's wrong with the English but.... that's not a muffin!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-19-09
INAPPROPRIATE!
Is it true that you did child porngraphy before you became a star?
Hey, I was young and I needed the money.
INAPPROPRIATE!
What was it like in Auschwitz, Grandma?
It was great! Just like summer camp. And always meeting new people!
INAPPROPRIATE!
Well, Mister Punk, that was one AMAZING blowjob.
Thanks! Say what you want about us junkies, but at least we're motivated!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-20-09
Guests tonight on "What's Up Doctorates" : two Professors of Recent History, Doctors Weis and Brett. Doctor Weis, what is your speciality?
The period of five seconds ago, when you famously introduced us as "A pair of arrogant academic assholes".
That's absurd!
I should say so! Doctor Weis, please...
My Theory of Program Host Unctuousness clearly states that he introduced us as "two of the most brilliant, underpaid, and sexually irresitable beings in the Cosmos".
Gentlemen, this show is being taped. We could quickly resolve...
That's patently aburd. It would never work!
Of course not! A videotape of some fly-by-night television show could never be accepted as evidence in a field as important as History!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-21-09
By some definitions...
Dude, you had sex with that guy every way possible! That's so gay!
What? I didn't let him kiss me or anything....
Generic children
You are such a pejorative!
Am not!
It doesn't work like this.
Now I've lost my erection.
Well, where did you have it last?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-22-09
Captain, I calculate the odds against us succeeding in this mission as being....
OK, that's it. Stop right there.
Is there a problem, Captain?
I'll say. Look, what did you say the odds against us were against us rescuing Chancellor Dagalog from the Ice Prison?
Approximately 27 million to one against.
Uh huh. And when we had to deactivate the Time Drone before it destroyed the sector? What were the odds then?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-22-09
84.8723 billion to one against.
Exactly. And I can think of dozens more identical examples. Now I'm no alien super-scientist, but even I know that probabilities add.
Your point is...?
My point is EITHER we're the luckiest beings ever OR... you're just pulling these numbers out of your butt. Either way, you should just STFU about it from now on. OK?
...what are the odds that we can jusr forget this conversation ever happened?
Not good.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-23-09
This weekend only at ShopMart, there is NO SALE WHATSOEVER going on! That's right, NO SALE AT ALL!
Seriously?
Even if it's marked down, you still pay FULL PRICE! Gaze at aisle after all of regular prices! Gape at the complete lack of colorful signage!
So don't miss this once in a lifetime event! We repeat... for this weekend only, there is NO SALE AT SHOPMART!
I'd go, but there's a dress code.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-24-09
On this week'e episode of "Dear God"...
"Dear God : I hope you get this letter, and/ I pray you can make things better... "
OK, stop, trust me, I've heard it. Will people please stop playing that old XTC song already? I get it, Alan. You're not happy. Move on!
"Dear God : I've got some bug reports. Where do I send them?"
I hate to break this to ya, pal, but as your one true infallible perfect God, I can tell you with absolute certainy : It's not a bug. It's a feature. Next letter.
Dad, we talked about this. You promised to relax a little.
Alright, alright. Forward your reports to suggestions@pearlygates.hvn and I'll... consider them.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-25-09
I hate it when you play Devil's Advocate!
No you don't!
And you, sir. What's your name, and what do you do for a living?
My name is Virgil Lantz, and I'm eternal price for freedom.
I hope you brought your Elephant Man mask, 'cause I've got my beard and mermaid tail!
All ruight! Time to get our FREAK on!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-26-09
So then he took me back to his place, and well... you know...
Big surprise there.
Excuse me? Are you implying that I'm easy?
Easy? Girlfriend, you're practically mandatory.
Oh yeah? What does that make you?
...Inevitable.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-27-09
An actual overheard conversation!
So how's Lancey?
Oh, she died. She froze to death.
She never liked coats.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-28-09
How do you know you're really bad at scat singing? You start singing actual words?
Shooby doo WAH, bedoo bah, badoo ping pong....
,,, butterscotch BADMINTON, eraser pork speedo....
...dammit!
You suck!!

 

by ComedyGeek
7-29-09
It's perfectly fine to deduce the cause of an emotion
Something bad just happened, therefore I feel bad.
The problem arises when you try to work things backwards
I feel bad, therefore the thing causing me to feel bad must BE bad
It's not hard to see how this can lead to unacceptable conclusions
Black people scare me. Therefore they scary, bad people.
Say what now?

 

by ComedyGeek
7-30-09
So, I see you STILL haven't taken the garbage out.
Well no, I've been busy.
You, BUSY? Busy doing WHAT?
Well, first I led a massive raid on WoW. Then I spent three hours writing materials for my D&D campaign, and then Josh came by and we rebuilt his SCA armor.
See, that's the problem with you kids. You're so LAZY.

 

by ComedyGeek
7-31-09
And now, a word from our sponsors
Heya, folks. I'm Guido, and this is my really classy restaurant. At Guido's, everything is classy... even our waitresses, like Shelly here.
Yeah, I even been to college n' shit!
We got them big fancy leather menus, real silverware with real silver, and all our food is that high class snooty French crap!
We even got an old guy that does nothing but sit in the bathroom and hand you fancy ass wipes and creams!
So if you're looking to nail a really high-class broad, take her here, to Guido's Real Classy Eats.
"We got class coming out our ass!"

 

by ComedyGeek
8-01-09
A spoiled brat
WAAH! Don't touch my toys! All parents do is make me do things! You can't make me share! WAAH!
A reasonable adult
Well... I know that I can't have everything my way. Sometimes, you have to do things you don't want to, like pay taxes.
A rich person
WAAH! Don't touch my money! Governments just take money! You can't make me share! WAAH!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-02-09
How to turn down a hooker
So how about it, pal?
I don't know. You've got some stiff competition. I'm REALLY good at masturbating.
A bad morning for a psychotic
Oh great. Now I think I'm God again. Last thing I need today.
When you don't care if you get the job
And what's your educational background?
Some kingergarten.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-03-09
One difference between people is how strongly they desire their lives to be the result of a series of well thought out choices they have made
So as you can see, I've conclusively and mathematically proved that I am awesome.
That's amazing, professor.
Some people aren't even aware they are making choices, let alone expeting their life to be a result of them
Um, why are the cops here?
I'unno.
But most people are somewhere in between the two extremes.
Everything good is because of our awesome intelligent choices.
But everything bad is someone else's fault!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-04-09
hrrrurrghh... Welcome to Skedaddles.... ghrururrr... can I take your order?
Uh... is that a live mongoose stapled to the wall?
hgggiggighrr... Yes, sir.... YURT! YURT! we pride ourselves on our.... THAT'S NOT A SUPPOSITORY MOTHER... quirky charm.
Uh, OK. What would you recommend?
guh-KECK! hlurgle....... I'm very fond of the... PURPLEJISM.... Bleeding Hearts of the Innocent nachoes... they're... beyond redemption.... sir.
Actually, I think I'll just have a drink. I don't think I could eat with the mongoose staring at me like that.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-05-09
On the "Completely Superfluous Advertising Network"
Food. It's what's for dinner.
Most days, yup.
Join the majority and breathe air.
'Cause if it ain't air, you're not breathing!
Existence, If you can hear this message, you're already doing it.
Great, now I have to keep doing it till the day I die.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-06-09
1986
♪ Relax... let it in... let the fun begin... ♪
See, that could be about anything
1987
♪...it was HOT HARD MEN... I hope this day never ends... ♪
They're just... really into physical fitness....
1988
♪ We're gay and so are all our songs... if you thought different you were wrong... ♪
Well.... poop.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-07-09
KLANSMAN! But.... I killed you back in Johannesburg!
Or so you THOUGHT!
No, seriously... I shot you in the head... bits of your brain all over me... look, you can still see the stains on this trenchcoat...
And yet I live! And so does Doctor Smellybog, the Defenestrator, and even Commandant Fragile! You should know by now, Mister Fog, that in movies like this....

 

by ComedyGeek
8-08-09
You summoned me, Almighty Lord?
Ah, Holy Spirit. Yes, I summoned you. I've been meaning to talk to you for a while. Now, you're my Will on Earth, correct?
I am he who says "I am". I am the Will, the Power, and the Divine. I am the Mystery. I am..
Great, great. Now remember that World Peace and Harmony project I left you with? How's that coming along?
I am... working on it... uh... been busy with... burning... and.... stuff...
I'm beginning to see how my Creation got into the shape it's in.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-09-09
Coming up next, the ghost of John Belushi will sing "I'm A Soul, Man"!
Hmmm. I suppose he is.
But first, Hugh Laurie will be here to discuss his decision to change his name to Hugh Truck...
Wow, he is REALLY going American...
And then a panel of letters and numbers will discuss which episodes of Sesame Street they want to sponsor.
I bet X will get stuck with a clip show again.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-10-09
New from Candyman Confections, it's the rooster-shaped candy on a stick.... Cock Suckers!
Sounds tasty.
Every candy aisle will soon be teaming with Cock Suckers! You'll never have trouble finding a Cock Sucker again!
Promises, promises.
So go get your own personal long-lasting Cock Sucker today! Ask for it by name!
I'm both jealous and intrigued.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-11-09
INAPPROPRIATE!
You're way better at sex than my mother!
You're right.... I am.
INAPPROPRIATE!
You really should get your dog neutered.
But then we couldn't do any of our favorite activities together!
INAPPROPRIATE!
I'm going to KILL YOU then RAPE the CHILDREN!
In that order?

 

by ComedyGeek
8-12-09
Hi there America! We here at HWT have been watching your news lately, and we've noticed that there's some downright crazy things being said about universal health care in your country lately.
And we figured that, as good neighbours, we would give you an idea of what socialized medicine is REALLY like, from those who've had it all their lives. Us Canadians!
It's pretty simple. As Canadians, we can go to any doctor, any hospital, anywhere in Canada, for any length of time, for any illness, with any course of treatment, and we will never, ever see a bill.
No deductibles. No fees. No exemptions. No endless insurance forms. No team of HMO bureuacrats paid by how much treatment they prevent you from getting.
And definitely no "death panels" deciding whether Grandma is worh the government's money! LOL!
Yeah, since when do government bureaucrats care if taxpayers' money is wasted?

 

by ComedyGeek
8-13-09
One Saturday morning...
And remember kids, you're a unique and beautiful.... *sigh* You know what, I just can't do this any more.
Oh, are we doing this today?
Listen, kids. The real truth is that you're just a regular human being, just like everybody else. And there's nothing wrong with that.
You're just another snowflake in the Alaska that is the human race. Sure, you're unique and special... but so is everyone else.
Sure, you CAN grow up to be anything you want... but you probably won't. So relax. There's worse things in life than growing up to be average.
Well kids, this is probably Biffy and me's last show. Just remember, we're the ones who respected you enough to level with you. Have an average life, kids!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-14-09
Ordering at the "Star Trek" restaurant
Are you getting an appetizer?
Yeah, I'm gonna get the Potato Skin of Evil platter. It's the appie that killed Tasha Yarr.
Great, then I think I'll get the Jeffries Tubers.
I'm gonna get those with my Vulcan Mind Melt,
Right. And we know what we're drinking, right?
What else? Two "It Is Green" cocktails!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-15-09
Doctor! One of the babies in Obstetrics just swallowed a handful of quarters!
Western medicine
Relax! Give the kid a laxative and call me if there's any change.
Eastern medicine
Do not worry, my child. Change must come from within.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-16-09
Coming up next on KRUD, grab the kids and watch this week's episode of "The A Little Too Friendly Giant"!
Oh, I like him.... kinda.... I mean, he seems nice... I guess.
Then, fashion fun with Ultra Extreme Makover! This week. we take this middle-aged balding accountant and turn him into... a thirty foot onion!
Pfft. That's way easier than it sounds.
And then, Sister Magda Len will be here for a crafts show called "You Can Make Anything Vibrate".
Well, if anyone would know...

 

by ComedyGeek
8-17-09
Hank... do people like me?
I like you.
I know you like me... but do... you know... people in general... do they like me?
Petunia, I can honestly say that I don't know anyone who doesn't like you.
....thank you Hank. I needed to hear that.
Just don't ask if I know anyone who likes you. You're the only other person I know!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-18-09
Well, this is it, Randy. I'm leaving you.
Uh huh.
If you can't pry yourself away from your precious video gaming in order to spend time with your radioactive rooster, then there's no point in me staying.
Right.
I'm going to go live with my Jehovah's Witness friends.
Big deal, I'll get the points back when I level up.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-19-09
Tonight, a very special episode of "The Family With Issues". Ricky discovers Tammy's lesbian affair with a Rottweiler.
Bitch.
Meanwhile, Lucky becomes addicted to crack on the way to trade counterfeit Rolexes to pay for Pat's abortion.
Saw that coming.
And on the lighter side, a hilarious case of mistaken identity leads Raul to a wacky suicide attempt!
Oh Raul.... can't you do anything right?

 

by ComedyGeek
8-21-09
Don'y worry about it man, I don't mind when people talk about how hot my mother is.
Cool. Thanks.
I mean, just check her out. Killer body, perfect champagne-glass tits, and a perky, tight ass.
Uh....
In fact, truth be told, there's a couple of times I've been tempted to...
YOU NEED TO STOP TALKING NOW PLEASE.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-21-09
Oh, come on, Twoie-Two. You can't ignore me forever.
Watch me.
It wasn't that bad.
Says you.
I just said that your Lou Rawls impression needed a little work.
YOU SAID I SOUNDED LIKE PEE WEE HERMAN AFTER A KICK TO THE JUNK.

 

by ComedyGeek
8-22-09
Welcome to the Gradually Spreading Brown Stain On The Ceiling Channel.
Tonight, we focus on what appears to be an ancient Ouzo stain on an apartment ceiling in Lisbon/
Would you believe this is the most interesting thing on?

 

by ComedyGeek
8-23-09
(original idea by Felicity Walker)
This week, on the Gradually Spreading Brown Stain On The Ceiling Channel... a soy spot on a pagoda in Bankok!
Exotic!
A dryrot stain on the ceiling of a mosque on the Afgan/Pakistan border!
Dangerous!
And in a worldwide exclusive... a slight discoloration on the ceiling of the SISTINE CHAPEL!
I'm... I'm not sure I can take the excitement!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-24-09
Many have noticed that the Gradually Spreading Brown Stain On The Ceiling Channel hasn't shown you the Lisbon stain lately.
Indeed! And we demand answers!
Well, the truth is, due to a fungal infection, the Lisbon stain has.... turned green.
GOOD GOD NO!
So if you wish to keep follwoing it, you'll have to turn to the Gradually Spreading Green Stain On The Ceiling channel from now on..
Never!!

 

by ComedyGeek
8-25-09
Uh, hi there folks. This is me, Michael "The Comedy Geek" Bertrand, creator and writer of this comic strip. Or as close as stripcreator can get, anyhow.
I just thought I'd step out in front of the curtain today because I just heard that Scott Smith, the brilliant writer of the strip "Slackerz", is retiring.
We'll miss you Scott. Your writing style always rocked my world. Thanks for all you've given us, and the advice you've given me.

Showing page 3.

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