All comics by JonProctor

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by JonProctor
4-21-05
D.I.A headquarters. (incase you didn't know, the DIA stands for DOG INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.....
Dude, there's dogs like you that just rip the hell out of cats. I don't go for tha shit. Leave 'em be.
Shut the fuck up! Listen, a real dog has a common command to attack intruders from the other side of the wall. I shall do as Master Rento says.
Master Rento is a pure Asshole. He commands and commands until we start to cough up cat's bones.
Listen, Punk! You'll do as you're told. We need the Technology and Education in order to take part in Project Catkill.
CIA........cat intelligence agency...........
Listen, we need to hop over that big wall and steal all their stuff. That way it'll piss them off 'cause they can't get over the wall. HA HA!
Dat is correct. Da world shall bow at our paws!

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Must not call the porno hotline, must not call the porno hotline.
*beep* You have 3 new messages. Message 1: Honey, you're not right for me. Let's have a divorce. This is Kerry. *beep*
Crap. She lied about those wedding vows!
Message 2 *beep* :This is the porno club, stop stealing towels! *beep*.
Come on, give me atleast one good message!
...........*beep* you have won the lottery! Oh, sorry, wrong number *beep*..........

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
I don't feel so good. UGH!
Don't play dumbass with me. It was my best friend that got those chicken nuggets shoved up his ass.
Memories of when I was a little shit..............
By the tone in your voice it sounds like one of your testicles has exploded. Maybe both.
13 years ago..........
Come on, son. It's bedtime.
Shut the fuck up!

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Whoa! My mind id telling me that this is some wonderful dream! My sister is finally in a porno magazine! Whoa.
I came to say sorry about the chicken nugget thing, Joseph.
Why should I forgive you? I spent a week in hospital to get them pulled out. The blade slipped and ripped my nuts open!
You're gonna forgive me or I'll slit your throat.
HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!
You're an ass!!

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Butch, have you seen Joseph anywhere?
No, he might be shagging sheep at Weathermoore field. He does it every sunday.
Yeah, I guess.
It's alright. My dad tought me to treasure my friends.........*cough*.
I can't believe he actually fell for that..............

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
What's going on here? Ah, I see. You killed this man didn't you, Butch?
Just becuase I have a knife it doesn't mean that I murdered that guy. There's even a witness.
Did you see this man murder Charles Asschicken tonight?
Yes, it was horrible. His guts spilled everywhere.
That's a lie! She killed him and handed me the knife when I passed by with my dog!
Miss Humble, you're under arrest for the murder of Charles Asschicken. Anything you say will go as evidence against you in court.

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Mr Kennedy, what where you doing before the death of Chales Asschicken?
Walking my pathetic dog in the cemetry. It was shitting everywhere.
Well, how come you had the knife in your hand when Officer Dickwod entered the scene?
Because that mad old bitch over there handed me the knife when I didn't know what was going on.
We find the defendent not guilt but gay with a serious ass licking problem.
Yes! Everything is true apart from the ass licking thing and I'm not gay.

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Oh, shit. Not you.
Give me a cheese burger and shove the cheese up your ass.
That wasn't appropiate. I'm gonna have to call security.
You can't 'cause I ran them over with my Hummer when I drove in. Shove the cheese up your ass or die.
This is even more painful than it looks! It's burning my anus!!
That looks really bad. Make sure you don't get that shit-stuff on the burger or bun.

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Why are you reading a gay porn magazine, Richard?
Do you ever knock before you enter the house.
That's a shocker. You're not sleeping in the same room as me.
Why not?
All it takes is for you to poke your dick in my ear when I'm sleeping. Your sleeping in the dog's shit-filled bed that I forgot to clean.
Well, what am I gonna do with the box of gay porn that I've been saving since I was six?

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Shit! There's only one bed in this Hotel room.
I have no problem with sharing. I'm got the gay version of the Kama Sutra in my suitcase.
Shut up, Gayboy.
I can't belive you don't like man-on-man, Butch.
I'm outta here!!
Bye, baby.

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
What are you doing here? Who are you?
Think back to 13 years ago when you turned me down at the zoo.
13 years ago at the zoo................
Do you want to go and see the pretty kangaroo, Butch?
I suppose.
The kangaroo looks like grampa's ass!
*sob*

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Today at the petrol station my wife drank a whole litre of diesel. She had to go to the doctors and I never saw her since.
The same thing happened two years ago to me.
I've never went to sleep since. I cry every night until I look like I pissed the bed.
I did the same thing apart from the fact that I really did piss the bed and it was my pillow that was covered in tears. I--
You just squashed my best friend, Asshole!
Shit! My new jeans'll be covered in squirrel shit and guts!

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
Hi, Mick the vet, Mr Tinkles is having a problem with getting his shit out.
Hand him over and I'll take care of the shitty problem.
Shit. My ass is itchy again.
What the fuck did you do, Mick? That man is in the waiting room, now. You have to stop pretending to have experience when you get new jobs!
I fancy Brad Pitt's goldfish.

 

by JonProctor
4-21-05
And now, Mrs Fletcher's class will do a paly for you. Presenting, you're children.
Hey, Mister. I can't find my left testicle. It fell down the toilet when I was on the shitter.
That might be what hit me in the head when the drain pipe exploded. It knocked me out and I woke up here.
Psssst. Stick to the script.
Fuck you, old lady. It's not my fault that you're shagging the janitor!

 

by JonProctor
4-26-05
..........so I formed a band and we got quite far.
What happened? Why aren't you still in a kick ass band?
I threw my guitar into the crowd and it hit someone in the head. I got the sack for that.
That was you?! You killed my brother!
Gotta go!
HEY!!

 

by JonProctor
4-26-05
To be or not to be is the last words of Seymour Butts. His ass was fruit flavoured.
I agree. This letter explains the reason why the old lady at the front is having it with the janitor.
It's kinda like the principal. He had a dog and it got took away by the RSPCA 'cause he wouldn't leave it's ass alone.
That's awful, Phil. That's put awful images in my head!
Damn! I should have rehearsed this!
CALL 911!!

 

by JonProctor
4-26-05
Who the hell are you?
Your Aunty Anus.
I don't have an Aunty Anus!
I know.
Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause you'd make me leave and I don't want to. I only came to sleep in your washing machine again.

 

by JonProctor
4-29-05
Helena. You are so fucking awesome.
Thanks. I've been working on my hair all day.
I'm not talking about you. I mean the new MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE song. Screw you arsehole!!
Who's Helena?
.........
I got shit all over the dining rug. Fuck you.

 

by JonProctor
5-10-05
Hi, Mike. Is your project on lowering speed limits done?
No. My wife took away my internet 'cause I was looking up por- - importan buisness work.
Your wife sounds like a real bitch.
No she isn't, Fucker!
Whoa! He has an expensive MP3 player!

 

by JonProctor
5-10-05
Brains.
That's something you don't have.
B-b-brains. *groan*
Hold on your not a pedestrian!
Eat that ass-chicken with supreme sauce and salt too!

 

by JonProctor
7-11-05
What the fuck's the passphrase?
Yer Mam!
Don't talk about me mother!
Ow!
I should've changed it a long time ago. FUCK!!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
World War III was at large, and Mona had a plan..................
Where the fuck's my razor?!
Why would you need a razor, honey? You like fine as you are!
............her thick husband was the only thing that let her down.............and her looks...............
Look around you, motherfucker! There's a gang of killers, killing our beloved friends.
I'm the only one with the code. I'll go and get it.
On his way for the razor, Cletus was shot by Hitler's son, Rico Hitler.
We have a man down!!
SHIT!!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
My mommy says that vegetables make you big and strong.
All I eat is vegetables and look at me!
What's your name?
Mr Shitface. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go around the world with me but- -
Fuck yeah!
Great let's go!!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Where are we, Mr Shitface?
A place called Shitville. It's very close to pissville.
I've never heard of it. What is it's main attraction?
It would have to be the leaning tower of Shit.
What's shit?
Lumps of chocolate with fudge in the middle.

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Who are you?
Your guide who will lead you through Anusville.
This is where David Beckham shagged Lorraine Kelly.
Whoa!
..........and this is where Kurt Cobain commited suicide.
Wow! One question, have you seen a little girl that's no bigger than a pint glass?

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
I think I saw her at the cinema before I came to you, watching porn baster 2.
Oh, shit!
Meanwhile at the cinema...................
Do you know what flavour that lolly pop is that the woman's sucking?
Um.......are you eighteen?
I wanna taste lumps of shit.
What a fucking weirdo!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Anna, there you are!
.........so I have a pussy? I thought I had a cock.
Come on!
What a weird family.
Sorry about that.
It's alright. I pity you for letting her eat her own dhit and watch porn.

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Dude, there was this weird family at Porn Basters 2 last night.
Really?
Oh, no.
Asshole!
Don't talk about me!!!
Kick his ass, Mr Shitface!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Hi, Lola. Um.......I was wondering if we could come to my place tonight after a few drinks.
*crackle* That would be fine. I *crackle* have sex with you, tonight.
Really? I'll wear my best suit to have sex with you.
*crackle* what are you talking about? I said *crackle* don't want to *crackle* with you!
You don't want to come out with me?
*crackle* I do want to come out with you! It's just I can't have *crackle* with you!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Explain it properly!
I want to come out with you! I just don't want to *crackle* sex with you!
Oh, now I understand!
What's wrong, are you *crackel* def?!
No, it's cause my speakerphone is a pile of shit!!
*crackle* oh. *crackel* *beep*

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Hello, Lola. You look wonderful tonight. Sorry about the speakerphone.
It's okay. My speaker phone is shit too. I thought you said you wanted to have sex with me.
I'll be back in a minute.
Okay. I'll wait here.
Outside
What the-- Your supposed to cover me when I'm in trouble. Now your drunk!!
Where am I? Oh, hi, mom!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
I'm back and I'm ready to shag!
You seem a little different, Bret.
Be normal, Lewis.
Wanna see my cock?
5 minutes later outside
Shithead! Don't mess up my date!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
I'm back, Lola.
You're acting like a jerk, tonight.
Oh, right. How's your steak?
Great. I'm finished already.
I need a shit, bro.
Fuck off!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Will you go home before I break you legs!
I can't help it. There's something about Lola that turns me on.
I'm lucky aren't I? She's mine.
Not exactly. Your name isn't on her.
That means fuck all!
Plus, she likes me better. She looks bored with you but looks excited with me.

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Why does my brother have to fuck every date I have up?
It souns like you have a problem with your twin. He is all about sex. You're all about shit.
I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed.
Ta ta, shithead.
FUCK!!
Oh, yes!!!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
What are-- my date!! Lola!
Chill, bro. It's gonna be okay!
Fuck off!
Okay. Horny boy.
How could you?!
We've always competed against eachother. I always win. Face it!!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Hey, she ain't yours. Your name isn't on her.
Actually I written it on with a perminent marker. Oh, and she's getting it tattoo'd on her arm.
Fuck you!
Same to you, asswipe!
At the bar
Fuck Bret!
Who's Bret?

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Brian, I'm so goddamn depressed tonight.
Why's that?
Psssssst. Come with me. *giggle*
Later that night
SHIT!!!
Give it to me, bitch!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Lola, will you make me the happiest fuckface on the planet?
What?
Will you marry me?
Um.......sure.....whatever.
Fucker!
Shut the fuck up!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Priest: Do you Lewis Anusbot take Lola Bell-end to be your lawful wedded wife? Lola same question name's reversed?
Fuck yeah!
Let me think.
He's very good in bed, he's lazy. Hmmmmmm. He's sexy and the only thing that let's him down would have to be his dick-size.
Hurry up, bitch!
I d-d-d-d-d-do. Wait! Ummmm. No. Wait.......yeah!

 

by JonProctor
7-31-05
Hi, Betsy! Damn, it's been a while. I haven't seen you since high school!
Wow, Bret! Damn, you're sexy!
Betsy, I've always thought you were sexy. I love you. Wanna go out with me?
Yeah, I feel the same way about you. I l-l-love you.
Fuck me, Bret!
Betsy, baby, Betsy. I love you!

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
Brad, I think that FIFA Street whoops FIFA 2005 by a long country mile.
Who gives a fuck? The dark prince himself has ice powers and he'll be here in five minutes to use them on me.
FUCKER!!
SHIT!!
*scoff* cool!
Yeah, this sucks!

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
Ha, ha! You're still frozen?!
Yeah and it fucking sucks!
I don't feel so good. Oh, no!
What?
HELP!!
I'm cured!

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
This is more shitty than it looks, Brad.
Tell me about it, you look like a fucking lizard!
Tell me about it. But, look around you. I destroyed the fucking city!
Yeah, I noticed that too. You're an asshole, Bret!
It's not my fault. I was born this way!
No you weren't! You were your normal self a few seconds ago!!

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
Hi, what's your name?
I'm trying to watch the fucking game!
Do you like my £300 shirt?
No.
Will you even look at me?
Shut up!

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
Listen, I'm in this gang called the fuck-abouts and I was wondering if--
Ref, are you fucking blind?!
Where did he go?
5 minutes later
If I give you these packets of crisp will you shut up?!
Wanna be in my gang? We're called the Fuck-Abouts.

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
......any questions about Phillip?
Is he gay?
Does he smoke dope?
What are his qualifications?
1 hour later............
What is his age?
Is he someone who needs to be bagged like Michae- - I mean booze?

 

by JonProctor
8-01-05
Son, I want you to end your relationship with Betsy. I don't trust her.
You're just pissed with me 'cause of my skin colour. It's not my fault you fucked with a black and white woman!
What's wrong Bret?
My dad wants me to stop seeing my girlfriend, Betsy.
I saw he's full of shit.
Me too!

 

by JonProctor
8-02-05
Yo, Brad! How's it going?
Fine, I suppose. Satan's always on my back, though!
Fuck you!
See what I mean?
I'm gonna burn this joint!
N-n-no. I c-c-an't p-pay for i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ii-i-i-it........shit!!

 

by JonProctor
8-02-05
Bartender: no!!!

Showing page 3.

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