All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17
Good evening, Mr. Chen, may I take your order?
Shark fin soup with fry rice, to go prease.

 

by Moturd
3-19-17
Shark fin soup. That's a real delicacy. We'll have it right out, Sir.
Yeah, It nice to be at top of the food chain! We eat what we want. Heh heh

 

Chen, what happened to you?
Stupid Cthuru
by Moturd, 3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-22-17
A Streetcar Na_ed Desire                  Title
Kevin, you get another $600 and solve the puzzle just by giving me the last letter
K?
I'm sorry, Kevin, there are only two letters in the English language that fit, and you chose the wrong one.
No! I said Que? Like in "What?" Cause I didn't hear you. Que? What? Que? See? C'mon Pat, help me out.

 

by Moturd
3-22-17
Austin TX --
A 27 year old Anatomy teacher can't stop smiling after being accused of having sex with a 17 year old male student
Just the facts, ma'am
In other news, a 17 year old high school student can't stop smiling after telling his buddies he banged their smoking hot Anatomy teacher

 

by Moturd
3-23-17
A Jewish Israeli teenager was arrested for making more than a hundred bomb threats to Jewish Community Centers in the US, New Zealand and Autstralia
So, this is yet another case of a minority member attacking minority groups to make it look like the bad old white man did it
Jane, you ignorant slut...
Middle aged white men, tired of their lifelong role as society's whipping boy, are giving up on life and killing themselves in ever greater numbers
In other news, a white Baltimore man was arrested today after he traveled to New York City, committed a racially motivated killing and intended many more...
Phew! And not a moment too soon, Dan. I was beginning to question my own liberal values.

 

by Moturd
4-07-17
Where's that damned falafel I ordered? Whatever happened to 30 minutes or free!
I'll take care of it, Mr. President. They'll be more respectful next time. I guarantee it.
Syria --
Holy fuck!
Tomorrow I want to try that new place, Kim's Korean BBQ
I'll ready the nuclear launch codes, Sir.

 

by Moturd
4-15-17
I swear I don't understand women.
What is wrong Mahmoud?
My wife, she doesn't love me and rejects my authority.
Start by talking to her. Use her parents as an example of how she should treat and respect you.
I did! I cut their heads off in front of her.
And she still doesn't love you? I guess I don't understand women either.

 

by Moturd
4-15-17
Yes, Mamoud, why are you here?
Supreme Leader, I come to you for your wise advice.
It's not that 'murdering innocents is wrong' thing again, is it? I thought we worked past that.
No, Master. It's my wife. We have nothing in common. All she does is play with dolls.
She just wants a baby. Get her pregnant.
That's not possible. It will be years before she begins menstruating.

 

by Moturd
4-16-17
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Candy-gram
We don't have candy-gram in afghanistan
Pizza delivery
I didn't order pizza

 

by Moturd
4-16-17
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Land Shark
You wouldn't tell me you are a land shark if you were really a land shark.
MOAB
MOAB!!!!!

 

by Moturd
4-21-17
ISIS HQ --
What is that high pitched whistling?
Revelations 20:1-3 And I saw an angel come down from Heaven and he sealed Satan in the bottomless pit, and shut him up for a thousand years, and sealed him in so that he could deceive no more.
Did anyone bring Parcheesi? I think we are going to be in here for a long, long time.

 

by Moturd
5-06-17
CNN Live --
I'm here at the capital with a man who lost both his son and wife to Chinese battery powered toy explosions.
And I hold no grudges against them. May their sweatshop built merchandise flood our markets for years to come.
Then you don't support President Trump's ban, even though it keeps out toys made from recycled Galaxy Note 7 parts?
Absolutely not. In fact if Trump had just continued the policies of his predecessor, none of this would have happened. It's all his fault.
How so?
If Trump had continued taxing Apple out of business then poor Samsung would not have been forced to recycle those defective parts to compete.

 

by Moturd
5-20-17
Anderson Cooper reports:
Donald Trump's popularity dropped even further today after he personally rescued a baby from a burning building...
...but it was unclear whether the child will grow up to be a homophobic, racist mass murderer.
Check it out, everybody! I took a dump on my desk.

 

by Moturd
5-23-17
You should totally go to the Ariana Grande concert tonight, little girl. Please take this free ticket.
Gee thanks, Mister!
You may wonder why I am going to blow up an Ariana Grande concert ...
since she says she hates Americans and America.
But I heard Heaven is running low on virgins to reward martyrs with...
so I figure I'll bring my own supply.

 

by Moturd
5-30-17
The Charging Bull 1989
Fearless Girl 2016
Pissing Puppy 2017

 

by Moturd
5-31-17
One large combo meal with a diet Sprite. That will be $8.58. Would you like to use your smart phone to pay digitally?
Why would anyone do that?! It abstracts currency encouraging us to spend more than we make, and enables faceless corporations to track every whim and movement...
which in turn allows the government spooks access to that very personal information! But cash is tangible, and its anonymous transactions maintain my privacy.
You get a 1% discount making your purchase only $8.50.
Oh. Well okay, then.

 

by Moturd
6-02-17
The Portland train stabber was ranting on the same train the day before.
But I like being a muslim because it scares white people
Why don't you take off your hijab and act American! Rant! Rant!
So his intention was not violence, despite being aggressive and rude.
I'd rather have a fight than let you say words at this girl! (plus I hope this is a hidden camera show)
Liberals are the worst kind of nazis! You only call it free speech if it's counter-culture! Rant!
But when 3 men provoke a deadly confrontation, the liberal media portray them as heroes.
Maybe I shouldn't have shoved him
Do something! Hit me again!

 

by Moturd
6-09-17
I don't know why everyone is giving Bill Cosby such a hard time. I met him once at an airport bar in Reno. I told him what a big fan I am...
Hey, hey, hey!
and that it's great how he can tell jokes without using profanity. He was a super nice guy. He gave me his autograph, bought me a beer...
Zip zop boopity bop!
I don't remember much after that... I woke up two days later in a motel room with a serious case of hemorrhoids. I must have really tied one on!

 

by Moturd
6-14-17
The irony is that if he had shot Hillary right after she
stole the nomination, Dems would have rallied together
and we'd be singing Hail to the Chief for Bernie Sanders
Hail to our leader, Hail to Bernie Sanders!
Hail to the one we selected as commander!

 

by Moturd
6-19-17
You know how they say that having unprotected sex is like sleeping with every person that person ever slept with?
I know, right? It's a big unknown. What kind of weird ugly freaks has this person exchanged bodily fluids with?
And for much the same reasons I never wear new underwear until they've gone through the wash at least once.
Right, I don't even want to imagine what those garment factory workers look like or what they've been doing with their hands.
Somewhere in Bangladesh...
Hee hee hee. It's like I'm rubbing my hands all over their junk.

 

by Moturd
6-22-17
It's so hot in England right now that some school boys, prohibited from wearing shorts, are wearing skirts in protest.
If the girls can be comfortable, we should be allowed too!
Fabulous!

 

by Moturd
6-22-17
And what do the school girls have to say about this?
If they get their way, us girls are going to stop wearing these hot sticky bras. It's not fair! The boys don't have to wear them!
Fabulous!
Fabulous!

 

by Moturd
6-22-17
Aren't you a little tall to be a garden gnome?
Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!
Professor Sprout, I'm ready for my fertilizer treatment!
Faith and Trust and Pixie Dust!
When a British family moved in next door, the Hendersons were terrified

 

by Moturd
6-25-17
I kept getting spam from a phychic who said it was urgent I contact him for my free reading about an event that was going to change my life.
I got so sick of the constant spam I swore if I got one more I was going to track him down and kill him.
I haven't heard from him since.

 

by Moturd
6-27-17
I say, old chap, I think perhaps you ought to dodge for cover as I seem to have failed to negotiate this roundabout!
Wot a loveleh, loveleh deh for a Guiness stout.
Wot the bloody 'ell was that? I very nearly lost me life!

Now, to see about that pint.
Barkeep! Lager here, and make it a Harp. I think I was meant to be holding one today.

 

by Moturd
6-28-17
The Business Consultant
Gentlemen, I've examined your operation and prepared my recommendations.
You can increase your profits 100% by following these very simple instructions.
It requires no research and development.
No changes to design or tooling.
And you can easily double the price customers will pay for your products.
Just add "Gaming" to all of your product names.

 

by Moturd
7-07-17
Record
I declare today for the world to hear that the West will never, ever be broken. Our values will prevail.
Yay! Woohoo!
Breaking
Our people will thrive. And our civilization will triumph. So, together, let us all fight like the Poles
Woot! Woot!
Crowds
for family, for freedom, for country, and for God.
Przepraszam. Poszedłem za znakami. Czy to gdzie dadzą darmowe jedzenie?

 

by Moturd
7-08-17
The Liberal Plan
I have here a sack of M&M's and you can have as many as you want, but a small fraction of them are filled with cyanide.
Mmmm I love M&M's. Give me lots. Just pour them directly into my mouth. Nom nom nom
Want some more? Mrs. Clinton?
The Trump Plan
I have here a sack of M&M's and you can have as many as you want, but a small fraction of them are filled with cyanide.
Then I'll take a few Reese's Pieces but absolutely no M&M's.

 

by Moturd
7-08-17
Computerized Office Company's Boardroom
So by merely adding the word "gaming" to our product names we can double our profits?
Absolutely guaranteed!
But our top products are keyboard vacuums. How does that relate?
With crumbs and dust no longer clogging the input device, gameplay is synergized. Boom! Moar headshotz!
Hmmmm... Well C.O.C. Gaming Suckers does have a certain ring to it.
Now, about my consulting fee...

 

by Moturd
7-16-17
I am declaring next week to be Made in America Week to champion the American worker and highlight the fine craftsmanship of products made in this country.
This coming from a man whose companies sell items which were made overseas. Ha!
Now you criticize his encouraging people to buy American, which you claim won't benefit him, but does benefit American workers?
Uh... I'm going to have to think about that before I respond...
Was that a "Death to America" bumper sticker I saw on your car this morning?

 

by Moturd
7-18-17
Minneapolis P.D. --
Why'd you shoot that lady?
Sheer habit. In Somalia we always shoot women that report rapes.
You'd better say you were startled by something, like a loud sound.
I WAS startled by a loud sound. That was the loudest fart I ever heard.
I didn't fart. It's those leather seats in the patrol car! Every time I scooch my butt around a little it does that.
Well it sounded like a machine gun to me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

by Moturd
7-20-17
Actual quotes from OJ's parole hearing
Nobody's ever accused me of pulling a gun on them
I'm a straight shooter
Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman wish to testify
We never said you stabbed us with a gun, you dick!

 

by Moturd
7-20-17
O.J. is a free man again
Now that I am a free man again it is time to make good on my promise to catch the real killer using a web site I built to collect anonymous tips.
The address is http slash slash Nicole back slash Ron Goldman... escape
It's best to use Microsoft Edge. That is one sharp browser. The others just don't seem to cut it.

 

by Moturd
7-26-17
Let's all give a big hand to Snaebjorn the Guileless!
A priest, a nun, and a viking walk into a bar...
The viking rapes the nun while the priest begs for his life. Then he stabs the priest and cuts off his fat fingers to take a gold ring.

 

by Moturd
7-26-17
Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf
There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!
We welcome the invaders so we can slaughter them and hit them with our shoes
Normally I'd never consider a non-American but only two people applied for the job so you're in the running by default.
The infidels are commiting political suicide by the hundreds on Russian collusion!
Make it sound sincere or I'll fire you and give it to the other guy, one Theodore Ruxpin.

 

by Moturd
7-31-17
Colonel Snippet, what is your recommendation on transexuals in the military?
I recommend free surgery and lifetime hormone therapy for every soldier that feels gender confused.
But that's like 1% of everyone and we have 2 Million soldiers. That's a lot of sex change operations!
Which will give me the experience I need to resign my commission and start a high end private practice.
It cuts too deep into our Defense budget. I can't just give every soldier one bullet and expect them to defend the free world.
It worked for Barney Fife!

 

by Moturd
8-04-17
I was once unemployed for over a year.
At first I refused to consider anything that I considered a step down, but after a while I became more open to new professional opportunities.
"Make up to $10 per hour selling your kidneys"
Sounds legit.

 

by Moturd
8-06-17
J.K. Rowling apologizes...
I apologize for using my celebrity status to spread fake news by tweeting a doctored video exploiting a disabled child...
and for calling Donald Trump a 'monster of narcissism who values only himself'. I guess I was wrong.
The unedited footage shows President Trump kneeling to greet the boy and speaking to him directly.
Hello there Johnny, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...
...and that is the story of how I became a multi-billionaire and the most powerful man in the world, then saved Western Civilization single-handedly.

 

by Moturd
8-07-17
I'm the new Vice President of Diversity, Integrity & PC Bullshit. Why'd they send you to my office?
Because I wrote a paper calling for free thought and open discussion about gender and political bias at Google.
But those are the words we always use for our politically correct crusades. Why would you be in trouble for that?
Because I took an evidence-based approach and it doesn't support your leftist ideology.
WHAAAAAAT!!! Now you did it, little man. You just opened a whole can of whoopass!

 

by Moturd
8-07-17
* Official google stance
"Google’s Ideological Echo Chamber" is nothing more than a sexist, racist, homophobic screed.*
No, it's not at all. Please, for God's sake, just read it.
News flash: You don't get to have an opinion. You're a straight, white, cis-gendered male.
I made footnotes referencing facts and scientific evidence.
I'm going to make footnotes... on your face! Hiiiyaaaaahhh!

 

by Moturd
8-11-17
Visited a friend in Silicon Valley for a few months, tried Internet dating there.
Hi, I'm Mike.
I'm Laquishia.
So what's your favorite software development methodology? I lean toward Agile using 4GL tools, myself.
Lolz! whut? I'm not even sure what you just said.
But your profile says you are a Chief Product Development Manager for a major software company.
That's right. I work at Google! I think we make iPhones or something.

 

by Moturd
8-12-17
Another blind date in SV
You must be Mike. I'm Liu-Wen.
There is some mistake. I'm meeting a woman here: successful software engineer, multimillion dollar home overlooking the ocean, owns Ferraris...
Yeah that's me. I self-identified as female. Don't worry, I'm not really trans. I'm just looking for a sham husband to bolster my career prospects at Google.
You mean I could live in your mansion, drive your sports cars, not have to work, but I wouldn't actually have to do any gay stuff?
Once a year. Birthday sex is in the pre-nup.

 

by Moturd
8-17-17
Attention Earthlings living along a geodesic path extending from Salem Oregon to Charleston South Carolina!
In three days time our Zaxxonian God will display his displeasure with you by making your sun disappear.
The only way to appease him and bring back your lifegiving orb is to send your most attractive females to us for anal probing and insemination.
I just love screwing with these primitive cultures.
Hey I just thought of something! We should launch a microscopic black hole into their sun to make it actually go dark!
OMG! That would be hilarious. They would totally crap their pants.

Showing page 3.

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