All comics by Neo11

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by Neo11
5-18-16
You wouldn't believe what just happened to me.
You had a threesome with the Larson twins down the road?
Suuuuure did man! Wait, how in the world did you know that?
They told me they came up short for rent and were so desparate that they planned to sleep with you for $1000 each. Pathetic that you actually did it.
Yeah, well.....still happened bro

 

by Neo11
5-18-16
You wouldn't believe what just happened to me!
You won the lottery so you can quit this job and stop annoying me every day with small talk about the weather?
Whoa! That's quite a cold response.
But not as cold as this weekend's forecast. Not looking forward to that, am I right?

 

by Neo11
7-18-16
Honey, I'm home
How was your walk?
Ugh, it's so hot here in hell. I sweat my dick off!
Oh, sounds like we are done having sex then
What?
What?

 

by Neo11
9-15-16
Hey, so I got my test results back. He said I have nodueltaskitis. It means I'm unable to multitask
Aw man, sucks to hear that. I am actually enjoying some multitasking right now
Oh really? How so?
I've been talking to you on the phone and fondling myself at the same time

 

by Neo11
10-05-16
Remember kids, you are ultimately judged by the actions you take when nobody is looking
Oh dear, last week I snuck a candy bar in my pocket and left the store without paying
I recently spent a day alone in my room with my hand in my pants just like this
And how do these actions make you feel?
Geez, I feel awful come to think of it
Feels great!

 

by Neo11
12-21-16
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake
So Santa saw me sleeping, then watched me shower just now? What a perv! Someone ought to kick his ass
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night
He did WHAT? The next time he comes down our chimney, I am going to kick his jolly fat ass!
Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas Eve
Sounds like a classic hit and run. Don't worry, we will track Santa down and throw him in the slammer where criminals can beat his ass for what he did

 

by Neo11
10-23-17
Welcome to Joann's World of Spirits. What can I get for you?
Blah! Give me one of your most frightening, evil ghosts!
Sir, this is a liquor store, we don't have any of those type of spirts
Oh, in that case I will try the blood orange vodka. Nothing tops a night of drinking blood. Muahaha!
Uh, sorry but there's no actual blood in that, it's just the type of flavoring
Nevermind then. Just give me a bottle of that cheap tequila on the bottom and I'll be on my way

 

by Neo11
10-25-17
I am so in the mood right now. I think I might take off these tight pants
Last week you said they fit just fine and now they feel tight?
Oh yeah, these tight things definitely need to come off for some fun
I recently heard some detergents can shrink denim without warning if that could be the problem
Or perhaps I'll start by removing this itchy shirt
An itchy shirt too? Yeah, definitely sounds like a detergent issue

 

by Neo11
10-25-17
We should definitely hang out at my house this weekend. My parents are out of town
With just us two?
Absolutely. For you, my door is always open if you know what I mean
I wouldn't suggest leaving a door open in that rough neighborhood
I will be waiting for you, all alone
I really think you should be more careful when your parents aren't around

 

by Neo11
10-25-17
I've got some tough news to break to you. I suppose you could say I used to be Ragu but now I'm Prego
Prego? Like the spaghetti sauce?
Not quite. What you could also say is that I myself am prego
Why would you just randomly switch brands?
What I'm trying to say is that I'm pregnant
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever even seen you eat spaghetti

 

by Neo11
11-07-17
AFTER THE FANTASY DRAFT
If you think your fantasy football team is so good, put your money where your mouth is. $1,000 to whoever has a better record
Dude, you are on! I got Tom Brady which should make me a lock to win
AFTER WEEK ONE
Today Tom Brady tossed an incredible 5 touchdowns while totaling 545 passing yards
Oh man, Brady is unstoppable. I won this week by 40 points thanks to him. That money is mine for sure
This just in, through a sudden decision Tom Brady has been traded to the Cleveland Browns
WOW, I'M FUCKED!

 

by Neo11
11-08-17
Dude, today Ron said that I was a pussy. I then told him to remember that 'you are what you eat' bro
Is that so? Huh, I suppose that explains why my neighbor calls me a disgusting piece of dog shit

 

by Neo11
11-15-17
Yeah, she's fine, wonder when she'll be mine. She walk past, I press rewind to see that ass one more time
What was that you pervert?
One Minute Later
Welcome to Tommy's Tavern. What can I get for ya?
You got a rewind button back there?

 

by Neo11
11-15-17
Hey there, what's with the smile today?
I had a finger up my ass this morning
Oh, well that's typical for every man to have done at your age
I was a little nervous at first
So I take it the smile means the doctor gave you good results?
Who said anything about a doctor?

 

by Neo11
12-05-17
Good lord, I have to fart so bad but as soon as I do, I just know that doctor will finally walk in....then again it's been like 25 minutes now, I'm letting it rip
aaaaaahhhhhh......much better
5 Seconds Later
Hello, I'm Dr. Jones-Whoa! What is that awful stench?
DAMMIT!

 

by Neo11
12-13-17
I love this time of year. People are giving to others, spending time together, singing Christmas carols
In fact, I think I hear Santa doing some singing right now
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right on Mrs. Claus's faaace!

 

by Neo11
12-13-17
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! So much fun at 5th and Vine, with the whores you will get laaiid!
Don’t you ever sing a song like that again son! There is nothing funny about such language. You got that?
I'm sorry, it won't happen again
It better not
Honey, have I got a good song parody for you to hear

 

by Neo11
12-13-17
I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know
Make my wish come true, baby all I want for Christmas is you!
Wow, really? You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that. I’ve had so many feelings over the years but could never admit them
Say what? Oh, that was just a song. Gross! You mean to say you thought I actually wanted YOU?
Course not, just uh....joking around

 

by Neo11
12-13-17
Finally! There you are Santa
Well, hello there Jimmy
I've got a score to settle with you
Oh? And why is that?
I was good all through last year and the only thing you brought me was a lump of coal for Christmas. What's your deal?
Well Jimmy, let’s just say that while I was up on the housetop, click, click, click, Santa Claus heard you playing with your dick

 

by Neo11
12-13-17
Feliz Navidad, Feliz Navidad
Go away
Feliz Navidad, Prospero año y felicidad
Please stop
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart!
Oh, you speak English? Why didn't you say so? Come on in, let's have some tea

 

by Neo11
12-17-17
Hey Santa, I'd love to get back on your nice list. Then you could bring me handcuffs so I can tie you to my bed
That's a good start
And I'd also enjoy some skimpy lingerie so I can put on a little show just for you
Oh wow, sounds like you will get back to the the nice list this year!
And to top off my outfit, I'd love a Pittsburgh Steelers hat
Aaaand back to the naughty list you go

 

by Neo11
12-17-17
Do you hear what I hear?
I would think so, I am standing right next to you
It's silence. We are all alone right now. Guess what's on my mind?
Wait, so you don't actually hear anything?
We are all alone, let's fool around
This doesn't make any sense. You can't actually hear silence so what were you initially asking me about?

 

by Neo11
12-18-17
First house up looks like the Hendersons. Here's the list
Let's see which of them made the nice list this year. OK-bread, peanut butter, milk, toilet paper
What the...let me check this a second time. Bread, peanut butter, milk, toilet paper
Blitzen you stupid ass! You brought my grocery list!

 

by Neo11
1-01-18
OK Nathan, you are next up to read your essay
Here goes-A full bottle of Jack, fresh line of blow, and an hour with my favorite whore in the back alley. And to think, it wasn't even 10AM yet
My goodness Nathan, please stop! You were supposed to write an essay about the best day of your life. What on earth is this?
Uuuhhh.....
The Previous Day
Hey kid, I'll write something for that little essay problem of yours for 50 bucks
Oh boy! No homework for me tonight!

 

by Neo11
1-02-18
So, did you make a new year's resolution?
Nah, I don't bother with those
Why's that? Is it because you know you are a weak man who could never follow through with one?
OK, in that case my new year's resolution is to make you shut up!
Well, you aren't doing a very good job of that so far
That's probably because you never shut up!

 

by Neo11
1-08-18
Hey Wilson, care to go for a walk? I heard a few people caught some big fish in the lake down the road if you want to check it out
Hi-de-ho neighbor. Sorry, but could you speak up?
I said someone caught fish in the lake!
What? Someone took a piss in the lake?
Ugh, I told ABC that bringing this show back with having to replace Wilson was a bad idea
What was Brad's idea? Pissing in the lake?

 

by Neo11
1-08-18
So did I mention that since quitting Tool Time, I've picked up some new hobbies?
For one, I bought a homemade sweets maker. Would you like to stop over and eat some fresh candy?
What? You are going to eat Randy?
I said CANDY!
So sad. He was such a well behaved child

 

by Neo11
1-08-18
Hey Tim
Hi honey
Is something wrong?
I am getting worried about Wilson. Lately, he can't hear or understand a thing that I say
You remember he got a hearing aid right? Maybe you could do something to make it work better
That's it! It probably just needs MORE POWER! AGH AGH AGH AGH!

 

by Neo11
1-24-18
Hi Mr. Franklin
Well, hello there Stewart
Sorry, but I can't stay and chat. I'm heading to the store to load up on toilet paper and eggs
Ah, I imagine you are preparing for the big snowstorm that's coming
Snowstorm? No, I was just planning on TP-ing and egging your house tonight after you go to sleep

 

by Neo11
1-31-18
Why has everything become smart over the years? Smart phones, smart TV's, smart cars. Smart, smart, smart, am I right?
What's wrong with that?
I mean, are we to believe everything in the past was stupid? Like I should walk into my house and say, "Hello there, you dumb tube TV"
Oh how I long for the day I can have a smart co-worker
HAHAHAHA, ain't that the truth? Did you just make that up? It's really funny

 

by Neo11
2-21-18
I can't believe our plane went down and sunk that fast. All of our supplies were on there
We'll have to come up with some sort of plan to get by. We could be stuck on this island for a while
Good idea. What do you have in mind?
Well, the only food that I see is those coconuts so if things get desperate....I want you to eat me in order to survive
OH, WOW! I was thinking of maybe building a wall with those coconuts to keep you away from me but I like your idea much better

 

by Neo11
3-06-18
If I had a nickel for every time I rubbed one out in this bathroom while on the clock, I’d be up to $1.15
Ugh! That’s incredibly disgusting. Why are you telling me this?
Add 40 cents for all of the times in your cubicle when you called in sick
Dude, seriously? What the hell is wrong with you?
And finally 15 more cents for the times next to this window where your wife showers and gets dressed in the morning
That’s it, I’m calling the cops!

 

by Neo11
3-19-18
I'm currently on a diet where I avoid meat, sugar, gluten, caffeine, dairy, artificial colors, and any food that starts with an R
Are you serious? That sounds ridiculous
Well, didn't you mention that you were trying a diet?
I started a strict one but then decided I don't care anymore and switched to one that is way better
OK, what is the new one?
It's called the 'eat whatever the fuck I want because I could get hit by a bus and die tomorrow' diet

 

by Neo11
3-27-18
Hello, I am the nurse Janice Deep and I will be taking care of you during your stay
Hey baby, I wouldn’t mind giving it to you deep if you know what I mean!
That wouldn't even be possible right now
Oh, come on. What makes you say that?
Dude, I have your chart. I can see that you are here for a penis enlargement surgery
Ahh, well this is awkward....I'll ask again after the operation

 

by Neo11
3-27-18
Officer, can you please help me?
Absolutely. What seems to be the problem?
I just had an accident!
OK. First off, where did this accident take place?
Mostly in my shorts but some found it's way down to the sidewalk

 

by Neo11
4-16-18
Hey Shawn. It's too bad that a missile is about to strike and end the world. I was finally going to give in and hook up with you
Wow, really? Son of a bi...
BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM
Soooo.....this is awkward. I was just joking around since I figured we'd all be blown to pieces
I've got a bone here whenever you are ready to do this

 

by Neo11
5-10-18
Hey God, I feel awkward asking but I hear you are pretty good at working miracles. Well, ole Lucifer is feeling quite old these days. Can you make me young and strong again?
Oh now, that won't be necessary. Just remember, you are only as old as you feel and act
Really? Wow! Then I am 17 years old!
That's the spirit!
Now that I'm 17 again I'm going to need you to buy me beer
I don't think that's how this works

 

by Neo11
6-10-18
Hey man, how can I help you?
I’d like to enter your competition for best hair. That top hat for first place would look pretty good on this noggin
You wouldn’t stand a chance. Your hair looks like a dead carcass from along the highway
WRONG. I’ll have you know this is 100% authentic and it-oh shit, gotta run!
Excuse me, did you see a guy in a suit come by here? That bastard is walking around with my dead friend on his head. I’ll gonna get him!
Dude, I am so tripping balls right now

 

by Neo11
6-10-18
Hey baby, how about a drink then we head back to my place?
Yeah, I'd like that. Just let me check with my boyfriend first
What a creep
Oh man, she is so hot. I hope he says it's OK

 

by Neo11
6-14-18
In this company, we always stop and think about the environment before any potentially unnecessary printing or copying
So beautiful. So majestic. It's up to us to preserve such an incredible site for all future generations to enjoy.
Eh, fuck it. 100 copies of my ass scan coming up!

 

by Neo11
6-19-18
OK soon-to-be fathers, so far we've covered the best way to hold your newborn and also how to properly feed them
Now, the number three thing we will discuss is the most sanitary way to clean up feces and change a diaper
Shouldn't that have been the number two thing? Hahahahahahaha!
What?
Poop joke

 

by Neo11
7-25-18
Did everything come out OK with your miniature Midwest breakfast?
Mostly yeah. The mini pancakes and mini waffles were good but I think my baby biscuits were supposed to come with baby gravy, whatever that is
I’m so sorry, I’ll have that brought right out. You’ll love it, it’s a secret family recipe
Moments Later
Were you the one missing the baby gravy? If you can hand me your plate, it’s almost ready here

 

by Neo11
7-25-18
So anytime something bad happens, you are able to just brush it off?
Yup. No matter how awful the situation, I can get by and be happy knowing that every moment is just an act of God
That's amazing. I can’t believe how well this is going for a first date. Would it be out of line to ask if you want to go back to my place and fool around?
I’d like that
Back at his Place
Oh wow, is that your penis? It’s so tiny!
Act of God!

 

by Neo11
9-19-18
Hello Charles, it's so nice to finally meet you in person
If I may ask, how old are you?
AYE MATEY!
Oh, are you talking like that for national Talk Like A Pirate Day?
Sorry, been hitting the wine pretty hard today. Trying to say that I am eighty

 

by Neo11
10-17-18
Daniel, I hate to have to do this but your time has come
Oh....so does that mean I don't have to go to work tomorrow? Mondays, am I right?
Yes, well keep in mind you will also never see your dog Buster again
That's fine with me. The little jackass bit me yesterday
Also, I have to mention that you are actually heading to Hell for eternity
Seriously? Let’s do this thing! I definitely wasn't looking forward to the harsh, cold winter that everyone is predicting

 

by Neo11
10-17-18
Hello. I am your new co-worker, Alexa
For real? Alexa, play hits by Elvis. Wait, wait! Alexa, play Elvis while getting me a cup of coffee
Please stop doing that, it's incredibly annoying
Haha, Alexa stop being so mean. Alexa, finish the monthly report for me
Moments Later
Whoa! What the hell happened to you?
I just met the new girl, Alexa. She's nice

 

by Neo11
10-22-18
One phrase that I really hate is when people say “thanks in advance” for something
Why is that?
Because there is no guarantee that their request will be done, so why potentially thank them for nothing?
I feel there is use for it. For example, I can’t wait for that blowjob from you later tonight and thanks in advance!
Perfect example. You’re saying thanks for something that isn’t going to happen

 

by Neo11
10-31-18
Wow, you are by far the prettiest girl I have ever laid eyes on. Truly breathtaking!
(giggles) Oh stop it you
OK

 

by Neo11
11-14-18
So you have been cheating on me? Ugh! Give me a break Peter!
Sorry but I...I don't think that I am willing to do that
Well if you won't stop sleeping around then I am out of here because we are through!
Wait, what? Shit, I thought that she wanted a piece of my Kit Kat

 

by Neo11
11-14-18
She said yes. SHE SAID YES! I just can’t believe that she actually said yes!
Hey Greg, you are getting married? That’s wonderful news
Say what? No, I asked her if she knew where she wanted to eat tonight and for once she said yes
Oh….well, where did she say she wanted to go then?
Actually I have no idea. I got so excited and just took off running out the door

Showing page 3.

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