All comics by PrimoOoze1138

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by PrimoOoze1138
4-18-05
Howdy, friends. It seems that the previous comic was Mr. Wade's 100th comic. So to celebrate...
...We're throwing him a Bat Mitzvah!
And coincidentally, a Bris too!
::whispers into Watson's ear::
Oh. Really? Well SOMEBODY's getting clipped today. Might as well get our money's worth outta that Rabbi.
And it sure as fuck ain't gonna be me!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
4-19-05
Dictum? Damn near killed 'em!
Dictum? Damn near killed 'em!
Dictum? Damn near killed 'em!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
6-05-05
Earlier today...
What can I do for you, my child?
Father, I've got something I need to ask you.
Very well, what would you like to know?
It's something I've been wondering for a long time, and nobody can ever give me a straight answer.
And what might that be?
If you bless the church's plumbing system, does that give you an unlimited supply of holy water?

 

by PrimoOoze1138
6-10-05
Off to the movies we shall go...
Yeah man, I'ma gonna see me that there Sisterhood of them Travelin' Britches. Self-walking pants, what'll they think of next?
Where we learn everything that we know.
A Coke costs how MUCH!?
Cuz the movies teach us what our parents don't have time to say.
That's right, asshole! A fuckin' medium root beer!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
6-14-05
You might want to talk to him. See if he's ok.
Oh come on. You know him, he loves acting like that. Makes him feel individual.
Meanwhile...
I can smell his fear, mommy. It smells like bacon!
Yeah, but this time I think he's finally stumbled over that line where 'shitballs' doesn't quite describe him anymore.
Hmm...maybe I should check in on him.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
6-14-05
Not this guy again.
Hey, look at me. I'm Brad Pitt. I was in Fight Club, ya know. And The Mexican. I'm famous.
Yeah. Ok. Can I go now?
Not until you answer me this, shithole. Didja like my new flick? You know, the one where I kicked the shit outta that chick from that Beyond Borders movie?
Actually no. Your acting is nothing more than mugging for the camera and the only good part of that film was when you blew up your house.
Well...I make more money than you do. And I get to fuck famous people. Whaddaya say to that, huh? Asshole.

 

When does summer end?
by PrimoOoze1138, 6-17-05

 

by PrimoOoze1138
6-18-05
You think we'll ever get off this ruttin' island?
Meh...
It's the author's feeling that this single not-a-word needs be obliterated from our language.
Evenin' sir. Care for some more wine?
Meh...
Whoa now, I was a good Christian. I shouldn't be in Hell. Was there something I did wrong?
Meh...

 

by PrimoOoze1138
6-23-05
So basically what you're saying is that the only way to stop AIDS is to start up a Final Solution of sorts?
Exactly. Thing is, Hitler already played that card.
Yeah, and we're only allowed to play the justifyable genocide card once per civilization.
Yup. We'll just have to wait til after the next nuclear fallout.
Please note, the author is not an Anti-Semite, though he makes a good point.
But then AIDS will be gone.
Damn you, Hitler!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
7-01-05
So your plan for decreasing the Earth's population is by shooting China into orbit?
In a nutshell, yes.
Ok, do you realize that in doing so, not only would the seas collapse into the hole, but also it would meet magma, which would steam-cook the Earth?
Yeah, so?
So we'd all become steamed shrimp.
::Holds up fingers:: No man, shrimp are like this big...

 

by PrimoOoze1138
7-09-05
Little kids want everything.
So, you want butter on that popcorn?
Yeah! Lotsa sauce! Lotsa sauce! Can I have some M&Ms too? I want the pink ones! Whoa, Twizzlers! I want those too!
Southerners will buy anything you try to sell to them.
We have a special this month on Nerds Ropes. Buy one, get one free.
I'll take two!
After 4,000 times, the "Rent" trailer is like an evil enema for your ears.
"Five hundred, twenty five thousand..." Gah, get the numbers outta my head!
WHY DOES IT BURN!?!?!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
7-17-05
Black people are the only ones who freak out over how much stuff costs.
...An' some nachos, an' a blue Icee, an' a M&M's bag...
But they never do it before, or even while they're ordering...
An' two hotdogs -- ya'll got mustard anywhere?...An' a drink.
No, they do it once you tell them how much all that crap they bought costs together.
Ok, sir, that comes to $18.50.
Daaaamn, dog! You gotta be shittin' me! That's bullshit, but I'll pay anyway.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
8-13-05
Welcome back to the Honors Dorm. New specimens at every turn. Adventure awaits!
What's happenin', bitches?!
Hi.
Shh. We're observing the freshmen in their natural habitat.
Kooky.
It's so weird. It's like some strange new breed of lemur or something.
Did you just say that?

 

by PrimoOoze1138
8-13-05
From afar, the college freshman is just like you and me...
Hey guys, what's going on?
Not much, friend. How's life treatin' ya?
I had calamari once.
Giggidy-goo, what's up wit chu?!
But up close, the subjects become far less intelligable than one might think possible.
B-Boys makin' wit da freak freak
Squeeee....

 

by PrimoOoze1138
8-19-05
"Congratulations on the purchase of your very own Alan-Rickman-Tron!"
"You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?"
"With this new, astounding device, you can have the sardonic wit of Mr. Alan Rickman day and night!"
"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed."
Geez, is he gonna keep acting like this all the time? Hey, a $300 rebate!
"By Grabthar's Hammer... what a savings."

 

by PrimoOoze1138
8-24-05
Blah blah blah Watson. Blah blah God statement relating to Watson. Blah Blah.
Agree, [and then a bunch of words I never caught.]!
[More stuff I never really heard, but it probably had something to do with whatshisface.]
[Verbose agreement, exclamation, laughter]!
Meanwhile...
Hey guys, look! It's cookie pie! Pie made of cookies!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-04-05
The asteroid is scheduled to collide with the Earth in about 800 years.
Fuck it.
Oh, Halo. Can I join?
Ok.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-04-05
The Year 2805.
Oh great, here comes that asteroid that the humans told us about but did nothing to stop it.
I guess this is the end...
Hey, we're alright. Sweet!
Alright, my shiny metal ass. Without any humans, guess who gets to clean this mess up...

 

Ha! Now I AM the last woman on Earth.
by PrimoOoze1138, 9-05-05

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-05-05
So three people walk into a bar. Two of them are black. Who's the third one?
Watson.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-05-05
I'll get that pony yet, damn him...

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-15-05
That's a stupid thing...
Hey nonny-nonny. Hey nonny. Back to you, Jim Cantore.
One week later.
Well, I'm all turned around...

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-16-05
Hey guy, I hear tell you're collecting animals. I got a cat here for ya. Name of Bojangles.
Hmm. It would complete my mammal collection.
Bojangles instantly loves whoever pets him. It's true. You can even ask Mr. Frederickson down the street.
But this guy seems kinda creepy...
And the great thing about Bojangles here is that he only pees on Thursdays. You can set your wa---.
I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING CAT!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-18-05
So then I told her she can get her own gazpacho. Whoa, that thing's pretty cool.
What?
You missed it.

 

Hey. Look at me, I'm out of place.
by PrimoOoze1138, 9-22-05

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-22-05
Where on Earth did my Alan-Rickman-Tron go?
Oh, you are TOO cute!
"I am an exceptional thief, Mrs. McClane. And since I'm moving up to kidnapping, you should be more polite."
You're coming home with me...
"It's like throwing gasoline on a flame."

 

by PrimoOoze1138
9-25-05
The next morning...
Ugh, what the Hell was I thinking?
"Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be."
I can't believe I tried to have sex with a robot.
"See? I'm as anatomically incorrect as a Ken Doll."
Yeah, I realized that. Get the Hell out.
"What was it you said to me earlier? "Yippie-kay-ya, motherfucker.""

 

You're watching "Primordial Ooze" On DorkTV. Stay tuned for THX-1138.
Fuck George Lucas.
by PrimoOoze1138, 9-29-05

 

by PrimoOoze1138
10-25-05
I love acid!
Tony, you be quiet; Joseph, you be nice to people; Derek, you pay attention; Watson, stop drawing! Turn around, you clownshoe!

 

"I was an actor once, damn it. Now look at me. Look at me. I won't go out there and say that stupid line one more time."
by PrimoOoze1138, 10-25-05

 

by PrimoOoze1138
11-13-05
We got your call, what's the trouble in here?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! A-HA HA STOP IT, STOP IT! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sorry, officer. It's just tha-HA HA HA, THERE HE GOES AGAIN! HA HA HA!
Come on now, what's your problem?
THERE'S A SNAKE IN THE PIPE AND HE'S TICKLING MY FEET! A-HA HA HA, MAKE IT STOP! HA HA HA!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
11-24-05
So today, let's all say what we're thankful for. I'm the grandma, so I don't have to.
Hooray for school!
I'm thankful for my baby.
I'm thankful for my sanity.
I'm thankful for turkey....

 

by PrimoOoze1138
11-24-05
Can I help you?
She knows! Your brother is a scoundrel, Alexei Fyodorovich!
Actually, Alexei was just a character I played. My real name is Yul Brenner.
I know. My friends put me up to it.
Ah....Say, you wanna come upstairs and let ME 'put you up to it'?

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-06-06
Hey guys, I'm back.
Oh hey. You.
Kinky.
Yeah, that's kinky.
Joseph was missing?

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-06-06
How're you doing that?
And you wanna know WHY we never go outside?
'Cuz you tan about as well as a steak?
What do those clouds look like to you, Evan?
Democrats.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-08-06
So then kids, what does I.F.F.A. stand for?
I'm Feeling Funky Already?
International Fucking Fuckers Association?
In the Fuckin' Face, Asshole.
Ice-skating Females From Africa!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-08-06
Man, fuckin' stop doing your gay little Ring Out thing.
Wasn't on purpose.
RING OUT!!
Ha-HA!
MY ASS THAT WASN'T ON PURPOSE, YOU SICK BASTARD!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-08-06
Hey, little robot. Got any cash on ya?
"'Now I have a machine gun...Ho, ho, ho...'"
Oh yeah? You got a gun? You gonna shoot me?
"I'm going to count to three. There will not be a four."
Alright, let's see what you got...
"I've calculated your chance of survival, but I don't think you'll like it."

 

...Nuns turn you on.
by PrimoOoze1138, 2-12-06

 

Man, you are so stupid looking.
Look me in the eye and say that.
by PrimoOoze1138, 2-12-06

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-12-06
The aliens!
The colors!
You know, Jesus, Scientology has a much cooler story going for it.
Sue me.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-13-06
Man, I saw the biggest bee today.
I saw your mom's big bee last night.
But seriously, this thing was huge!
Your's mom's thing was huge.
God, would you stop that?
Your mom stopped that...

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-20-06
I've got this costume contest in the bag.
We'll see about that.
That didn't turn out the way it was supposed to.
I know. So what do we do now?
I'm sorry, but your 'body parts' costume is disqualified!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
2-21-06
Happy birthday, little guy!
Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be.
Yeah, but it's your birthday. Your template has now had 60 years of life.
Life? Don't talk to me about life!
But...hey, where you going?
To see if there's a pub.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
3-01-06
The assignment: Take a state of your choice and give me EVERY SINGLE STATISTIC ABOUT IT.
The state rock of Nevada is sandstone.
Why could that be? Maybe because there's so goddamn much of it?!
So there's, like, 49,702 miles of road in Nevada.
Oh, yeah? That number's probably changed since you looked it up. I'll have to count off for that.
And finally, there are approximately 215 nurses working in Nevada.
Good, you'll need every single one of them after I beat you senseless, because I'M A DIABETIC!

 

by PrimoOoze1138
3-02-06
Mozart composed his first piece when he was five. Get to work.
i gotta go tinkle

 

by PrimoOoze1138
3-21-06
Man, look what you did! This is why we can't have nice things.
You know I didn't do this!
Your mom did this.
Dammit.
Heheh, Joseph and his stupidass zombie sex flicks.
Flick rhymes with Spic.

 

by PrimoOoze1138
3-22-06
http://www.WhatTheFuck AmITalkingAbout?.com

 

by PrimoOoze1138
3-22-06
Oh, that movie.

 

How else are we gonna teach him to knock?
by PrimoOoze1138, 3-30-06

Showing page 3.

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